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The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.  
User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 4655 times:

Somebody sent me this be email, it may have done the rounds already, but I nearly fell off my chair laughing - enjoy.


"TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF"
 
(If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!   *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.  It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
 
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
 
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
 
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
 
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
 
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
 
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
 
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
 

16 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineGKirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24913 posts, RR: 56
Reply 1, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 21 hours ago) and read 4635 times:

ROFLMAO  Big thumbs up  Laugh out loud

"I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics."
 Laugh out loud



When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
User currently offlineMYT332 From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 9112 posts, RR: 70
Reply 2, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4608 times:

Funny thing is Gkirk wasn't quoting anyone then, he was just telling us about his Saturday nights.  Laugh out loud


One Life, Live it.
User currently offlineTom in NO From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 7194 posts, RR: 33
Reply 3, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4604 times:

Hilarious!!!

Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?


Reminds me of the commercial some time ago where there's a samll group in a restaurant, and one gets the chili. He promptly requires about a gallon of water, to which the waitress comments, "wow, and that was the mild chili."

Tom at MSY



"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
User currently offlineDfwRevolution From United States of America, joined Jan 2010, 962 posts, RR: 51
Reply 4, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4597 times:

There's a beer commercial where this dude and his girlfriend are at some chili house in Lousiana that's famous for its spicy chili. The man orders the hottest chili and the waiter promtly suggest the milder flavor. The man insist and his girlfriend rolls her eyes. Their food arrives, the guy digs in. He takes one bite then starts screaming and crying and rolling on the floor. The girlfriend turns to the waiter and says "that was the mild wasn't it," and the waiter replies "yup."

User currently offlineB757300 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 4114 posts, RR: 23
Reply 5, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4593 times:

Always good for a laugh.


"There is no victory at bargain basement prices."
User currently offlineTom in NO From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 7194 posts, RR: 33
Reply 6, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4584 times:

Dfwrev, that's the one (thanks for clearing up my very vague recollection)!!!

Tom at MSY



"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
User currently offlinePhotoLPPT From Portugal, joined Jul 2004, 511 posts, RR: 2
Reply 7, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 4566 times:

I've tasted spicy chilly before, but this one is a killer  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

Excelent post, JGPH1A, made me laugh through out my boring afternoon of work!

regards
Luis


User currently offlineSlider From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 6787 posts, RR: 34
Reply 8, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 4547 times:

Great post!! *LOL*

Seriously though, did anyone else hear about the guy who won one of the bigger national chili contests by taking a little bit from each of the contestants, put it all together and won!?  Smile


User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21416 posts, RR: 54
Reply 9, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 15 hours ago) and read 4532 times:

That brings back memories of that infamous weapon-grade "bamboo salad" (or at least that was its menu camouflage) that a friend of mine once ordered in a thai restaurant...

He was usually quite fire-proof, but that monstrosity did him in. We all tasted - very, very cautiously - and finally determined that it was indeed unfit for human consumption. It had looked quite innocent, at first...  Acting devilish


User currently offlineSWA TPA From United States of America, joined Aug 2001, 1559 posts, RR: 34
Reply 10, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 15 hours ago) and read 4529 times:

LOL ROFLMAO!!!!

"Need to wipe my ass with a snowcone" That about killed me! Havent we all been down that road!

SWA TPA



I believe I can fly.....
User currently offlineVaporlock From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 4467 times:

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs!! Big grin

SWA TPA, how are ya??? And yes.. I couldn't agree with you more!!!  Big thumbs up

Phyllis  Wink/being sarcastic


User currently offlineStevenUhl777 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 4445 times:

Classic.... Big grin

All Americans love our brothers and sisters from the east coast...hence the warm invitation them Texans gave this guy to be an honorable judge...



User currently offlineL-188 From United States of America, joined Jul 1999, 29791 posts, RR: 58
Reply 13, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 4441 times:

Good thing none of the contestants used Guatamaulan insanity peppers  Laugh out loud


OBAMA-WORST PRESIDENT EVER....Even SKOORB would be better.
User currently offlineKiwiNanday From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 4441 times:

I'm needed to check the front of my pants for wetspots after reading this... my God that was hilarious!

Why do they call it chili if its hot?


User currently offlineCanadianNorth From Canada, joined Aug 2002, 3389 posts, RR: 9
Reply 15, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 4428 times:

Sounds like my chipdip... That chipdip is good but its strong stuff.


CanadianNorth



What could possibly go wrong?
User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 16, posted (9 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 4408 times:

Re: Good thing none of the contestants used Guatamaulan insanity peppers

Grown by the inmates of an insane asylum off the coast of Guatemala...

Hehe - the Simpsons, world and mirror of worlds ! Homer Simpson is a GOD.


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