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Mondays Jokes  
User currently offlineSilverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Posted (11 years 8 months 3 days 15 hours ago) and read 998 times:

There are a few toe curlers here today


King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing
him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is
this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out
wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping
aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down
and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a
lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled
all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an
informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was
either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power
to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.


Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil 'till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then
you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and
here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong
with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall
bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel
well.
That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular
as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells ?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells !"

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around !

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running ?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up !

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet !

Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know ?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window !

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it ?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties !

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that !

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction !

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
Well I can't believe that !

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy !

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing !

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there !

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker !

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all
about it !

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then !

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then !

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible
Which sister ?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I
bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo
Are you stringing me along !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire
Necks please!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone
Are you choking ?
No, I really did !

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do
?
Saw the legs off of your bed !

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair !

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about !

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way, your in my light !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more
comfortable then !

Doctor, Doctor, what happened to that poor boy who swallowed those
coins?
No change yet!!

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a goat.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a kid!

Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!

You'll just have to be a little patient!



Playing Golf in Ireland A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods.
Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer
took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal,
ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?" "Thank God,
you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything.
I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the
golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But
it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.
I'll give him three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money
he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits
another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year!
I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way,
it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that
fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?" "Why, I win fortunes in
golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100
bills all day long." "I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?" The
golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "Errr,
all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers,
"Once... sometimes twice a week." "What!" says the leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."




Old Finbar lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, Patrick, who used to help him, was
in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament:

Dear Patrick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me
potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them
feckin' BODIES!

Love, Patrick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local
police officers showed up and dug up the
entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding
any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love, Patrick







2 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineTbar220 From United States of America, joined Feb 2000, 7013 posts, RR: 26
Reply 1, posted (11 years 8 months 3 days 15 hours ago) and read 975 times:

LOL, good ones  Big thumbs up

Too many doctor doctor jokes though!! Arrgh



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User currently offlineGr325 From Netherlands, joined Jan 2002, 715 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (11 years 8 months 2 days 16 hours ago) and read 931 times:

Love that last jockes Big grin


"You should have gone to specsavers"
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