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My Friend Introduced Me To His Girlfriend...  
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6186 posts, RR: 30
Posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 19 hours ago) and read 4324 times:
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Yeah. Come to a.net for this type of advice... I´ll wing it.

So, my friend, who is also my lawyer, introduced me to a woman he told me was the woman of his life. The one person he wanted to marry and be together forever and ever. From their interactions, I knew this was a one way shot and that my friend really was not the person this woman thought as a partner for life.

She has since then, showed up unannnounced and has been very aggressive. I´m not interested at all in her. And she seems shocked with that. But she is my friend´s "girlfriend"

But my friend, keeps asking her out and she does go out with him, and they come to my house as a "dating couple" and while my friend and me are talking she is rubbing her feet with mine below the table. Really uncomfortable.

I don´t want a relationship with her. But she does show up unannounced and wants to spend time with me.

Should I tell my friend she´s not worth it? Should I tell him what´s going on? Should I tell her to f... off?

I´m 40. The sex does not interest me. But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"

[Edited 2013-01-12 01:47:24]


MGGS
30 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineDoona From Sweden, joined Feb 2005, 3769 posts, RR: 13
Reply 1, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 17 hours ago) and read 4249 times:

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
Should I tell my friend she´s not worth it? Should I tell him what´s going on? Should I tell her to f... off?

The last one first. If it doesn't work, look at the previous two options.

Cheers
Mats



Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
User currently offlinepetertenthije From Netherlands, joined Jul 2001, 3364 posts, RR: 12
Reply 2, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 16 hours ago) and read 4227 times:

First tell her to f... off. If that don't work tell your friend what's going on. If you only tell your friend that she ain´t good for him, then you can get all kinds of hell if your friend finds out she is interested in you.


Attamottamotta!
User currently offlineflyingturtle From Switzerland, joined Oct 2011, 2389 posts, RR: 13
Reply 3, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 15 hours ago) and read 4185 times:

A few days ago, instead of making any new year's resolutions I put some wise words into my diary. As a reminder of how I expect myself to act.


"Always respect the interests of the people you like. Egoism won't reward you in the long run."

You can assume what your friend's interests are. He most probably wants to know first if she is into you, and he would want to sort it out with her. And if she really is into you, put off her advances for some weeks or even months so his feelings can cool down.

Perhaps it's better for him to have a girlfriend that isn't into a love/sex/aviation relationship with you, and get rid of her. But you have to give her the opportunity to be a reasonable and responsible person and sort the thing out before you do anything.


Just my 0.015 €.


David



Keeping calm is terrorism against those who want to live in fear.
User currently offlinegeorgetown From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 239 posts, RR: 1
Reply 4, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 4099 times:
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Sounds like the ship has sailed a little bit ("Hey that girl you love? She's nuts and made a pass at me" feels like a better fact pattern than "Hey you know that girl you love? We're banging. A lot."). Either way there's not a lot of upside if you continue to screw a card carrying looney. You just gotta hope that when the bottom does fall out between her and your friend that she keeps her mouth shut about her extracurriculars. I'd probably have an apology to your friend ready to go.

[Edited 2013-01-12 07:22:11]


Let's go Hoyas!
User currently offlineMaverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5598 posts, RR: 6
Reply 5, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 4093 times:

Are you actually having sex with her? Because if you are there's very little you can do that will salvage anything.


"PHX is Phoenix, PDX is the other city" -777Way
User currently offlineKiwiRob From New Zealand, joined Jun 2005, 7279 posts, RR: 5
Reply 6, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 4088 times:

Quoting Maverick623 (Reply 5):
Are you actually having sex with her?

That's what I was thinking as well, if he is that's nasty and he's broken the bro code, if I was your mate and found out I'd want nothing to do with either of you. If you haven't bumped uglies just tell your mate what's up, it should be enough to let him know then he can decide what he wants to do.


User currently offlineDeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 7886 posts, RR: 52
Reply 7, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 4031 times:

Haha I'm sorry, I feel for you. I've been in the same situation a couple times (no I'm not some womanizer, the fact it happened to me even once amazes me) but I've never had it this aggressively. I don't want to be quick to judge, but I'll be blunt: I think she has a problem. I'd steer clear, but it seems like you can't.

I kinda diverge a bit from the crowd here... I may tell the friend in this case. I know it would hurt and all, but you gotta think, if she's blatantly pulling this crap with you, do you think if you tell her off she'll then just stay 100% loyal to your friend forever, or do you think she'll do this again with 5 other guys in the next month?

You don't want your friend to fall deeply in love with her and have her pull this again and him finding out, breaking his heart.

With my friends, I support them and will tolerate gfs I absolutely hate, but the second I think (without bias) that the girl is no good, I will say something. He's done the same for me, and gfs later (and a wife for me   ) we are still best friends.

You need to really assess this situation and see how messed up it is. If you really think it's unsalvageable, I'd consider telling your friend



Ironically I have never flown a Delta MD-90 :)
User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7701 posts, RR: 21
Reply 8, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 4026 times:
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Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
Should I tell my friend she´s not worth it? Should I tell him what´s going on? Should I tell her to f... off?

If you haven't been actually doing anything with her that you shouldn't have, then you need to tell him what she's doing before she gets the chance to get in there first and make crap up about you. She will probably do this anyway, but if you take the initiative there is probably a better chance of your version ultimately being believed. If he finds out later and you've said nothing, it'll look like you've been hiding something.

Honestly, there is a good chance that there will be no positive outcome whatever you do, as if he's as smitten as he sounds then he'll have a very hard time coming to terms with things. HOWEVER - I don't think doing nothing is an option, and when all is said and done you surely don't want to see your friend strung along by this cow and hurt even more.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlinetugger From United States of America, joined Apr 2006, 5515 posts, RR: 8
Reply 9, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 3996 times:

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
she is rubbing her feet with mine below the table. Really uncomfortable.

WTF, keep your feet away from hers! It's not that hard.

If something like that happened to me I would have moved my feet, if she persisted and did it again I would say "Oops sorry about that, not meaning to rub feet under the table." and laughed it off. If it happened again after that I would pull my bud aside and say "Dude, I think she just rubbed her feet against mine again on purpose. I'm out."

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
she does show up unannounced and wants to spend time with me.

Do you let her in? Why? And especially if:

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
The sex does not interest me.

.
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"

If you have screwed then you are screwed.

You have to tell your friend, it'll really hurt him but you have to tell him or you are not a friend at all. Think about it, what does "Friend" mean to you? If the situation were reversed would you consider the guy (you in this case) to be your "friend" if they were having multiple encounters behind your back? Its just not OK if you really consider the person to be a real friend, a good friend.

Now if he is just more of an acquaintance "friend" that you really just know because of some current common circumstance and don't care if he stays a friend in the future.... well then my advice might change.

Tugg



I don’t know that I am unafraid to be myself, but it is hard to be somebody else. -W. Shatner
User currently offlineTSS From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 3068 posts, RR: 5
Reply 10, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 3926 times:

Tell him what she's doing and refuse to have anything more to do with her, but know up front that she will most likely tell him all sorts of lies about you beginning with how "you have been coming on to her". If he is truly your friend he'll know she's lying and the problem will be solved. If she lies and he believes her over you, you'll need to find a new lawyer and he'll eventually find out which one of you two he should have trusted to begin with.

That may be unpleasant, but it's the only way to go.



Able to kill active threads stone dead with a single post!
User currently offlinevikkyvik From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 9942 posts, RR: 26
Reply 11, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 3912 times:
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Quoting DeltaMD90 (Reply 7):
You don't want your friend to fall deeply in love with her and have her pull this again and him finding out, breaking his heart.

  

From your opening post, I didn't get the impression that you'd done anything with her. But whether or not you have, my advice would be the same.



"Two and a Half Men" was filmed in front of a live ostrich.
User currently offlineKen777 From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 8225 posts, RR: 8
Reply 12, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 3874 times:

I'd simply tell her that you aren't going to do anything to abuse the long time friendship with your best friend. Ask her to back off and focus on the guy asking her out. She needs to understand that her focus needs to be on the other guy - you "like her as a person" but isn't interested besides that.

User currently offlineGeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 13, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 3822 times:

[quote=tugger,reply=9]Do you let her in? Why? And especially if:

If you do, / have, then don't.

[quote=tugger,reply=9]Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
The sex does not interest me.

There's much more involved here than just sex; there's friendship; sex is EVERWHERE ! true friendship is hard to come by; it has to be "cultivated" over a period of time; there has been some excellent advice in every reply so far; i would add just one more thing..........this isn't something you can "put off" in the hope that it will "go away"; not only will it not go away, it will just keep getting WORSE ! So "time" is of the essence here; you must resolve to end this untenable situation immediately, (if not sooner).

Many, many years ago, I had a similar situation happen to me, only the lady involved was my friend's wife already; I didn't feel "uninterested" though, as I WAS very attracted to her, sexually; it's probably one of the few intelligent decisions I ever made regarding things of this nature, and it was hard to make, but I have been very glad I made the right decision, for many years now; In this case, I didn't mention it to my friend; If I were in your place right now, I would avoid being anywhere near this woman where no one else was present; I would immediately confront her via telephone, email, or in a place were there were people about, and I would patiently explain to her my position; if she has ANY sense, she will accept it; if she doesn't have any sense........it's just that much easier to walk away; and immediately after this, I would explain things to your friend. A really good friendship will survive this problem; a "less than really good one" may not; but in either case, you will have done the RIGHT "thing", and that's the most important thing here. ( And Good Luck ! )


[quote=tugger,reply=9]Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"

This right here indicates to me that this woman is indeed completely lacking in character.

[quote=tugger,reply=9]If you have screwed then you are screwed.

A pretty good way of looking at it;

[quote=tugger,reply=9]You have to tell your friend, it'll really hurt him but you have to tell him or you are not a friend at all. Think about it, what does "Friend" mean to you? If the situation were reversed would you consider the guy (you in this case) to be your "friend" if they were having multiple encounters behind your back? Its just not OK if you really consider the person to be a real friend, a good friend.

I would only add to that, it will "hurt him" a hell of a lot more if he ends up marrying this woman ! It is impossible to have a decent, life-long "relationship" with anyone that you can't trust; trustworthiness is like being pregnant; either you are, or you aren't; there is no "half way", no "kind of", or "sort of".

BTW.........the above advice does not come from superior intelligence or wisdom; it comes from having reached an age when the testosterone in my system has diminished to the point where it no longer "interferes" with my judgement.

Charley



Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6186 posts, RR: 30
Reply 14, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 3796 times:
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Quoting Maverick623 (Reply 5):
Are you actually having sex with her? Because if you are there's very little you can do that will salvage anything.

Nope. Haven´t touched her.

Quoting tugger (Reply 9):
If something like that happened to me I would have moved my feet, if she persisted and did it again I would say "Oops sorry about that, not meaning to rub feet under the table."

The frst time it happened I assumed it was a mistake. The second time, I changed places.

Quoting tugger (Reply 9):
Do you let her in? Why? And especially if:

I used to at the beginning. I found it hard to believe that what was going on was actually going on. I actually thought I was imagining things. Now, I pretend I´m not home.

I´m really not worried about me. Or of what I may do. I know a nut-case when I see one. Male or female. I´m worried about my friend and of how our relationship may suffer a bit.



MGGS
User currently offlineGeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 15, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3735 times:

Quoting AR385 (Reply 14):
Nope. Haven´t touched her.

Thank heavens !

Quoting AR385 (Reply 14):
I´m really not worried about me. Or of what I may do. I know a nut-case when I see one. Male or female. I´m worried about my friend and of how our relationship may suffer a bit.

That's good; very good; apparently your friend isn't as perceptive as you are; attempting to "point it out" to him could go any one of two or three different ways, two of which won't benefit your friendship much; I think I would start with just talking with him about the girl, and pointing out that trying to base a relationship solely on "how you feel" can be (and usually is) very hazardous. (before you mention about her visits to your house.) You might point out to him that "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear", (and it sure sounds like he's involved with a "sow's ear" in this case.)

Charley



Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
User currently offlineluv2fly From United States of America, joined May 2003, 12099 posts, RR: 49
Reply 16, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3700 times:
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The next time you are all together and she does that, announce in a real loud voice, I haven't responded so far all the times you have done this, are you that stupid.


You can cut the irony with a knife
User currently offlineFlyboyOz From Australia, joined Nov 2000, 1985 posts, RR: 25
Reply 17, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3670 times:

Well I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. One word - it's selfish.  


The Spirit of AustraliAN - Longreach
User currently offlineyyz717 From Canada, joined Sep 2001, 16248 posts, RR: 56
Reply 18, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 3476 times:

Tell your buddy FIRST what is happening. Then follow this advice after:

Quoting petertenthije (Reply 2):
.....tell her to f... off.

The danger is the girl may tell your buddy that YOU hit on HER first. This could damage your friendship with your buddy.

Whatever you do, the goal is to salvage and not damage your friendship with your buddy. Work the solution with this in mind. The girl and her feelings are otherwise expendible.



Panam, TWA, Ansett, Eastern.......AC next? Might be good for Canada.
User currently offlineAirAfreak From United States of America, joined Apr 2012, 713 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 3 days 18 hours ago) and read 3300 times:
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Don't make her mad by saying, "F#CK OFF" because she will turn things around and make you appear to be the bad guy and make up a bunch of lies about you. Take a photo of her in your surroundings so your friend can at least see that she came to you and not the opposite. She sounds like trouble. And if your friend sees a photo of her at your door, then he will know she willingly came to you! It's all about documentation.


Do you lead an Intercontinental life?
User currently offlineDeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 7886 posts, RR: 52
Reply 20, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 3 days 13 hours ago) and read 3223 times:

Honestly, if this friend is a true friend (and hasn't been with this gf for a while) I'm pretty sure he'd believe over you. I know with my friends they wouldn't believe some shady gf over me...


Ironically I have never flown a Delta MD-90 :)
User currently offlineFabo From Slovakia, joined Aug 2005, 1219 posts, RR: 1
Reply 21, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 3191 times:

Quoting AirAfreak (Reply 19):

Not if she tells him AR385 pulled her home under false pretenses ("He called me he wanted to make you a surprise party, of course I went!") and he believes her...

Maybe she does this to someone else from his friends? Maybe you could coordinate?



The light at the end of tunnel turn out to be a lighted sing saying NO EXIT
User currently offlineMaverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5598 posts, RR: 6
Reply 22, posted (1 year 7 months 2 weeks 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 3119 times:

Quoting DeltaMD90 (Reply 20):
Honestly, if this friend is a true friend (and hasn't been with this gf for a while) I'm pretty sure he'd believe over you. I know with my friends they wouldn't believe some shady gf over me...

This.

Tell your friend everything, and as soon as you can. Don't worry about bringing "proof", and don't be snapping photos at the door.

No matter what happens, the girl WILL deny everything and WILL say that you came on to her. Don't take it personally, that's how (insert NSFW name here) like her work.

If your friend believes her over you, don't get mad. Don't protest, just tell him that you'll be there ready to accept his apology when the same stuff happens again. And then be there to accept his apology when he does come to his senses.


Oh, and don't tell the girl to eff off until you have told your friend everything. It's much easier being on the offensive than defensive.

Quoting AirAfreak (Reply 19):
It's all about documentation.

No. This is about trust. This isn't some reality-soap-opera-Judge-Judy show. Doing that just makes you look like a stalker.



"PHX is Phoenix, PDX is the other city" -777Way
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6186 posts, RR: 30
Reply 23, posted (1 year 7 months 1 week 3 days 20 hours ago) and read 2814 times:
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Since I came here for advice, and got it, and very good advice, to boot, I am giving you all an update.

This Friday, around noon, my friend and I were going through some papers (he is my lawyer, as I pointed out) and the girlfriend arrived. She was not expected. My friend was supposed to meet her in the evening, for fun.

So when I realized she was outside, I told him to come over to the front door, but stay out of sight. I told the girl to f... off, my friend was shocked. I yelled "not interested."

And that was that. My friend and I went back, somewhat rattled, to our papers.

But she came back 6 more times. So 6 more times the same charade followed.

After the 6th. time she came, I explained to my friend what had happened previously (As I related on my OP) He was obviously miffed, but not at me. He thanked me and left.

That evening he told her to f...off too, and that was that. We remain friends. Nothing has changed and I am a happy clam.

Thank you all.



MGGS
User currently offlineAirAfreak From United States of America, joined Apr 2012, 713 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (1 year 7 months 1 week 2 days 23 hours ago) and read 2602 times:
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Quoting AR385 (Reply 23):

Nice to hear some good news in 2013!!! Congratulations to you and major points to you for your loyalty!!! =]

Bon Voyage,

Air Afreak =]



Do you lead an Intercontinental life?
25 sudden : Just another snowglobe issue.
26 JoePatroni707 : I wish I had that problem 99.9% of females would not even give me the time of day. But there is an old saying.... Bottom line.... Bro's before Hoe's..
27 RussianJet : Very glad that it worked out and you maintained the friendship.She sounds like a nutter though, so I hope she doesn't try to take revenge.
28 aerorobnz : first time collective a.net advice actually worked exactly to plan!!
29 AR385 : Well, a good friend, who is also an excellent lawyer is something very hard to come by.
30 RussianJet : Particularly when it comes to advice about birds.
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