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Got Any Cheesy Christmas Jokes  
User currently offlineLGWflyer From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2011, 2348 posts, RR: 1
Posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 2 days 17 hours ago) and read 5534 times:

As you know christmas is the time for loads of terrible cheesy christmas jokes.

I'll start off and list a few:

What hats do snowmen wear? Ice caps.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter D.


3 words... I Love Aviation!!!
21 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineEDICHC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 5470 times:

What do you call a chicken wearing a shell suit?

An Egg!


User currently offlineokie From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 3009 posts, RR: 3
Reply 2, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 5430 times:

Oh man, I went to a Christmas Party last night and had way, way too much to drink to drive a Car.
So, I thought I would take a Bus home.
Now, that was an experience
I had never driven a Bus before.

Okie


User currently onlineandz From South Africa, joined Feb 2004, 8451 posts, RR: 10
Reply 3, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 5409 times:
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Three guys arrive at the pearly gates.

St Peter says to them "as today is Christmas Day, I can't let you in unless you show me something Christmas related."

First guy pulls out a lighter. "It represents a candle" he says. St Peter lets him in.

Second guy jangles his car keys and says "bells." He too is allowed to enter.

Third guy checks all his pockets in a panic then pulls out a pair of panties and holds them up.

St Peter looks at him questioningly.

"Carol's"



After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...
User currently offlinePhen From Ireland, joined Oct 2007, 317 posts, RR: 0
Reply 4, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 5373 times:

How do you know the turkey is an Irish one? Its looking forward to Christmas.

Why does Santa make a list and check it twice? He has OCD.


User currently offlinevarigb707 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 5336 times:

Here's one about Santa Claus and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.

- They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys."

A little disclaimer now : the original joke had The Pope instead of Santa Claus, in one of Jerry Seinfeld's episodes, The Yada Yada episode.
There,

Peace,


User currently offlineEDICHC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 5251 times:

Christmas carol for the hyper manic....

Deck the halls and lounge and dining room and kitchen and bedroom and garage and trees and lamp-posts...etc etc

Christmas carol for the hypochondriac...

No well, I'm no well...


User currently offlineTCASAlert From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (2 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 5227 times:

My favourite ever Christmas joke resurfaced in one of our crackers yesterday.

"How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With Jammin."

But then it went one further....

"What does he say when he gives his mate a doughnut?"

"I hope you like Jammin too"


:D


User currently offlineL-188 From United States of America, joined Jul 1999, 29795 posts, RR: 58
Reply 8, posted (2 years 8 months 6 days ago) and read 5071 times:

There is the old one about Santa getting a Check ride from the FAA. The inspector pulls out a rifle as they are getting on the sleigh. Santa asks what the rifle is for and the FAA inspector says," I shouldn't tell you this because us is part of the ride but you are going to loose an engine on takeoff"


OBAMA-WORST PRESIDENT EVER....Even SKOORB would be better.
User currently offlineB6JFKH81 From United States of America, joined Mar 2006, 2882 posts, RR: 7
Reply 9, posted (2 years 8 months 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 5057 times:

I still love this one, cracks me up every time I hear it:

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?



Santa stops after 3 Ho's.  



"If you do not learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it"
User currently offlineLGWflyer From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2011, 2348 posts, RR: 1
Reply 10, posted (2 years 8 months 5 days 18 hours ago) and read 5031 times:

Quoting B6JFKH81 (Reply 9):
I still love this one, cracks me up every time I hear it:

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?



Santa stops after 3 Ho's.

Hahaha love it!!!!        



3 words... I Love Aviation!!!
User currently offlineTSS From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 3068 posts, RR: 5
Reply 11, posted (2 years 8 months 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 4987 times:

Quoting Phen (Reply 4):
How do you know the turkey is an Irish one? Its looking forward to Christmas.

Umm... I don't get that joke. Could you explain it to us non-Irish folk?



Able to kill active threads stone dead with a single post!
User currently offline767nutter From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2008, 161 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4754 times:

Quoting TSS (Reply 11):
Umm... I don't get that joke. Could you explain it to us non-Irish folk?

well what happens to turkeys at christmas?

heres two out of some xmas crackers

"daddy theres a man collecting for the new public swimming pool"
"yea? then give him a cup of water"

What do you get if you put a red diamond in the Black sea?
You get a wet red diamond

oh dear oh dear


User currently offlinesunshine79 From UK - England, joined Jan 2006, 1759 posts, RR: 30
Reply 13, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4750 times:

Nicked this from Mrs Brown's Boys:

Did you know there was Henry the brown-nosed reindeer, the was just as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop as quick.



Formerly alcregular, Why drive when you can fly?
User currently offlineLGWflyer From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2011, 2348 posts, RR: 1
Reply 14, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4747 times:

Quoting sunshine79 (Reply 13):
Nicked this from Mrs Brown's Boys:

Did you know there was Henry the brown-nosed reindeer, the was just as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop as quick.

Haha I saw that episode.



3 words... I Love Aviation!!!
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11588 posts, RR: 15
Reply 15, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4745 times:

Cheesy jokes? Hmmmm....

Brie
Gouda
Cheddar



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlinegeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 16, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 4657 times:

A guy is at the hospital to get a vasectomy; the nurse instructs him to follow her to the examining room; they go in, and she instructs him to remove all of his clothing and lie on his back on the table; he does as instructed;

The nurse then removes all of her clothing, and "climbs on top"............they then "have at it"..........

Afterward, when they are finished dressing, he asks her, "so....what was that all about ?"

She explains to him.........." medical science has recently become aware that men preparing to have a vasectomy are much better off if they ejaculate before the procedure........it causes them to be more calm, and they get over it better.

The man replies, "I see";

While she is walking him down a hallway to the operating room, he notices 6 men in a side room, all masturbating;
Curious, he asks the nurse..........."what's that all about" ?

She explains to him.........

"They're all having vasectomies too; you have Blue Cross, Blue Shield, they have Obamacare"



Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
User currently offline767nutter From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2008, 161 posts, RR: 0
Reply 17, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 4649 times:

Quoting geezer (Reply 16):
A guy is at the hospital to get a vasectomy; the nurse instructs him to follow her to the examining room; they go in, and she instructs him to remove all of his clothing and lie on his back on the table; he does as instructed;

The nurse then removes all of her clothing, and "climbs on top"............they then "have at it"..........

Afterward, when they are finished dressing, he asks her, "so....what was that all about ?"

She explains to him.........." medical science has recently become aware that men preparing to have a vasectomy are much better off if they ejaculate before the procedure........it causes them to be more calm, and they get over it better.

The man replies, "I see";

While she is walking him down a hallway to the operating room, he notices 6 men in a side room, all masturbating;
Curious, he asks the nurse..........."what's that all about" ?

She explains to him.........

"They're all having vasectomies too; you have Blue Cross, Blue Shield, they have Obamacare"

haha, ive heard this joke and a similar one to it, but with the "UK" version, ie, they're on the NHS, you are with Bupa


User currently offlinegeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 18, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 4615 times:

Hello there ! I'm Geezer, and I'm in the U.S.; can anyone in the U.K. tell me what "NHS" & "Bupa" are ?


Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
User currently offlineAirstud From United States of America, joined Nov 2000, 2656 posts, RR: 3
Reply 19, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 14 hours ago) and read 4589 times:

Quoting geezer (Reply 18):
Hello there ! I'm Geezer, and I'm in the U.S.; can anyone in the U.K. tell me what "NHS" & "Bupa" are ?

NHS - National Health Service. Britain's publicly funded health care apparatus.

Bupa - London based private health insurer - click here for more info.



Pancakes are delicious.
User currently offlinejcs17 From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 8065 posts, RR: 39
Reply 20, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 10 hours ago) and read 4564 times:

Cheesy jokes?

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.



America's chickens are coming home to rooooost!
User currently offlinegeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 21, posted (2 years 7 months 3 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 4442 times:

Thanks Airstud ! I was pretty "close" about NHS; couldn't figure Bupa though.................




Here's one from Sunday;

A fellow and his wife go to the county fair every year, and they always see this other fellow that takes people rides in his airplane for $10.

The first guy wants to take a ride, but his wife says "no, it's too expensive, and money's tight";

The following year, it's the same thing........" it's too expensive, and money's tight".

This goes on every year, year after year; finally, after years and years, the guy says to his wife.........Look.....I'm 80 yrs old now, my health is bad, and it'll probably be my LAST CHANCE !
His wife replies, same as always, "It's too expensive, money's too tight"

The guy with the airplane hears this, and say's "Look, you've been here every year, all these years, .....,I'm going to take both of you "up" for free ! But there's just one thing............I don't allow any talking when I'm flying; just one word......the deal's off, and you pay full price."

Both the man and his wife agree.........they won't say a word.

They take off, get up a ways, the pilot decides to do barrel roll; still, not a word is spoken; then he decides to do an inside loop, followed by an outside loop; still not a word is spoken. The pilots lands, jumps out, and is helping the guy get out; "Hey he says, where's your wife ?" The old guy says, "oh, when you did that outside loop, the door came open and she went flying out !" The pilot says........"holy cow, why didn't you say something ? The old guy says, "well, like she always said, it's a lot of money, and money's tight" !

Charley



Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
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