Srbmod From United States of America, joined Mar 2001, 16888 posts, RR: 51 Posted (9 years 5 months 1 week 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1234 times:
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted
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Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
ElectraBob From United States of America, joined Sep 2003, 931 posts, RR: 4 Reply 1, posted (9 years 5 months 1 week 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 1201 times:
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall one day.
"Mommy," says little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you are grown up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind," answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand some day."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it right now."
A few days later, little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems...."All you have to do is get your mother's drivers license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while Mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35."
The mother is very surprised. "And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked.
"And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumbfounded asked, "Why?"
"It is because you got an F in sex."
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the doorbell and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asked Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife.
"Well, you mind if I wait?" asked Ned. "No, come on in," responded the wife.
They sit down and Ned says, "You know, Sue, you appear to have the most incredible breasts....I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell--a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Ned says..."I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your wierd friend Ned came over." Boris thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
A blonde walks into an auto shop. "May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, I'm looking for a 710 cap for my car."
"A 710 cap? Never heard of it.....I'm afraid those don't exist."
"Sure they do.....there is one right on my engine."
The man is getting puzzled..."Um...how about if you draw it out for me..."
"OK" said the blonde. She gets a piece of paper from the man and draws out the cap....she draws a circle and then writes "710" in the center of it and hands it to the man. The man looks at it for awhile.
"I know what this is...." He takes the piece of paper and turns it upside down so that the "710" cap reads "0IL."
"I've got plenty of those..."
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.....
LoneStarMike From United States of America, joined Jul 2000, 3644 posts, RR: 38 Reply 3, posted (9 years 5 months 6 days 15 hours ago) and read 1133 times:
A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp"
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"