BCAInfoSys From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 6510 times:
I saw this and got a lot of good laughs out of it. I thought I'd share it with you guys, as I'm sure many of you are fathers who might appreciate this. Someday when I have kids (as Ian would say: "OMG Heaven Forbid!"), I'm going to post this on the front door in 24 point font to ward off any potential suitors for my daughter. Enjoy!
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Tom in NO From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 7194 posts, RR: 31
Reply 2, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 6475 times:
That's about how it seemed while I was dating the girl who would eventually become my wife. Shoot, I still get the evil eye from here dad once in a while, and we've been married almost 11 years.
Now then..........I've got a 5-year old daughter and a 3-year old daughter. I'll be saving this for the next 15 years (at least, it'd better be at least 15 years before they even think about dating), and giving copies to any potential suitors of my daughters!!!
Tom at MSY
"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
BCAInfoSys From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 6457 times:
Ten is great! But Nine gets me too!
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Dl021 From United States of America, joined May 2004, 11454 posts, RR: 73
Reply 4, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 6457 times:
No lie here...I had a girls father hand me this list (one very similar) when he first met me. It was pretty damn funny.
I had another girl's mother tell her to watch out for me, as "he's been around the block a few times.."
As a way of making a point my wife's brother took me shooting the first time we met. He told me he went to Camp Perry every other year, and was on the local marksmanship team. (He was little chagrined when I brought my own national match M1A and did better than him with a long gun at the 200 meter TVA range. I couldn't shoot any farther, though, as we had open sights and I can't really see much farther...)
Superfly From Thailand, joined May 2000, 40298 posts, RR: 74
Reply 12, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 6370 times:
To answer your question;
1. I never honk. That's rude.
2. I've broken that. Just a simple hug.
3. I don't sag. That's the dumbest fashion ever.
4. Never talk sex with parents
5. I love talking politics! Never indicated return time. I broke this rule too
6. Ooops, I broke that rule too.
7. No lady has ever made me wait. Remember they are going out with Superfly
8. Broke that rule too
9. That don't scare me
10. That guy sounds like a nut.
So I guess I broke about 5 of the rules and three of them didn't apply.
Dl021 From United States of America, joined May 2004, 11454 posts, RR: 73
Reply 15, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 6323 times:
Yeah, but the fixtures are too fragile to hang on and the cuffs leave too many marks on girls wrists...you gotta try the furry wrist bindings. Chicks'll do that more than once. Of course my sister'll probably leave you tied up in a ditch once you've done her floors and windows.
Vafi88 From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 3116 posts, RR: 15
Reply 16, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 6253 times:
The nice guy role works very well for me
It works well for me too - except this one case where a girl down the street from me (in my old house) had her parents in LOVE with me - I was seriously afraid of her dad and refused to go over to her house - I'm glad I moved.
I'd like to elect a president that has a Higher IQ than a retarted ant.
Ual747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (10 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 6093 times:
Oh GAWD! When I was dating girls (yeah, I'm gay, but in OK you try to cover it up as long as you can) I date a guys daughter, we will call him Vince. Vince is a prominant business leader in OKC and has ran, but not won, for the seat of governor. And the worst part, he's one of those hardcore east coast Italian types. The first time I went to pick his daughter up, I tried to make conversation with him. We were going to a birthday party of one of my friend's. I said who she was and asked him if he knew them, and he said and I quote, "They aren't Italian, I don't have to know them." Eventually he became comfortable with me over time, and I was allowed at their house any time I wanted. Hell, I even spent the night there once, albeit in another bedroom than his daughter. It's all about appearance, intelligence, and good manners with fathers. Talk with them about their business and show interest in what they have to say. Talk about your educational endeavors and what you plan on doing with your life. Talk to them about politics, although if you are on the wrong side, this may be like walking on pins and needles. Definitely call them sir, and the utmost important thing, get the girl home the time he requires. After that, they are like puddy in your hands.
And, if you want to get in really well, give her parents a Christmas card or a small gift. If you are invited to dinner, help clean up after dinner. If you are offered wine or a drink, take the drink, but for heavens sake, don't drink more than the father. If he has one glass of wine, you should only have one.