Alcregular From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (8 years 12 months 3 days 11 hours ago) and read 2241 times:
1. You can't board the plane unless you have the correct change.
2. A passenger from the previous flight has locked herself in the toilet and is hysterically refusing to come out.
3. Before you take off, the cabin crew come round and tell you to fasten your velcro.
4. The captain berates the first officer for having lost the crank handle.
5. The captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for petrol.
6. The captain yells at the ground crew to get all the sheep off the runway.
7. You ask the captain how often their planes crash and he replies 'just the once.'
8. There's no in-flight movie, but your life flashes before your eyes.
9. The bloke next to you is reading that book about the plane crash in the Andes and how the survivors ate each other.
Tower: N3224 are you a cessna?
Pilot: No, Im a male Hispanic.
A plane took off from Sydney airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293, from Sydney to Perth. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - oh my god!'
Shortly after, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
At the rear of economy, a man muttered, 'You should see the back of mine.'
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Houston.
'I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London,' she told the agent.
The confused agent said, 'I'm sorry , we can't do that.'
Really? I am so relieved to hear that because that's exactly what you did with my luggage last year!'
Alcregular From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 5, posted (8 years 12 months 3 days 10 hours ago) and read 2193 times:
Flight 101 is coming in for landing under the control of the co-pilot, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. The plane lands and screeches to a halt.
Relieved the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, 'Man, that was the shortest runway I ever landed on.'
The co-pilot says, 'Yeah, which is weird because it's soooooo wide.'
One night, a Delta twin engine plane was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, David Beckham, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama and a hippie.
Suddenly the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
'Gentlemen,' he began, 'I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey.
The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!'
With that, The pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
David Beckham was on his feet in a flash. 'Gentlemen,' he said, 'I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!'
With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, 'Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute too!'
He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai lama and the hippie looks at one another.
Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke, 'My son,' he said, 'I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane.'
the hippie smiled and said, 'Hey don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.'
An airline recently introduced a special half-price fare for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
Ltbewr From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 12688 posts, RR: 13 Reply 7, posted (8 years 12 months 3 days 10 hours ago) and read 2167 times:
1. Your seat back doesn't recline (Ryanair)
2. No window shades (Ryanair)
3. Advertising on backs of seats (Ryanair)
4. Emergency instructions attached to back of seats (Ryanair)
5. No seat pockets (Ryanair!)
6. Your flight goes to some obscure airport where part of the name is someplace you really want to go (once again - Ryanair!)
6. When the pilot has to take a collection for money for fuel
7. No free lunch or non-alcoholic beverages - you have to pay for it (even on some majors this true!)
8. Flight takes off only when enough people board
9. No pillows, blankets or headrest covers
10. You have to clean up your seat area yourself as leaving the flight
11. You see duct tape holding together parts of the aircraft
12. You have to pay fees for your checked luggage (done by PeoplExpress in the 1980's, being considered by Ryanair now)
13. You have to use a rope ladder to enter/exit the aircraft off the runway
14. It's first come, first to get chance for seats (WN)
15. The seats look like they haven't been redone since the mid-1970's
16. The flight attendents look like they just dropped out of or graduated from or still go to high school
17. The seat pitch/leg room is worse that the back seat of your old sports car
18. The pilots and f/a's suggest tipping them as you leave the aircraft
19. After landing, your pilot says "I hope to God we still have enough tread on the tires for another landing"
20. You see chickens, sheep, other farm animals with the passangers