planejamie From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2011, 572 posts, RR: 0 Posted (7 months 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 1423 times:
Ok, this is a bit of an odd one to post in this forum since it's normally full of car & meme threads but I think a few might be able to help:
A random person followed me on Twitter about 6 months ago, I thought "he's cute, I'll follow him" and since then he began by replying a lot, then we added each other on Skype, exchanged mobile numbers and text each other regularly, this then lead to texting each other everyday and finally on Saturday I got on the train and met him for the first time.
What happened was he turned out to be such a genuinely nice person. He ticked all the right boxes (cute, nerdy/geeky like me - hope to god he doesn't see this, intelligent, fantastic personality, kind/generous) and seemed to be interested in me. This is where the problem lies:
1) He's not local. It's a 4 hour journey by both train and car (believe me, no one local is interested in me in the slightest).
2) I'm not 100% sure if he's interested in a relationship (be it long distance which I know he's had before), actually interested in me as a person or more. I mean he was coming onto me a fair bit but I was also a bit awkward/shy so I'm not sure if it put him off or not
Either way I miss him and just want to be with him again but the issue is I'm applying to university this year, he's doing a study year abroad (he's ~18 months older than me) for a year in France and I'm not basing university choices on where he is however it's the thought that if we did ever have something, how would it work? Also, if nothing did happen with him, how the hell will I ever meet someone else
RussianJet From Kazakhstan, joined Jul 2007, 6288 posts, RR: 23 Reply 1, posted (7 months 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1411 times:
Look, what's to know? My advice would be that if you feel there might be something there worthwhile pursuing, then sod distance - that is easily overcome. No couple is together 24/7. Ultimately of course at some point in the future one might have to resolve the issue if the relationship is to move on, but at this stage no - go with your heart and see what's there. I have never been one to do the 'sensible' or logical thing with relationships, and that means seeing what's there regardless of the distance or other complex obstacles. Go for it. Explore it, see what develops - don't be afraid.
planejamie From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2011, 572 posts, RR: 0 Reply 2, posted (7 months 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1390 times:
RussianJet - true, it's whether or not he'd be happy with long distance... the other thing is I don't want to lose him as a friend but you're right, I should just go and pursue it, he's single anything could happen
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 5309 posts, RR: 47 Reply 4, posted (7 months 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1377 times:
This is a very very big decision to make only meeting the guy once. I know that's not what you want to hear, but in all honestly, you probably don't know the guy as well as you think. Coming from semi experience (I'm straight but I'm sure the mentality is very similar.)
I say go for it... ***BUT*** do NOT alter your life course for him. I don't know if you were implying that, but keep progressing with your life, let him do his thing, keep in contact, and I think if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
Long distance relationships are totally doable, but they suck at time (a lot of times.) My wife lives 10 hours away (car) and we won't be able to live together for at least 1.5 years or so. I've got to do my stuff so I can be an airline pilot one day and she has to fulfill her contract with the Army. It takes a lot of dedication... do you have enough to keep a long distance relationship going? (Does he?)
planejamie From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2011, 572 posts, RR: 0 Reply 5, posted (7 months 3 days 6 hours ago) and read 1363 times:
Quoting YVRLTN (Reply 3): I lived in London. My girlfriend lived in Fife Scotland. When we were going out, I was travelling for weeks on end all round the world.
We are now married and living in Vancouver of all places. Distance is no obstacle if you love each other, take it one step at a time.
Good god! This isn't as far as that... yeah I think you're right, I might have to take it one step at a time and just see how it all goes!
Quoting DeltaMD90 (Reply 4): This is a very very big decision to make only meeting the guy once. I know that's not what you want to hear, but in all honestly, you probably don't know the guy as well as you think. Coming from semi experience (I'm straight but I'm sure the mentality is very similar.)
I say go for it... ***BUT*** do NOT alter your life course for him. I don't know if you were implying that, but keep progressing with your life, let him do his thing, keep in contact, and I think if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
Long distance relationships are totally doable, but they suck at time (a lot of times.) My wife lives 10 hours away (car) and we won't be able to live together for at least 1.5 years or so. I've got to do my stuff so I can be an airline pilot one day and she has to fulfill her contract with the Army. It takes a lot of dedication... do you have enough to keep a long distance relationship going? (Does he?)
I do admit that whist I have only met him once, he knows a lot about me (both good and bad) and I know a lot about him too, though I'm certainly not changing my life for him. It's more of a problem with distance/if he likes me back enough to really go for it... I guess you never find out unless you try these things, but if I do pursue a long distance relationship with him I think I'd have to ask him face to face.
That's a massive pain, I always forget that the USA is such a huge country! I mean Britain is roughly slightly larger than the average state! I'm hope it works out for you, are there any decent rail links to go and see her?
3DoorsDown From United States of America, joined Oct 2005, 368 posts, RR: 0 Reply 6, posted (7 months 3 days 6 hours ago) and read 1356 times:
DeltaMD90 has it right. Don't alter your college plans because of the relationship. I would go to wherever you were thinking about going and let the relationship take its course. 4 hours is not a great distance. I was in one that involved a 17 hour flight once. Needless to say it didn't work out, but it was more jobs and money that caused it to end rather than distance.
If you and he care enough to keep it going then it will work out. If not then your college plans haven't been screwed up and you can keep going on with your life.
DocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 16824 posts, RR: 57 Reply 9, posted (7 months 3 days 6 hours ago) and read 1336 times:
Quoting planejamie (Thread starter): Either way I miss him and just want to be with him again but the issue is I'm applying to university this year, he's doing a study year abroad (he's ~18 months older than me) for a year in France and I'm not basing university choices on where he is however it's the thought that if we did ever have something, how would it work? Also, if nothing did happen with him, how the hell will I ever meet someone else
#1: you are young. I promise there are other fish in the sea.
#2: LDR's happen, athough it's a huge step to take all at once. Go back and meet him (or vice-versa). Have some fun.
#3: If he was coming on to you and seemed into you, I bet he wasn't just being polite. And from your description of him coming on to you a lot, my guess is he wants to hop in the sack. I've found (at least for guys) that this behavior doesn't seem to doom a relationship, as is the conventional wisdom. Just be safe. So if you want to, let it happen.
RussianJet From Kazakhstan, joined Jul 2007, 6288 posts, RR: 23 Reply 10, posted (7 months 3 days 6 hours ago) and read 1331 times:
It really is this simple - you like the person, so try to develop something with them. Don't like them that much? Put excuses in the way and don't bother.
DocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 16824 posts, RR: 57 Reply 11, posted (7 months 3 days 6 hours ago) and read 1328 times:
Quoting RussianJet (Reply 10): It really is this simple - you like the person, so try to develop something with them. Don't like them that much? Put excuses in the way and don't bother.
Good point.
You might get turned down. Happens. Move along. His loss.
You absolutely cannot be hurt by anything a complete stranger (and face it, that's what he is at this point) tells you or does to you.
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 5309 posts, RR: 47 Reply 12, posted (7 months 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 1317 times:
Quoting planejamie (Reply 5): I'm hope it works out for you, are there any decent rail links to go and see her?
No rail links, though my parents' house is about 15 minutes away from the exact center between us, roadwise, so that is a good meeting point. I've got to finish up flight school and she's probably going to Afghanistan soon but after all that we hope to be stationed near each other. No matter what she'll be done with active duty in 4 years. It sucks but I never have had the thought of not being with her, and she is the same way.
That being said, we were at the same college and were not long distance (except a few months in the summer) for 3.5 years before we got married...
I'm trying to give the most realistic advice because I know saying "forget about him" isn't really going to be taken seriously... logically, it may be very sound, but I've been in that situation and know that emotion does take over. It's about controlling the emotion, not totally shutting it out.
I know you're not too sure how he feels, but the big "talk" about where you two are going in life will happen eventually. I recommend you continue what you are doing, see him when you can, and see how you two adjust in your new lives. In every setting change, people change... I'd hate to see you two "commit" to each other, only for him to change when he goes abroad and you are left heart broken.
Also, see what others say, I probably think too emotionally about all this stuff. Maybe the best route is the more logical one... good luck
RussianJet From Kazakhstan, joined Jul 2007, 6288 posts, RR: 23 Reply 13, posted (7 months 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 1311 times:
Quoting DocLightning (Reply 11):
You absolutely cannot be hurt by anything a complete stranger (and face it, that's what he is at this point) tells you or does to you.
Weeeell, in theory that's true, but it depends what you allow yourself to think/build up. Alright, in terms of complete and utter strangers of course the danger of being hurt is virtually nil, but if there has been prolonged communication prior to actual meeting then there is the risk of allowing yourself to fall in love with an ideal - and I speak from bitter experience. Nonetheless, I still say go for it. Best not live a life full of regrets.
Aesma From France, joined Nov 2009, 4789 posts, RR: 9 Reply 14, posted (7 months 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 1269 times:
When I was that age I dated a girl living 20Km from me, but in the country, with no practical way to get there. It definitely killed our relationship pretty quickly. If I had to do it again I would try harder to get there, maybe buy a moped against my parents' will, or get them to drive me there ! But hindsight is 20/20. Also, we met in person, not virtually. I have tried the online thing, not websites where you meet quickly but the endless stuff culminating in a meet, and I found it was BS, when meeting there was nothing left to say, and it was just awkward. Now, if you feel like going for the kinky stuff right away, I guess it can work.
New Technology is the name we give to stuff that doesn't work yet. Douglas Adams
Darksnowynight From United States of America, joined Jan 2012, 980 posts, RR: 1 Reply 15, posted (7 months 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 1252 times:
Jamie,
Long distance relationships are, IMHO, the best kind. If you can manage not to be distracted by it, you'll find that you pretty much get a lot of what you want, without all the space integration issues. When I was married, I found out that I didn't like answering a lot of invasive questions about where I was or what I was doing when she wasn't there. Nor do I happen to like surprise drop-bys (they're great when you first meet, no doubt, but as it becomes a habit you find that you miss being able to get things done.), or finding out that we have "plans" later that evening, etc...
Conversely, the best relationships I've ever had seem to be LDRs (or as I like to call them "Vacation Girlfriends"). It helps that I'm not really the sort to get hung up on what they're doing every moment, I suppose, but more than that, you're never really bothered to see them, and it always seems to be something to look forward to. I'm currently seeing someone who lives a fair bit off (it's a plane ride away), but thanks to work, it's effective.
In your case, you need to go for it. But you're way young, so just don't go into it with the idea that you're getting married next year and you'll be fine. I'll caution that I've found with a lot of folks that jealousy goes more or less hand in glove with distance, so be careful of that. Otherwise, don't put yourself in a position where you can look back in a decade and think "I should have done that"
Posting without Talent is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
I don't know about this...I had a long distance relationship with a girl last year after I returned from Japan....she began sending me very odd messages saying that she "needs me to come back to japan immediately" and stuff like that after about a month, and a few days after I told her that I was unable to until this year, she broke down and began sending me more very odd messages. A few days later she claimed to "hate" me so I broke up with her.
I haven't talked to her since, but her friend told me that she actually intended to marry me....she is 28 and I'm 21. I was 19 and she was 27 at the time we dated. The age difference was quite a factor here, and also she has only dated one other guy, which was about 6 years before we dated. So you can see what long distance can do to someone.
iFlyLOTs From United States of America, joined Apr 2012, 380 posts, RR: 0 Reply 17, posted (7 months 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 1219 times:
Quoting PHX787 (Reply 16): So you can see what long distance can do to someone.
I feel like long distance depends on the people, I personally have never been all to successful in LDRs, but then again, I have only had one, and it was after living a few blocks away from the girl for the first few months of the relationship.
Would I try another long distance relationship? In a heartbeat. I think that because the preceding few months coupled with the ex's lack of trust and it being both of ours first long distance relationship that we just didn't really get it all correct.
kanban From United States of America, joined Jan 2008, 2467 posts, RR: 21 Reply 18, posted (7 months 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 1207 times:
Looking at your ages, consider it a good date and file it away.. now you have something to compare others to. However you'll both be in lust 50 times before he returns... don't panic there are others and you need to mature first.
I see what you're saying. But it looks, just to me, that that also may have been an issue with the individual you were involved with as well. I had a situation sort of like that, only the woman in question lived 10 miles away. It still got ugly and there was nothing in the world we could have done about it. I will say that doing an LDR (right anyways...) requires buckets of trust and there is no room for insecurities.
Good luck in the future, but don't let distance deter you from something you really want.
Right on. My sister likes to tell me that I fall in love about twenty times a month. While that is a gross exaggeration, probably, I can say that it really took me into my upper twenties to fully recognize the difference between genuine infatuation and some flash-in-the-pan lust auto-ignition sequence.
In any case, being in control of that allows me a good deal of operational freedom with regard to all this.
And PlaneJamie, in case no one else has said it yet, if you really want to seal the deal with this guy, don't be afraid to consider sending him a snowglobe.
Posting without Talent is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
Yeah, right! I'm having a blast on my own. Seriously though, I could never have this job if I had some gf always asking when I was coming home. In fact, I like being single so much that when I am actually seeing someone, it's hard as hell to admit she's an actual girlfriend. "This lady I hang out with sometimes" is about as serious a title as I'm willing to give out these days
Posting without Talent is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
AF1624 From France, joined Jul 2006, 572 posts, RR: 0 Reply 22, posted (7 months 2 days 20 hours ago) and read 1122 times:
Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 21): Yeah, right! I'm having a blast on my own. Seriously though, I could never have this job if I had some gf always asking when I was coming home. In fact, I like being single so much that when I am actually seeing someone, it's hard as hell to admit she's an actual girlfriend. "This lady I hang out with sometimes" is about as serious a title as I'm willing to give out these days
High five. Same thing here.
I've been in long relationships when I was young(er), two years on average, three times. I'm fed up with that, I feel like I've missed out on just having fun and now that I have this job (which makes me travel a lot) it's so much nicer to be "officially" single.
I guess I've done things the wrong way around really.
Not to highjack the thread:
I think meeting up once is not enough for you to make any decision.
Meet him a couple more times, see where this is going, don't get too much "into" it at first.
Oh and, why do you say that no-one in your area is interested in you?
planejamie From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2011, 572 posts, RR: 0 Reply 23, posted (7 months 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 1106 times:
Thanks for the response guys, just too much to individually reply to!
I think what the majority of you are saying is that I should see where it goes for me, go for it but don't let it take over my life. I might try and see if we can meet again and see where that goes. Whilst I'm young I'm also far to mature/sensible for my age (he's also similar in this way) and I know neither of us particularly want a "quick fling". Whilst I know I can make long distance work, is willing to as well? And the more important, is he actually interested in me?
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 5309 posts, RR: 47 Reply 24, posted (7 months 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1042 times:
Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 21): Yeah, right! I'm having a blast on my own. Seriously though, I could never have this job if I had some gf always asking when I was coming home.
Think you may be having the wrong gfs. I've never been "nagged" about anything, and if I am, I make it clear that I won't take it! Goes both ways, I don't micromanage her. We have a lot of trust so it all works out
Ironically I have never flown a Delta MD-90 :)
25 flyingturtle: It happens to some people, sadly. I know a girl, 32 years old, and she has never been happy with any boyfriend. Always had relationships that lasted
26 planejamie: Hey David, you're right, and your signature "Even a letdown, if it is thoroughly and final, is a step forward" is so correct. The big problem for me i
27 kanban: Every 20 year old is far more mature than the rest (friends, siblings, parents etc) until they become 40 and look back while observing a new batch of
28 flyingturtle: Time. Give yourself time. Give him time. And I believe this is the biggest problem you have now. If you can't meet regularly, you feel tempted and pr
29 planejamie: Yeah, you're right. Maybe arranging to meet again might help, he did actually suggest we need to meet up again when I left him on Saturday. It's just
30 planejamie: Well, I decided to ask him if he wanted to meet up again - he said a definite yes which is a good sign! Thanks for all your help guys, I'll see where
31 DocLightning: Good! So be yourself this time. After all, you want him to like you, right? You don't want him to like you putting on an act. And use condoms. Oh, BT
32 N1120A: My girlfriend is, if I fly non stop (which I almost never do), a 5 hour flight from me. We've made it work. If the guy is worth it, make it happen an
33 flyingturtle: Wonderful. All the best, planejamie! David
34 planejamie: Well things seem to have taken a different turn. Whilst he did seem enthusiastic and with a definite yes, he's having difficulty in getting the right
35 DocLightning: And such is life. But if you hop in the car now, he might be unavailable. Scheduling is a problem. And if he can't seem to make time for you, then...
36 planejamie: Hmm true, but he seems to want me to be more spontaneous though... I just feel like if I don't do something soon I'll lose him He is Mr Right Now...
37 DocLightning: He just met you. If he wants you to be something else, then it's time to slam on the brakes. What else about yourself is he going to want you to chan
38 planejamie: Well, tbh I did say I like spontaneous things happening, for example on the day we met up (Saturday), my best friend (who's a guy) text me with a lon
39 Aesma: Well, for a relationship in its infancy, I feel too much anticipation is bad. Does he/you work on Sundays or something ? Can't you get together this S
40 planejamie: I don't work weekends at all, his shifts vary. I hadn't actually considered that, but I could meet him this Sunday
41 DocLightning: Every gay guy thinks that about himself. Remember, you can fix fat, ugly is harder, stupid is impossible. But obviously someone is interested, and he
42 planejamie: Hmm I guess... He did explain the spontaneous thing, if we were to meet up he'd want the entire day without needing to rush off for work like last Sa
43 DeltaMD90: The way you describe him, yes you do! You do indeed have a chance. Don't know about your dating history but "having a chance" doesn't mean "force you
44 planejamie: Thanks, I'm not forcing myself into what he wants since I want him too, he's had nothing but the real me (the good, the bad and everything inbetween)
45 usairways787: If you feel something in the pit of your stomach, go for it. It's better to say I gave it a shot, instead of wondering did I miss an opportunity? For
46 planejamie: Thanks, yeah I do feel something in the pit of my stomach... I think I'll try and meet up with him again then see how that goes then ask him out if I
47 planejamie: So I think every love story needs an ending, this isn't really a story but more of a guide - a guide of what not to do. Don't pour your heart and soul
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and that has sadly come back to backfire....being single suck 
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