Redngold From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 6907 posts, RR: 45 Posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 972 times:
OK, this might look like a self-gloss because I'm going to ask for some pats on the back...
Because right now it's more like self-flagellation. I got a whole bunch of crap going on in my head.
I just got some really unhappy news: 1) it looks like I've lost eligibility for financial aid in the nursing school, just as I'm being faced by 2) major medical bills because I have cervical spondylosis.
Cervical spondylosis is the technical term for bone spurs in the beck region of the spine. Or something else putting pressure on my spinal cord in that area. I've had symptoms since I was in college, and they worsened to the point that I finally went to the doctor.
In a way getting diagnosed with this is a relief because I was beating up on myself for being so lazy (I felt like I couldn't walk up stairs or walk very well after getting up in the morning, but I thought it was just in my head.) That weakness comes from impaired transmission in my cord. Also, it explains why I've had bouts with unexplained severe pain accompanied by numbness (! yes, it can happen!) in my hands and feet, and been waking up with my pinky and ring fingers all curled up in my hand. And a couple of years ago, one of my best friends got a rude acquaintance with another symptom - hyperreflexia. She touched my arm from behind me and I hit her so hard she had a fist-sized bruise on her arm for two weeks. I beat up on myself for years for that, because she never treated me the same afterwards.
Anyway, I also got a few people calling me a bitter, closed-minded, selfish person... and even using my honesty about having OCD, they accuse me of being psychotic and angry. Yet when I come here, the most diverse board on which I participate, y'all seem to be the most accepting! I keep trying to remind myself that it's my family and friends who count the most, and I should be able to let things slide off my back, but this on-line world can go bad in an instant, to a horrifying degree. When did I start to seek my own self-worth through the approval of others?
Now I'm contradicting myself. Anyway, if you have any insight, post it here.
Vaporlock From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 960 times:
Redngold, don't be so hard on yourself!!! Your a great person and yes although your facing a couple of things right now that are very very stressful, just take a step back and try and gather yourself together!! I know you can do it....
You are by no means a bitter, close-minded, selfish person....and as far as being psychotic and angry....well that is just not true!!! You have a lot of friends and yes, your family is there for you so just try and make the best of what is going on right now....THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!
When I get down and feel worthless, I always remember.....it could be worse!!!
So keep your chin up and try and think of things that make you happy!! No matter what....your a fighter and I know you'll keep on doing all the good things you do!!!
BN747 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 5613 posts, RR: 51
Reply 2, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 950 times:
I know we haven't seen eye-to-eye on much... but your denial of the condition allowed neglect to set in. And now that neglect has become a costly problem that can only get worse. Good thing you've now decided to get to the bottom of it... medically. Once that's solved, that's gonna be a great amount of pressure off you (and your spine). In the interim, attempt to build your self esteem to a point where 'it's great to have 'friends' on A.net... but not a necessity! There are some really super cool people here, there are so some incredibly smart participants as well.. but there are a shitload of morons who are here under many different names and play absurd chat games. If you become dependent on this (and them) and the mentality that enjoy's toying with others... you are now neglecting yourself again in that you're letting some classless clowns screw with your head. Don't allow any anonymous jerk(s) to have that kind of power over you, your worth here, is as equal if not greater than those you seek approval of. Believe in yourself...because if the chips are ever down..that's all you're going to have to count on...not some shadow from A.net or any other chat/forum board. Good luck, hang in there..and toughen it up, you've probably been thru worse at some time in your life...and made it thru that...you can do it again!
[Edited 2004-08-25 05:36:09]
"Home of the Brave, made by the Slaves..Land of the Free, if you look like me.." T. Jefferson
PROSA From United States of America, joined Oct 2001, 5627 posts, RR: 5
Reply 3, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 937 times:
Well, now that you know what the problem is, you can work on getting it treated. I don't know what treatments are available, but there's probably something that'll help.
The fact that some people called you bitter, close-minded, etc. .... my advice is to ignore them to the best of your ability. There'll always be some people who don't like you. Try not to let it get you down.
"Let me think about it" = the coward's way of saying "no"
Klaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21388 posts, RR: 54
Reply 4, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 924 times:
I can´t offer you more than a few words and thoughts, but sometimes that can still help a little.
What I keep myself reminding of when things are getting tough (even if not as tough as your predicament, yet) is this: We often doubt ourselves when we feel "too good to be true", but we doubt much less when we feel like crap. In reality, there are negative illusions just as much as positive ones. And illusions can be recognized and dissolved.
I certainly won´t belittle your very real difficulties or the pain. But there´s still more than that, and it´s still good and meaningful despite the problems.
I´ve got pretty different ideas of spiritual things in many respects - but the essentials aren´t that far apart: Everybody matters, and nobody is irrelevant.
Everybody who puts his or her weight behind the idea that doing the right thing matters makes this place a little brighter. And if any of the other philosophical ideas may match or not is strictly secondary to that as far as I´m concerned.
Don´t lose faith in yourself and don´t lose track of the bright things in life and in other people. They´re still everywhere!
EmiratesA345 From Canada, joined Jun 2003, 2123 posts, RR: 9
Reply 5, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 921 times:
"Yet when I come here, the most diverse board on which I participate, y'all seem to be the most accepting!"
I disagree with this statement. Although the majority of people here are very friendly, decent people even though we all disagree with each other on certain issues, there are others who are not.
There are those here who don't accept that people have disabilities and issues that are beyond the individuals control. I speak of those who seem to have a problem with certain hearing impaired and possibly mentally challenged individuals.
Therefore... I would reword that statement a little.
Oh and BTW, good luck with what you're going through... hopefully it'll all work out ok.
Ctbarnes From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 3491 posts, RR: 50
Reply 6, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 1 hour ago) and read 876 times:
I'm going to ask for some pats on the back...
Seems like a hug would be more effective...
In any case, you've just passed the first test of being a nurse. They make the WORST patients. Still, take a deep breath and contact the financial aid people. Usually something can be worked out.
If you're measuring your self-worth by comparing yourself with others, you're in good company. It's not the best thing in the world, but we all do it to some degree. Trust me, it doesn't make you bitter, angry, selfish, etc. etc. Depression happens to everyone at one time or another. Life can gang up on you, bad things happen in bunches, and it can seem as if even God is out to get you. Trust me, he isn't. Prayer, talking to the cats, even getting REALLY mad at God are all things that can help. Most importantly, you don't have to face things alone.
Prayers for you,
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
Trickijedi From United States of America, joined May 2001, 3266 posts, RR: 5
Reply 7, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days ago) and read 861 times:
Regarding your spondylosis, I'm presuming that you've already tried this but will ask anyway... have you by chance gone to a chiropractor for treatment?
The reason I ask is because I also have it. In addition, I also have a compressed nerve on my L5 vertebrae, a desiccated disc (also L5) and a slight case of scoliosis. Short of surgery and heavy doses of drugs, I've tried anything and everything to alleviate the pain which I feel every single day since I was a teen. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that I literally have to crawl on my knees to get to the phone when someone calls. Getting in and out of my car can also be a pain. Granted it only ever gets that bad only once in a while but just the thought of having gone through something like that or knowing that I possibly may go through it again is unnerving.
I've been seeing a chiro for treatment lately (my 3rd chiro in 7 years) and after having an EMS (performed by a neurologist where they electrocute the shit out of you) done on me twice to attempt to determine the root cause of the problem(s), my chiro has been able to zone in more on certain parts of my spine to correct the problem and temporary alleviate pain. I've been on acupuncture therapy for a number of months now and that seems to help a bit, although temporary. Currently I've been simply resorting to these band-aid approaches because I refuse to go under the knife and risk further damage.
Yes, spondylosis is scary and sometimes gets in the way of day-to-day life but it is treatable provided you go through the proper channels and explore all of your options. You really shouldn't have to drop all sorts of cash for it either. My health insurance took care of most of my tests as well as previous physical therapy sessions and current chiro visits.
Don't get down about it. Just take it easy on your back when you can and nurse it as often as possible. I still try to do as much as I can in terms of exercising and ocassionally working out the muscles around my lower back. It's also good for relieving overall stress.
Another thing I've discovered is that having peace of mind also helps. Well, I guess thats good to have overall anyway. I know this will sound weird but inner peace is good therapy for outside ailments. Back pain of course being no exception.
I hope you find proper help for it. I know what you're going through.
Its better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than be in the air wishing you were on the ground. Fly safe!
Redngold From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 6907 posts, RR: 45
Reply 8, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 788 times:
I was just really tired and down last night. I had a good talk with my counselor today (funny, I had an appointment right when I needed it!) I've got the MRI scheduled now, next Friday, and late this morning I got a call from the academic services counselor who is going to help me file a financial aid appeal. Plus my Mom called me early this morning and told me she's sending me some stuff I really needed, because she was thinking about how she could help me right now. Good things happened because I was honest about my situation and pursued the right avenues.
Phyllis - you've always got encouragement for me, how did I know you were going to be the first responder? Thank you!
Fr. Barnes - Y'know, since I've been a Christian I've always told people that it's better to be honest with themselves and God - even if it means getting into a screaming match during a prayer - than to hold it all inside. It's funny that sometimes I forget my own advice.
BN - as for neglect, well, I suppose I'm somewhat guilty of that, but less because I didn't think I have a problem than I seriously did think it was all in my head. I was told so many times by my family that I overexaggerate my physical problems that I guess I believed them. It was my new primary care physician who said she thought the more serious problem wasn't my headaches but my difficulty walking in the morning. Luckily, I seem to have caught this early, since I still have almost normal function. Plus, I am in the "underinsured" category because of my low income. I really needed that financial aid if I was going to continue taking classes, so in consideration of the upcoming medical bills, I guess it's good I'm not spending my money elsewhere. I'll have to pay a deductible plus 20% of the accepted charge. For an MRI that's going to be a chunk of change.
Klaus - you're right about the negative illusions thing. I guess in my quest to get acceptance from as many people as possible, I dwell on the people who probably aren't even worth it. My Dad says it's like I keep playing a tape over and over in my head, thinking the story's going to change eventually. Well, I gotta just let go of those people who don't know me in person, who turn on me like that. I can't be perfect anyway.
Tricki - Chiropractic treatment is an option, but I find myself at odds with much of chiropractic philosophy. I would probably try a D.O. for osteopathic manipulative therapy first. Until I have the MRI, I won't even know what kind of treatment is necessary. But I have started some self-treatment already -- poor man's traction (lying with my head back over the edge of the bed for ten minutes at bedtime) and using a bed wedge to prevent swelling at night. Plus this has motivated me to get back into an exercise regimen that will help me use what I've got. And yes, I know all about physical pain from mental stress -- I used to have terrible pain all over my body when I had panic attacks. When I started getting treatment for my anxiety, the pains went away, although I still have the occasional panic attack. Of course being a librarian I immediately started to research the condition and read on one site that although spondylosis is progressive, it usually doesn't deteriorate quickly or leave people wheelchair-bound. That was comforting!
Klaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21388 posts, RR: 54
Reply 9, posted (9 years 10 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 757 times:
Redngold: you're right about the negative illusions thing.
One thing that can help is to notice the point when they´re getting ridiculous - like a bad actor playing his role much to melodramatically. When they´ve reached that point, it´s time to give them a healthy kick in their imaginary behind. A sense of humour generally irritates the hell out of them...
Redngold: Well, I gotta just let go of those people who don't know me in person, who turn on me like that. I can't be perfect anyway.
Human "perfection" lacks a proper definition anyway. I like to quote a japanese proverb about that: Nothing can be called really perfect if it doesn´t have some small imperfection in it!
As for people and opinions, we always see only a part of another person anyway, no matter how long or how good we think we know somebody. If somebody´s acting aggressively towards you it may be that it´s merely directed at something you said, but not actually at you. In the net, this is even the main modus operandi for bitter fights.
I make a strong distinction between myself and my opinions and statements anyway, so there´s relatively little that could hurt me personally in here. On the other hand, I don´t hesitate to oppose an opinion that I find untenable without meaning any harm to the person holding it. I´ve often found that people do interpret the situation quite differently from what I intended... It´s often hard enough to know in direct contact, all the more so in an internet forum without seeing and hearing the other... Intentions are quite difficult to transport with only words and a few emoticons...