A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
George Bush can't differentiate between oral & anal.
He talks out if his arse and his mouth is full of sh*t!
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was betting on the horses, and had nearly lost his shirt when he
noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a
horse lining up for the fourth race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most
interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched
the priest step onto the track as the fifth race horses lined up, and placed
his blessing on the forehead of a horse. He made a beeline for the window
and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won
the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always
came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that
would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch
bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Dumbfounded, Mitch
made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What
happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race,
you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants
... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Crocodile go's in to see doc.
Crocodle: "Please please help me!The wifes gonna go off with another bloke!I
can't get an erection anymore!"
Doc:"Ah yes.Sounds like a case of ereptile disfunction!"
Maria, a catholic woman was extremely religious. When she was
married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth
control was going against God's will. She and her husband had
seventeen kids. Maria's husband got sick and passed away.
As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and married another
man. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious
beliefs. She and her second husband had fifteen kids. Again, Maria
lost her husband. Then, soon after her husband's death, Maria passed
away as well.
At the cemetery the priest looked down at the coffin, then looked up
at the sky and said, "They're finally together." This confused one of the
many family members at the service and after the ceremony he asked
"Father, back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're finally together', did
you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The father took a long look at him and said, "I was talking about her legs."
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the
venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they
know what it is - so does not tell them
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps
asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother to
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear
and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along,
he'd still be alive today!
Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of
hares, and a fish no one can find!!!