AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5518 posts, RR: 26 Posted (11 months 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 3853 times:
Yeah. Come to a.net for this type of advice... I´ll wing it.
So, my friend, who is also my lawyer, introduced me to a woman he told me was the woman of his life. The one person he wanted to marry and be together forever and ever. From their interactions, I knew this was a one way shot and that my friend really was not the person this woman thought as a partner for life.
She has since then, showed up unannnounced and has been very aggressive. I´m not interested at all in her. And she seems shocked with that. But she is my friend´s "girlfriend"
But my friend, keeps asking her out and she does go out with him, and they come to my house as a "dating couple" and while my friend and me are talking she is rubbing her feet with mine below the table. Really uncomfortable.
I don´t want a relationship with her. But she does show up unannounced and wants to spend time with me.
Should I tell my friend she´s not worth it? Should I tell him what´s going on? Should I tell her to f... off?
I´m 40. The sex does not interest me. But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"
petertenthije From Netherlands, joined Jul 2001, 3270 posts, RR: 12 Reply 2, posted (11 months 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 3756 times:
First tell her to f... off. If that don't work tell your friend what's going on. If you only tell your friend that she ain´t good for him, then you can get all kinds of hell if your friend finds out she is interested in you.
flyingturtle From Switzerland, joined Oct 2011, 1651 posts, RR: 10 Reply 3, posted (11 months 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 3714 times:
A few days ago, instead of making any new year's resolutions I put some wise words into my diary. As a reminder of how I expect myself to act.
"Always respect the interests of the people you like. Egoism won't reward you in the long run."
You can assume what your friend's interests are. He most probably wants to know first if she is into you, and he would want to sort it out with her. And if she really is into you, put off her advances for some weeks or even months so his feelings can cool down.
Perhaps it's better for him to have a girlfriend that isn't into a love/sex/aviation relationship with you, and get rid of her. But you have to give her the opportunity to be a reasonable and responsible person and sort the thing out before you do anything.
Just my 0.015 €.
Keeping calm is terrorism against those who want to live in fear.
georgetown From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 232 posts, RR: 1 Reply 4, posted (11 months 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3628 times:
Sounds like the ship has sailed a little bit ("Hey that girl you love? She's nuts and made a pass at me" feels like a better fact pattern than "Hey you know that girl you love? We're banging. A lot."). Either way there's not a lot of upside if you continue to screw a card carrying looney. You just gotta hope that when the bottom does fall out between her and your friend that she keeps her mouth shut about her extracurriculars. I'd probably have an apology to your friend ready to go.
That's what I was thinking as well, if he is that's nasty and he's broken the bro code, if I was your mate and found out I'd want nothing to do with either of you. If you haven't bumped uglies just tell your mate what's up, it should be enough to let him know then he can decide what he wants to do.
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 6603 posts, RR: 51 Reply 7, posted (11 months 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 3560 times:
Haha I'm sorry, I feel for you. I've been in the same situation a couple times (no I'm not some womanizer, the fact it happened to me even once amazes me) but I've never had it this aggressively. I don't want to be quick to judge, but I'll be blunt: I think she has a problem. I'd steer clear, but it seems like you can't.
I kinda diverge a bit from the crowd here... I may tell the friend in this case. I know it would hurt and all, but you gotta think, if she's blatantly pulling this crap with you, do you think if you tell her off she'll then just stay 100% loyal to your friend forever, or do you think she'll do this again with 5 other guys in the next month?
You don't want your friend to fall deeply in love with her and have her pull this again and him finding out, breaking his heart.
With my friends, I support them and will tolerate gfs I absolutely hate, but the second I think (without bias) that the girl is no good, I will say something. He's done the same for me, and gfs later (and a wife for me ) we are still best friends.
You need to really assess this situation and see how messed up it is. If you really think it's unsalvageable, I'd consider telling your friend
RussianJet From Kyrgyzstan, joined Jul 2007, 7312 posts, RR: 23 Reply 8, posted (11 months 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 3555 times:
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter): Should I tell my friend she´s not worth it? Should I tell him what´s going on? Should I tell her to f... off?
If you haven't been actually doing anything with her that you shouldn't have, then you need to tell him what she's doing before she gets the chance to get in there first and make crap up about you. She will probably do this anyway, but if you take the initiative there is probably a better chance of your version ultimately being believed. If he finds out later and you've said nothing, it'll look like you've been hiding something.
Honestly, there is a good chance that there will be no positive outcome whatever you do, as if he's as smitten as he sounds then he'll have a very hard time coming to terms with things. HOWEVER - I don't think doing nothing is an option, and when all is said and done you surely don't want to see your friend strung along by this cow and hurt even more.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
tugger From United States of America, joined Apr 2006, 5013 posts, RR: 8 Reply 9, posted (11 months 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 3525 times:
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter): she is rubbing her feet with mine below the table. Really uncomfortable.
WTF, keep your feet away from hers! It's not that hard.
If something like that happened to me I would have moved my feet, if she persisted and did it again I would say "Oops sorry about that, not meaning to rub feet under the table." and laughed it off. If it happened again after that I would pull my bud aside and say "Dude, I think she just rubbed her feet against mine again on purpose. I'm out."
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter): But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"
If you have screwed then you are screwed.
You have to tell your friend, it'll really hurt him but you have to tell him or you are not a friend at all. Think about it, what does "Friend" mean to you? If the situation were reversed would you consider the guy (you in this case) to be your "friend" if they were having multiple encounters behind your back? Its just not OK if you really consider the person to be a real friend, a good friend.
Now if he is just more of an acquaintance "friend" that you really just know because of some current common circumstance and don't care if he stays a friend in the future.... well then my advice might change.
I don’t know that I am unafraid to be myself, but it is hard to be somebody else. -W. Shatner
TSS From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 2983 posts, RR: 5 Reply 10, posted (11 months 5 days 1 hour ago) and read 3455 times:
Tell him what she's doing and refuse to have anything more to do with her, but know up front that she will most likely tell him all sorts of lies about you beginning with how "you have been coming on to her". If he is truly your friend he'll know she's lying and the problem will be solved. If she lies and he believes her over you, you'll need to find a new lawyer and he'll eventually find out which one of you two he should have trusted to begin with.
That may be unpleasant, but it's the only way to go.
Able to kill active threads stone dead with a single post!
Ken777 From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 7861 posts, RR: 8 Reply 12, posted (11 months 5 days ago) and read 3403 times:
I'd simply tell her that you aren't going to do anything to abuse the long time friendship with your best friend. Ask her to back off and focus on the guy asking her out. She needs to understand that her focus needs to be on the other guy - you "like her as a person" but isn't interested besides that.
Geezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2 Reply 13, posted (11 months 4 days 23 hours ago) and read 3351 times:
[quote=tugger,reply=9]Do you let her in? Why? And especially if:
If you do, / have, then don't.
[quote=tugger,reply=9]Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
The sex does not interest me.
There's much more involved here than just sex; there's friendship; sex is EVERWHERE ! true friendship is hard to come by; it has to be "cultivated" over a period of time; there has been some excellent advice in every reply so far; i would add just one more thing..........this isn't something you can "put off" in the hope that it will "go away"; not only will it not go away, it will just keep getting WORSE ! So "time" is of the essence here; you must resolve to end this untenable situation immediately, (if not sooner).
Many, many years ago, I had a similar situation happen to me, only the lady involved was my friend's wife already; I didn't feel "uninterested" though, as I WAS very attracted to her, sexually; it's probably one of the few intelligent decisions I ever made regarding things of this nature, and it was hard to make, but I have been very glad I made the right decision, for many years now; In this case, I didn't mention it to my friend; If I were in your place right now, I would avoid being anywhere near this woman where no one else was present; I would immediately confront her via telephone, email, or in a place were there were people about, and I would patiently explain to her my position; if she has ANY sense, she will accept it; if she doesn't have any sense........it's just that much easier to walk away; and immediately after this, I would explain things to your friend. A really good friendship will survive this problem; a "less than really good one" may not; but in either case, you will have done the RIGHT "thing", and that's the most important thing here. ( And Good Luck ! )
[quote=tugger,reply=9]Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
But she is intent on going out with my friend and then come by my place and "have some fun"
This right here indicates to me that this woman is indeed completely lacking in character.
[quote=tugger,reply=9]If you have screwed then you are screwed.
A pretty good way of looking at it;
[quote=tugger,reply=9]You have to tell your friend, it'll really hurt him but you have to tell him or you are not a friend at all. Think about it, what does "Friend" mean to you? If the situation were reversed would you consider the guy (you in this case) to be your "friend" if they were having multiple encounters behind your back? Its just not OK if you really consider the person to be a real friend, a good friend.
I would only add to that, it will "hurt him" a hell of a lot more if he ends up marrying this woman ! It is impossible to have a decent, life-long "relationship" with anyone that you can't trust; trustworthiness is like being pregnant; either you are, or you aren't; there is no "half way", no "kind of", or "sort of".
BTW.........the above advice does not come from superior intelligence or wisdom; it comes from having reached an age when the testosterone in my system has diminished to the point where it no longer "interferes" with my judgement.
Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5518 posts, RR: 26 Reply 14, posted (11 months 4 days 23 hours ago) and read 3325 times:
Quoting Maverick623 (Reply 5): Are you actually having sex with her? Because if you are there's very little you can do that will salvage anything.
Nope. Haven´t touched her.
Quoting tugger (Reply 9): If something like that happened to me I would have moved my feet, if she persisted and did it again I would say "Oops sorry about that, not meaning to rub feet under the table."
The frst time it happened I assumed it was a mistake. The second time, I changed places.
Quoting tugger (Reply 9): Do you let her in? Why? And especially if:
I used to at the beginning. I found it hard to believe that what was going on was actually going on. I actually thought I was imagining things. Now, I pretend I´m not home.
I´m really not worried about me. Or of what I may do. I know a nut-case when I see one. Male or female. I´m worried about my friend and of how our relationship may suffer a bit.
Quoting AR385 (Reply 14): I´m really not worried about me. Or of what I may do. I know a nut-case when I see one. Male or female. I´m worried about my friend and of how our relationship may suffer a bit.
That's good; very good; apparently your friend isn't as perceptive as you are; attempting to "point it out" to him could go any one of two or three different ways, two of which won't benefit your friendship much; I think I would start with just talking with him about the girl, and pointing out that trying to base a relationship solely on "how you feel" can be (and usually is) very hazardous. (before you mention about her visits to your house.) You might point out to him that "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear", (and it sure sounds like he's involved with a "sow's ear" in this case.)
Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
AirAfreak From United States of America, joined Apr 2012, 480 posts, RR: 0 Reply 19, posted (11 months 3 days 9 hours ago) and read 2829 times:
Don't make her mad by saying, "F#CK OFF" because she will turn things around and make you appear to be the bad guy and make up a bunch of lies about you. Take a photo of her in your surroundings so your friend can at least see that she came to you and not the opposite. She sounds like trouble. And if your friend sees a photo of her at your door, then he will know she willingly came to you! It's all about documentation.
If you're not earning miles, are you really on your way?
Maverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5242 posts, RR: 6 Reply 22, posted (11 months 2 days 23 hours ago) and read 2648 times:
Quoting DeltaMD90 (Reply 20): Honestly, if this friend is a true friend (and hasn't been with this gf for a while) I'm pretty sure he'd believe over you. I know with my friends they wouldn't believe some shady gf over me...
Tell your friend everything, and as soon as you can. Don't worry about bringing "proof", and don't be snapping photos at the door.
No matter what happens, the girl WILL deny everything and WILL say that you came on to her. Don't take it personally, that's how (insert NSFW name here) like her work.
If your friend believes her over you, don't get mad. Don't protest, just tell him that you'll be there ready to accept his apology when the same stuff happens again. And then be there to accept his apology when he does come to his senses.
Oh, and don't tell the girl to eff off until you have told your friend everything. It's much easier being on the offensive than defensive.
AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5518 posts, RR: 26 Reply 23, posted (10 months 3 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2343 times:
Since I came here for advice, and got it, and very good advice, to boot, I am giving you all an update.
This Friday, around noon, my friend and I were going through some papers (he is my lawyer, as I pointed out) and the girlfriend arrived. She was not expected. My friend was supposed to meet her in the evening, for fun.
So when I realized she was outside, I told him to come over to the front door, but stay out of sight. I told the girl to f... off, my friend was shocked. I yelled "not interested."
And that was that. My friend and I went back, somewhat rattled, to our papers.
But she came back 6 more times. So 6 more times the same charade followed.
After the 6th. time she came, I explained to my friend what had happened previously (As I related on my OP) He was obviously miffed, but not at me. He thanked me and left.
That evening he told her to f...off too, and that was that. We remain friends. Nothing has changed and I am a happy clam.