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Gunshy About Dating Again  
User currently offlineklm672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 2464 times:

Hey,
1. Yes, I know I'm on a.net
2. Yes, I've just purchased my snow globe.

But here we go..

We were only dating for about two months and couldn't be happier. That never changed. Confused? So am I. For the last few days, I noticed she would never say "I love you too" when I'd say "I love you". She would always say "you too!" and when I said "good night, love you too" she said "sleep well". When I saw her in person, I called her out on that. I asked "Are you still happy?" She looked at me and said "what? Why, why would you ask that, you're nuts." I told her that I felt something was up and she said that she felt that we were drifting apart. Her example? That we don't cuddle as much. I told her that I didn't cuddle as much because I tend to toss and turn at night, which she knew, and I didn't want her to lose sleep. She also said that we are really different, like how she likes books and I like airplanes (um, ok?) She told me how much she has changed, from how she always use to put on make up, exercise, read and now she doesn't do any of that and replaced books with tv!
She feels that her feelings have changed. I told her, maybe she's just lost the butterflies, and that is normal. She explained that it was nothing that I have done and I treated her amazingly. I don't get how someone can just simply flip a switch: stating that she loves me, that I'm amazing, the one, that I treat her so special, to this. I use to drop her off at school just before work and would pick her up 11 hours early. She would wrap her hands around me and tell me how much she missed me.
I know, deep down inside she is scared. She has closed the college chapter of her life. I was, right down the road. Now I am 30 minutes away (and by my standards that I live by, nothing bad!), and she has all these big dreams from Law School to moving out to Cali. I told her that I am willing to do whatever, and go whereever for her. I just want her apart of my life. I fought so hard for her.

I don't think I'll be seeing the last of her. She says she's just "processing". I found a Harry Potter book she left behind and told her about it via text. She said that she has been crying all day and misses me so much (mutual). She says that I can keep the book here and she will be back soon. She says, again, that she is just processing.

I made it crystal clear that I feel she is making a big mistake. That I shouldn't be punished for what may, nor may not happen. I'm a hard worker. Yes, I love the clinic, but its not the be all, end all of companies. I have a degree, and God willing, will be getting my Masters soon, too. I'm a hard worker. I'll survive.
I now am very gun-shy with Lucy or any girl. This isn't the first time this has happened. When I was 19, I dated a girl named who thought the word of me. Who dropped the "M" word after 2 months (perhaps it was joking, perhaps feeling it out). Much out of the blue, she broke up with me when she too left college! Granted, it was to drop out, not graduate. I was, more or less, a security blanket, which my new ex told me I was to her as well. I am so afraid to get close to anyone these days.

I am not sure what to do about her. I told her, she has my contact info. She is obviously upset and even muttered in person "maybe I'm making a big mistake", "maybe I jumped the gun etc" but in the end it wasn't to be.

After not texting for a day, we have been texting, and it does make me feel better, but on the other hand I just want to drop it and leave it up to her to text me.

28 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offline3DoorsDown From United States of America, joined Oct 2005, 376 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 2411 times:

Young love is so great. Processing, texting. Sounds to me like she is stringing you along. Every text is just another frayed end of what you call love and she is probably thinking maybe she should hang on to you until someone better comes along. Burn the book, get a new number (don't tell her), and if she knocks on your door one day and says I love you, slam the door in her face and crack open a beer. There are a lot of fish in the sea and many of them, unless you let them, won't treat you like a doormat.

User currently offlineIMissPiedmont From United States of America, joined May 2001, 6294 posts, RR: 33
Reply 2, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 2406 times:

Two months and "I love you" comes out of your mouth? I wonder why she's putting you off.


Damn, this website is getting worse daily.
User currently offlineANITIX87 From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 3305 posts, RR: 13
Reply 3, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 2365 times:
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Quoting IMissPiedmont (Reply 2):
Two months and "I love you" comes out of your mouth? I wonder why she's putting you off.

That's a very broad statement, and so incredibly cynical. I'm as much a realist (read: pessimist) as the next guy, but you don't believe in "love at first sight" or any variation thereof? I fell in love with my girlfriend a few weeks after we started dating. Does that mean, if we get married, you'll come to our wedding and declare your objection?

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She says she's just "processing".

It is possible that, if you said "I love you" first, she reciprocated that first time out of instinct. That doesn't mean it wasn't true (she may not even have realized how true it was when she said it), but maybe, since she's young and clearly career-oriented, she's wondering if she knows what "love" really is (when I left college I struggled with it mightily for almost a year). I was starting my career in a job I knew wouldn't be long-term (I have aspirations of doing aviation and living in Switzerland). My girlfriend was my first really serious relationship (we started dating just before I graduated college, she still had two years left) and I wondered how I was supposed to know that I was in love with her and that she's the one for me. She didn't want to leave the USA because of her family and her job (unlike me, her entire family is here, whereas I have my extended family in Europe) and she doesn't speak my native tongue or have many hobbies in common with me. However, when we're together there's nothing better, and our differing hobbies allow us our own space. Europe is on the table again if we get married, though she'll be tough to convince. Even now, 3.5 years later, I sometimes wonder if marrying the first girl I date really seriously is just omitting other potential amazing girls with more in common with me, or if I'm being an ass about it and I should acknowledge how ridiculously happy I am with her.

Some doubt is normal in every relationship, as you told her. However, the question is simple. When the two of you are together, is there anywhere either of you would rather be? If the answer is "yes" for either of you (or even if there's some hesitation to say "no") then the relationship is beyond repair already, especially since you're not living together and you each have your own space and own lives.

Just my two cents. Take it for what it's worth (roughly two cents).

TIS



www.stellaryear.com: Canon EOS 50D, Canon EOS 5DMkII, Sigma 50mm 1.4, Canon 24-70 2.8L II, Canon 100mm 2.8L, Canon 100-4
User currently offlineflymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 7175 posts, RR: 9
Reply 4, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 4 hours ago) and read 2352 times:

Too much problems for two months IMO. Love you, you're the one etc.. After two months? I guess you can think that maybe she/he is the one or figure you are falling in love etc.. But just too much for two months of dating. If she doesn't want to see you just let it be. If its meant to its meant to be.

2 months... Obviously you have strong feelings for her but your post seems like if have been dating her for 2 years let alone two months. Did you know her before you dated?



"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
User currently offlineQFA380 From Australia, joined Jul 2005, 2075 posts, RR: 1
Reply 5, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 2322 times:

Phenomenal amount of drama for only two months. Hard rule (in my life at least) never say I love you before she does, and don't just throw it about constantly.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
I am so afraid to get close to anyone these days.

Thats because you shouldn't cut yourself open for someone after only two months. Take it slow, remember theres a few hundred million chicks you could be with in this world, at least 50 million you would want to date. Don't sweat one girl... Also consider how 'the one' doesn't exist, statistically speaking there are thousands of girls who would be identically compatible with you (hate that word, reminds me of eHarmony ads).

Quoting ANITIX87 (Reply 3):
is there anywhere either of you would rather be?

Making spending time with one girl the only thing you want to do sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you have nothing else that even compares to spending time with her then you'll want to spend every second with her, nek minnit, you're in OP's situation.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
I know, deep down inside she is scared.

All I can do is laugh at this statement because to be brutally honest, your post shows clearly you don't know sh*t what she's thinking.


User currently offlineluv2fly From United States of America, joined May 2003, 12110 posts, RR: 48
Reply 6, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 2310 times:
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You want to see how serious she is, cut off the contact and see if she contacts you. No text, calls or anything. No emails updates on Facebook, nothing.


You can cut the irony with a knife
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6217 posts, RR: 30
Reply 7, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 2298 times:
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She´s done with you. For whatever reason. It´s not your problem to find out. Just deal with it and move on. Her little games of "maybe I´m making a mistake" and such just means she doens´t have the balls nor the maturity to just stop hurting you and move on.

Plenty of fish in the sea. You WILL find the one. Cut off all contact with her (things will not change, and she is just hurting you) and grieve on your own for a reasonable time and get on with your life.


User currently offlinevio From Canada, joined Feb 2004, 1431 posts, RR: 10
Reply 8, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 2295 times:

Ah, first world problems... we all had them.

Look mate, I'm not dismissing your feelings. Hell we all went through some heart breaking scenario at some point. The best advice I can give you is this THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER A GIRL IS TO REPLACE HER RIGHT AWAY

... and don't give me that bulls*it that she's different and you loved her... They're all the same. Enjoy your life and enjoy being young. Women are beautiful and they should be enjoyed as much as possible. You'll have enough time to "cuddle" with your old lady when you're wrinkled and old...

Take it from a guy who knows what he's talking about. I'm married now and I'm very happy, but I enjoyed my young years.

Cheers



Superior decisions reduce the need for superior skills.
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11660 posts, RR: 15
Reply 9, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 2288 times:

oy vey....

Let's ask a.net for dating advice! That couldn't end badly at all!

Everyone is different about these things. Generally, men regret and grieve from day one until about a month or so after while women don't go through the greiving until about a month later. You have to take this at your own pace. There is no "magic elixer" for this.



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19727 posts, RR: 58
Reply 10, posted (1 year 9 months 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 2276 times:

Quoting ANITIX87 (Reply 3):
That's a very broad statement, and so incredibly cynical. I'm as much a realist (read: pessimist) as the next guy, but you don't believe in "love at first sight" or any variation thereof? I fell in love with my girlfriend a few weeks after we started dating. Does that mean, if we get married, you'll come to our wedding and declare your objection?

Was a few months for me.

Here's my advice: if what you want is to find "Miss Right," then as soon as you are in a relatively new relationship and you hit drama, jump ship and move on. There are very many eligible bachelorettes out there. They're kind of like flights from NYC to the SF Bay Area; there's one every 20 minutes.  

There shouldn't be much need to discuss "the relationship" in a healthy new relationship because both parties should understand where it is. The part where you have to put work into it starts after it's been going on a while.


User currently onlineflyingturtle From Switzerland, joined Oct 2011, 2411 posts, RR: 13
Reply 11, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 2212 times:

My two cents...


I'm in a similar situation right now.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She explained that it was nothing that I have done and I treated her amazingly.

And sometimes, this really doesn't suffice. I think she has big issues, but when she says you were treating her very well, she is telling that honestly to you. Her problems make it unable to tell you clearly and consistently what she wants from you. IMHO, tell her about how *you* suffer in that relationship, and tell her that really nothing is lost. Give her and yourself a trouble-free time, and keep a lose but honest contact for the next weeks or months.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
I made it crystal clear that I feel she is making a big mistake. That I shouldn't be punished for what may, nor may not happen. I'm a hard worker. Yes, I love the clinic, but its not the be all, end all of companies. I have a degree, and God willing, will be getting my Masters soon, too. I'm a hard worker. I'll survive.

There is really nothing one can *earn* in a relationship. No need for hard work whatsoever. You will be given things if the other person trusts you. Even if you are homeless, unemployed, sick, crazy, an ER doctor, the owner of a type rating, or an octopus.

The good thing about love is that you are always free to give it to other people. She deserves your love and you deserve hers. The backside is that it requires some serious judgement, and nobody really knows how to do that.


David

[Edited 2012-12-21 03:04:03]


Keeping calm is terrorism against those who want to live in fear.
User currently offlineAF1624 From France, joined Jul 2006, 659 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 2199 times:

I have the same thoughts as pretty much everyone around here.

Too much drama for a two-month relationship. "Love you" to soon. If that's actually the case (you do "love" her) you don't have to say it that early. Scares them off, plain and simple.

Even if she does come back to you, the relationship in itself is damaged goods. Very hard to move on in a relationship from that. Better is to move on without the relationship.

Find another fish, is the best advice I can come up with.



Cheers
User currently onlineflyingturtle From Switzerland, joined Oct 2011, 2411 posts, RR: 13
Reply 13, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 2188 times:

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
Hey,
1. Yes, I know I'm on a.net
2. Yes, I've just purchased my snow globe.

No worries.

I really like it how one can come here and listen to advice. Just because this is good to know - a hearty thank you to all of you.


David



Keeping calm is terrorism against those who want to live in fear.
User currently offlineRara From Germany, joined Jan 2007, 2093 posts, RR: 2
Reply 14, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 20 hours ago) and read 2184 times:

OK, I gotta ask, did we all misread this or has the relationship really lasted all two MONTHS? Because the way you write it (went from books to TV / college dreams faltering etc.), I'd more expect a timeframe of two years or possibly two decades.

Would be nice to have a clarification on this first, because for me at least, this two month thing would really affect the kind of advice I would offer.



Samson was a biblical tough guy, but his dad Samsonite was even more of a hard case.
User currently onlineflyingturtle From Switzerland, joined Oct 2011, 2411 posts, RR: 13
Reply 15, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 20 hours ago) and read 2167 times:

Quoting Rara (Reply 14):
OK, I gotta ask, did we all misread this or has the relationship really lasted all two MONTHS? Because the way you write it (went from books to TV / college dreams faltering etc.), I'd more expect a timeframe of two years or possibly two decades.

It goes much quicker than that. Just telling from my recent experience:

Two weeks ago: My "girlfriend" - neither a real relationship, nor a platonic friendship, but is going since a full year and we've first written each other five years ago - says she is chatting with somebody she got to know at a singing group. She tells me her thoughts about him, and tells me she can't imagine a relationship with him. Too much issues he has. But: "You are a good guy, since a some time I can imagine a relationship with you.", she tells me.

One week ago: She asks me not to discuss our problems with her sister. I tell her that I'm confident that we'll have much less problems than the last time we spent time together, and that I didn't even think about talking about these with her sister.

This week: She tells me that she met the man from the singing group and she feels a relationship forming between her and this man.

I was invited to stay with her family for two full weeks just after Christmas. And now I have to stay at home, despite it was her mothers proposition that I come for a visit, and that her sister was looking forward to meeting me again. The same goes with her father.

She always told me not to put her words on a gold scale, not to turn her words against her and making prison cell bars out of them, keeping her prisoner on some things she told me once. She said it was her honest and true answer for that *moment*, she told me. She never wanted to betray me. Everything is meant honestly.

But only in that... moment.

When I told her that I need to trust her words she often felt cornered.


Well, if we talk again, we'll have to raise some thorny issues.



David



Keeping calm is terrorism against those who want to live in fear.
User currently offlineANITIX87 From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 3305 posts, RR: 13
Reply 16, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 19 hours ago) and read 2149 times:
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Quoting QFA380 (Reply 5):

Making spending time with one girl the only thing you want to do sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you have nothing else that even compares to spending time with her then you'll want to spend every second with her, nek minnit, you're in OP's situation.

You're taking my post too literally. My girlfriend and I absolutely have our independent lives (we don't live together). I am free to spend time with my friends and pursue my hobbies, as she is free to see her friends and pursue hers. However, all I meant is that, when we're together, we have a blast and there's no other person either of us would rather be sharing our lives and intimacy with. At no point did I say that my girlfriend is (or should be) the only person I ever want to see. You're right, that would be unhealthy (and, in fact, my girlfriend's best friend is going through that with his fiance right now).

TIS



www.stellaryear.com: Canon EOS 50D, Canon EOS 5DMkII, Sigma 50mm 1.4, Canon 24-70 2.8L II, Canon 100mm 2.8L, Canon 100-4
User currently offlineRara From Germany, joined Jan 2007, 2093 posts, RR: 2
Reply 17, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 2141 times:

Quoting flyingturtle (Reply 15):
t goes much quicker than that. Just telling from my recent experience:

Well I realize that break-ups can come swiftly and out of the blue. Sometimes they drag on for months, even years, sometimes they just hit you when you're not expecting them at all.

But two months of dating are by FAR not enough to say stuff like "she doesn't say 'I love you' back as much as she used to". Used to... FWIW, when I think back to two months of dating my girlfriend, neither of us had even used the L-word yet, this stuff takes time!

After two years you can claim that the "magic has gone". If the magic has gone after all of two months, I question how much magic there has been to begin with.



Samson was a biblical tough guy, but his dad Samsonite was even more of a hard case.
User currently offlineSmittyOne From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 2134 times:

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):

First - given the other thread that's been raging, fantastic use of the word 'gunshy'.

Second - the only thing I can add to what others have said is that I had a couple/three dramatic relationships before I finally decided to say "F it" and go with the flow.

Met up with an acquantance that I was attracted to and respected, called her out of the blue and took her out to dinner. She was coming out of a crappy relationship and had no interest in more drama...and had just bought a house so I fixed a bunch of stuff for her and we'd go out etc. Got married a little over a year later and the rest is history.

The key was going with the flow...it's a deliberate choice really. If either of you find yourself expending energy thinking about the 'status of the relationship' then you're missing the point. Fortunately you can always choose to ignore that and go do something fun together instead. Eventually if you're always together and it doesn't suck you know you have the right one.


User currently offlineDarksnowynight From United States of America, joined Jan 2012, 1365 posts, RR: 3
Reply 19, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 16 hours ago) and read 2105 times:

Wow. This is... Interesting...

KLM672, you seem like a nice guy. But I don't know how anyone can help you out with this by being nice. Just a caution, this may be a little harsh; I won't take offense if you want to skip this posting.







Still with me? Ok, here we go.

I grew up with two sisters, both of whom knew guys like you, and lots of them. I guess I was spared the pain of learning about this stuff like you have. But anyway...

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She feels that her feelings have changed. I told her, maybe she's just lost the butterflies, and that is normal. She explained that it was nothing that I have done and I treated her amazingly.

Nope, they've changed; more realistically, they've disappeared like a fart in a hurricane. Or were just never there in the 1st place. And frankly, it doesn't matter how you treated her. Girls, especially pretty ones, can get treated "amazingly" anywhere, at anytime. Unless there's something you're leaving out, that's a really bad sign right there.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
. I don't get how someone can just simply flip a switch: stating that she loves me, that I'm amazing, the one, that I treat her so special, to this.

Very easily, if you're boring her.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
I told her that I am willing to do whatever, and go whereever for her. I just want her apart of my life. I fought so hard for her.

Wrong answer. I know what you think you're saying. But what you're actually telling her that you'd leave her in a lurch the second you find something better. Think about it. Willing to relocate, without it being job related, over someone you just met. Does that sound reliable to you?

And what does fought for mean? Like you fought a dragon? Gang of meth-addicted Former Alaskan Governor/VPOTUS candidates? Or do you mean you told her a lot of words and really, really sold yourself to her, told you'd always be there, garbage like that? If so, guess what? So have like 36 other guys. In a row! That's really not special.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):

I made it crystal clear that I feel she is making a big mistake. That I shouldn't be punished for what may, nor may not happen. I'm a hard worker.

She isn't. Here's why.

You seem like a nice guy, and I think it's cool that you work hard and treat her "amazing". But from her point of view (and any woman or potential mate for that matter), so the hell what? The world is full of that stuff. Your average broad can probably hold down two or three of you at a time, and a full time job, without much effort. The reason doesn't have to do with women being manipulative or greedy at all, but just an incredible over-abundance of men willing to do them all kinds of ridiculous favors and stupid tricks to get a round or two of screwing in. Or even worse, just to "be with" them.

And yes, making her feel "special" counts as a favor.

The problem with your logic is that literally everything you list as an "asset" about yourself involves either revolving around her or unrealistically bad things you don't do. This is nice for like a week, but as you likely know, it has a very short shelf life. Sooner or later, you have to be worth something to keep her around. And to a woman who already has you on demand (seriously... moving for her???) your value to her has a lot in common motorcycle ashtrays.


What do you do that differentiates you from all other men she's been with? If you're thinking about all the mean, jerk-like things that guys do with girls, that you don't do to her, don't waste your time there either. There's a better looking, smarter guy with a promising career, waiting to take your place who has all those non-faults too. He'll be a NBA Center in three years. What do you have going on?

So what do you have? If it takes you longer than a second to come up with an answer that doesn't involve making her "feel special" or really, really loving her, daydreaming with her about your future, or using the phrase "when I'm with you" in every conversation you two have, then I can easily confirm your worst fears. So we'll skip all that.

A woman has to think you are literally better than anything else she's ever had. And sorry to say, a lot (as in the majority of this) is material. If she's used to Ford, you need to be a Lexus. If she's only ever flown with AA, you need to be her KLM. Those are analogies, but you probably get it. You need to be a cut above all of her experience to count. You need to be what she's not sure she can hang onto, not the other way around. Think about it. When was the last time you traded in a current girlfriend for an uglier one? It's the same for us. When they get a new you, it's up or out.

Like every other man, you are what you do. That makes us commodities to them, just as their looks do them to us. You can complain or deny that if you want. Or you can develop a wicked jump-shot. Up to you.


Now the hard part. I can't tell you how to do that specifically, since the metrics are different with every woman. But I can tell you that you're doing it wrong. Spending all your free time with her, telling her how great you think she is (and fer gods sake, "I Love You" after two months?!) at every opportunity, and asking her if she's still happy will come off as breathtakingly co-dependant to a woman. Any worse and she'll instinctively try take you for a walk three times a day!


Cut that crap out post haste, and you might have a chance... With some other woman, one day. I can tell you that this one is gone, because you really don't get a chance to undo sh-tuff like that. Women, whatever they say, really won't give you a chance to prove you're not a loser once they've come to that decision. I know that sucks, but the best you can realistically hope for out of this one is the friend box.


For your next round (and there is always a next round at this bar), change up a few things. Don't focus on being a nice guy. Focus on being good at something. You may have to expand your horizons, but so the hell what? The more you get good at, or at least try to, the more you have to talk about anyway. Broads like when you can hold up your end of the conversation, and they can tell when your just pretending to agree with them about whatever they're yammering on about. So be versatile and able to change subjects with authority.

Along those lines (I guess maybe this one is specific), whatever you do for a living, don't bitch about it. And don't ever tell anyone you know in person you're a "hard worker." Either it's obvious and you don't have to say it, or you're lying. I'm telling you, broads have a sense about that, and lazy is not attractive.

If you've read through all this crap, great. Now do something about it. Stop making having this particular woman a priority and start making being valuable one. That's the difference between pining away for this flighty tramp, and being the one deciding which of your regular (non-prostitute, that is) women will be entertaining you tonight.

I've got a face uglier than the GOP's social platform, and still have a sex life that needs a secretary. And it's not because I'm a nice guy.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She is obviously upset and even muttered in person "maybe I'm making a big mistake", "maybe I jumped the gun etc"

That's female for "I have absolutely, definitely, and in total certainty made a huge mistake but I think dumping you just now would probably induce a myocardial infarction. I don't like to watch those, so I'll do it over Facebook or something in a few weeks when I don't have to look at you."

Quoting ANITIX87 (Reply 3):
I'm as much a realist (read: pessimist) as the next guy, but you don't believe in "love at first sight" or any variation thereof?

I can't speak for anyone else, but nothing that was ever worth anything at all in that department happened like that in my life.

Quoting QFA380 (Reply 5):

Making spending time with one girl the only thing you want to do sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you have nothing else that even compares to spending time with her then you'll want to spend every second with her, nek minnit, you're in OP's situation.

Damn straight. Nothing scares a woman off like telling her she's the only thing he's got going on.



Posting without Knowledge is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
User currently offlineSmittyOne From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 16 hours ago) and read 2085 times:

Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 19):

  

You sir shall have your Man Card laminated immediately!


User currently offlineeinsteinboricua From Puerto Rico, joined Apr 2010, 3106 posts, RR: 8
Reply 21, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 15 hours ago) and read 2066 times:

Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 19):

This pretty much says it all. Nothing else to add. Props to you Darksnowyflight.





"You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky."
User currently offlineklm672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Reply 22, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 15 hours ago) and read 2055 times:

Thank you for all the replies. It has really opened my eyes, and yes it was 2 MONTHS and yes I did say "I love you first" but she "said" she was thinking it already. Perhaps B.S. Time to move up, and move on.
Thank you!


User currently offlineAF1624 From France, joined Jul 2006, 659 posts, RR: 0
Reply 23, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 14 hours ago) and read 2044 times:

Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 19):

It might not mean much at all, but you sir, have made it to my RR list.

What a fantastic post.

Cheers



Cheers
User currently offlineklm672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Reply 24, posted (1 year 9 months 4 days 13 hours ago) and read 2017 times:

Quoting Darksnowynight (Reply 19):
Wow. This is... Interesting...

KLM672, you seem like a nice guy. But I don't know how anyone can help you out with this by being nice. Just a caution, this may be a little harsh; I won't take offense if you want to skip this posting.







Still with me? Ok, here we go.

I grew up with two sisters, both of whom knew guys like you, and lots of them. I guess I was spared the pain of learning about this stuff like you have. But anyway...

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She feels that her feelings have changed. I told her, maybe she's just lost the butterflies, and that is normal. She explained that it was nothing that I have done and I treated her amazingly.

Nope, they've changed; more realistically, they've disappeared like a fart in a hurricane. Or were just never there in the 1st place. And frankly, it doesn't matter how you treated her. Girls, especially pretty ones, can get treated "amazingly" anywhere, at anytime. Unless there's something you're leaving out, that's a really bad sign right there.

Right, perhaps they weren't there and she was just in love with, well being in love. I was her first "real" relationsip, so everything was new.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
. I don't get how someone can just simply flip a switch: stating that she loves me, that I'm amazing, the one, that I treat her so special, to this.

Very easily, if you're boring her.
Could be. Things may have gotten stale. That was a fear of hers in the future.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
I told her that I am willing to do whatever, and go whereever for her. I just want her apart of my life. I fought so hard for her.

Wrong answer. I know what you think you're saying. But what you're actually telling her that you'd leave her in a lurch the second you find something better. Think about it. Willing to relocate, without it being job related, over someone you just met. Does that sound reliable to you?

I know, I know. I think about how silly that was. Not reliable at all, thank you!

And what does fought for mean? Like you fought a dragon? Gang of meth-addicted Former Alaskan Governor/VPOTUS candidates? Or do you mean you told her a lot of words and really, really sold yourself to her, told you'd always be there, garbage like that? If so, guess what? So have like 36 other guys. In a row! That's really not special.

Yes, fought for as in I just told her I think she is making a big mistake (maybe another opps), and that I was willing to do anything for her to "save" this relationship.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):

I made it crystal clear that I feel she is making a big mistake. That I shouldn't be punished for what may, nor may not happen. I'm a hard worker.

She isn't. Here's why.

You seem like a nice guy, and I think it's cool that you work hard and treat her "amazing". But from her point of view (and any woman or potential mate for that matter), so the hell what? The world is full of that stuff. Your average broad can probably hold down two or three of you at a time, and a full time job, without much effort. The reason doesn't have to do with women being manipulative or greedy at all, but just an incredible over-abundance of men willing to do them all kinds of ridiculous favors and stupid tricks to get a round or two of screwing in. Or even worse, just to "be with" them.

And yes, making her feel "special" counts as a favor.

The problem with your logic is that literally everything you list as an "asset" about yourself involves either revolving around her or unrealistically bad things you don't do. This is nice for like a week, but as you likely know, it has a very short shelf life. Sooner or later, you have to be worth something to keep her around. And to a woman who already has you on demand (seriously... moving for her???) your value to her has a lot in common motorcycle ashtrays.

Thank you! I need to start getting myself in order.


What do you do that differentiates you from all other men she's been with? If you're thinking about all the mean, jerk-like things that guys do with girls, that you don't do to her, don't waste your time there either. There's a better looking, smarter guy with a promising career, waiting to take your place who has all those non-faults too. He'll be a NBA Center in three years. What do you have going on?

So what do you have? If it takes you longer than a second to come up with an answer that doesn't involve making her "feel special" or really, really loving her, daydreaming with her about your future, or using the phrase "when I'm with you" in every conversation you two have, then I can easily confirm your worst fears. So we'll skip all that.

Yes, thank you.

A woman has to think you are literally better than anything else she's ever had. And sorry to say, a lot (as in the majority of this) is material. If she's used to Ford, you need to be a Lexus. If she's only ever flown with AA, you need to be her KLM. (Should I tell her my SN on here is KLM672?) Those are analogies, but you probably get it. You need to be a cut above all of her experience to count. You need to be what she's not sure she can hang onto, not the other way around. Think about it. When was the last time you traded in a current girlfriend for an uglier one? It's the same for us. When they get a new you, it's up or out.

Like every other man, you are what you do. That makes us commodities to them, just as their looks do them to us. You can complain or deny that if you want. Or you can develop a wicked jump-shot. Up to you.


Now the hard part. I can't tell you how to do that specifically, since the metrics are different with every woman. But I can tell you that you're doing it wrong. Spending all your free time with her, telling her how great you think she is (and fer gods sake, "I Love You" after two months?!) at every opportunity, and asking her if she's still happy will come off as breathtakingly co-dependant to a woman. Any worse and she'll instinctively try take you for a walk three times a day!

No, she use to say how happy she was with me, so by nature of her conversation and saying that, I asked "are you still happy".


Cut that crap out post haste, and you might have a chance... With some other woman, one day. I can tell you that this one is gone, because you really don't get a chance to undo sh-tuff like that. Women, whatever they say, really won't give you a chance to prove you're not a loser once they've come to that decision. I know that sucks, but the best you can realistically hope for out of this one is the friend box.


For your next round (and there is always a next round at this bar), change up a few things. Don't focus on being a nice guy. Focus on being good at something. You may have to expand your horizons, but so the hell what? The more you get good at, or at least try to, the more you have to talk about anyway. Broads like when you can hold up your end of the conversation, and they can tell when your just pretending to agree with them about whatever they're yammering on about. So be versatile and able to change subjects with authority.

Along those lines (I guess maybe this one is specific), whatever you do for a living, don't bitch about it. And don't ever tell anyone you know in person you're a "hard worker." Either it's obvious and you don't have to say it, or you're lying. I'm telling you, broads have a sense about that, and lazy is not attractive.

Yup, I'll stop bitching about it!

If you've read through all this crap, great. Now do something about it. Stop making having this particular woman a priority and start making being valuable one. That's the difference between pining away for this flighty tramp, and being the one deciding which of your regular (non-prostitute, that is) women will be entertaining you tonight.

I've got a face uglier than the GOP's social platform, and still have a sex life that needs a secretary. And it's not because I'm a nice guy.

Quoting klm672 (Thread starter):
She is obviously upset and even muttered in person "maybe I'm making a big mistake", "maybe I jumped the gun etc"

That's female for "I have absolutely, definitely, and in total certainty made a huge mistake but I think dumping you just now would probably induce a myocardial infarction. I don't like to watch those, so I'll do it over Facebook or something in a few weeks when I don't have to look at you."

Could be, but in the end she broke up. Right there and then I switched my status and deleted our pictures. She said "do you have to do that RIGHT now? With me right here? I said "yup".

Quoting ANITIX87 (Reply 3):
I'm as much a realist (read: pessimist) as the next guy, but you don't believe in "love at first sight" or any variation thereof?

I can't speak for anyone else, but nothing that was ever worth anything at all in that department happened like that in my life.

Quoting QFA380 (Reply 5):

Making spending time with one girl the only thing you want to do sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you have nothing else that even compares to spending time with her then you'll want to spend every second with her, nek minnit, you're in OP's situation.

Damn straight. Nothing scares a woman off like telling her she's the only thing he's got going on.

Again, thank you! This reply isn't exaclty formatted as I'd had hoped, but my responses are in bold.

[Edited 2012-12-21 12:07:43]

25 3DoorsDown : There is always a magic elixer. It's called another woman. If it happens to be her friend, even better. Damn you sound desperate.
26 Post contains images Darksnowynight : Thanks guys, I'm in town all week. Don't forget to tip your servers, Seriously though. I hate (like to the ninth power, hate!) seeing someone go thro
27 Post contains links flymia : http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=zo-YV...top_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dzo-YVqV0v4Q Good thinking!
28 klm672 : Thanks again for all the replies. She ended up contacting me, but only after I deleted her off of facebook. She said tha she was scared and use to goi
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