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Ever Had An EX That You Currently Hate?  
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 3667 times:

It's been a while since my last major breakup (8-9 months). I'm pretty recovered by now but it's human nature to dwell on the mistakes of the past.

I still think about how at one point we were very into one another (talking about marriage) for which the "honeymoon" period lasted for a good 6-7 months. Then a few months later the relationship started to fall into a tailspin. It then led to cheating on one another, public fighting (verbal), insecurity, excessive drinking, and overall leading to a major state of depression arguably for the both of us.

One incident that occurred over 6 months ago led to us never speaking to each other ever again. To this day, I really hate my ex and think she was a maneater and a slut from the start but too proud to admit it.

Of course, it's odd when this happens because when couples break up they sometimes can be friends in the afterward. Other times the hurt from the breakup is too severe that two people go separate ways and that's it. I find it rare that two young people who were never married break up and resent each other completely.

Not looking for support of a break up, just curious if anybody else out there really hate their EX to the point that you wouldn't say "hello" to them in public? (and that's putting it nicely.)


"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
48 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlinemmedford From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 561 posts, RR: 8
Reply 1, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 3620 times:

Nope...

Do yourself a favor, save yourself the grief. In the words of the great Jay-Z... "on to the next one".

Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).



ILS = It'll Land Somewhere
User currently offlinebristolflyer From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 2312 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 3612 times:

If you hate each other there's not too much wrong with that if your paths never cross and you don't have to see each other for other reasons (eg kids). I was pretty bitter about an ex previously but am over it - but it also helps that I now live the other side of the Atlantic so no 'accidental' meetings.

As for remaining friends, if some people want to do that it's fine - but I could have ever envisaged myself doing it.



Fortune favours the brave
User currently offlinePlymSpotter From Spain, joined Jun 2004, 11701 posts, RR: 60
Reply 3, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 3601 times:

"The best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody".

Or on top, I guess...


Dan  



...love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
User currently offlineRomeoBravo From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 3602 times:

Yes, one of them displayed very disappointing behaviour. The sort of "after all we went through you're gonna act like X, Y, Z".

However what's the point in even thinking about it. You can't change people, nor history.


User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Reply 5, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 3599 times:

Quoting bristolflyer (Reply 2):
If you hate each other there's not too much wrong with that if your paths never cross and you don't have to see each other for other reasons (eg kids). I was pretty bitter about an ex previously but am over it - but it also helps that I now live the other side of the Atlantic so no 'accidental' meetings.

That will help in t-minus 2.5 months. I'm moving back out to the west coast for grad school so I can finally leave this area for good and never worry about running into her again.

Quoting mmedford (Reply 1):
Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).

That's funny. Good advice.



"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 6, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day ago) and read 3549 times:

No. I have an ex-wife and we get on quite well. A few mutual friends so we see each other every now and then. She's a great woman. Just didnt work out for us.

There are plenty of other "exes" but I feel grateful to all of them. They were all part of my journey. There were more good times than bad times. No point in blaming people for things that went wrong that long ago, (particularly nobody is blameless in these scenarios, including myself)



Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
To this day, I really hate my ex and think she was a maneater and a slut from the start but too proud to admit it.

So she cheated on you? Is that what you are implying? Chalk it up as part of your journey. In the entire span of a life, it would be unusual for this not to happen to most people. You have to excuse humans for acting selfishly on accasion. We all do it.

Quoting mmedford (Reply 1):
Find someone hotter and a bit of advice I was always told and pass on is "no matter how hot she is, someone is tired of fucking her" (or her shit; either works).

I would be interested to hear how much genuine success you have with this approach. This kind of casual misogyny and objectification might sound like a cool thing to say in high school or a rap song. But the reality is, most men I see that truly subscribe to this attitude end up briefly with a few vapid "hotties" when they are younger. As they get older, the "hotties" become hookers. Ultimately, regret and loneliness is the result.

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 5):
That's funny. Good advice.

No it's not.


User currently offlineAesma From France, joined Nov 2009, 6925 posts, RR: 12
Reply 7, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day ago) and read 3541 times:

I guess I could hate someone who would have been really dishonest from the start, with an ulterior motive making them someone totally different once their goal is accomplished (getting my nationality or a child or access to someone else or to some inheritance, things like that), but so far the girls with which it ended in ugliness were crazy from the start and I liked that about them, so I can only blame myself, and I don't even do that because even if the bad was very bad, the good was very good, and it made me who I am.

One was the rebound from the other, so that plan may not work, BTW.



New Technology is the name we give to stuff that doesn't work yet. Douglas Adams
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Reply 8, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day ago) and read 3536 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
So she cheated on you? Is that what you are implying? Chalk it up as part of your journey. In the entire span of a life, it would be unusual for this not to happen to most people. You have to excuse humans for acting selfishly on accasion. We all do it.

I appreciate the whole "journey" feedback. The thing is I moved back east for her, gave up a life of my own out west, founded out she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship (she did this in the process of me moving back east,) encountered major tensions with my broken home family life, took a job in NYC that was part of a toxic corporate culture, broke up with her, got fired, and now I'm moving back to LA for grad school in June.

The way I feel is that I just wasted nearly 3 years of my life. Life experience or not, it's hard to bundle all this into a journey.

[Edited 2013-03-24 18:34:55]


"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
User currently offlineOA260 From Ireland, joined Nov 2006, 27305 posts, RR: 60
Reply 9, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 1 day ago) and read 3535 times:

No lifes too short to hate. You put it down to lifes experience become a bit wiser, dust yourself down and move on. See the bright side you had a lucky escape!

User currently offlinedarthluke12694 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 3474 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
Of course, it's odd when this happens because when couples break up they sometimes can be friends in the afterward. Other times the hurt from the breakup is too severe that two people go separate ways and that's it.

Sometimes it is better to go your separate ways. I'm still friends with two of my ex's and it still hurts every time I see them....

I stopped being friends with one of my ex's, but we became friends again and I now regret that. I love being friends with her again, but it hurts. I keep thinking what if.....


User currently offlinemmedford From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 561 posts, RR: 8
Reply 11, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3458 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
I would be interested to hear how much genuine success you have with this approach.

I have a pretty respectable history, so quite well.

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
As they get older, the "hotties" become hookers.

You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.



ILS = It'll Land Somewhere
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11794 posts, RR: 15
Reply 12, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 19 hours ago) and read 3414 times:

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.

huh... I thought the oldest profession was fruit salesman....

There are ex's you will hate forever and ex's you will be friends with. It happens. I have one ex who denies to this day he ever cheated on me. Even when I caught him in bed with two other guys. What did I do? Moved on. No convincing him he lied. I am better off now, anyway!



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineDoona From Sweden, joined Feb 2005, 3772 posts, RR: 13
Reply 13, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 18 hours ago) and read 3399 times:

Nope. I guess I've always felt that the break-ups that I've experienced have been the right thing in the end. Sure, I've had my heart broken, but I don't feel I've been screwed over by a partner (at least not in a bad way). There's been chock, sadness, annoyance and anger, but not hate. Things may still be awkward in some cases, but there's no or hate and the anger dies down.

Luckily I've never had to deal with dishonesty (at least not in a major way) in that situation. Hey, if they don't like you enough, what are they supposed to do? When I dumped my girlfriend at 17 because she wasn't a 17 year-old gay boy, she thankfully wasn't too upset. Sure, it was horrendous at the time, and 17 year-old me actually considered taking it all back and spending the rest of my life with her if it would just make her stop crying, but as soon as she realized that it didn't have anything to do with her, it wasn't her fault, things calmed down. We're good friends today, and that's ten years ago.

I've had much bigger problems with friends of exes who will hate you with a vengeance as long as you draw breath. But then again, that's what friends are supposed to do.

Cheers
Mats



Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 14, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 3364 times:

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know

I am full of respect for those in that profession. My point being, at some point, the hotties become unattainable so hookers take over.

[Edited 2013-03-25 02:01:37]

User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 15, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 3349 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 8):
I appreciate the whole "journey" feedback. The thing is I moved back east for her, gave up a life of my own out west, founded out she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship (she did this in the process of me moving back east,) encountered major tensions with my broken home family life, took a job in NYC that was part of a toxic corporate culture, broke up with her, got fired, and now I'm moving back to LA for grad school in June.

The way I feel is that I just wasted nearly 3 years of my life. Life experience or not, it's hard to bundle all this into a journey.

Fair enough. Although I guess she wasn't the only issue in all of that.

There are far worse things in a relationship than cheating, BTW. Cheating is so absolute and tangible, and potentially public and embarassing. But I would choose to be working through that kind of scenario rather than the slow death of most relationships where you fall out of love/like an inch at a time....and before you know it, 10 years later yuo cant even stand being in the same room as each other.

Both suck, but the latter is terminal

Anyway, you're young. One day you WILL see it as part of the journey. Women are wonderful things, make sure you dont take a bitter approach to them or you wont end up with one of the wonderful ones.


User currently offlineRedd From Poland, joined Jan 2013, 114 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 3290 times:

Quoting seb146 (Reply 12):
I have one ex who denies to this day he ever cheated on me. Even when I caught him in bed with two other guys

Maybe it was a mirage? Hallucinogenic substance? 


I have one ex that hates me. I don't really think there is a reason behind it, she's 'slightly' unstable. I still like her :P


And with cheating, I think I've gotten over the romantic Idea of ever having a long lasting monogamous relationship. It's completely natural that you and your partner will want to shag someone else along the way. Me and my current girlfriend have broken up 6 times in the past 3 years, dated other people and come back to each other with a renewed zest for our sexlife and relationship. I can't imagine 'being' with another girl, but sexually that's not the case.

So it's only logical to be open with having other partners on the side or participating in some group fun on occasion. The only problem with that is jealousy.


User currently onlineRevelation From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 12938 posts, RR: 25
Reply 17, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 3280 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
There are plenty of other "exes" but I feel grateful to all of them. They were all part of my journey.

I look back and say knowing what I knew at the time I made the right decision to enter the relationships I entered, and you can't ask for much more than that.

In one case I can think of, I was the party who didn't really have my act together and ended up holding back the relationship, whereas in another one she just didn't have her act together about what she wanted and what she was willing to do for the relationship to blossom.

Too bad on both scores, but that's just how it goes.

Quoting OA260 (Reply 9):
No lifes too short to hate. You put it down to lifes experience become a bit wiser, dust yourself down and move on. See the bright side you had a lucky escape!

Hate is a poison you give to yourself. The other person doesn't feel it at all, no matter how much poison you take.

When I've encountered my ex's I just focus on the inner piece of mind I've gotten after the relationship has ended. Taking the high road is always the way to go, in my opinion. Taking the low road doesn't do any good for you or the other party or anyone else in your life.



Inspiration, move me brightly!
User currently offlineWestJet747 From Canada, joined Aug 2011, 1932 posts, RR: 10
Reply 18, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 3186 times:

I had the great fortune to attend a management conference last week where the CEO of a major Canadian telecommunications company said something I found pretty inspiring. He said:

"As a trained engineer, my brain can't help but do calculations for everything. A long time ago I calculated that humans on average only have about 400,000 hours on this planet. Why should I waste any of them dwelling on things I can't change?"

I think that says it all. Move on, and let it go.

Personally, I don't hate anyone. Hate takes energy, and I need that energy for sports, work, school, and my other various interests. There are people that I choose not to associate myself with because they bring no value to me, but I don't actively hate them whatsoever. My exes are exes for a reason, so why should I give them anymore of my time and effort? I'm still friends with one of my exes, but I still can't imagine hating the ones I no longer speak to (even though one of them did me some serious damage).

Quoting mmedford (Reply 11):
You make hookers seem like a bad thing... It's one of the world's oldest profession you know.

That's probably one of the most common myths, but I digress...



Flying refined.
User currently offlineER757 From Cayman Islands, joined May 2005, 2607 posts, RR: 7
Reply 19, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 4 hours ago) and read 3154 times:

I had a pretty bad break up with my long-time lady friend a few years ago and while we don't speak to one another any longer, I surely don't hate her. As others have said, life's too short - move on with your life and just try not to think about your ex. I know from experience that isn't the easiest thing to do, I do still think about how things ended with us, but I don't dwell on it. I don't wish wish bad things upon her, I just plain don't give a damn anymore one way or the other.

User currently offlinepanam330 From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 2693 posts, RR: 9
Reply 20, posted (1 year 8 months 4 weeks 3 hours ago) and read 3122 times:

Quoting WestJet747 (Reply 18):
"As a trained engineer, my brain can't help but do calculations for everything. A long time ago I calculated that humans on average only have about 400,000 hours on this planet. Why should I waste any of them dwelling on things I can't change?"

I had no idea people all died at 45. That number struck me as a tad low. If you make it to 75, it's more like 657,000 hours. 


User currently offlineWestJet747 From Canada, joined Aug 2011, 1932 posts, RR: 10
Reply 21, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 3077 times:

Quoting panam330 (Reply 20):
I had no idea people all died at 45. That number struck me as a tad low. If you make it to 75, it's more like 657,000 hours.

Oops! I never did the math. Maybe I misheard the number or he's just a better businessman than engineer.

Well either way, the underlying message is the same  



Flying refined.
User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11794 posts, RR: 15
Reply 22, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 3067 times:

Quoting Redd (Reply 16):
Maybe it was a mirage? Hallucinogenic substance?

Maybe on his part.

I don't know what it's like when straights break up, but when gay men break up, it has been my experience (with myself and friends) are a mean to the ex. They get their friends together and they are all mean to our group for a few months. Then, we just ignore each other after that. Just cold, cold glares across the bar.



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7719 posts, RR: 21
Reply 23, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 21 hours ago) and read 3044 times:

I don't hate any of them, but there's two that I feel really hurt me. That doesn't seem to be going away with time, it still eats at me regardless of the general progress in moving on.


✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlineRedd From Poland, joined Jan 2013, 114 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 3003 times:

Quoting seb146 (Reply 22):
I don't know what it's like when straights break up, but when gay men break up, it has been my experience (with myself and friends) are a mean to the ex. They get their friends together and they are all mean to our group for a few months. Then, we just ignore each other after that. Just cold, cold glares across the bar.

And here I thought being gay was easier as you don't have to deal with women, lol. For us straights it's on a case by case basis, I'm still really good friends with one ex, most of them I don't speak to but I've never had mutual friends with an ex since high school, no mutual hangouts or other such things. So for my part it's been easy to finish, forget and move on.


User currently onlineRevelation From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 12938 posts, RR: 25
Reply 25, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 2986 times:

Quoting RussianJet (Reply 23):
I don't hate any of them, but there's two that I feel really hurt me. That doesn't seem to be going away with time, it still eats at me regardless of the general progress in moving on.

While it might be provocative to suggest this, the best cure is to find a way to forgive them, not for their sake but for your own sake. I doubt they are suffering from anything they did to you, so it's best to find a way to be okay with it and in turn let it go. In my case, some of the things former partners did that hurt me really were explainable once I took into account we're all human and looked at things from that and a few other angles. Yeah, I may have gotten used in one way or another, but I wasn't exactly guiltless of wanting things my way, and so it goes.



Inspiration, move me brightly!
User currently offlineyyz717 From Canada, joined Sep 2001, 16365 posts, RR: 56
Reply 26, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 2926 times:

Ever Had An EX That You Currently Hate?

Yes. Each and every last one of them. Passionately.



Panam, TWA, Ansett, Eastern.......AC next? Might be good for Canada.
User currently offlineajd1992 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 27, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 14 hours ago) and read 2931 times:

I don't really HATE my exes (well, not all of them) but they just weren't working for various reasons.

My first girlfriend was a cheat. We were young (high school) but still, those sorts of things do stay with you forever and they made me doubt myself for a long time even after I cut all contact with her. About 2 years ago she accused my then girlfriend now fiancée and her brother of gang raping her. Yeah, not the smartest of girls, is she?  

The rest of my exes cheated on me and used me for my money (I had a rather large cash sum from my mum's life insurance policy and I was too naive at 16 to see they wanted that and not me).

I'm engaged now to somebody completely different and I count myself as very lucky to have found somebody to put up with me ( ). Nobody is perfect, everybody has their foibles but it comes down to if you can overlook them in each other to appreciate the good parts of somebody.


User currently onlineRevelation From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 12938 posts, RR: 25
Reply 28, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 2907 times:

Quoting ajd1992 (Reply 27):
I'm engaged now to somebody completely different and I count myself as very lucky to have found somebody to put up with me ( ). Nobody is perfect, everybody has their foibles but it comes down to if you can overlook them in each other to appreciate the good parts of somebody.

Hope things go well for the two of you, and that you remember these words through the inevitable ups and downs all relationships have. It's not as easy as it looks, thus the fact that half of the marriages end up in divorce...



Inspiration, move me brightly!
User currently offlineTheCol From Canada, joined Jan 2007, 2039 posts, RR: 6
Reply 29, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 2906 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
but it's human nature to dwell on the mistakes of the past.

In life you have 2 choices:

1. Learn from your mistakes and move on with your life as a more content and wiser man than you once were.
2. Dwell on your mistakes and use them as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself and bitter towards others.

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
cheating on one another
Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
public fighting (verbal)
Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
excessive drinking

So you were partially at fault for some of the drama. Not a good reason to hate somebody.

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
To this day, I really hate my ex and think she was a maneater and a slut from the start but too proud to admit it.

To proud to admit what? It's easy to call her those things, which she probably had coming, and convince yourself that she is mostly to blame for your woes. The hard thing for a people to admit is that they failed to see the writing on the wall and entrapped themselves in bad relationships. Once people figure it out, they can learn from their mistakes and move on successfully.

Quoting bristolflyer (Reply 2):
If you hate each other there's not too much wrong with that

Yes, there's a lot wrong with that.

Quoting Aesma (Reply 7):
and it made me who I am

Only if you let it.



No matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan.
User currently onlineRevelation From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 12938 posts, RR: 25
Reply 30, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 2860 times:

Quoting TheCol (Reply 29):
The hard thing for a people to admit is that they failed to see the writing on the wall and entrapped themselves in bad relationships.

I don't hold myself to that standard. I just ask myself if knowing what I knew then, would I do the same thing all over again?

IMHO we can't see all the writing on the wall at the beginning of the relationship, events often cause our eyes to open wider and see a few things further along the wall.

Also, us humans have an optimism bias: we are biased towards thinking things will work out. If we didn't, chances are good there'd be no relationships, and thus no civilization. Thus when things don't go as hoped, you have to consider the old 'nothing risked, nothing gained' rule.



Inspiration, move me brightly!
User currently offlineclemsonaj From United States of America, joined Aug 2009, 271 posts, RR: 0
Reply 31, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 2862 times:

Quoting seb146 (Reply 22):
I don't know what it's like when straights break up, but when gay men break up, it has been my experience (with myself and friends) are a mean to the ex. They get their friends together and they are all mean to our group for a few months. Then, we just ignore each other after that. Just cold, cold glares across the bar.

I've had the exact thing happen to me. We had some mutual friends who all hated me afterward and now (over four years later) a few of them are starting to talk to me again. It's a small gay community here and I'm pretty sure he said some things that weren't true, but I came out of it all with an awesome husband and a much better situation. I figured out that I certainly didn't need people like that in my life and am better off for it!


User currently offlineTheCol From Canada, joined Jan 2007, 2039 posts, RR: 6
Reply 32, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 2854 times:

Quoting Revelation (Reply 30):
IMHO we can't see all the writing on the wall at the beginning of the relationship, events often cause our eyes to open wider and see a few things further along the wall.

Very true. I don't think this applies to the OP though.

Quoting Revelation (Reply 30):
Also, us humans have an optimism bias: we are biased towards thinking things will work out. If we didn't, chances are good there'd be no relationships, and thus no civilization.

Objectivity, IMHO, is relative. As a religious man, I believe my faith plays an important factor when it comes to personal objectivity. I understand that others may not see eye to eye with me in that regard, but, at the very least, we can probably agree that a wise person would depend on the advice of wise friends and family to make good decisions.



No matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan.
User currently offlineajd1992 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 33, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 2854 times:

Quoting Revelation (Reply 28):
Hope things go well for the two of you, and that you remember these words through the inevitable ups and downs all relationships have. It's not as easy as it looks, thus the fact that half of the marriages end up in divorce...

Hey, better than the other half - they end in death! :p

I do remember these words, every day. I have issues here and there (depression, a learning difficulty that makes day to day life an nightmare sometimes, and it's getting worse to be honest which in turn makes the depression worse, and it's already something I can fall into quite easily because of my learning problems... I can't win!) and I am happy I've found somebody that accepts that, and likes me for me regardless of my problems.

Plus, life is too short anyway  


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7719 posts, RR: 21
Reply 34, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 2807 times:

Quoting Revelation (Reply 25):
While it might be provocative to suggest this, the best cure is to find a way to forgive them, not for their sake but for your own sake. I doubt they are suffering from anything they did to you, so it's best to find a way to be okay with it and in turn let it go

Thanks for that, and I don't find it provocative at all. I'd like to think I have forgiven them, hence why I don't hate them or feel animosity about it. I guess the problem is the fact that it just makes me so sad that it went the way it did, and some how feel deficient for the fact that it didn't work out. My problem really, and it's partly also about forgiving yourself, even if you feel you weren't directly in the wrong.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Reply 35, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 2686 times:

Quoting TheCol (Reply 29):
In life you have 2 choices:

1. Learn from your mistakes and move on with your life as a more content and wiser man than you once were.
2. Dwell on your mistakes and use them as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself and bitter towards others.

Wow. Please don't ever become a therapist.

Quoting TheCol (Reply 29):
So you were partially at fault for some of the drama. Not a good reason to hate somebody.

I said the BOTH of us were guilty of that. I'm sure you'd like to know that when I was in the process of moving back from LA to NJ she CHEATED on me and covered it up -- only to reveal it when I caught her in a lie 3 months into our relationship.

Can't make excuses for being a whore. She also told me later in the broken relationship (and I did not know this upfront) that she had 40 to 50 sexual partners in college.



"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
User currently offlineMaverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5732 posts, RR: 6
Reply 36, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 2671 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):

Wow. Please don't ever become a therapist.

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that dwelling excessively on the past is unhealthy. Learn what you can from it, and move on when you're able to.

He may have been crass, but he is correct.



"PHX is Phoenix, PDX is the other city" -777Way
User currently offlineWestJet747 From Canada, joined Aug 2011, 1932 posts, RR: 10
Reply 37, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 2669 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):
Wow. Please don't ever become a therapist.

A therapist will tell you the exact same thing TheCol said.

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):
She also told me later in the broken relationship (and I did not know this upfront) that she had 40 to 50 sexual partners in college.

I find that when people complain about their partner's past sexual exploits (I can't stress the word "past" enough), that they do so from a place of jealousy and possessiveness. Frankly, how many partners she had before you is of no concern so long as she did so safely and didn't contract an STI that could be passed to you.

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):
Can't make excuses for being a whore.

Can you make excuses for not being able to let it go? Your profile says you are 21-25, which means you have a whole lot of time to find someone new. It's not as if you were married to this woman for 25 years. You're only doing yourself a disservice with your "hate". As has been mentioned, it makes no different to your ex how you feel about her, so you're only hurting yourself at this point.

I also find it pretty unfortunate you're willing to so freely call her a "whore". Whenever I've had a relationship come to a bad ending, I go out and better myself and prove that I deserve someone better than my ex. I don't go on the internet to vent about how terrible she is and that I hate her so much. Your name-calling is showing everyone on A-net that you're letting your ex "win the break-up", which is ultimately a reflection of your character, not hers.



Flying refined.
User currently offlineBluebird191 From Australia, joined Apr 2011, 186 posts, RR: 0
Reply 38, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 2640 times:

My 2 most recent ex's have caused me the most stress and subsequently have quite a disike a hate for them - the most recent broke up with me for some unknown reason and stopped talking only to come crawling back a few weeks later. It appeared all was made up for only for me to find out less than 24 hours later that they apparently "found another boyfriend", which I then discovered a few days ago that it was a lie and they were truly single. And they were apparently one to stay faithful to a partner.......go figure...... The ex before that I found out is a compulsive liar, clingy and didn't allow me a life and to see friends and the like - once I found out that they had told me over 100 lies in a 3 day period they were very quickly dumped and gone out of my life - they lost my trust in a big way when I found out about their lies.

Nodwadays I'm happily single but not closed to the idea of dating and a relationship again but that potential partner would have to be extremely amazing to get my attention and to keep it due to how the ex's have treated me over time - I gave them my trust, confidence and committment just to name a few things only for them to abuse the hell out of it.


User currently offlineMaverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5732 posts, RR: 6
Reply 39, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 2593 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):

Can't make excuses for being a whore.
Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
cheating on one another

So she's a whore for cheating on you, but you're a saint because... she did it first???



"PHX is Phoenix, PDX is the other city" -777Way
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Reply 40, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 17 hours ago) and read 2571 times:

Quoting Maverick623 (Reply 39):
So she's a whore for cheating on you, but you're a saint because... she did it first???

Well, yes. I moved back to be with her and she cheated on me and kept it secret. Don't you think it would have been acceptable for her to come clean before a major transcon move that she slept with someone so my feelings about her could have been a bit more realistic? The cheating occurred after several "break ups" by her. She was impossible to deal with.

Why am I the bad guy here for being honest? What's wrong with venting and asking if other people hate their ex? So what if I don't like CO, that doesn't mean I should be ripped on



"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
User currently offlineTheCol From Canada, joined Jan 2007, 2039 posts, RR: 6
Reply 41, posted (1 year 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 12 hours ago) and read 2544 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 40):
What's wrong with venting and asking if other people hate their ex?

You asked, we answered.

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 40):
Why am I the bad guy here for being honest?

If you're going to ask a personal question on Anet, be prepared to get everyone's opinion. Some will be favorable, some won't.



No matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan.
User currently offlinePellegrine From United States of America, joined Mar 2007, 2492 posts, RR: 8
Reply 42, posted (1 year 8 months 2 weeks 6 days 15 hours ago) and read 2435 times:

I'm up all night working, so I might as well give you my opinion too...even though this thread is older.

I dated a guy a few years ago, brought him into my home, my life, et cetera. He broke up with me, and while I never hated him, he really hurt me to the core by the way he did it. I had a friend ask me about this recently. It was so amazing to me how someone can do a complete 180º in the space of a week or two. My pain was to the point where I wouldn't even drive past his apartment building. But, unfortunately a lot of people don't even give you the common respect of telling you why they feel the way they do, and why their feelings have changed i.e. why they broke up with you and why it didn't work out.

Like others have said, you just have to move on. Hate takes out of your own soul. Hate is a strong word, and I don't think many people do actually. People that break up with you in an inconclusive and undefined way are usually insecure themselves in my opinion. And such is life.

And if I saw that guy again? I don't know if I'd honestly say 'hello', but I have no animosity. When you're young, there is a lot to learn about relationships. I'm a lover to a fault.



oh boy!!!
User currently offlineGeezer From United States of America, joined Aug 2010, 1479 posts, RR: 2
Reply 43, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 2147 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Reply 35):
Can't make excuses for being a whore. She also told me later in the broken relationship (and I did not know this upfront) that she had 40 to 50 sexual partners in college.

This is something I've been curious about my whole life, about men in general.............

Men all profess to "love" women; or is it that they just "love" what women "have", and that they want "it" ?

In other words......mean are almost always horny, and are always wanting sex; as long as they are getting what they want, the female involved is their "girlfriend"; but the very minute the "girlfriend" gets an itch for "something else"......she's a "slut", a "whore" etc etc etc etc!

My question is......what difference is there for a woman to have a ravenous sexual appetite, than for a man to have the same ? Because we all know that almost all straight men DO have a ravenous sexual appetite. From personal experience, I can tell, you this........having one is one thing, (and is common and quite normal) but where you allow it to lead you is quite a different matter !

News flash to most young guys...........women are every bit as horny as you are ! it's just that some are very selective where they get their "excitement", and some are quite willing to take anything that "pops up" ! ( no pun intended)

So what do you call men who run up very high "scores" ? Heros ? Sir Getsalot ?

I've never understood why most men seem to hold women to a whole different standard than they do other men.

Here's some (IMHO) good advice; The last time I looked, I think the world has around 6,000,000,000 people; somewhere around half are female; a HUGE % of the 3,000,000,000 males have some sort of obvious "problem"; either they're dumb as a box of rocks, ugly, lazy and never have any $$$. are uneducated, all sorts of things; if you consider yourself NOT to be burdened by any of these things, that give you a tremendous advantage ! So Take advantage OF IT ! If th present "squeeze" isn't working out.......so what ? there are about 3 billion more "out there"!

The longer you sit around and commiserate about "the last one" with "the boys" on A.net, the less time you're gonna have to find....."the next one" ! Get it ?

Charley



Stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result; Albert Einstein
User currently offlineEA CO AS From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 13743 posts, RR: 61
Reply 44, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 2131 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 6):
Quoting tommy767 (Reply 5):That's funny. Good advice.
No it's not.

Actually it's great advice. It's a reminder that no matter how attractive a woman may be, once you get past the beauty they're still people and to have a relationship work with them you'll need to have mutual love and respect. At some point that dazzling beauty may fade and it's a bitter pill to swallow if you come to realize you're involved with someone you have nothing in common with and possibly don't even genuinely like as a person.

So find someone you really get along well with and respect, and hopefully find physically attractive as well. To quote Ferris Bueller:

If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.



"In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem - government IS the problem." - Ronald Reagan
User currently offlinetommy767 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 6931 posts, RR: 9
Reply 45, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 2104 times:

Quoting Geezer (Reply 43):

In other words......mean are almost always horny, and are always wanting sex; as long as they are getting what they want, the female involved is their "girlfriend"; but the very minute the "girlfriend" gets an itch for "something else"......she's a "slut", a "whore" etc etc etc etc!

An "Itch" is perfectly understandable. MANY sexual partners and then sweeping it under the rug is another story.



"KEEP CLIMBING" -- DELTA
User currently offlineMD11Engineer From Germany, joined Oct 2003, 14139 posts, RR: 62
Reply 46, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 2 days 17 hours ago) and read 2062 times:

Quoting Geezer (Reply 43):
This is something I've been curious about my whole life, about men in general.............

Men all profess to "love" women; or is it that they just "love" what women "have", and that they want "it" ?

In other words......mean are almost always horny, and are always wanting sex; as long as they are getting what they want, the female involved is their "girlfriend"; but the very minute the "girlfriend" gets an itch for "something else"......she's a "slut", a "whore" etc etc etc etc!

My question is......what difference is there for a woman to have a ravenous sexual appetite, than for a man to have the same ? Because we all know that almost all straight men DO have a ravenous sexual appetite. From personal experience, I can tell, you this........having one is one thing, (and is common and quite normal) but where you allow it to lead you is quite a different matter !

News flash to most young guys...........women are every bit as horny as you are ! it's just that some are very selective where they get their "excitement", and some are quite willing to take anything that "pops up" ! ( no pun intended)

So what do you call men who run up very high "scores" ? Heros ? Sir Getsalot ?

I've never understood why most men seem to hold women to a whole different standard than they do other men.

Here's some (IMHO) good advice; The last time I looked, I think the world has around 6,000,000,000 people; somewhere around half are female; a HUGE % of the 3,000,000,000 males have some sort of obvious "problem"; either they're dumb as a box of rocks, ugly, lazy and never have any $$$. are uneducated, all sorts of things; if you consider yourself NOT to be burdened by any of these things, that give you a tremendous advantage ! So Take advantage OF IT ! If th present "squeeze" isn't working out.......so what ? there are about 3 billion more "out there"!

The longer you sit around and commiserate about "the last one" with "the boys" on A.net, the less time you're gonna have to find....."the next one" ! Get it ?

Charley

Charley, the best advise ever, and confirmed by science! Experience from age speaks! Us men are horny as hell, the women know it and they pick whom they find desirable. So try to be desirable for a woman. Btw., this principle works with most animal species.
The male offers his genes and the female picks. If you behave like a box of rocks and look like a scarecrow, don´t blame the women if you only get the less desirable women, if ever. Improve yourself!


As for exes, I have some whom I don´t want to meet again, ever (my two ex-wives after bitter divorces) and some whom I still can meet and be on friendly terms.
But there is another one, who recently came back into my life and where all the old feelings of affection came back, on both sides, even though we lost contact for more than 25 years.
In fact she was the closest I had as a girlfriend when we were in highschool, though everything was purely platonic back then and still is. She contacted me last january to tell me that a close common female friend from highschool days had recently passed away from cancer at a quite young age. This got us to exchange emails and we discovered that we still love each othe and still have lots in common. 25 years ago we had an argument over nothing, and being stupid, immature and stubborn, we were too proud to approach the other one to make up, even though none of us wanted us to break up.

The problem for me is that for the last 12 years I have a girlfriend in a long distance relationship, whom I love as well.
I can´t make a choice and I want to hurt neither of them, because I love both of them too much.
Both are in some aspects very similar (both have a Chinese ethnic and cultural background), but in other aspects very different. The girlfriend I´ve been with for the last 12 years is sporty, practical and open to outdoor activities, while the other onre is an intellectual, a scientist wirh two PhD´s. If she were not blind, I think she also would be interested in outdoor activities (which I like as well). Both of them are intelligent and successfull in their respective professions.

Jan


User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 47, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 2 days ago) and read 2009 times:

Quoting EA CO AS (Reply 44):

Well, I doubt very much that the spirit of the advice was the same as your rather eloquent summation!


User currently offlinebabybus From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 48, posted (1 year 8 months 1 week 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 1956 times:

Quoting tommy767 (Thread starter):
It then led to cheating on one another, public fighting (verbal), insecurity, excessive drinking, and overall leading to a major state of depression arguably for the both of us.

I think we all seem to have passed over this rather relevant point.

Your relationship had died already at that point. Sorry to fall into Christian mode but you were both wrong to behave in the way that you did. Call it quits, forgive and forget.


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