Ryanb741 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 3221 posts, RR: 16 Posted (10 years 11 months 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 783 times:
2 jokes for y'all.
Have a good weekend!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
> > when
> > his telephone rang.
> > "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
> > down
> > at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing
> > to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
> > "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
> > is
> > your army?"
> > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "There is
> > meself, me
> > cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
> > entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
> > Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
> > my
> > army waiting to move on my command."
> > "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
> > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
> > equipment!"
> > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
> > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
> > Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
> > 14,000
> > armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my
> > army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
> > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
> > Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still
> > on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
> > modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
> > cockpit,
> > and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
> > well!"
> > Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
> > tell
> > you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
> > planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
> > surface-to-air
> > missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
> > my army to TWO MILLION!"
> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
> > Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I
> > am
> > sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
> > "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
> > heart?"
> > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
> > and
> > decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old
lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets
enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it. He goes to her room on
the day and asks her how she likes it. She says "I used to
like it when a man went down on me". He says he would
love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes
back up and says, "I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells
rotten down there". She says "It must be my arthritis". He
looks at her and says,
"Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you
could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell". She says, "No,
my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass".
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
Lapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1534 posts, RR: 7 Reply 2, posted (10 years 11 months 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 770 times:
PART ONE ==
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper
The clerk does and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They
get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds
out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds, followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the
cliff, he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too
fockin' dangerous for me!"
== PART TWO ==
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He, too, has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff. Paddy watches as, halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows
the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
SPLAT, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting
== PART THREE ==
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a familiar 'peeper' bag.
But instead of a parrot, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself over the cliff, with the usual result.
Once more, Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me, Sean. First der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you, fockin'
Lapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1534 posts, RR: 7 Reply 4, posted (10 years 10 months 3 weeks 19 hours ago) and read 713 times:
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which
went almost unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.