Sophiemaltese From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2064 posts, RR: 4 Posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3166 times:
If you looked like me, petite girl with long blondish hair, dresses cute/sometimes a little freaky when I go out, would you be offended if your boyfriend was always saying how he has a "thing" or a "fetish" for girls with "hawkish looking noses" and "jewish looking features" (neither of which I have) who were "goth girls" and who had short dark hair. Basically, these are all the things I'm NOT. The closest I come is being a goth girl when I go out, but even still that's a stretch. So basically this guy treats me well, doesn't lie, cheat, seems to care about me otherwise, but I always get to hear about how he likes short hair and hawkish features and goth girls, etc. It's not like he doesn't say I'm cute though. So if you were in my situation (or say a guy in a similar situation with a girl saying she had a thing for all these things you're not) would that bother you? I'm just wondering if I'm being petty and should look at the big picture that he obviously cares about me (I'm only the second girl he's let to get close to his son) or is this a majorly offensive thing? Or is he just doing something that men sometimes tend to do, not realizing how something hurts a woman's feelings? I keep getting bugged by it even though he'll tell me not to take it personally. I really do love him (this is rare for me).
Matt D From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 9502 posts, RR: 53 Reply 1, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3137 times:
Well like you said, you have to look at the big picture and decide what's most important. If he's otherwise a nice guy, and you have a mutual liking and attraction for each other, then why not?
As an example, the girl I'm seeing now, she's certainly not Playboy Centerfold material. Also, she can be a little airheaded at times.
5 and 10 years ago, I wouldn't dream of dating someone like that.
But as I get older, I appreciate some of the less superficial and more enduring things she has to offer: she's low maintennance. She IS cute. She's honest and loyal. She never has a 'headache'. She appreciates my sometimes warped sense of humor. She understands that I sometimes prefer to be alone. And her and I DO get along.
So what matters more? Eye candy or someone that will be stable and loyal?
On the other hand, if a 'fetish' is something that really, REALLY turns you off now, then it will only be more irritating later. Plus, no mater what you say or do, as long as your man has eyes, they WILL be darting around.
Also keep in mind [like you already alluded to] that most [straight] men don't spend a whole lot of time contemplating their innermost feelings. While you ladies are wondering about 'feeling' and 'sensitivity' issues, guys are drinking beers and blowing stuff up.
I guess the only other suggestion I can offer you is to simply level with the guy. If it bothers you, just tell him. If he really likes and respects you, he'll back off.
Mika From Sweden, joined Jul 2000, 2780 posts, RR: 4 Reply 2, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3137 times:
I think i would be offended by it yes. I think he's either doing it because:
1. He would like you to change yourself to more closely match his preferences of a girl. Like short dark hair etc. (Obviously you can't change certain things like your nose but anyways).
2. He's just being clumsy and not thinking about what he's actually saying. I believe this is the case with your guy. Just tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he says things like that and he'll change if he's a man worth keeping.
Aloha717200 From United States of America, joined Aug 2003, 4330 posts, RR: 18 Reply 4, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3137 times:
Also keep in mind [like you already alluded to] that most [straight] men don't spend a whole lot of time contemplating their innermost feelings. While you ladies are wondering about 'feeling' and 'sensitivity' issues, guys are drinking beers and blowing stuff up.
Ohhh, I wouldn't say all [straight] men are that way. Some of us do prefer to contemplate feelings (though not on the same level, it's a bit different than women).
Anyway, I'm afraid I might be lacking enough life experience to truly contribute to this, but based on what I've gone through so far in terms of dating and love, I always did find it a little hurtful when a current girlfriend would speak of features she liked in other guys. You know she likes you but it still makes you feel rotten that she is looking at someone else and being somewhat more attracted to them.
But of course I'm just out of high school, I sure things are different for you guys. But I always took every relationship seriously, never dated anyone I didn't truly, honestly, love and care about.
KROC From United States of America, joined May 2000, 19737 posts, RR: 82 Reply 5, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3112 times:
I wouldn't be offended, because with "fetishes" like this, for the most part it is just a 'look' the individual likes, or something that gets them going, but not something they need. I like the goth look on a chick, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to date a blue eyed blond chick etc. Personally I wouldn't worry about it, unless there is an actual reason too. People worry to much. Just enjoy things because chances are it isn't worth worrying about at all.
"Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again"
LHMark From United States of America, joined Jan 2000, 7255 posts, RR: 53 Reply 6, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 3091 times:
As someone who routinely performs in goth/industrial clubs, I know the goth look can really start my motor.
That said, my girlfriend doesn't do the goth thing at all. Still, She knows I have a thing for goth chicks, but a bigger thing for her.
Sophie, your guy is probably just taking your security in the relationship for granted. I'd tell him that it bugs you a little when he mentions this stuff, and maybe he'll ease up.
If you like hanging out with insensitive people, next time you come to Webster, KROC and I can take you to the local goth club
"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
Sophiemaltese From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2064 posts, RR: 4 Reply 7, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 3061 times:
Well thanks for the advice and wisdom. It's nice to hear what guys have to say on this issue. Eventually (unless he stops which I doubt) I'm going to find the right moment to tell him something. I understand he'll look at other women. I have no problem with that. It's just the whole specific type of girl. What is funny is his ex before me that he was with for several years wasn't really gothy looking and had long hair. She ended up cutting it and he was seeming to wonder why and I'm like maybe because you said you liked short hair? I honestly don't think I'd look good with short hair and like it long, so that is not changing. As far as the whole goth thing, goth girls are cute. I like going to goth clubs and the music. But after a while you grow up and get a life (well some of us anyway.) I looked like a "goth chick" before they had the word goth and grew out of it.
The other day he was on the phone with me and said something about how some porno site he saw had funky girls on it and they weren't that pretty and that even me, if I sent my picture to the webmaster I'd be one of the hottest girls on there. then he realized right after he said that that it was a pretty insulting thing to say that EVEN ME would look hot compared to the girls on there. He corrected himself and I just went "whatever" in a real sarcastic tone of voice.
In all honestly, a few years ago, I wouldn't have dated him and he wouldn't have dated me. Shoot, I used to have a sugar daddy and a doctor thing but I grew out of it really fast after dating a few of them and realizing that wasn't what was important.
I guess only time will tell whether this is a serious problem or not.
CanyonBlue From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 9, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 3048 times:
There's nothing wrong with a fetish. Everyone has them, and if someone's says they don't there lying. As long as he isn't being unfaithful I don't see any harm
AWspicious From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 10, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 3036 times:
Guys speak without thinking. Gals think without speaking. Find a comfortable medium, or, forget about it ...because you'll always be bugged out as long as the relationship lasts. Once you're miserable, he will be, too. How the rest of the story goes is obvious. So... Deal, or don't play.
LHMark From United States of America, joined Jan 2000, 7255 posts, RR: 53 Reply 11, posted (8 years 8 months 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 3002 times:
CanyonBlue...I am talking about Vertex. My Keyboard player is the Saturday night DJ.
I love the goth music, but I've never been able to seriously dive into the pageantry. Still a goth chick in a PVC corset and fishnets...I could be had. (Don't tell the GF)
"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
Seb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 8606 posts, RR: 19 Reply 12, posted (8 years 8 months 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 2947 times:
Hi Sophie!
When the male genetals get involved, all brain power is disconnected. This happend a few times with one guy I am seeing. He is really into the 'A&F' type guys but he ends up with me. If your guy really cares for you, he knows (once brain power is restored) the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
PS: you cheating on Mr. Squirel?
GO CANUCKS!!
Wheel of morality turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn
EA CO AS From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 11863 posts, RR: 67 Reply 13, posted (8 years 8 months 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 2909 times:
Hi Sophie,
I guess it all comes down to the degree at which he mentions his preferences. Men and women all do the same things with their significant others; they like to "fine tune" them a bit, attempting to put some minor tweaks in that make the "95% perfect for me" person into the "100% perfect for me" person.
Now we've all done this at one time...suggested different clothing styles that may be more flattering or attractive, different hairstyles or colors, different cologne or perfume, different jewelry, etc.
The point is that these are relatively minor things; things that do NOT fundamentally change who the person is. When someone starts asking you to make profound, fundamental changes, THAT is when you may want to start looking elsewhere.
So, as dumb as this may sound...don't let it bother you unless it REALLY, REALLY bothers you, and you're willing to cut the guy loose over it.
"In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem - government IS the problem." - Ronald Reagan
Sophiemaltese From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2064 posts, RR: 4 Reply 15, posted (8 years 8 months 1 day ago) and read 2812 times:
Yep, you found me out, I'm cheating on the squirrel.
and he is a very caring guy, a truly decent one. I haven't heard him mention it again actually. I think sometimes we find people who aren't our "type" and realize that maybe they are. That's what I did with him I guess and he with me maybe....now if I could just get him to not be a slob! Relationships are a lot of work and sort of freak me out I guess.
Artsyman From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 4740 posts, RR: 53 Reply 16, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 20 hours ago) and read 2737 times:
One of the things that often happens to me is that I crave what I don't have. If I am with a long haired blond, I crave a short haired brunette. I think it is part of my commitment phobia, as once I get phobic, all I see is the things in my partner that I don't like, and basically every other woman that is walking down the street towards me (regardless of whether they are sexy or not) all I see is their best quality, and the one I am with...well all I see is their worst quality...
That said, I have been with the same person for three years, but I remain pathetic
Superfly From Thailand, joined May 2000, 36428 posts, RR: 87 Reply 17, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 6 hours ago) and read 2700 times:
Sophiemaltese:
I am with Greg on this one.
Yes the guy might be nice to you but lacks class.
I've been out with girls that I wasn't attracted to and I would NEVER say what I really like. I just never called them back.
Is this guy under 20 years old?
This guy sounds immature and a bit childish.
We all have are desires and fetishes. I would only share that with a girl that meets those standards.
Don't cut your hair, change style or nose. The pictures you send me of you are hot and sexy. If he can't appreciate a girl with your looks, he is either gay or just killing time with you until he gets his gothic short-haired Jewish chick.
Keep looking and maybe you might get a man as great as me. Too bad they all can't be like Superfly.
KROC From United States of America, joined May 2000, 19737 posts, RR: 82 Reply 18, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 3 hours ago) and read 2681 times:
Too bad they all can't be like Superfly.
"Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again"
Lehpron From United States of America, joined Jul 2001, 7028 posts, RR: 25 Reply 19, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 3 hours ago) and read 2681 times:
"Too bad they all can't be like Superfly."
Damn, you're an egotist, what shallow puta would date you?
The meaning of life is curiosity; we were put on this planet to explore opportunities.
NormalSpeed From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 20, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 3 hours ago) and read 2673 times:
"Yes the guy might be nice to you but lacks class."
Amen! I'm with Superfly on this one. Sophie, a guy who can't accept you for who you are is simply not worth your time.
Nevermind that this guy has no idea how to deal with women (not that I do either.) If the girl you are dating has a different hair color than your favorite, you don't tell her about it! That's just dumb!
The girl that I'm dating now, and love dearly, happens to be tall (actually, she's an inch shorter than I am--no one has to hurt their neck to kiss goodnight), thin, and dark-haired. My current (and hopefully permanent) favorite features are tall, thin, and dark-haired.
She also has green eyes. I LOVE green eyes. Get the point?
Ybacpa From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 1108 posts, RR: 1 Reply 21, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 2661 times:
Sophiemaltese,
Everyone has their quirks. Personally, if my girlfriend (if I had one) had those quirks, I'd be happy that I actually had a girlfriend, but they'd probably annoy me to no end. Next time he brings it up, try asking him outright "Why do you think I'm A, B, and C?"
Just my $.02,
yb
SkyTeam: The alliance for third rate airlines finally getting their act together!
Covert From Ghana, joined Oct 2001, 1423 posts, RR: 2 Reply 22, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 2660 times:
I had a couple of girlfriends and they used to make comments about how I'm not their usual guy they date, they like tall guys (I'm 5'5") and so forth. Well it gets kind of boring being put down in not as many words and constanly discussing physical appearance and the rest. I mean if you are seeing somebody, why sweat it and push it to other directions by making negative comments? Assuming you have reached the dating stage you are both comfortable with each other in the whole sense. It just is useless to me. If that guy talks so much about you looking different than the chicks he likes, then he is not past the comfort stage with you and if he ain't satisfied enough to shut up about you yet then when will he?
Sophiemaltese From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2064 posts, RR: 4 Reply 23, posted (8 years 7 months 3 weeks 23 hours ago) and read 2629 times:
I still haven't had an opportunity to tell him it bothers me because I haven't heard it for a while. (of course I go griping and don't hear it now). He really is a good guy. I've dated enough losers to know. He even told me today he loves big pretty eyes and that is what I've got. He's always telling me how happy he is to have me. He treats me wonderfully. I've got a lot of things about him I don't like but I take the whole package and don't focus on them nor do I point out things about him that aren't "my type." I used to have a type and now I don't really anymore. Who knows, this relationship could go to shit or it could last forever. I do know he's too good of a catch in too many ways just to let go. And whoever asked his age, he's 30. He does act like a child a lot of times, but then again, he is a man!
Superfly From Thailand, joined May 2000, 36428 posts, RR: 87 Reply 24, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 2573 times:
Sophiemaltese:
I wish I could spread myself more.
He even told me today he loves big pretty eyes and that is what I've got.
That's all he's noticed?
What about that nice big a.. you sit on?
Well I am glad that there are hot women out there that are willing to cut guys some slack.
I know of a guy up in Chicago who's in to airplanes that would totally dig you.
Bring back the Concorde
25 Sccutler: ...and I know a guy in Dallas who's into airplanes who already totally digs you! But any guy who compares you to other women in anything other than a
26 Sophiemaltese: I'm not used to this whole committed relationship thing. I never get that far so I'm not sure at what point the differences people have is a problem?
27 AWspicious: It's not surprising to me that he hasn't brought it up again. After all, these posts are free for everyone to read. And I mean EVERYONE... including t
28 Superfly: AWspicious: However, it seems he's cleverly reeled in his tongue..... That can't be a good thing for Sophie. Sophiemaltese: And Superfly, he says he
29 EA CO AS: Clearly, he's no dummy. Or perhaps he reads the Airliners.net non-aviation message boards...
30 LHMark: I used to only date men if they made over $100K/year and had a professional job. I wouldn't have been caught dead with him five years ago. Jeez, Soph
31 Sophiemaltese: I doubt he read this message board. He's about as interested in airplanes as I am in football. and yeah LHMark, I used to be a pretty shallow bitch wh
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