Ryanb741 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 3222 posts, RR: 15 Posted (12 years 6 months 3 days 18 hours ago) and read 945 times:
Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair
as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally
presented him with a son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and
said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting
to do anything by halves, his father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything
halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall
get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not
wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their
theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son,
you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I
would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Tottenham Hotspur
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
David_itl From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2001, 7546 posts, RR: 13
Reply 3, posted (12 years 6 months 3 days 16 hours ago) and read 923 times:
response not from David but my Spurs co-worker...
A young man walks into a sports shop and starts having a look around. AFter about twenty minutes of half hearted browsing, he shuffles slowly to the counter.
"Yes sir, how can I help?", asks the assistant.
"Er...I'd like...er...a packet of condoms please", mumbles the youth, blushing.
"Well I'm afraid this is a sports shop. You need the chemist down the road", replies the assistant, puzzled.
"Oh right", says the youth, and hurries off.
Ten minutes later, he's back again, even more red faced.
"Er...a packet of condoms please. and a copy of "Razzle" magazine."
The assistant shakes his head.
"I've told you, this is a sports shop - we don't sell those items".
"Oh right", mutters the youth, and hurries off again.
Ten minutes later, he's back yet again.
"Er...a packet of condoms, a copy of Razzle and a blow up doll please", he asks.
The assistant, who is now very irritated, decides to get tough.
"Look, I don't know who you are, or what your game is, but I've told you twice and I'm telling you again - this is a sports shop. Now either buy something or get out!"
The youth, looking apologetic, holds his hands up to the assistant.
"I'm so sorry", he confesses.
"I was just too embarrassed to ask for an Arsenal shirt".
Silverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (12 years 6 months 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 891 times:
a couple more to chuckle over
In all the fuss over Roy Keane's latest dive off the
deep end, haven't we forgotten someone?
The man who was on the receiving end of Keane's elbow
in Saturday's bad-tempered 1-1 draw at Sunderland? The
man who, quite brilliantly,responded to He Of The
Bulging Vein's on-field jibes by mimicking writing
them all down in a book? The man who, in the wake of
Keano's sacking from Ireland's World Cup camp,
revealed that the departed skipper had taken to gnomic
utterances like "fail to prepare; prepare to fail" and
"only dead fish go with the flow"?
We're talking about the man who said he'd rather read
a Bob The Builder book than Keane's autobiography. The
man who then joked that the Irish camp were planning a
whip-round to buy one copy of the tome "so we don't
make Roy any richer than he is already". And,
ironically, the man who replaced Keane as captain when
Ireland played last.
Step forward Jason McAteer* and these are among the
other highlights of your brilliant career so far.
1) After dumping Jase, former girlfriend Donna Air
told an interviewer, "I wouldn't date any more
footballers - they're not the brightest of people."
Which is saying something as Donna is famous for once
asking brother-and-sisters bodhran botherers The Corrs
how they met.
2) On spotting another famous face in a Dublin
nightclub, Jason decided to make the star feel welcome
by yelling out a catchphrase he would naturally
be familiar with. What snooker's Jimmy White made of
the sudden cry "One hundred and eighty!" is sadly not
3) Jason's nickname is Trigger, after the Only Fools
And Horses character ("If it's a girl, they're gonna
call it Rose, after Del's mum. And if it's a boy,
they're gonna call it Rodney, after Dave"). This
caused problems when he first arrived at Liverpool as
Rob Jones, then regarded as the least cerebral player
at Anfield, already owned the name. In recognition of
superior claim, however, McAteer was later christened
4) According to former Blackburn team-mates, Jason's
greatest moment came on a squad night out to an
Italian restaurant. Asked by the waitress whether he
wanted his pizza cut up into eighths, McAteer is
alleged to have replied, "Nah, I'm not that hungry *
just cut it into four."
5) In another possibly apocryphal (that means it might
be made up, Jason) story, McAteer is reckoned to have
asked a Liverpool team-mate what to put in the space
marked 'Position In Company' on a credit card
According to legend, the source of McAteer's confusion
was that "I'm a central midfielder but the boss is
playing me at right wing-back."
6) Jason is a keen gourmet. After Ireland qualified
for the second stage of the 1994 World Cup finals, he
spent the night eating Chicken McNuggets while sitting
on the bonnet of a stretch limousine in New York's
Times Square in the company of U2 bassist Adam
Clayton. Among his happiest memories of first club
Bolton are "getting out on my own and going down to
Tesco to buy my
favourite biscuits". Jason also believes Gerard
Houllier's biggest mistake at Liverpool has been
ordering the players to abandon their morning ritual
of eating toast before training.
7) Many cruel folk have suggested that Jason doesn't
know much at all. But according to the voiceover on
his bewildering 1998 Head And Shoulders advert, "Jason
knows he can have it all". In this case, "it all"
appeared to involve soaping himself homoerotically
with the well-known salve for the flaky-scalped.
L'Oreal hawker David Ginola was said to be "not losing
sleep" over our boy's performance.
8) Jason calls his best friend "a deep thinker* he
could easily be a news reporter". Jason's best friend
is Phil Babb.
9) Ireland's otherwise unremarkable World Cup warmup
match against Sanfreece Hiroshima was memorable for
two things: a dreadful late foul upon our hero by
Tulio and Jason's subsequent assessment of his injury,
picked up expertly by Sky's pitchside microphones for
broadcast to the watching millions back home: "My
knee's f***ed! My knee's f***ed!" Needless to say, it
10) Ireland team-mate Ian Harte says: "The other week
Jason gave a Ralph Lauren polo shirt to his mum to
wash and those shirts are longer at the back than at
the front. His mum didn't spot this until after she'd
washed it, thought she'd shrunk the front, and so cut
the back to make both sides equal. He says that's
where he gets his stupidity from."
It is the year 2018 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms
with Manchester United. He turns to his dad and asks, "What squad number
should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says.....
..........."Wear four out there Romeo" ! ! ! ! ! ! !