Got this in an e-mail.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les
Dawson)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to
be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.(W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principles. If you don't like them...I have others. (Groucho Marx)