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Ever Had An EX That You Currently Hate?  
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6584 posts, RR: 9
Posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 9 hours ago) and read 3562 times:

It's been a while since my last major breakup (8-9 months). I'm pretty recovered by now but it's human nature to dwell on the mistakes of the past.

I still think about how at one point we were very into one another (talking about marriage) for which the "honeymoon" period lasted for a good 6-7 months. Then a few months later the relationship started to fall into a tailspin. It then led to cheating on one another, public fighting (verbal), insecurity, excessive drinking, and overall leading to a major state of depression arguably for the both of us.

One incident that occurred over 6 months ago led to us never speaking to each other ever again. To this day, I really hate my ex and think she was a maneater and a slut from the start but too proud to admit it.

Of course, it's odd when this happens because when couples break up they sometimes can be friends in the afterward. Other times the hurt from the breakup is too severe that two people go separate ways and that's it. I find it rare that two young people who were never married break up and resent each other completely.

Not looking for support of a break up, just curious if anybody else out there really hate their EX to the point that you wouldn't say "hello" to them in public? (and that's putting it nicely.)


"Folks that's the news and I'm outta here!" -- Dennis Miller
48 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlinemmedford From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 561 posts, RR: 8
Reply 1, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 3515 times:

Nope...

Do yourself a favor, save yourself the grief. In the words of the great Jay-Z... "on to the next one".

Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).



ILS = It'll Land Somewhere
User currently offlinebristolflyer From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 2290 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 3507 times:

If you hate each other there's not too much wrong with that if your paths never cross and you don't have to see each other for other reasons (eg kids). I was pretty bitter about an ex previously but am over it - but it also helps that I now live the other side of the Atlantic so no 'accidental' meetings.

As for remaining friends, if some people want to do that it's fine - but I could have ever envisaged myself doing it.



Fortune favours the brave
User currently offlinePlymSpotter From Spain, joined Jun 2004, 11645 posts, RR: 60
Reply 3, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 3496 times:

"The best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody".

Or on top, I guess...


Dan  



...love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
User currently offlineRomeoBravo From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 3497 times:

Yes, one of them displayed very disappointing behaviour. The sort of "after all we went through you're gonna act like X, Y, Z".

However what's the point in even thinking about it. You can't change people, nor history.


User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6584 posts, RR: 9
Reply 5, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 3494 times:

Quoting bristolflyer (Reply 2):
If you hate each other there's not too much wrong with that if your paths never cross and you don't have to see each other for other reasons (eg kids). I was pretty bitter about an ex previously but am over it - but it also helps that I now live the other side of the Atlantic so no 'accidental' meetings.

That will help in t-minus 2.5 months. I'm moving back out to the west coast for grad school so I can finally leave this area for good and never worry about running into her again.

Quoting mmedford (Reply 1):
Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).

That's funny. Good advice.



"Folks that's the news and I'm outta here!" -- Dennis Miller
User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 6, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 3444 times:

No. I have an ex-wife and we get on quite well. A few mutual friends so we see each other every now and then. She's a great woman. Just didnt work out for us.

There are plenty of other "exes" but I feel grateful to all of them. They were all part of my journey. There were more good times than bad times. No point in blaming people for things that went wrong that long ago, (particularly nobody is blameless in these scenarios, including myself)



Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
To this day, I really hate my ex and think she was a maneater and a slut from the start but too proud to admit it.

So she cheated on you? Is that what you are implying? Chalk it up as part of your journey. In the entire span of a life, it would be unusual for this not to happen to most people. You have to excuse humans for acting selfishly on accasion. We all do it.

Quoting mmedford (Reply 1):
Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).

I would be interested to hear how much genuine success you have with this approach. This kind of casual misogyny and objectification might sound like a cool thing to say in high school or a rap song. But the reality is, most men I see that truly subscribe to this attitude end up briefly with a few vapid "hotties" when they are younger. As they get older, the "hotties" become hookers. Ultimately, regret and loneliness is the result.

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 5):
That's funny. Good advice.

No it's not.


User currently offlineAesma From France, joined Nov 2009, 6609 posts, RR: 9
Reply 7, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 3436 times:

I guess I could hate someone who would have been really dishonest from the start, with an ulterior motive making them someone totally different once their goal is accomplished (getting my nationality or a child or access to someone else or to some inheritance, things like that), but so far the girls with which it ended in ugliness were crazy from the start and I liked that about them, so I can only blame myself, and I don't even do that because even if the bad was very bad, the good was very good, and it made me who I am.

One was the rebound from the other, so that plan may not work, BTW.



New Technology is the name we give to stuff that doesn't work yet. Douglas Adams
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6584 posts, RR: 9
Reply 8, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 3431 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
So she cheated on you? Is that what you are implying? Chalk it up as part of your journey. In the entire span of a life, it would be unusual for this not to happen to most people. You have to excuse humans for acting selfishly on accasion. We all do it.

I appreciate the whole "journey" feedback. The thing is I moved back east for her, gave up a life of my own out west, founded out she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship (she did this in the process of me moving back east,) encountered major tensions with my broken home family life, took a job in NYC that was part of a toxic corporate culture, broke up with her, got fired, and now I'm moving back to LA for grad school in June.

The way I feel is that I just wasted nearly 3 years of my life. Life experience or not, it's hard to bundle all this into a journey.

[Edited 2013-03-24 18:34:55]


"Folks that's the news and I'm outta here!" -- Dennis Miller
User currently offlineOA260 From Ireland, joined Nov 2006, 26949 posts, RR: 58
Reply 9, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 3430 times:

No lifes too short to hate. You put it down to lifes experience become a bit wiser, dust yourself down and move on. See the bright side you had a lucky escape!

User currently offlinedarthluke12694 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 3369 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
Of course, it's odd when this happens because when couples break up they sometimes can be friends in the afterward. Other times the hurt from the breakup is too severe that two people go separate ways and that's it.

Sometimes it is better to go your separate ways. I'm still friends with two of my ex's and it still hurts every time I see them....

I stopped being friends with one of my ex's, but we became friends again and I now regret that. I love being friends with her again, but it hurts. I keep thinking what if.....


User currently offlinemmedford From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 561 posts, RR: 8
Reply 11, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 3353 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
I would be interested to hear how much genuine success you have with this approach.

I have a pretty respectable history, so quite well.

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
As they get older, the "hotties" become hookers.

You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.



ILS = It'll Land Somewhere
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11591 posts, RR: 15
Reply 12, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 3309 times:

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.

huh... I thought the oldest profession was fruit salesman....

There are ex's you will hate forever and ex's you will be friends with. It happens. I have one ex who denies to this day he ever cheated on me. Even when I caught him in bed with two other guys. What did I do? Moved on. No convincing him he lied. I am better off now, anyway!



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineDoona From Sweden, joined Feb 2005, 3769 posts, RR: 13
Reply 13, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 1 day ago) and read 3294 times:

Nope. I guess I've always felt that the break-ups that I've experienced have been the right thing in the end. Sure, I've had my heart broken, but I don't feel I've been screwed over by a partner (at least not in a bad way). There's been chock, sadness, annoyance and anger, but not hate. Things may still be awkward in some cases, but there's no or hate and the anger dies down.

Luckily I've never had to deal with dishonesty (at least not in a major way) in that situation. Hey, if they don't like you enough, what are they supposed to do? When I dumped my girlfriend at 17 because she wasn't a 17 year-old gay boy, she thankfully wasn't too upset. Sure, it was horrendous at the time, and 17 year-old me actually considered taking it all back and spending the rest of my life with her if it would just make her stop crying, but as soon as she realized that it didn't have anything to do with her, it wasn't her fault, things calmed down. We're good friends today, and that's ten years ago.

I've had much bigger problems with friends of exes who will hate you with a vengeance as long as you draw breath. But then again, that's what friends are supposed to do.

Cheers
Mats



Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 14, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 22 hours ago) and read 3259 times:

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know

I am full of respect for those in that profession. My point being, at some point, the hotties become unattainable so hookers take over.

[Edited 2013-03-25 02:01:37]

User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 15, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 3244 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 8):
I appreciate the whole "journey" feedback. The thing is I moved back east for her, gave up a life of my own out west, founded out she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship (she did this in the process of me moving back east,) encountered major tensions with my broken home family life, took a job in NYC that was part of a toxic corporate culture, broke up with her, got fired, and now I'm moving back to LA for grad school in June.

The way I feel is that I just wasted nearly 3 years of my life. Life experience or not, it's hard to bundle all this into a journey.

Fair enough. Although I guess she wasn't the only issue in all of that.

There are far worse things in a relationship than cheating, BTW. Cheating is so absolute and tangible, and potentially public and embarassing. But I would choose to be working through that kind of scenario rather than the slow death of most relationships where you fall out of love/like an inch at a time....and before you know it, 10 years later yuo cant even stand being in the same room as each other.

Both suck, but the latter is terminal

Anyway, you're young. One day you WILL see it as part of the journey. Women are wonderful things, make sure you dont take a bitter approach to them or you wont end up with one of the wonderful ones.


User currently offlineRedd From Poland, joined Jan 2013, 96 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 3185 times:

Quoting seb146 (Reply 12):
I have one ex who denies to this day he ever cheated on me. Even when I caught him in bed with two other guys

Maybe it was a mirage? Hallucinogenic substance? 


I have one ex that hates me. I don't really think there is a reason behind it, she's 'slightly' unstable. I still like her :P


And with cheating, I think I've gotten over the romantic Idea of ever having a long lasting monogamous relationship. It's completely natural that you and your partner will want to shag someone else along the way. Me and my current girlfriend have broken up 6 times in the past 3 years, dated other people and come back to each other with a renewed zest for our sexlife and relationship. I can't imagine 'being' with another girl, but sexually that's not the case.

So it's only logical to be open with having other partners on the side or participating in some group fun on occasion. The only problem with that is jealousy.


User currently offlineRevelation From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 12457 posts, RR: 25
Reply 17, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 3175 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
There are plenty of other "exes" but I feel grateful to all of them. They were all part of my journey.

I look back and say knowing what I knew at the time I made the right decision to enter the relationships I entered, and you can't ask for much more than that.

In one case I can think of, I was the party who didn't really have my act together and ended up holding back the relationship, whereas in another one she just didn't have her act together about what she wanted and what she was willing to do for the relationship to blossom.

Too bad on both scores, but that's just how it goes.

Quoting OA260 (Reply 9):
No lifes too short to hate. You put it down to lifes experience become a bit wiser, dust yourself down and move on. See the bright side you had a lucky escape!

Hate is a poison you give to yourself. The other person doesn't feel it at all, no matter how much poison you take.

When I've encountered my ex's I just focus on the inner piece of mind I've gotten after the relationship has ended. Taking the high road is always the way to go, in my opinion. Taking the low road doesn't do any good for you or the other party or anyone else in your life.



Inspiration, move me brightly!
User currently offlineWestJet747 From Canada, joined Aug 2011, 1830 posts, RR: 10
Reply 18, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 12 hours ago) and read 3081 times:

I had the great fortune to attend a management conference last week where the CEO of a major Canadian telecommunications company said something I found pretty inspiring. He said:

"As a trained engineer, my brain can't help but do calculations for everything. A long time ago I calculated that humans on average only have about 400,000 hours on this planet. Why should I waste any of them dwelling on things I can't change?"

I think that says it all. Move on, and let it go.

Personally, I don't hate anyone. Hate takes energy, and I need that energy for sports, work, school, and my other various interests. There are people that I choose not to associate myself with because they bring no value to me, but I don't actively hate them whatsoever. My exes are exes for a reason, so why should I give them anymore of my time and effort? I'm still friends with one of my exes, but I still can't imagine hating the ones I no longer speak to (even though one of them did me some serious damage).

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.

That's probably one of the most common myths, but I digress...



Flying refined.
User currently offlineER757 From Cayman Islands, joined May 2005, 2511 posts, RR: 7
Reply 19, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 10 hours ago) and read 3049 times:

I had a pretty bad break up with my long-time lady friend a few years ago and while we don't speak to one another any longer, I surely don't hate her. As others have said, life's too short - move on with your life and just try not to think about your ex. I know from experience that isn't the easiest thing to do, I do still think about how things ended with us, but I don't dwell on it. I don't wish wish bad things upon her, I just plain don't give a damn anymore one way or the other.

User currently offlinepanam330 From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 2672 posts, RR: 9
Reply 20, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 8 hours ago) and read 3017 times:

Quoting WestJet747 (Reply 18):
"As a trained engineer, my brain can't help but do calculations for everything. A long time ago I calculated that humans on average only have about 400,000 hours on this planet. Why should I waste any of them dwelling on things I can't change?"

I had no idea people all died at 45. That number struck me as a tad low. If you make it to 75, it's more like 657,000 hours. 


User currently offlineWestJet747 From Canada, joined Aug 2011, 1830 posts, RR: 10
Reply 21, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 4 hours ago) and read 2972 times:

Quoting panam330 (Reply 20):
I had no idea people all died at 45. That number struck me as a tad low. If you make it to 75, it's more like 657,000 hours.

Oops! I never did the math. Maybe I misheard the number or he's just a better businessman than engineer.

Well either way, the underlying message is the same  



Flying refined.
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11591 posts, RR: 15
Reply 22, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 3 hours ago) and read 2962 times:

Quoting Redd (Reply 16):
Maybe it was a mirage? Hallucinogenic substance?

Maybe on his part.

I don't know what it's like when straights break up, but when gay men break up, it has been my experience (with myself and friends) are a mean to the ex. They get their friends together and they are all mean to our group for a few months. Then, we just ignore each other after that. Just cold, cold glares across the bar.



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7702 posts, RR: 21
Reply 23, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 2 hours ago) and read 2939 times:
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I don't hate any of them, but there's two that I feel really hurt me. That doesn't seem to be going away with time, it still eats at me regardless of the general progress in moving on.


✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlineRedd From Poland, joined Jan 2013, 96 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (1 year 5 months 6 days 21 hours ago) and read 2898 times:

Quoting seb146 (Reply 22):
I don't know what it's like when straights break up, but when gay men break up, it has been my experience (with myself and friends) are a mean to the ex. They get their friends together and they are all mean to our group for a few months. Then, we just ignore each other after that. Just cold, cold glares across the bar.

And here I thought being gay was easier as you don't have to deal with women, lol. For us straights it's on a case by case basis, I'm still really good friends with one ex, most of them I don't speak to but I've never had mutual friends with an ex since high school, no mutual hangouts or other such things. So for my part it's been easy to finish, forget and move on.


25 Revelation : While it might be provocative to suggest this, the best cure is to find a way to forgive them, not for their sake but for your own sake. I doubt they
26 yyz717 : Ever Had An EX That You Currently Hate? Yes. Each and every last one of them. Passionately.
27 Post contains images ajd1992 : I don't really HATE my exes (well, not all of them) but they just weren't working for various reasons. My first girlfriend was a cheat. We were young
28 Revelation : Hope things go well for the two of you, and that you remember these words through the inevitable ups and downs all relationships have. It's not as ea
29 TheCol : In life you have 2 choices: 1. Learn from your mistakes and move on with your life as a more content and wiser man than you once were. 2. Dwell on yo
30 Revelation : I don't hold myself to that standard. I just ask myself if knowing what I knew then, would I do the same thing all over again? IMHO we can't see all
31 clemsonaj : I've had the exact thing happen to me. We had some mutual friends who all hated me afterward and now (over four years later) a few of them are starti
32 TheCol : Very true. I don't think this applies to the OP though. Objectivity, IMHO, is relative. As a religious man, I believe my faith plays an important fac
33 Post contains images ajd1992 : Hey, better than the other half - they end in death! :p I do remember these words, every day. I have issues here and there (depression, a learning di
34 RussianJet : Thanks for that, and I don't find it provocative at all. I'd like to think I have forgiven them, hence why I don't hate them or feel animosity about
35 tommy767 : Wow. Please don't ever become a therapist. I said the BOTH of us were guilty of that. I'm sure you'd like to know that when I was in the process of m
36 Maverick623 : Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that dwelling excessively on the past is unhealthy. Learn what you can from it, and move on when you're
37 WestJet747 : A therapist will tell you the exact same thing TheCol said. I find that when people complain about their partner's past sexual exploits (I can't stre
38 Bluebird191 : My 2 most recent ex's have caused me the most stress and subsequently have quite a disike a hate for them - the most recent broke up with me for some
39 Maverick623 : So she's a whore for cheating on you, but you're a saint because... she did it first???
40 tommy767 : Well, yes. I moved back to be with her and she cheated on me and kept it secret. Don't you think it would have been acceptable for her to come clean
41 TheCol : You asked, we answered. If you're going to ask a personal question on Anet, be prepared to get everyone's opinion. Some will be favorable, some won't
42 Pellegrine : I'm up all night working, so I might as well give you my opinion too...even though this thread is older. I dated a guy a few years ago, brought him in
43 Geezer : This is something I've been curious about my whole life, about men in general............. Men all profess to "love" women; or is it that they just "
44 EA CO AS : Actually it's great advice. It's a reminder that no matter how attractive a woman may be, once you get past the beauty they're still people and to ha
45 tommy767 : An "Itch" is perfectly understandable. MANY sexual partners and then sweeping it under the rug is another story.
46 MD11Engineer : Charley, the best advise ever, and confirmed by science! Experience from age speaks! Us men are horny as hell, the women know it and they pick whom t
47 kiwiinoz : Well, I doubt very much that the spirit of the advice was the same as your rather eloquent summation!
48 babybus : I think we all seem to have passed over this rather relevant point. Your relationship had died already at that point. Sorry to fall into Christian mo
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