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How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend  
User currently offlineTeahan From Germany, joined Nov 1999, 5310 posts, RR: 61
Posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 2201 times:

Hiya!

I have long suspected that a friend of mine (a Canadian living in Geneva) is gay. It has become even more obvious of late with him and another friend spending much time together, including most of this weekend.

I have no problem accepting his lifestyle choice but what I am unsure of is whether it is appropriate for me to acknowledge it or should I keep it under wraps since he obviously prefers to be in the closet about it.

Thanks for any advice.



Goodbye SR-LX MD-11 / 6th of March 1991 to the 31st of October 2004
31 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineChrista From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 2161 times:

Maybe he just has a male friend and secondly you don't have to say anything about it if you have no problem with him being gay..

Regards,

Christa


User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21521 posts, RR: 53
Reply 2, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 2155 times:

It depends on how close you are on personal matters.
The usual rules regarding privacy apply.


User currently offlineB747-437B From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 2132 times:

I have long suspected that a friend of mine (a Canadian living in Geneva) is gay.

Not to be nosy or anything, but you wouldn't happen to mean Timmy would you? It would make a lot of sense though if you did. Just curious to know who his lucky boyfriend is....


User currently offlineAzoresLover From United States of America, joined Jun 2004, 759 posts, RR: 6
Reply 4, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 2125 times:
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he obviously prefers to be in the closet about it

You gave yourself the answer. Why do you have to bring it up at all, especially if you really do not have a problem with it? Let it be...don't possibly embarrass him needlessly if he doesn't bring it up first.

Just be the same kind of friend you always have...bringing up this fact or suspicion to him is a non-issue. I can see no good reason to do so.

Live and let live.

(I'm wondering why you would feel you would have to bring it up in the first place. What's in it for you?)



Those who want to do something will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
User currently offlineJasepl From India, joined Jul 2004, 3582 posts, RR: 39
Reply 5, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 2093 times:

Take it from one, Teahan, that if your friend is indeed gay, I'm sure that when (and if) he wants to let it be known, he will. It's a long process and one can not know what point he's at.

As you've already indicated, it doesn't really matter to you one way or the other. Just file your suspicion in the back of your mind - for future reference, of course  Big grin - and keep going as you've been.

Whatever happens though, he's lucky to have a friend in you.


User currently offlineGigneil From United States of America, joined Nov 2002, 16347 posts, RR: 85
Reply 6, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 2066 times:

You may, over a few (ten) cocktails, mention it to him privately... but I wouldn't make a public deal of it.

When I was younger, a lot of what helped me come out of the closet was friends that were both direct about it, as well as understanding.

N


User currently offlineYyz717 From Canada, joined Sep 2001, 16367 posts, RR: 56
Reply 7, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 4 hours ago) and read 2038 times:

Don't do or say anything. If/when he decides to tell you, he will let you know. Maybe you' re reading the situation wrong anyway. Ultimaitely, what difference does it make?

I have gay friends, str8 friends (at least 2 of whom i think are bi), apparently axexual friends (who may be str8, gay, bi or who knows), and other friends who I choose not to ponder over.

Everyone is a private person to some degree.....let him tell you in his own time, or not.

Maybe he is str8 but in a discreet relationship wth a guy -- it does happen. It does not mean he's gay or bi. Maybe he's just a very sexual person. May be a pan-sexual.

Remember -- it's all good as long as no one gets hurt.



[Edited 2004-10-31 02:02:38]


Panam, TWA, Ansett, Eastern.......AC next? Might be good for Canada.
User currently offlineSeb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11798 posts, RR: 15
Reply 8, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 2006 times:

If he has never brought up the subject, then why should you? Don't make an issue of it. Just let it go and (as said before) when he is ready, he will say something.

GO CANUCKS!!



Life in the wall is a drag.
User currently offlineGigneil From United States of America, joined Nov 2002, 16347 posts, RR: 85
Reply 9, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 3 hours ago) and read 1998 times:

Remember -- it's all good as long as no one gets hurt.

Can't have all that pleasure without just a little bit of pain, you know?

 Smile/happy/getting dizzy

N


User currently offlineSccutler From United States of America, joined Jan 2000, 5615 posts, RR: 28
Reply 10, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days ago) and read 1956 times:

Good advice above- unless you are interested in (1) having a "special" relationship with him, or (2) setting him up with a woman for a date, then his sxl orientation matters not one whit to your friendship.

But something made you ask the question in the first place, so what's bothering you?

I had a situation with one of my best friends (he was in my wedding); after years of being very close (regardless of geographic remoteness), he became much more distant. It was my suspicion that he might have come out in his new home town but was afraid to admit it to the hometown crowd (I was unsure), so I finally came out and told him a funny story about my sister and her difficulty in telling our parents that she was gay. It gave him teh "opening" that he needed to level with me, which was great for me, since it gave *me* the chance to remind him that he was my friend a long time before sex meant a thing to me anyway, and that just was not an issue.

A friend's a friend. Treat him as such.



...three miles from BRONS, clear for the ILS one five approach...
User currently offlineN6376m From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1931 times:

Unless you're having sex with him why does it matter?

I would imagine that non-sexual things caused you guys to be friends - why should what either of you do in the privacy of your respective bed rooms matter?


User currently offlineIndianguy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1931 times:

Does it matter to you if he IS differently inclined? Does he become any less of a friend becuase of it? Then I dont see why you need to let it come between you!



User currently offlineGigneil From United States of America, joined Nov 2002, 16347 posts, RR: 85
Reply 13, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 1897 times:

Its not coming between them. Its helpful to know the preferences of your friends, not just with sex but all sorts of stuff.

If he's afraid to tell you, then you're also not going to be fully available to him to help him work out issues he might have.

Trust me, you will know when the moment is right to bring it up, discreetly, with him.

N


User currently offlineCanadianNorth From Canada, joined Aug 2002, 3395 posts, RR: 9
Reply 14, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1879 times:

"How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend?"

Easy. Unless they accually come to you and bring it up, deal with them the same as you would a straight person.





CanadianNorth



What could possibly go wrong?
User currently offlineZKSUJ From New Zealand, joined May 2004, 7110 posts, RR: 12
Reply 15, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1860 times:

Just let them know that you are staright, and let them accept that. After that, it should be all OK.

User currently offlineTeahan From Germany, joined Nov 1999, 5310 posts, RR: 61
Reply 16, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 1793 times:

Thank you all for your valuable replies.

To those of you asking why I should bring it up, perhaps I didn't make this clear enough at first, but both he and and 'his friend' are friends of mine. They are always having to make up ridiculous excuses why they are together again or spending the weekend at each other's place or whatever. At times I almost feel like a schoolteacher listening to some long-winded excuse from a 10 year old kid and I don't think it is doing anyone any good. Maybe he/they fear I would be judgemental if they told me?

I think friendships are at least partially built on honesty.

@B747-437B: I don't see how how it isat all relevant to the topic at hand.



Goodbye SR-LX MD-11 / 6th of March 1991 to the 31st of October 2004
User currently offlineAzoresLover From United States of America, joined Jun 2004, 759 posts, RR: 6
Reply 17, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 12 hours ago) and read 1772 times:
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Teahan -

Now that you say there's a third person involved and you are all friends, it puts a new light on it. I'm certainly no counselor, and I have never been in a situation like you describe. If I can read between the lines a bit, I'm thinking that you may feel that you are losing a valuable friend, you think it may be because he doesn't want to "come out" to you, and you aren't sure how to let him know that his lifestyle would have no effect on your being friends with him.

If he is making up these excuses often to exclude you from being with him, you may at some point want to mention to him that sometimes you feel that he is trying to avoid you, or not include you in his plans, and that it sort of hurts you at times because you really value his friendship. (Something along that line.) That would possibly open the line of communication for him, and how he responds to you would be your signal as to how to proceed.

You might want to stress to him, if he still seems reluctant to talk, and seems evasive, that if there is some reason that he doesn't want to talk to you about anything, let him know that no matter what it may be, no matter what is on his mind, it would not possibly affect your friendship. Just let him know that you value him, and if there is something you could help him with, or something he would like to talk over with you, you are there for him.

I can't tell you that you should bring up your suspicion yourself, but if he should sort of start the topic, I think it would be very helpful to easing his fears that you could admit to him that you have suspected this, but didn't want to say anything because you value his friendship, and didn't know how to tell him that it would make no difference in your friendship, that you didn't want to lose him.

Maybe the relationship among the three of you could then continue on a new plane, with understanding all around.

Again, I'm not a trained counselor at all, these are just my gut feelings as to how to handle it. Since it affects you this way, and involves a 3rd person, I would be in favor of you talking to your friend as I've outlined above.

I was a public school teacher for many years, and have dealt with many situation of students in their teens. There's a certain wisdom that comes from that over the years, and that's what I'm calling on in my advice to you.

There is a problem here, it is bothering you, and for good reason now that I know there's a 3rd person involved, and you are feeling excluded by them. Hopefully you can do something about it before it eats you up, or you lose a friendship needlessly because he doesn't know how you'd react. That would be the worst result of all.

Best of luck to you...good friendships are valuable. I hope you don't lose his.

And thank you for your put-down of B747-437B. It's none of his @#!!@#
business!!!

AzoresLover



Those who want to do something will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
User currently offlineFlpuck6 From United States of America, joined Jun 1999, 2123 posts, RR: 29
Reply 18, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1735 times:

Best thing to do now is to continue on without saying anything explicit.

I have straight friends and the topic does not necessarily come up in regular discussion.

Besides, if you're all good friends, why should it matter? (All petty excuses aside.)



Bonjour Chef!
User currently offlineCannikin From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 98 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1724 times:

I wouldn't worry about how to deal with him. I'm sure he's suspected for quite some time that you might be straight. There are always signs. Obviously, if he's still coming around, he's dealt with it already and accepts you for the person you are. Although he may find the actual act itself unnatural and repulsive, he doesn't judge you.

You might actually have some interesting conversations if it was spoken of openly. Perhaps you can get his views on how heterosexuals destroy the sanctity of marriage, and other moral decay they cause.

 Nuts

"Maybe he/they fear I would be judgemental if they told me?"

In all honesty, I have to think that fear of losing a friend to intolerance is probably the main factor. Forgive me, being from the southern U.S., I don't have much room to talk, but a Scottish friend tells me that Ireland and Scotland are a bit intolerant towards homosexuals. I don't know if that's the case or not. Perhaps you could slip in a conversation, something about your indifference to someone's sexuality as far as friendships go, or something similar.

Hope I could help!
Cannikin

[Edited 2004-10-31 18:14:30]

User currently offlineVaporlock From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 1659 times:

Teahan, friendship is something to treasure! Enjoy what you have and don't worry about all the other crap! If he feels it is necessary to discuss this with you then he will, if not then he won't.... one way or the other it shouldn't change your friendship with him!!!  Big thumbs up

Like most other people, I have friends who are gay and bi..... I could care less. They are my friends and it doesn't matter what their sexual preference is... friendship is friendship. Big grin

Phyllis  Wink/being sarcastic


User currently offlineRedngold From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 6907 posts, RR: 44
Reply 21, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 1620 times:

I try to deal calmly and respectfully with all of my friends regardless of any disagreements we have about each other's choices and behavior. Some of my gay and lesbian friends have come to realize that I don't support homosexuality; the majority of them realize that it doesn't mean I hate them.

I try to do the same with all acquaintances anyway... Right now I am working in a very liberal, do-as-you-please environment, and Issue 1 in Ohio is causing tension (it's a defense-of-marriage state constitutional amendment.) It has been a reminder to me, to treat everyone with a modicum of respect, regardless of what I know or don't know about them -- because it will help them understand that I am not a hateful person out on a vendetta.


redngold



Up, up and away!
User currently offlineAa61hvy From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 13977 posts, RR: 57
Reply 22, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 1618 times:

Indianguy- Best post I've seen from you.
---

Don't let a minor thing like that change your opinion of someone. Sure it may be weird at first but you will realize he is the same guy he was five years ago.

I mean look at me and JCS, he's gay and he is still a good friend of mine  Big grin



Go big or go home
User currently offlineSeptember11 From United States of America, joined May 2004, 3623 posts, RR: 21
Reply 23, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1605 times:

Everyone is always curious of each other. Men do feel for men. Women do feel for women. Some never do it sexually. Some do it sexually.

Some men do feel for men but can not do it sexually with men. I know that some men have sexual fantansies about men while having sex with women.

It's complicated but the truth (honesty) is better now than ever. People need to be honest. Today more people want to face the truth about their sexual preferences - so that they will feel better about themselves.

I've noticed more bisexual people coming out because of people being more open-minded about them.



Airliners.net of the Future
User currently offlineLuv2fly From United States of America, joined May 2003, 12150 posts, RR: 49
Reply 24, posted (10 years 1 month 3 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 1577 times:

I think that AzoresLover has given you the best advise. And I would seriously listen and follow what he said to you.


You can cut the irony with a knife
25 L104me : I think if this is someone who is a good friend that you should at least let him know that you would be comfortable if he was gay. When I was younger
26 ClassicLover : Teahan, Regarding your comment about friendships should be based on honesty... it seems that you're just a little bit hurt by the fact that they're sp
27 Jmc1975 : I am straight male with a conservative worldview and I have a friend who is gay. His lifestyle is not a topic of our conversation nor does it need to
28 Big777jet : I have a best friend from high school for over 20 years. I told my best friend I'm being a gay a few years ago. He accepts and no problem at all. We a
29 Gigneil : I do not condone the gay lifestyle nor can I see how anyone can be gay. My friend understands that and we have a deep mutual respect for eachother as
30 Jmc1975 : Neil, With all due respect, those two sentences are NOT in conflict. It just states the truth of our friendship. I meant exactly what I said. It's pre
31 ScarletHarlot : Teahan, am I understanding you right that you don't feel left out or anything but just want to have all the sneaking around and fibbing stop? I have h
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