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Joke Thread  
User currently offlinesomething From United Kingdom, joined May 2011, 1633 posts, RR: 21
Posted (3 years 1 month 11 hours ago) and read 3685 times:

Most jokes are bad and not very intelligent humor. Yet I thought it'd be nice to share a few laughs 'round here. I'll be first..

What are a pedophile's favorite type of shoes?

- White vans


..sick of it. -K. Pilkington.
29 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineStarbuk7 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 599 posts, RR: 5
Reply 1, posted (3 years 1 month 5 hours ago) and read 3621 times:

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."

---------------------------------------------

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change.

As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"


User currently offlinekeagkid101 From Portugal, joined Mar 2010, 306 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (3 years 4 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 3536 times:

The Best Way to Break-Up with your girlfriend

You: Knock knock
She: Whose there?
You: Single
She: Single who?
You: Single you


User currently offlinefridgmus From United States of America, joined Oct 2006, 1442 posts, RR: 11
Reply 3, posted (3 years 4 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 3437 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.



The Lockheed Super Constellation, the REAL Queen of the Skies!
User currently onlinehomer71 From United States of America, joined Jul 2001, 2250 posts, RR: 14
Reply 4, posted (3 years 4 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 3432 times:

One night, a little boy walked into his parents' room and witnessed them having sex. The boy asked, "What are you doing?"

The father tried to think of a non-sexual explanation, "Uh, uh, your mom was low on gas, so I was just filling her up."

The boy replied, "Wow, she must get lousy mileage, I saw the mailman fill her up this morning."



"On spaceship earth there are no passengers...only crew."
User currently offlineLGWflyer From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2011, 2348 posts, RR: 1
Reply 5, posted (3 years 4 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 3425 times:

I have a joke for you about bins (trash cans), actually nah I won't say its just rubbish (garbage).


Okay another joke, I'd say only people who know about Walkers Crisps would get this...

There are 2 crisps walking down the street and someone in a car stops and asks them if they want a lift, they say no were Walkers...



3 words... I Love Aviation!!!
User currently offlinethegreatRDU From United States of America, joined Mar 2006, 2311 posts, RR: 4
Reply 6, posted (3 years 4 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3337 times:

1) What is Michael Jackson's favorite university?

Brigham Young.....

2) Have you ever had Nigerian food? No?

Neither have they....



Our Returning Champion
User currently offline747438 From UK - England, joined Jan 2007, 838 posts, RR: 5
Reply 7, posted (3 years 4 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 3254 times:

I just rang the Tinnitus Helpline.

Bloody useless, it just kept ringing and ringing.


User currently offlineczbbflier From Canada, joined Jul 2006, 980 posts, RR: 2
Reply 8, posted (3 years 3 weeks 4 days 14 hours ago) and read 3036 times:

Where I live, it was a really rainy summer last year.

Because of the rain last year, biologists have observed that there is now an owl shortage.

Apparently they have concluded that last year for the owls, it was too wet to woo.


User currently offlineStarbuk7 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 599 posts, RR: 5
Reply 9, posted (3 years 3 weeks 4 days 6 hours ago) and read 2976 times:

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..."

User currently offlineJAGflyer From Canada, joined Aug 2004, 3582 posts, RR: 4
Reply 10, posted (3 years 3 weeks 3 days 18 hours ago) and read 2870 times:

What do you call an animal mounter who's gone to the University of Aberdeen?

A taxidermatologist...what else?



Support the beer and soda can industry, recycle old airplanes!
User currently offlinelhr380 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (3 years 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 2850 times:

Quoting JAGflyer (Reply 10):

Dont get that one at all lol


User currently offlineflymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 7266 posts, RR: 6
Reply 12, posted (3 years 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 2846 times:

Saw this picture on facebook today. Thought about Anet the second I saw it, I am sure some will understand.




"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
User currently offlineTHEBATMAN From United States of America, joined Aug 2007, 850 posts, RR: 8
Reply 13, posted (3 years 3 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 2725 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

A guy who is pretty drunk is sitting at a bar. He says to the bartender, "gimme one more shot". The bartender says, "no way buddy, I think you've had enough". Just then, the drunk guy leans forward and throws up all over himself. "Oh crap" he says. "My wife is going to kill me! This is a brand new shirt!". The bartender says, "no worries, This is what you do. Take a $10 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When she finds the money and asks what happened, just tell her some other guy got drunk and threw up on you. Then you tell her that he gave you $10 to have your shirt cleaned". The drunk says "that's a great idea! Hey thanks, buddy".

So he goes home, throws his shirt in the laundry and passes out. The next morning he gets up and his wife says, "what happened to your shirt?" He replies, "oh... this guy next to me got himself really drunk, and he threw up all over my shirt! But he said he was going to pay to have it cleaned, so that's why there was $10 in the pocket". His wife looks at him and says, "there wasn't $10 in the pocket, there was $20!"

"Oh yeah, that's because he sh*t in my pants, too"



A319,A320,B727,B732/3/5/7/8/9,B742/4,B752/3,B762/3,B772,CRJ2/7,DC9/MD80,DC10,E145/70
User currently offlineBraniff747SP From United States of America, joined Oct 2008, 3013 posts, RR: 1
Reply 14, posted (3 years 3 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 2597 times:

Quoting flymia (Reply 12):

Yes, I've seen those around. I chuckle every time I see one...



The 747 will always be the TRUE queen of the skies!
User currently offlineEasternSon From United States of America, joined Jun 2006, 672 posts, RR: 1
Reply 15, posted (3 years 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 2397 times:

My rich, lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for Christmas this year.

They're going away for the holidays, so they gave me the present early. It's a Rolex.

A very generous gift indeed, but I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."



"The only people for me are the mad ones...." Jack Kerouac
User currently offlinestarbuk7 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 599 posts, RR: 5
Reply 16, posted (3 years 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 2396 times:

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave. "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?" "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him.

About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and half interest in the pharmacy."


User currently offlinembmbos From United States of America, joined May 2000, 2612 posts, RR: 1
Reply 17, posted (3 years 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 2393 times:

Here's one I heard this weekend:


Neutrinos.

Who's there?

Knock-knock.


User currently offlinevikkyvik From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 10330 posts, RR: 26
Reply 18, posted (3 years 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 2385 times:

Quoting mbmbos (Reply 17):
Here's one I heard this weekend:


Neutrinos.

Who's there?

Knock-knock.

Hah! Took me about 10 seconds to get it.



How can I be an admiral without my cap??!
User currently offlinescbriml From United Kingdom, joined Jul 2003, 12868 posts, RR: 46
Reply 19, posted (3 years 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 2365 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Quoting vikkyvik (Reply 18):
Hah! Took me about 10 seconds to get it.

I got it in reply 16!   



Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana! #44cHAMpion
User currently offlineGyreaux130J From United States of America, joined Jun 2011, 126 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (3 years 2 weeks 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2299 times:

Quoting scbriml (Reply 19):
I got it in reply 16!

Well played Sir!

[Edited 2011-11-28 23:26:07]


When all else fails, fly Martin Baker!
User currently offlineGyreaux130J From United States of America, joined Jun 2011, 126 posts, RR: 0
Reply 21, posted (3 years 2 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2276 times:

I guess if i'm gonna post in this thread I should add a joke:

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on the street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, both dying as they hit the pavement.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[Edited 2011-11-29 00:42:30]

[Edited 2011-11-29 00:43:14]


When all else fails, fly Martin Baker!
User currently offlineBNE From Australia, joined Mar 2000, 3189 posts, RR: 12
Reply 22, posted (3 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 2264 times:

Some good ones on this thread,

Q: A Greek, an Italian and a Spaniard walk into a bar, and each orders a drink.
Who pays?


A: The German.

*******************************************************************************

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!



Why fly non stop when you can connect
User currently offlinewunala From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 950 posts, RR: 0
Reply 23, posted (3 years 2 weeks 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 2193 times:

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this
frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00
for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10
every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,
until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7718 posts, RR: 21
Reply 24, posted (3 years 2 weeks 19 hours ago) and read 2002 times:

From "The Fast Show" - a classic UK sketch show. The character Swiss Tony says to his protege Paul:

"Paul, putting up a tent is like making love to a beautiful woman. Put up your pole, undo the zip and then slip into the old bag."


One recently sent to me by a friend:

Q: What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?
A: Marscapone.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
25 Post contains links and images HOMSAr : Saw this photo in the database this morning, and thought of a caption. View Large View MediumPhoto © Alexander K. Captain of the Kingfisher A330 in t
26 flipdewaf : A mayor from a town in Greece is visiting a mayor from a town in Italy. They are looking around the italians house and it is huge, very well presented
27 ju068 : Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours l
28 Dandaire : A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But h
29 757luver : The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids cam
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