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Hospital Food Isnt Bad!  
User currently offlineSilverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 1042 times:

Having just got out from hospital after having a Heart attack (that was so small the ECG didnt even show it)

Here are the weekend jokes



For the Ladies:

1.. The nice men are ugly.
2.. The handsome men are not nice.
3.. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6.. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.
7.. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8.. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.
9.. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.
10.. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank goodness are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE!!!!
11.. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in
us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!




Here are the top five winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Labels
contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful
injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or
while mounting the craft."

On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental
drill."

On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead
to broken teeth."




The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the
last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


Why Did the chicken cross the road?

We asked several people for their reactions


GEORGE W.BUSH: U.S.PRESIDENT.
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX WEAPONS INSPECTOR.
We have no reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI IRAQ AMBASSADOR.

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do
not even have a chicken.

RALPH NADER U.S. CONSUMER ADVOCATE.
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.



PAT BUCHANAN RIGHT WING REPUBLICAN

To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.



RUSH LIMBAUGH U.S. ULTRA CONSERVATIVE RADIO PERSONALITY.

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a
government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing - the - road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax
dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.


MARTHA STEWART U.S MAGAZINE PUBLISHER & HOUSE & HOME GURU.

No-one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



JERRY FALWELL BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALIST.

Because the chicken was gay---isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what they call it, "the other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side".

DR SEUSS AUTHOR OF CHILDREN'S BOOKS.

Did the chicken cross the road ? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY AUTHOR

To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS TV INTERVIEWER.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON FORMER BEATLE.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHER.

It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.


KARL MARX POLITICAL PHILOSOPHER.

It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT.

What chicken?


CAPTAIN KIRK "STAR TREK" HERO.

To boldly go where no chicken has ever been before.


SIGMUND FREUD. PSYCHOLOGIST.

The fact that you are all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


ALBERT EINSTEIN PHYCISIST.

Did the chicken really cross the road, , or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT.
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

THE BIBLE.

And God came down from heaven, and He said unto the chicken "THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD"
And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

What, did I miss one?





FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set-up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't fucking think so.



Jesus and St. Peter were in the pub one night.

"I've got two new job offers, but I don't know which to choose", said Jesus
to St. Peter. "One is £100 a day in Bethlehem, the other is £500 per day in
Jerusalem".

"Well", said St. Peter, "the Jerusalem offer sounds a much better deal to
me, Lord".

"Yes", said Jesus, "but last time I was there ..."
>
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"... I got hammered with tax".







The Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruinin' her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley? "
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,
I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend
church for 3 months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"3 month's vacation and 5 good leads," says Tommy.




For the Ladies:



1.. The nice men are ugly.

2.. The handsome men are not nice.

3.. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4.. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5.. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6.. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.

7.. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8.. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.

9.. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10.. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank goodness are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE!!!!

11.. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in
us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?



Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with.



SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!




Here are the top five winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Labels
contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful
injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or
while mounting the craft."

On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental
drill."

On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead
to broken teeth."









Have a good weekend I bloody well will!!!!

5 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineAWspicious From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 1031 times:

Dude! I hope you're alright, man. Thanks for the jokes  Big thumbs up

aw


User currently offlineSilverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 1005 times:

Aw,
Thanks for the thought,it is appreciated.
My thoughts are with a friend in Florida who lost her guy with one at Easter.
I cant let her know about me,as i think it would bring it all back.
Jack was a nice chap.
More jokes as they come.


User currently offlineThumper From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 550 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 954 times:

Glad to see you back.Been looking for your jokes Stay well!

User currently offlineLubcha132 From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2776 posts, RR: 7
Reply 4, posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 948 times:

wow! glad you caught the heart attack in time!

i like the aunt karen one  Big thumbs up


User currently offlineSilverfox From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 1058 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (11 years 7 months 2 weeks 5 hours ago) and read 936 times:

Thumper and Lubcha,
Nice of you to take the time for the comments,
When i get more they will be on here

Off to Oxford this morning to collect an engine for my sons car
Wow escaping into fresh air!!


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