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Am I In An Abusive Relationship?  
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6465 posts, RR: 32
Posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 22 hours ago) and read 2862 times:
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I never thought this would happen to me. And I am not sure this is an abusive relationship or if it´s a woman being a woman. I need some advice.

I met a wonderful woman about 4 months ago. We started dating and we decided to start going out seriously. As in every relationship, we´ve shared many things. Personal stories, hobbies, family stories.

Lately, however, she has been really frustrated at work and although she denies it she is taking it out on me. Since about two weeks ago any time there is trouble in her office I know I´m in for trouble when I see her.

The problem is not really that she is insulting (which she is) but that she has an incredible ability to twist everything we´ve shared and find something bad where I have always screwed up. She also takes some of the intimate things we´ve shared and comes back at me with such venom that it is really, really hurting. It´s come to the point where I don´t know when I´ll be telling her something if it´s going to come back at me and bite me at a later time.

At the beginning I tried to laugh it off, but now I realize it has become a pattern. It gets worst when I don´t want to do or give her something she wants. The latest row is because I´ve told her for a variety of valid reasons (for me) that I can´t join her with her entire family for the Christmas holidays. Boy was that a mistake. I still haven´t heard the end of it.

She stayed with me a month ago where I was in the hospital for 4 days. I asked her no to. I asked her to go home but she refused. Now she is saying that I am too demanding and "don´t you remember how you made me stay with you when you were sick?"

Last week was my birthday and it was hell. When I saw her and she was late, I very innocently (because I was worried) asked her what had happened and she got really pissed off and started yelling "What? Do you think I was busy being a whore with a customer? I was like "Where did that come from?" It all went down hill from there and I had my worst birthday ever , and that is no exageration.

I am really in love with her and she can be a sweet, great, generous woman but that person I rarely see anymore. Breaking up is really going to hurt. I don´t want to take a wrong decision and break it off, but I´m wondering if I´m not really in an abusive circle that´ll only get worse. Is there anything I can do? Is it that bad or I´m just not understanding women?

46 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineDeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 7971 posts, RR: 51
Reply 1, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 22 hours ago) and read 2852 times:

It's really easy for me to say, but it really doesn't sound like it was meant to be. Couples are great in helping each other change for the better but that only goes so far. I can give you cliche advice like there are other fish in the sea, yadaya, but it's ultimately up to you. Some people can make you really happy but still be very incompatible. May be easier to break it off early on than keep on suffering.

Good luck, she seems pretty unreasonable



Ironically I have never flown a Delta MD-90 :)
User currently offlineflymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 7246 posts, RR: 6
Reply 2, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 22 hours ago) and read 2851 times:

You've been with her for four months, hard to say how in love you can be.

If I was you, I would end it. She seems crazy. IMO there is no reason to date anyone for more than a few months unless you see yourself marrying that person or have a long term relationship. You want to marry or have a long term relationship with this woman? I wouldn't.

Also I must say its never a great sign when you need relationship advice on Anet, whether its a girlfriend, one night stand or your Hair Barbour.

[Edited 2013-09-18 20:50:57]


"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
User currently offlineDreadnought From United States of America, joined Feb 2008, 8917 posts, RR: 24
Reply 3, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 2830 times:

You need to talk to her, and tell her that you are not there to be her stress-relief toy when she's having a bad day. Give her at least a chance to understand what's wrong and make changes.

If she doesn't change, leave. There is no chance for happiness if she cannot develop some empathy.

Good luck.



Veni Vidi Castratavi Illegitimos
User currently offlinekiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 4, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 2783 times:

Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)

If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:

Wait for a good moment to talk, (tricky). Explain to her pretty much what you explained to us. That it appears that she has grown frustrated and angry within the relationship. That her anger does not seem to come from any specific incident, rather something more general. Ask her if there is something in her life, (could be you!) that is preventing her from relaxing and enjoying the time you have. 4 months is far too early for the "bitter and twisted" phase of a relationship.

Avoid at all costs the discussion delving into the minutia/detail of certain incidents, eg the staying with you when you were sick. If she brings up something like this, try and steer her towards the core of her frustration, (eg, "so you think I am too demanding of your time....is that the issue?")

Chances are, based on what you are describing, she will bite your head off before you get very far with this. But there is nothing much to lose. If you cant address this situation by discussing it head on, then it's probably not salvagable. Move on


User currently offlineDarkSnowyNight From United States of America, joined Jan 2012, 1392 posts, RR: 3
Reply 5, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 2767 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 5):
Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)

Very true, which is why it's important to get started now.

AR385,

Dump her. As soon as possible. And don't be polite about it. It's very hard to see this when you're in love, but this woman offers you no value. And that's making the assumption she's got some nice things going on you're not telling us about.

She's not going to get better.



Posting without Knowledge is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 20222 posts, RR: 59
Reply 6, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 2764 times:

Get out now.

One of my best friends was in one of these for 18 months before finally breaking it off. He talked about dumping her for over a year. A year that he suffered in misery for no good reason.

Don't be that man.


User currently offlineseb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11761 posts, RR: 15
Reply 7, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 20 hours ago) and read 2741 times:

I had this same thing for a year and a half with a man. It started six weeks in and didn't let up until we were throwing flatware at each other and I dragged him out by his hair.

Get out now.



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlinejetblueguy22 From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 2821 posts, RR: 4
Reply 8, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 20 hours ago) and read 2737 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW
HEAD MODERATOR

Just an armchair advice guy. But end it as soon as humanly possible. You may not be in an abusive relationship, but it is toxic. Two of my closest friends in the world both had crazy girlfriends at the same time. I couldn't stand the women, but I respected that they liked them. Big mistake on my part. When you are in that kind of relationship it changes you, not for the better. Just like she is taking stress out on you, you may also be taking that stress out on people around you and not even knowing it. Now I don't know you personally obviously. But that stress is going to hit you eventually. It is better to get out now than keep saying "Oh it will get better!" My roommate did that for 3 years with the same girl. They finally broke up in May. I've never seen him happier and the stress he had before is nearly gone. His situation wasn't much different than yours, but it was more a case of religion controlling her every move and his not being "perfect in the eyes of God." (I think I've made it known I'm a pretty religious person. But I think if Jesus came back tomorrow even he would tell her to tone it down.)

TL;DR End it now and move forward with someone who will care for you and respect you like you deserve.
Pat



All of the opinions stated above are mine and do not represent Airliners.net or my employer unless otherwise stated.
User currently offlinetype-rated From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 20 hours ago) and read 2720 times:

This woman is using twisted "truth" according to the way she see's it to try to control you. She's using guilt to do this.
I fully support DarkSnowyNights advice. Dump her ASAP and don't be nice about it. I'd wait until she pulls this guilt crap on you again and just reply "I'm tired of hearing this crap out of you. I'm done and I'm outta here." And cut it right there. Do not talk to her, do not interact with her at all. Done is done.

She sounds bi-polar to me. You may wish to tell her that she needs psychological help.

There are other women out there that can be nice, well at least most of the time. Dump this crazy bitch now!


User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 20222 posts, RR: 59
Reply 10, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 20 hours ago) and read 2707 times:

Quoting type-rated (Reply 9):
She sounds bi-polar to me.

Borderline Personality Disorder is my guess.

Quoting type-rated (Reply 9):
You may wish to tell her that she needs psychological help

Nope. A simple: "this isn't working for me and I need to end it now." And buh-bye. Telling her to get help will just piss her off and possibly present a physical danger.


User currently offlineblueflyer From United States of America, joined Jan 2006, 4118 posts, RR: 2
Reply 11, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 20 hours ago) and read 2704 times:
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One word does it: Yes
(well, not for the frigging server running this forum of course)



I've got $h*t to do
User currently offlineairportugal310 From Tokelau, joined Apr 2004, 3681 posts, RR: 2
Reply 12, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 19 hours ago) and read 2666 times:

You seem to have a lot of weird problems occuring when you go digging back through the forums...sure it's not just you?

Rascism claims, lawsuit claims, etc...

Just wondering



I sell airplanes and airplane accessories
User currently offlinePHX787 From Japan, joined Mar 2012, 7851 posts, RR: 19
Reply 13, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 2647 times:

Quoting flymia (Reply 2):
You've been with her for four months, hard to say how in love you can be.

hmm this is the major point.

i always say "love" develops after a year together.

cut and run, bro.



我思うゆえに我あり。(Jap. 'I think, therefore I am.')
User currently offlineBraybuddy From India, joined Aug 2004, 5793 posts, RR: 32
Reply 14, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 2642 times:

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
I met a wonderful woman

No, you didn't.


User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6465 posts, RR: 32
Reply 15, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 2628 times:
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Quoting airportugal310 (Reply 12):
You seem to have a lot of weird problems occuring when you go digging back through the forums...sure it's not just you?

Rascism claims, lawsuit claims, etc...

Just wondering

I´ve been in the forums for 10 years in November. A lot has happened in my life in that time and sure, I´ve done things I am not proud of that I have shared here. I have posted things in the forums in those 10 years I regret. Both as starter threads or as responses in threads. But I´ve made my peace with that. Is that what you mean?

In any case, you are right. I wrote this for advice and yes, any advice is welcome. Here´s what I think about yours: Yes, I´ve thought it could be me. And I´ve given a hard look at that possibility. I am, however, after doing that and talking to other people, pretty sure that it is not me. I am not 100% sure though.

Since I do value the advice I receive in many matters in a.net (some may disagree) due to the people from all walks of life in the forums, I have no trouble listening to (reading) those opinions. I value the life experience that I can gain here from what others tell me and yes, it its a big help for me. And after all, that is what I´m looking for: Help and experience.


User currently offlineoly720man From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 6840 posts, RR: 11
Reply 16, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 16 hours ago) and read 2592 times:

If you want to go on with this you're going to have to get her to open up about her reactions, e.g.

Quoting AR385 (Thread starter):
"What? Do you think I was busy being a whore with a customer?

Is this the result of how she was treated in a previous relationship and she strikes out when questioned or when she may be put on the spot? If she finds fault with others it may be a defence reaction to how she's been treated previously. Or it may just be how she is. Insecurity or bad wiring in the brain?

Really, how much pain do you want? Try and fix her or cut your losses?

My brother went through similar and they split.



wheat and dairy can screw up your brain
User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7714 posts, RR: 21
Reply 17, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 15 hours ago) and read 2565 times:

Here's the thing:

If you're walking on eggshells the whole time, and you're scared to say anything for fear of it being twisted into an argument, you need to finish this relationship. Living in fear is no way to be.

It's hard, and I get what you're saying about how she can be lovely and so on, but while everyone is entitled to an 'off day' now and again, nobody should have to live with Jekyll and Hyde.

Find someone who will treat you right.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlineBongodog1964 From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2006, 3656 posts, RR: 3
Reply 18, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 15 hours ago) and read 2564 times:

Ist question, is this all the time or monthly ? the best solution to living with PMT is to go into hiding for a week !!

If not cut your losses and run, presently the only thing you have been exchanging is bodily fluids, get to the stage where it involves property, pets or even kids and it will be far messier and expensive to get away.

Cohabitation or marriage rarely if ever makes these situations easier, women are strange creatures wired competely differently to men and we have to understand that, they often find curtains and scatter cushions to be intriguing ! The circumstances however that you describe are way beyond normal, if the lady has such issues she ought to realise it and seek help, if not she's hardly likely to thank you for pointing out that she's a nut job.

If she's a bunny boiler you might also need to move and change your phone number.


User currently offlinebennett123 From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2004, 7751 posts, RR: 3
Reply 19, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 15 hours ago) and read 2545 times:

Apparently bi polar runs in families.

Do you know anything about her family.


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7714 posts, RR: 21
Reply 20, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 14 hours ago) and read 2536 times:

Quoting bennett123 (Reply 19):
Apparently bi polar runs in families.

Maybe. What that has to do with this thread though is completely unclear. There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently onlinemandala499 From Indonesia, joined Aug 2001, 6956 posts, RR: 76
Reply 21, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 14 hours ago) and read 2514 times:

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4):
Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)

Been there done that... as both sides of the evil boundary!

Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4):
If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:

Do the last ditch effort as a true last ditch effort. And be prepared to be her shrink if you do... otherwise, send her to see one.

Quoting RussianJet (Reply 20):
There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.

If she's a workaholic, I think it's simply depression due to trouble at work. Unfortunately, this is the aggravated kind of depression. Simple choices:
1. Dump her... you don't need her mierdoso problems taking over you.
2. Help her...
3. Support her... send her to see a shrink.

With 2 and 3, always be prepared to take option number 1.



When losing situational awareness, pray Cumulus Granitus isn't nearby !
User currently offlinebennett123 From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2004, 7751 posts, RR: 3
Reply 22, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 13 hours ago) and read 2496 times:

Russianjet

Bi Polar was suggested, which personally I doubt.

Looking at any evidence, will potentially eliminate the possibility.

IMO, the key is when did the change come, and what else happened at that time.


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7714 posts, RR: 21
Reply 23, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 13 hours ago) and read 2487 times:

Quoting bennett123 (Reply 22):
Russianjet

Bi Polar was suggested, which personally I doubt.

Looking at any evidence, will potentially eliminate the possibility.

Fair enough, but it's a complete stab in the dark. I personally get a bit annoyed by how often bi-polar is bandied around as a possible excuse or explanation for bad behaviour, when in fact it's a very specific, serious condition.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlinebennett123 From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2004, 7751 posts, RR: 3
Reply 24, posted (1 year 2 months 1 week 13 hours ago) and read 2476 times:

I do know someone who possibly is Bi Polar.

I recall her saying in the pub one night that her mother was Bi Polar.

On googling the condition, I found that it runs in families.

Also the symptoms were consistent with my colleagues behaviour.


25 Aesma : On the other hand it could just be that having a bipolar parent will influence you into becoming bipolar yourself, like happens with alcoholics, smoke
26 Post contains images einsteinboricua : My advice can be described with this image:' Get out now. Doesn't look like it's meant to be.
27 falstaff : I agree, dump her and get out. I have dumped and done the dumping. I never looked back and never wondered about if I did the right thing because the
28 seb146 : This is going to come out all wrong, I'm sure but: I am glad we are talking about this. For decades only women were cast as the victims in domestic ab
29 usflyer msp : Yeah really...she must have magic underneath her skirt to make him catch strong feelings that fast while seemingly being a bitch! AR385, its not wort
30 bhill : Walk......if it walks like a duck. Life is too short. Sure there is rough spots in any relationship, but if at the end of the day there are more bad t
31 rwy04lga : How many ways do you need to hear it? Look down....see the handles with black and yellow stripes? Pull on them HARD and HOLD ON!!!
32 solarflyer22 : Dump her immediately. She is emotionally unstable and out of control. She is also probably very insecure. It's probably 40% good but 60% bad. That's n
33 Post contains images EA CO AS : The woman I was dating prior to meeting my wife was EXACTLY like the one you're dating now (her name isn't Toni, is it?). Anyway, I found myself walk
34 RussianJet : Sometimes I think the only way that someone who treats their other half like this will learn is to be dumped and then live to regret what they've lost
35 Post contains images mandala499 : I wouldn't bother... but it's his choice... and remember, I did put the number 1 option as....
36 varigb707 : I couldn't pass the 4th paragraph and my advise to ya : dump her. You don't need the aggravation. Cheers.
37 Post contains links PHX787 : I'll help u out here bro: http://budugllydesign.com/archiveow/top100/dumping.htm (top 100 dumping lines!)
38 SA7700 : Hi Martin, I truly don't believe that you deserve to be treated like this, especially on your birthday. IMHO rather break it off now, while the relat
39 OA260 : Im normally one for trying to make it work but this sounds like a time to cut ties and end it. When people start turning things into bitter and twist
40 babybus : Relationships are like books. The more you read the more you see the story unfold. It sounds like to me that you have just discovered this woman's rea
41 Post contains links Ljungdahl : Parts of the description sounds like Narcissistic Personality disorder: http://www.menwhoareabused.com/ If this is the case, just get out of the relat
42 Centre : Get out of it while you can Dont try to work it out and dont believe any promise to change. GET OUT NOW
43 AR385 : Hi, Thank you everyone for your excellent advice and sharing of your stories. I also received a few PMs which have been very valuable and empathetic a
44 kiwirob : If you have to ask the question you probably are.
45 Post contains images Maverick623 : Good. She obviously has issues, and hopefully someone will come along one day with enough patience and understanding to help her with them. Unfortuna
46 RyanairGuru : From personal experience (my sister, rather than a partner) I wish to support you with your decision. I remember the impact that my sister's experien
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