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Friday Fun Time  
User currently offlineSilverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Posted (11 years 7 months 6 days 19 hours ago) and read 839 times:

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering
what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the
store, $3000 a month and living expenses."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male/Female Definitions

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open, sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the boys.

BUTTOCKS
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, the plan for a devine human design was painstakingly
implemented. "The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in
her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, O Mighty One."

"Then we shall do the same for the woman."

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?"

"How many did we put in Adam?"

"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One."

"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to habe a little fun procreating,
didn't we? Do the same for woman."

"Yes, O Great Lord."

"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her
scream out my name..."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------The Pre Nuptial Agreement
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that..

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like
"So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat
that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship
is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I
will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak,
and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the
bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order
to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer
may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a
baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will
always love your weekend beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined
me for other men".
Section 6.01 I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of anything mechanical.
Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron,
washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage
can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------EMPLOYER TALK:
=============

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there
won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have
to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years
ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a
month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for
your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO which
has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund
your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live
with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will
bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't
drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV
and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each
weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own
time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of
layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is
just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it
to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure
out what they want and do it.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.




1 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineMls515 From United States of America, joined Jun 2000, 3076 posts, RR: 9
Reply 1, posted (11 years 7 months 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 808 times:



Funny! I especially liked the 'employer talk' set.


-mls515


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