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Friday Afternoon Humour  
User currently offlineRyanb741 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 3221 posts, RR: 16
Posted (11 years 6 months 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 954 times:

2 jokes for y'all.

Have a good weekend!  Smile


Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
> > when
> > his telephone rang.
> >
> > "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
> > down
> > at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing
> > to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
> >
> > "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
> > is
> > your army?"
> >
> > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "There is
> > meself, me
> > cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
> > entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
> >
> > Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
> > my
> > army waiting to move on my command."
> >
> > "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
> >
> > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
> > equipment!"
> >
> > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
> >
> > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
> >
> > Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
> > 14,000
> > armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my
> > army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
> >
> > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
> >
> > Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still
> > on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
> > modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
> > cockpit,
> > and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
> > well!"
> >
> > Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
> > tell
> > you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
> > planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
> > surface-to-air
> > missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
> > my army to TWO MILLION!"
> >
> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
> >
> > Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I
> > am
> > sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
> >
> > "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
> > heart?"
> >
> > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
> > and
> > decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."





An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old
lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets
enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it. He goes to her room on
the day and asks her how she likes it. She says "I used to
like it when a man went down on me". He says he would
love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes
back up and says, "I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells
rotten down there". She says "It must be my arthritis". He
looks at her and says,
"Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you
could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell". She says, "No,
my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass".



I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
8 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineKROC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (11 years 6 months 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 945 times:

I love the first joke. I had heard that awhile back, and still love it today.

The second one however, lol. I must say, with lunch time coming up, I can thank Ryanb741 for insuring that I won't be overeating, if eating at all!  Big grin


User currently offlineLapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1563 posts, RR: 7
Reply 2, posted (11 years 6 months 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 941 times:

PART ONE ==
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper
bag."

The clerk does and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They
get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds
out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds, followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the
cliff, he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too
fockin' dangerous for me!"

== PART TWO ==


A minute later, Seamus arrives. He, too, has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a
gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff. Paddy watches as, halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows
the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
SPLAT, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting
nider."


== PART THREE ==


A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a familiar 'peeper' bag.
But instead of a parrot, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself over the cliff, with the usual result.

Once more, Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me, Sean. First der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you, fockin'
hen gliding."


User currently offlineAWspicious From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (11 years 6 months 3 weeks 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 935 times:

OH MY GOD!!!!!
HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....
HAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
sick man... just sick!

 Laugh out loud


User currently offlineLapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1563 posts, RR: 7
Reply 4, posted (11 years 6 months 1 week 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 884 times:

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which
went almost unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.


User currently offlineGKirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24913 posts, RR: 56
Reply 5, posted (11 years 6 months 1 week 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 879 times:

ROFLMAO  Big thumbs up
Keep the jokes coming  Smile



When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
User currently offlineThom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11951 posts, RR: 47
Reply 6, posted (11 years 6 months 1 week 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 876 times:

Hehe good ones  Big thumbs up

Thom@s



"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
User currently offlineDelboy From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2001, 725 posts, RR: 0
Reply 7, posted (11 years 6 months 1 week 3 days 16 hours ago) and read 861 times:


Here you go, really go for 1,6,12,20 &23, you judge for yourself.



Subject: Things to say when stressed at work


1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!" (priceless)

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"

11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

24. "Earth is full. Go home."

25. "Oh, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."


User currently offlineKROC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (11 years 6 months 1 week 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 850 times:

Friday Humor...I thought for sure this would just be a cut and paste of Matt D's latest thread.

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