AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5493 posts, RR: 26 Posted (2 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2266 times:
I never thought this would happen to me. And I am not sure this is an abusive relationship or if it´s a woman being a woman. I need some advice.
I met a wonderful woman about 4 months ago. We started dating and we decided to start going out seriously. As in every relationship, we´ve shared many things. Personal stories, hobbies, family stories.
Lately, however, she has been really frustrated at work and although she denies it she is taking it out on me. Since about two weeks ago any time there is trouble in her office I know I´m in for trouble when I see her.
The problem is not really that she is insulting (which she is) but that she has an incredible ability to twist everything we´ve shared and find something bad where I have always screwed up. She also takes some of the intimate things we´ve shared and comes back at me with such venom that it is really, really hurting. It´s come to the point where I don´t know when I´ll be telling her something if it´s going to come back at me and bite me at a later time.
At the beginning I tried to laugh it off, but now I realize it has become a pattern. It gets worst when I don´t want to do or give her something she wants. The latest row is because I´ve told her for a variety of valid reasons (for me) that I can´t join her with her entire family for the Christmas holidays. Boy was that a mistake. I still haven´t heard the end of it.
She stayed with me a month ago where I was in the hospital for 4 days. I asked her no to. I asked her to go home but she refused. Now she is saying that I am too demanding and "don´t you remember how you made me stay with you when you were sick?"
Last week was my birthday and it was hell. When I saw her and she was late, I very innocently (because I was worried) asked her what had happened and she got really pissed off and started yelling "What? Do you think I was busy being a whore with a customer? I was like "Where did that come from?" It all went down hill from there and I had my worst birthday ever , and that is no exageration.
I am really in love with her and she can be a sweet, great, generous woman but that person I rarely see anymore. Breaking up is really going to hurt. I don´t want to take a wrong decision and break it off, but I´m wondering if I´m not really in an abusive circle that´ll only get worse. Is there anything I can do? Is it that bad or I´m just not understanding women?
DeltaMD90 From United States of America, joined Apr 2008, 6567 posts, RR: 51 Reply 1, posted (2 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2256 times:
It's really easy for me to say, but it really doesn't sound like it was meant to be. Couples are great in helping each other change for the better but that only goes so far. I can give you cliche advice like there are other fish in the sea, yadaya, but it's ultimately up to you. Some people can make you really happy but still be very incompatible. May be easier to break it off early on than keep on suffering.
flymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 6768 posts, RR: 6 Reply 2, posted (2 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2255 times:
You've been with her for four months, hard to say how in love you can be.
If I was you, I would end it. She seems crazy. IMO there is no reason to date anyone for more than a few months unless you see yourself marrying that person or have a long term relationship. You want to marry or have a long term relationship with this woman? I wouldn't.
Also I must say its never a great sign when you need relationship advice on Anet, whether its a girlfriend, one night stand or your Hair Barbour.
[Edited 2013-09-18 20:50:57]
"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
kiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2139 posts, RR: 5 Reply 4, posted (2 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2187 times:
Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:
Wait for a good moment to talk, (tricky). Explain to her pretty much what you explained to us. That it appears that she has grown frustrated and angry within the relationship. That her anger does not seem to come from any specific incident, rather something more general. Ask her if there is something in her life, (could be you!) that is preventing her from relaxing and enjoying the time you have. 4 months is far too early for the "bitter and twisted" phase of a relationship.
Avoid at all costs the discussion delving into the minutia/detail of certain incidents, eg the staying with you when you were sick. If she brings up something like this, try and steer her towards the core of her frustration, (eg, "so you think I am too demanding of your time....is that the issue?")
Chances are, based on what you are describing, she will bite your head off before you get very far with this. But there is nothing much to lose. If you cant address this situation by discussing it head on, then it's probably not salvagable. Move on
DarkSnowyNight From United States of America, joined Jan 2012, 1206 posts, RR: 2 Reply 5, posted (2 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2171 times:
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 5): Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
Very true, which is why it's important to get started now.
Dump her. As soon as possible. And don't be polite about it. It's very hard to see this when you're in love, but this woman offers you no value. And that's making the assumption she's got some nice things going on you're not telling us about.
She's not going to get better.
Posting without Knowledge is simply Tolerated Vandalism... We are the Vandals.
jetblueguy22 From United States of America, joined Nov 2007, 2450 posts, RR: 4 Reply 8, posted (2 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2141 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW FORUM MODERATOR
Just an armchair advice guy. But end it as soon as humanly possible. You may not be in an abusive relationship, but it is toxic. Two of my closest friends in the world both had crazy girlfriends at the same time. I couldn't stand the women, but I respected that they liked them. Big mistake on my part. When you are in that kind of relationship it changes you, not for the better. Just like she is taking stress out on you, you may also be taking that stress out on people around you and not even knowing it. Now I don't know you personally obviously. But that stress is going to hit you eventually. It is better to get out now than keep saying "Oh it will get better!" My roommate did that for 3 years with the same girl. They finally broke up in May. I've never seen him happier and the stress he had before is nearly gone. His situation wasn't much different than yours, but it was more a case of religion controlling her every move and his not being "perfect in the eyes of God." (I think I've made it known I'm a pretty religious person. But I think if Jesus came back tomorrow even he would tell her to tone it down.)
TL;DR End it now and move forward with someone who will care for you and respect you like you deserve.
I'm Here So It Worked-Every Pilot Who Made a Semi Unsafe Decision
type-rated From United States of America, joined Sep 1999, 4723 posts, RR: 20 Reply 9, posted (2 months 3 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 2124 times:
This woman is using twisted "truth" according to the way she see's it to try to control you. She's using guilt to do this.
I fully support DarkSnowyNights advice. Dump her ASAP and don't be nice about it. I'd wait until she pulls this guilt crap on you again and just reply "I'm tired of hearing this crap out of you. I'm done and I'm outta here." And cut it right there. Do not talk to her, do not interact with her at all. Done is done.
She sounds bi-polar to me. You may wish to tell her that she needs psychological help.
There are other women out there that can be nice, well at least most of the time. Dump this crazy bitch now!
Fly North Central Airlines..The route of the Northliners!
AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5493 posts, RR: 26 Reply 15, posted (2 months 3 weeks 5 hours ago) and read 2032 times:
Quoting airportugal310 (Reply 12): You seem to have a lot of weird problems occuring when you go digging back through the forums...sure it's not just you?
Rascism claims, lawsuit claims, etc...
I´ve been in the forums for 10 years in November. A lot has happened in my life in that time and sure, I´ve done things I am not proud of that I have shared here. I have posted things in the forums in those 10 years I regret. Both as starter threads or as responses in threads. But I´ve made my peace with that. Is that what you mean?
In any case, you are right. I wrote this for advice and yes, any advice is welcome. Here´s what I think about yours: Yes, I´ve thought it could be me. And I´ve given a hard look at that possibility. I am, however, after doing that and talking to other people, pretty sure that it is not me. I am not 100% sure though.
Since I do value the advice I receive in many matters in a.net (some may disagree) due to the people from all walks of life in the forums, I have no trouble listening to (reading) those opinions. I value the life experience that I can gain here from what others tell me and yes, it its a big help for me. And after all, that is what I´m looking for: Help and experience.
Is this the result of how she was treated in a previous relationship and she strikes out when questioned or when she may be put on the spot? If she finds fault with others it may be a defence reaction to how she's been treated previously. Or it may just be how she is. Insecurity or bad wiring in the brain?
Really, how much pain do you want? Try and fix her or cut your losses?
Bongodog1964 From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2006, 3329 posts, RR: 3 Reply 18, posted (2 months 3 weeks 2 hours ago) and read 1968 times:
Ist question, is this all the time or monthly ? the best solution to living with PMT is to go into hiding for a week !!
If not cut your losses and run, presently the only thing you have been exchanging is bodily fluids, get to the stage where it involves property, pets or even kids and it will be far messier and expensive to get away.
Cohabitation or marriage rarely if ever makes these situations easier, women are strange creatures wired competely differently to men and we have to understand that, they often find curtains and scatter cushions to be intriguing ! The circumstances however that you describe are way beyond normal, if the lady has such issues she ought to realise it and seek help, if not she's hardly likely to thank you for pointing out that she's a nut job.
If she's a bunny boiler you might also need to move and change your phone number.
Maybe. What that has to do with this thread though is completely unclear. There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
mandala499 From Indonesia, joined Aug 2001, 6409 posts, RR: 74 Reply 21, posted (2 months 3 weeks 1 hour ago) and read 1918 times:
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4): Like most abusive relationships, just packing up and leaving is much easier said than done, (hence why people become trapped)
Been there done that... as both sides of the evil boundary!
Quoting kiwiinoz (Reply 4): If you think it is worth one last ditch effort, I would try the following:
Do the last ditch effort as a true last ditch effort. And be prepared to be her shrink if you do... otherwise, send her to see one.
Quoting RussianJet (Reply 20): There is absolutely not enough info here to even think about whether she has bi-polar disorder. It's a hell of a lot more than simply having some unreasonably bad moods and a shitty attitude.
If she's a workaholic, I think it's simply depression due to trouble at work. Unfortunately, this is the aggravated kind of depression. Simple choices:
1. Dump her... you don't need her mierdoso problems taking over you.
2. Help her...
3. Support her... send her to see a shrink.
With 2 and 3, always be prepared to take option number 1.
When losing situational awareness, pray Cumulus Granitus isn't nearby !
Looking at any evidence, will potentially eliminate the possibility.
Fair enough, but it's a complete stab in the dark. I personally get a bit annoyed by how often bi-polar is bandied around as a possible excuse or explanation for bad behaviour, when in fact it's a very specific, serious condition.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
Aesma From France, joined Nov 2009, 5704 posts, RR: 9 Reply 25, posted (2 months 3 weeks ago) and read 1931 times:
On the other hand it could just be that having a bipolar parent will influence you into becoming bipolar yourself, like happens with alcoholics, smokers, etc. Not much is known about the causes of the illness (my father has it and over the years he has used all the treatments the industry could come up with, including lithium, electroshock therapy, etc.). Personally I don't believe I'll become bipolar, even though I'm the image of my father. I stay far away from shrinks, too !
New Technology is the name we give to stuff that doesn't work yet. Douglas Adams
I agree, dump her and get out. I have dumped and done the dumping. I never looked back and never wondered about if I did the right thing because the relationships weren't working so they would never have worked out.
Exactly. She sounds like a disaster to me, so she really can't be all they wonderful.
I am not exactly the guy to talk to about romantic relationships. I don't like to be tied down to anything and I like to do what I want when I want to do it. I will might never get married or have children. Oddly I have found the right woman, neither of us care for too much for complicated relationship stuff. Neither of us sees other people (its been like this for nine years), but we can go a month without seeing each other. Who knows maybe we'll get married one day, but by the time that happens children will be out of the question.
I wouldn't bother, it sounds like too much work for no real return on investment. Relationships are a two way street and if one person has to give too much the relationship will break.
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter): The latest row is because I´ve told her for a variety of valid reasons (for me) that I can´t join her with her entire family for the Christmas holidays. Boy was that a mistake. I still haven´t heard the end of it.
That sounds terrible, I would come up with an excuse to not go, even if I had to make something up.
seb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 10716 posts, RR: 16 Reply 28, posted (2 months 2 weeks 6 days 20 hours ago) and read 1854 times:
This is going to come out all wrong, I'm sure but: I am glad we are talking about this. For decades only women were cast as the victims in domestic abuse situations. For some reason, men were not allowed to be domestic abuse victims. Even if they did something about it, they felt some added sense of shame. Men can be abused, too.
usflyer msp From United States of America, joined May 2000, 1973 posts, RR: 0 Reply 29, posted (2 months 2 weeks 6 days 19 hours ago) and read 1796 times:
Quoting falstaff (Reply 27): Exactly. She sounds like a disaster to me, so she really can't be all they wonderful.
Yeah really...she must have magic underneath her skirt to make him catch strong feelings that fast while seemingly being a bitch! AR385, its not worth it. There are other women out there, she has to go...
bhill From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 888 posts, RR: 0 Reply 30, posted (2 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 1769 times:
Walk......if it walks like a duck. Life is too short. Sure there is rough spots in any relationship, but if at the end of the day there are more bad than good things and you are not growing in this relationship....
solarflyer22 From US Minor Outlying Islands, joined Nov 2009, 580 posts, RR: 0 Reply 32, posted (2 months 2 weeks 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1732 times:
Dump her immediately. She is emotionally unstable and out of control. She is also probably very insecure. It's probably 40% good but 60% bad. That's not a healthy relationship though and the sooner you exit the less traumatic it will be for you and her. After you cut it off go on vacation or go see family and get out of the habit of sulking at home etc.
My ex was similar to this and a very attractive but women like this usually marry A holes and jerks. They struggle with people that have any class and are considerate. The advantage that a Type A Ahole male has is that he doesn't care about her feelings anyway so he just ignores her and tells her to shut up. He basically just dominates her in the relationship. That's also why men like that have no real friends. You don't want to become that type of man for any woman.
Quoting RussianJet (Reply 17): If you're walking on eggshells the whole time, and you're scared to say anything for fear of it being twisted into an argument, you need to finish this relationship. Living in fear is no way to be.
The woman I was dating prior to meeting my wife was EXACTLY like the one you're dating now (her name isn't Toni, is it?). Anyway, I found myself walking on eggshells, apologizing for things I didn't do in the name of keeping the peace, etc. And one day I'd finally had enough and ended things, and it enabled me to move on to a healthy relationship.
Dating is like shopping for clothes; you should try on several things and see what fits you best before you buy it and walk out of the store. You wouldn't settle for clothes that are constricting, uncomfortable and cause you pain, so why do that with a potential partner?
Put this girl back on the rack where she belongs and keep shopping.
"In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem - government IS the problem." - Ronald Reagan
RussianJet From Kyrgyzstan, joined Jul 2007, 7303 posts, RR: 23 Reply 34, posted (2 months 2 weeks 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1701 times:
Sometimes I think the only way that someone who treats their other half like this will learn is to be dumped and then live to regret what they've lost and why. So long as you explain why you're dumping them, it's one of their only chances to really change. I speak from personal experience actually, having been dumped by a girl I was really into for being overbearing and sometimes downright unreasonable. I was young, and it hurt like hell at the time, but I understood that my behaviour caused the whole break-up and it helped me develop into a much nicer person. A classic case of cruel to be kind. I've also been on the other end of the deal, and put up with far too much abuse - so can speak with some authority on the subject.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
mandala499 From Indonesia, joined Aug 2001, 6409 posts, RR: 74 Reply 35, posted (2 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 1529 times:
Quoting falstaff (Reply 27): I wouldn't bother, it sounds like too much work for no real return on investment. Relationships are a two way street and if one person has to give too much the relationship will break.
I wouldn't bother... but it's his choice... and remember, I did put the number 1 option as....
Quoting mandala499 (Reply 21): 1. Dump her... you don't need her mierdoso problems taking over you.
When losing situational awareness, pray Cumulus Granitus isn't nearby !
SA7700 From South Africa, joined Dec 2003, 3125 posts, RR: 26 Reply 38, posted (2 months 2 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 1344 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW HEAD MODERATOR
Quoting AR385 (Thread starter): "What? Do you think I was busy being a whore with a customer? I was like "Where did that come from?" It all went down hill from there and I had my worst birthday ever , and that is no exageration.
I truly don't believe that you deserve to be treated like this, especially on your birthday. IMHO rather break it off now, while the relationship has not evolved into something deeper like marriage or even with a child being conceived. It is only going to get harder and harder.
Take care of yourself,
Hercules / SA7700
[Edited 2013-09-21 05:00:43]
When you are doing stuff that nobody has done before, there is no manual – Kevin McCloud
babybus From United Kingdom, joined Dec 2003, 3626 posts, RR: 5 Reply 40, posted (2 months 2 weeks 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 1286 times:
Relationships are like books. The more you read the more you see the story unfold.
It sounds like to me that you have just discovered this woman's real personality. We can all be nice and cuddly for a month or two when we meet someone new but sooner or later the real personality emerges.
I'd cut out as soon as poss as I don't think the ending to your book looks good. Bunny boiler comes to mind.
and with that..cabin crew, seats for landing please.
AR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 5493 posts, RR: 26 Reply 43, posted (2 months 2 weeks 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 1193 times:
Thank you everyone for your excellent advice and sharing of your stories. I also received a few PMs which have been very valuable and empathetic and I will respond to each of them.
I can´t really bash this woman now, after I´ve shared what I felt. It would not be fair. A few things to clear up a few comments I got.
1) How can I say I love her after just a few months?: I guess this got lost in transalation. I agree it´s difficult to develop such a strong feeling for someone you me so recently. What I meant was that at this point I really really liked her. But in Spanish, "like" falls short of what I wanted to describe. It seemed to me writing "love" would convey more accurately what I wanted to come across.
2) Yes, she has and does some great things that out of discretion I left out. You get the idea. And yes, those purely "physical" things probably contributed to my state of mind. I see that.
This week I talked to two mental health specialists and they both were in agreement. Of course, they never saw her, what they said was based on what I wrote and also on a few e-mails, and text messages I showed them. So their "diagnosis" might be off or can be disregarded. I have decided not to. What they said was that she is ill. Specifically I´m involved with someone with "Borderline Personality Disorder with degrees of Infantile Behavior" Our resident Doc had predicted that. They did not think this was an issue of Bipolar disorder or a more serious condition.
I won´t go into the details of the condition but I´m pretty familiar with it myself, having previously dealt with it in my other work and reading extensively about it. I don´t know how accurate Wiki might be in explaining it if anybody wishes to look it up.
The important thing to understand here is that what she does is not because she´s being difficult, has PMS, or even purposefully mean. She is just ill. She needs help.
Having that in mind, the question for me becomes wether I want to be involved with a person with such condition and support her wether she gets help or not. Do I love her that much? Is that what I want for me?
And the answer is no. Borderline Personality Disorder is very difficult for the people around the person, specially those that that person is closely involved with. As other mental conditions it can be very taxing and physically consuming. I don´t want that for my life, for a relationship or for having fun.
I hate the word dump. But unfortunately I have decided to end things and the sooner, the better. I just don´t know how to go about it yet. The diagnosis I was told changes things. It´s just not that I´m getting rid of someone who´s just mean and cruel. That would be easy.
I have a further appointment later today with one of this mental health specialists I mentioned to develop a strategy that would have the most chances of being the safest one for ending things both for me and her. People with this condition are unstable and unpredictive. At the same time, it is not my responsibility to go beyond that. I really feel sorry for her but I love myself a lot more than to continue in this situation that just won´t get any better. Three, 5, or 7 years down the road I don´t want to look back and see how much time I wasted. Again, things are not going to improve. The help she needs I cannot give.
A.net, as always, has come through again. I would like to reiterate my thanks for your posts on this very serious problem (at least for me) and for those PMs who gave me a lot of insight and support. It takes courage to share those stories. Thanks a lot to the mods too.
RyanairGuru From Australia, joined Oct 2006, 4053 posts, RR: 2 Reply 46, posted (2 months 2 weeks 4 days 4 hours ago) and read 1020 times:
Quoting AR385 (Reply 43): Having that in mind, the question for me becomes wether I want to be involved with a person with such condition and support her wether she gets help or not. Do I love her that much? Is that what I want for me?
And the answer is no
From personal experience (my sister, rather than a partner) I wish to support you with your decision. I remember the impact that my sister's experience had on me, and more concerningly on my parents. There were so many times when I just wanted her to die in hole. The emotional stress and anguish cannot be described, and it does start to take a physical toll.
When somebody is your kith and kin you can't run away, either physically (I'm not prepared to break ties with my family) or mentally (she is my sister, we have many happy memories of our childhood) but when you have only known them for four months then the depth of connection isn't as tight.
Personally, I would say that without that deep rooted connection then it is honestly not worth the effort. It could destroy you in the process.
Thank you for getting back to us on this, and I wish you all the very best.
Quoting seb146 (Reply 28): I am glad we are talking about this. For decades only women were cast as the victims in domestic abuse situations. For some reason, men were not allowed to be domestic abuse victims. Even if they did something about it, they felt some added sense of shame. Men can be abused, too.
Truer words have never been spoken. Traditionally "domestic abuse" was understood as physical violence, and it was believed that a man could physically overpower a women and therefore could not be abused. This was narrow sighted in the extreme. For a start I know women who are stronger than me (and am not ashamed to say it), but - more to the point - it totally ignored emotional abuse.