I got shafted yesterday (by proxy I might add) so try these:
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Mystified, she asks: "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers: " Well, it's like this: yesterday, when she went by the store I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, on account of, she says, it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she...."
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'