Lapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1507 posts, RR: 8 Reply 1, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 17 hours ago) and read 785 times:
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies loo."
Lapper From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 1507 posts, RR: 8 Reply 5, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 693 times:
A funeral service is being held for a woman
who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are
carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the
woman is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies
peacefully. A ceremony is
again held at the same place, and at the end of
the ceremony the pall
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As
they are walking, the husband
cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""
Kaddyuk From Wallis and Futuna, joined Nov 2001, 4125 posts, RR: 28 Reply 6, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 12 hours ago) and read 640 times:
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin"?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
" Oh no," says Dave." He's on my darts team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a pint. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
AWspicious From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 7, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 3 hours ago) and read 565 times:
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter responds with, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his unmarried nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas trips. You'll have a gratis two bedroom apartment above the estate garage, and the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, YOU started it."