AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6884 posts, RR: 35 Posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3011 times:
I never thought this would happen to me. And I am not sure this is an abusive relationship or if it´s a woman being a woman. I need some advice.
I met a wonderful woman about 4 months ago. We started dating and we decided to start going out seriously. As in every relationship, we´ve shared many things. Personal stories, hobbies, family stories.
Lately, however, she has been really frustrated at work and although she denies it she is taking it out on me. Since about two weeks ago any time there is trouble in her office I know I´m in for trouble when I see her.
The problem is not really that she is insulting (which she is) but that she has an incredible ability to twist everything we´ve shared and find something bad where I have always screwed up. She also takes some of the intimate things we´ve shared and comes back at me with such venom that it is really, really hurting. It´s come to the point where I don´t know when I´ll be telling her something if it´s going to come back at me and bite me at a later time.
At the beginning I tried to laugh it off, but now I realize it has become a pattern. It gets worst when I don´t want to do or give her something she wants. The latest row is because I´ve told her for a variety of valid reasons (for me) that I can´t join her with her entire family for the Christmas holidays. Boy was that a mistake. I still haven´t heard the end of it.
She stayed with me a month ago where I was in the hospital for 4 days. I asked her no to. I asked her to go home but she refused. Now she is saying that I am too demanding and "don´t you remember how you made me stay with you when you were sick?"
Last week was my birthday and it was hell. When I saw her and she was late, I very innocently (because I was worried) asked her what had happened and she got really pissed off and started yelling "What? Do you think I was busy being a whore with a customer? I was like "Where did that come from?" It all went down hill from there and I had my worst birthday ever , and that is no exageration.
I am really in love with her and she can be a sweet, great, generous woman but that person I rarely see anymore. Breaking up is really going to hurt. I don´t want to take a wrong decision and break it off, but I´m wondering if I´m not really in an abusive circle that´ll only get worse. Is there anything I can do? Is it that bad or I´m just not understanding women?
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 8119 posts, RR: 51
Reply 1, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3001 times:
It's really easy for me to say, but it really doesn't sound like it was meant to be. Couples are great in helping each other change for the better but that only goes so far. I can give you cliche advice like there are other fish in the sea, yadaya, but it's ultimately up to you. Some people can make you really happy but still be very incompatible. May be easier to break it off early on than keep on suffering.
flymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 7319 posts, RR: 6
Reply 2, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3000 times:
You've been with her for four months, hard to say how in love you can be.
If I was you, I would end it. She seems crazy. IMO there is no reason to date anyone for more than a few months unless you see yourself marrying that person or have a long term relationship. You want to marry or have a long term relationship with this woman? I wouldn't.
Also I must say its never a great sign when you need relationship advice on Anet, whether its a girlfriend, one night stand or your Hair Barbour.
[Edited 2013-09-18 20:50:57]
"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
kiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2166 posts, RR: 5
Reply 4, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2932 times:
Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:
Wait for a good moment to talk, (tricky). Explain to her pretty much what you explained to us. That it appears that she has grown frustrated and angry within the relationship. That her anger does not seem to come from any specific incident, rather something more general. Ask her if there is something in her life, (could be you!) that is preventing her from relaxing and enjoying the time you have. 4 months is far too early for the "bitter and twisted" phase of a relationship.
Avoid at all costs the discussion delving into the minutia/detail of certain incidents, eg the staying with you when you were sick. If she brings up something like this, try and steer her towards the core of her frustration, (eg, "so you think I am too demanding of your time....is that the issue?")
Chances are, based on what you are describing, she will bite your head off before you get very far with this. But there is nothing much to lose. If you cant address this situation by discussing it head on, then it's probably not salvagable. Move on
DarkSnowyNight From United States of America, joined Jan 2012, 1474 posts, RR: 3
Reply 5, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2916 times:
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 5): Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
Very true, which is why it's important to get started now.
Dump her. As soon as possible. And don't be polite about it. It's very hard to see this when you're in love, but this woman offers you no value. And that's making the assumption she's got some nice things going on you're not telling us about.
She's not going to get better.
Be a Perfectionist. You're Nothing if You're Just Another...
jetblueguy22 From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 2895 posts, RR: 4
Reply 8, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 2886 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW HEAD MODERATOR
Just an armchair advice guy. But end it as soon as humanly possible. You may not be in an abusive relationship, but it is toxic. Two of my closest friends in the world both had crazy girlfriends at the same time. I couldn't stand the women, but I respected that they liked them. Big mistake on my part. When you are in that kind of relationship it changes you, not for the better. Just like she is taking stress out on you, you may also be taking that stress out on people around you and not even knowing it. Now I don't know you personally obviously. But that stress is going to hit you eventually. It is better to get out now than keep saying "Oh it will get better!" My roommate did that for 3 years with the same girl. They finally broke up in May. I've never seen him happier and the stress he had before is nearly gone. His situation wasn't much different than yours, but it was more a case of religion controlling her every move and his not being "perfect in the eyes of God." (I think I've made it known I'm a pretty religious person. But I think if Jesus came back tomorrow even he would tell her to tone it down.)
TL;DR End it now and move forward with someone who will care for you and respect you like you deserve.
All of the opinions stated above are mine and do not represent Airliners.net or my employer unless otherwise stated.
type-rated From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 2869 times:
This woman is using twisted "truth" according to the way she see's it to try to control you. She's using guilt to do this.
I fully support DarkSnowyNights advice. Dump her ASAP and don't be nice about it. I'd wait until she pulls this guilt crap on you again and just reply "I'm tired of hearing this crap out of you. I'm done and I'm outta here." And cut it right there. Do not talk to her, do not interact with her at all. Done is done.
She sounds bi-polar to me. You may wish to tell her that she needs psychological help.
There are other women out there that can be nice, well at least most of the time. Dump this crazy bitch now!
AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6884 posts, RR: 35
Reply 15, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 2777 times:
Quoting airportugal310 (Reply 12): You seem to have a lot of weird problems occuring when you go digging back through the forums...sure it's not just you?
Rascism claims, lawsuit claims, etc...
I´ve been in the forums for 10 years in November. A lot has happened in my life in that time and sure, I´ve done things I am not proud of that I have shared here. I have posted things in the forums in those 10 years I regret. Both as starter threads or as responses in threads. But I´ve made my peace with that. Is that what you mean?
In any case, you are right. I wrote this for advice and yes, any advice is welcome. Here´s what I think about yours: Yes, I´ve thought it could be me. And I´ve given a hard look at that possibility. I am, however, after doing that and talking to other people, pretty sure that it is not me. I am not 100% sure though.
Since I do value the advice I receive in many matters in a.net (some may disagree) due to the people from all walks of life in the forums, I have no trouble listening to (reading) those opinions. I value the life experience that I can gain here from what others tell me and yes, it its a big help for me. And after all, that is what I´m looking for: Help and experience.
Is this the result of how she was treated in a previous relationship and she strikes out when questioned or when she may be put on the spot? If she finds fault with others it may be a defence reaction to how she's been treated previously. Or it may just be how she is. Insecurity or bad wiring in the brain?
Really, how much pain do you want? Try and fix her or cut your losses?
Bongodog1964 From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2006, 3816 posts, RR: 3
Reply 18, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 2713 times:
Ist question, is this all the time or monthly ? the best solution to living with PMT is to go into hiding for a week !!
If not cut your losses and run, presently the only thing you have been exchanging is bodily fluids, get to the stage where it involves property, pets or even kids and it will be far messier and expensive to get away.
Cohabitation or marriage rarely if ever makes these situations easier, women are strange creatures wired competely differently to men and we have to understand that, they often find curtains and scatter cushions to be intriguing ! The circumstances however that you describe are way beyond normal, if the lady has such issues she ought to realise it and seek help, if not she's hardly likely to thank you for pointing out that she's a nut job.
If she's a bunny boiler you might also need to move and change your phone number.
Maybe. What that has to do with this thread though is completely unclear. There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
mandala499 From Indonesia, joined Aug 2001, 7010 posts, RR: 77
Reply 21, posted (1 year 5 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 2663 times:
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4): Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
Been there done that... as both sides of the evil boundary!
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4): If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:
Do the last ditch effort as a true last ditch effort. And be prepared to be her shrink if you do... otherwise, send her to see one.
Quoting RussianJet (Reply 20): There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.
If she's a workaholic, I think it's simply depression due to trouble at work. Unfortunately, this is the aggravated kind of depression. Simple choices:
1. Dump her... you don't need her mierdoso problems taking over you.
2. Help her...
3. Support her... send her to see a shrink.
With 2 and 3, always be prepared to take option number 1.
When losing situational awareness, pray Cumulus Granitus isn't nearby !
Looking at any evidence, will potentially eliminate the possibility.
Fair enough, but it's a complete stab in the dark. I personally get a bit annoyed by how often bi-polar is bandied around as a possible excuse or explanation for bad behaviour, when in fact it's a very specific, serious condition.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈