Levent From France, joined Sep 2004, 1718 posts, RR: 5 Posted (8 years 12 months 1 day ago) and read 2515 times:
Dear fellow A.netters,
I know some of you think an internet forum isn´t the right place to talk about personal problems, but I do have a big problem right now and frankly don´t know where to go with it.
I´ve been living with my girlfriend for 6.5 years now and find our relationship to be excellent, with lots of love and care. We really have a Yin Yang between us, with lots of stability and common understanding. But, being a weak human being as I unfortunately found out with myself, I have gotten at a stage where I developed some deep feelings (attraction) towards another woman as well.
There are two major issues that I can´t resolve: first of all I love my girlfriend dearly and would never want to do something that would hurt her, yet I can´t get the other woman out of my head. Secondly, this new woman in my life looks astonishingly like my girlfriend as far as her thoughts and behaviour go, which probably is the reason I feel so attracted to her. Phisically she is very different, more attractive I must say.
The main reason I´m trying to fight very hard against this, is that, as said before, the latest thing I would want to think of is breaking up with my girlfriend, especially after all we´ve been through during the time we´ve been together. Only recently she had an urgent surgery and after that her mother died. I don´t think I could forgive myself for leaving her, not only at this stage nor in the future. I even wouldn´t know how to break up. She is my first real love, and I´d always hoped for a very long time to come.
Which leaves the BIG question: what can I do? How to handle this?
777ER From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 11672 posts, RR: 16 Reply 1, posted (8 years 12 months 23 hours ago) and read 2494 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW FORUM MODERATOR
I have gotten at a stage where I developed some deep feelings (attraction) towards another woman as well.....Oh No
Well considering the fact that you have been with your current Girl Friend for 6.5 years and you have just meet this other women. You have been with your girl friend for 6.5 years and you hope that since she is your first love, that you want the relationship to be a long lasting one then you need to face the facts that you can't have two girl friends, just imange how hurt your first love will be when/if she founds out. Just picture yourself in this situation, Your first love has feelings for another man and she is betraying you. You found out....How hurt would you feel? Well the answer to that is that you would feel VERY hurt, so your gf of 6.5 years will feel the same hurt as if it was the other way around.
I'm sorry if this sounded harsh, but sadly it is the way that it is.
Mika From Sweden, joined Jul 2000, 2791 posts, RR: 4 Reply 3, posted (8 years 12 months 23 hours ago) and read 2475 times:
My thought exactly...why change something that is near perfect? (Or at least good, i dont know really how your relationship is) There is no reason to take that risc and at the same time hurt a person you love, it just isnt worth it. Physical attraction is one thing, as long as you dont act it out you are not doing anyone any damage. Just learn to live with it and most likely it will fade with time.
Levent From France, joined Sep 2004, 1718 posts, RR: 5 Reply 4, posted (8 years 12 months 23 hours ago) and read 2474 times:
777ER, please don´t worry about sounding harsh, that´s exactly what I need right now. My head is full of confusing questions and I need advice.
Do you think that, if/when I decide to get this other woman out of my life, I should tell my girlfriend about what happened? I promised her in the beginning that I would tell her whenever I´d fall in love with someone else and wanted to break up, instead of playing games. But I don´t think it´s gotten to that stage yet.
Mika From Sweden, joined Jul 2000, 2791 posts, RR: 4 Reply 5, posted (8 years 12 months 23 hours ago) and read 2465 times:
My ex always told me whenever other guys had hitten on her and she even told me that she had a sexual affair with a man 3 months before i met her but the man was still writing her messages when we were together and she hadnt told him that she was with another man (me). I was angry at her for not telling him to fuck off and told her to do so because i wasnt accepting it. She eventually told him to not write her anymore, the reason she gave to not told him earlier is that she didnt want to break this guy, apparently he had left his wife of 12years for her a year ago and she was affraid that he would get completely destroyed. Anyway, honesty is always good. You could tell your woman that you did get attracted by another woman but that you didnt act on it because you have sworn yourself to her and that you just couldnt have done it against her. But in that case make sure to tell her that this other woman is far far away from you now, otherwise she'll go crazy with jealousy and worrying. I took the thing with my girl pretty easily because this other man is in Italy and she is in Kazakhstan so i know for sure that they wont be meeting or that he would go visit her.
Pilotaydin From Turkey, joined Sep 2004, 2518 posts, RR: 48 Reply 6, posted (8 years 12 months 23 hours ago) and read 2462 times:
Leventcim, i hate to say this, but be selfish in life, bc you live for yourself....do what makes you feel good, and if it's meant to be with your lady of 6.5 years.....then it will circle back for another approach....
don't let 6.5 years intimidate you to stay where you are....i know many people here that after a few years...the spark dies, not in the love dept. but as far as attaction goes....
take a break for a bit if she accepts, and try what you seem eager for....
The only time there is too much fuel onboard, is when you're on fire!
Whitehatter From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 8, posted (8 years 12 months 22 hours ago) and read 2453 times:
Anyone recall that hackneyed old expression "The Seven Year Itch"...?
It's a very real problem. People get bored in relationships and that's when others start to become part of the situation. Accept that this might be a part of what's happening and consider your stability rather than the excitement of moving on to something new.
Why has your relationship become boring? The very fact that you are prepared to contemplate damaging or ending it says that it has. Otherwise you wouldn't even look at another woman.
Attack the cause and not the symptoms. Understand why your current relationship isn't going right, and do something to correct that if you want to rescue it.
Otherwise, let go. But remember there will be a cost to letting go and it will be enormous.
Pilotaydin From Turkey, joined Sep 2004, 2518 posts, RR: 48 Reply 9, posted (8 years 12 months 22 hours ago) and read 2452 times:
Iako : im cracking up at your post nice one..
what i meant was, take a break, like split up....not cheat on her! Because let's face it....if you have the urge for someone else, it's not fair to the girl you're with now that your mind is elsewhere.....
im actually quite young so maybe my thoughts will evolve later on in life...but for now i've learned from my several ladies in the past that settling too fast is a mental strain....
ever watched that movie with the cow theory ?
The only time there is too much fuel onboard, is when you're on fire!
Iakobos From Belgium, joined Aug 2003, 3310 posts, RR: 36 Reply 10, posted (8 years 12 months 22 hours ago) and read 2443 times:
Fellow netter Levent seems to be a grown up and well balanced individual.
The fact that is has a 6+ years relationship supports the theory, as well as the question he raised here. (a little bit less when it comes to posting it on A.net..)
Noone can put himself in his shoes, and no relationships are similar.
The only advice I could give him is to be honest with himself and consider that breaking his present relationship would be definitive.
Aerobalance From United States of America, joined Sep 2000, 4666 posts, RR: 50 Reply 12, posted (8 years 12 months 21 hours ago) and read 2420 times:
Roll with it, who knows how many 'interests' she has had and NOT told you about, it works that way. There is nothing like a good affair to find out if your long term relationship has a firm foundation or not.
Aerobalance From United States of America, joined Sep 2000, 4666 posts, RR: 50 Reply 14, posted (8 years 12 months 20 hours ago) and read 2376 times:
Mika wrote -
'Why is it that this comes from someone who is 36-45 and someone who is 22 has to defend the sanctity of marriage? Shouldnt it be the other way around?'
First off, Levent isn't married, but he seems like a good guy who is caring and understanding. Caring enough to question his own thoughts and ask for advice on this forum in attempt not to hurt his current g/f's feelings. Very noble.
I do like the 'sanctity' of marriage and coming from an old fashioned family where my parents are still married, I do believe that the right marriage can last a long time. But this happens few and far between. Most people nowadays seem to have an eye for always 'improving' their situation either in finding someone else who is more attractive or has more money. I have no problem with this, it's just how it is. Of the 8 marriages that my friends got themselves into when they were 20-23, only 1 is still married today.
Mika From Sweden, joined Jul 2000, 2791 posts, RR: 4 Reply 15, posted (8 years 12 months 19 hours ago) and read 2356 times:
Maybe i should have pointed out that in my pov being married and having a 6.5 year old relation is the same thing, apart from the juridical aspect.
Caring enough to question his own thoughts and ask for advice on this forum in attempt not to hurt his current g/f's feelings. Very noble.
Agreed, that is noble. What is not noble though is to have a "good affair" to see if his relation has a foundation. Affair in this sense meaning going behind his girlfriend's back with someone else. If you want to try someone else, at least have the balls to finish the previous one off first. You can't both have the cake and eat it. Well you can, but serve it with your own balls.
And there is absolutely no guarantee that switching to someone else would necessarilly be the right choice, how many of those 8 friends of yours that got divorced/changed partners would still be married today if they did NOT change partner? You simply cant know. All the while assuming that all of them just went from the one to another of course.
Bottom line: have some empathy. See the situation as if it were your partner doing the same against you. Testing the relation for it's foundation suddenly isnt so appealing now is it?
Luv2fly From United States of America, joined May 2003, 12047 posts, RR: 50 Reply 17, posted (8 years 12 months 18 hours ago) and read 2331 times:
One thing the grass is not always greener on the other side. Think with the head on your shoulders and not the one in your pants. Go back and rethink your relationship to the time when it was new and fresh and everything you wanted, and go back and treat it that way with your girlfriend. Get the spark back and forget the other woman.
AA777 From United States of America, joined May 1999, 2531 posts, RR: 30 Reply 19, posted (8 years 12 months 18 hours ago) and read 2315 times:
Dont waste your time with the other girl. You will wind up regretting it. My question is if you've been with your current GF for 6.5 years, why not marry her already, if you truly do love her etc.? It will help solidify your relationship and all that good stuff. If you go for this other woman, you will most likely regret it, as most relationships end up getting axed. So based on statistics alone... its a much better idea to stick with what youve got.
Levent From France, joined Sep 2004, 1718 posts, RR: 5 Reply 23, posted (8 years 12 months 13 hours ago) and read 2221 times:
Thank you very, very much for sharing all your thoughts with me. Although this is a very personal thing I have to solve by myself, your ideas are truly a big help for me as my capacity to think logically is not 100% right now and you come up with things I didn´t think about or should reconsider.
Just to answer or comment a few things mentioned earlier:
As far as sexuality goes I don´t have anything to complain about in my present relationship (well, except for the long working days that make you too tired to make love...) Seriously, all aspects of our relation are wonderful. And the physical part for me is a great addition to being together, not a must. As I said, this other woman is physically more attractive, not because I´m not attracted to my girlfriend, but simply because of her looks. Naturally that´s only on the outside, which causes the first reaction (attraction) but really is not the most important thing of a person. Luckily enough I´m not a guy who is driven by his libido so I won´t go blind on her looks and try to get her into bed instantly.
Because I love my girlfriend so much, I could never cheat on her by trying what it´s like with the other woman. If I would decide to start another relationship, that would be my new goal in life, but I could never forgive myself being with another woman while my lady is waiting at home for me.
I don´t think my present relationship is boring either. I mean, you can´t chase around each other every day as if it were the day you fell in love. As an uncle once told me, the first few years you are in love, but butterflies don´t live forever. After that you love and take care of each other.
Marriage in my eyes is and never has been a conditon to love someone, nor a confirmation hereof. It´s not necessary to marry someone to prove you love him or her, and it might make things a lot harder if at a certain point it doesn´t work out anymore. I´ve been living with my gf for a long time now and we could be considered as being married I suppose, and I don´t think a marriage gives any more guarantee of success in a relationship.
Switching off my emotions and looking at this practically, it wouldn´t make any sense leaving what I have now, something of which I know it works, for something which is new and I don´t have the slightest idea what will happen. Maybe I´m glueing the puzzle back together right now, I just need some help with it because there are quite some pieces in this one! It´s so difficult, because it never happened before and I never thought it would happen. I´ll have some days on my own the coming week, my gf being with her family in Holland and me with my family in Turkey. And this other woman here in Spain. Maybe it was meant to be this way so I can try to answer all these questions for myself and get on with it. I´m learning a lot about myself now, that´s for sure.
Mika From Sweden, joined Jul 2000, 2791 posts, RR: 4 Reply 24, posted (8 years 12 months 13 hours ago) and read 2217 times:
You sound like a very smart man, just think about it constructively and if it helps you, do a pro and con list. You will soon confirm yourself with that leaving your current relation is nothing but crazy. That's what i was talking about when i mentioned aerobalance's comment...when you are young you usually experiment and change partners like you change shoes, when you are getting into age though you usually act smarter and with more logic and insight. That's exactly what i got confirmed when listening to you. You are doing the right thing.
25 ZKSUJ: If I were you I would stay with the current GF. You are just hoing through a phase where you feel too secure with your girlfriend and hence you may ta
26 FSPilot747: Have you considered talking to your girlfriend? Not about this other woman, but about your relationship in general. Maybe you two need a nice vacation
27 Teahan: Levent, Just a quick reminder that your girlfriend (or one of her/your friends) could quite easily stumble across this post, perhaps putting you in an
28 Legaleagle: Life is not a dress rehearsal, if you feel as though there is an opportunity to make yourself happier why limit yourself. A question I would like to k
29 Jetjock22: Yeah, my FIANCE up and tells me one day that she has feeling for ANOTHER WOMAN. Needless to say that pretty much screwed me up in the head
30 Bigphilnyc: So....tempted....to make....inappropriate....joke. God, I would SO get banned.
31 Slider: 6.5 years and you haven't made a commitment to one another? That's probably part of the problem, whether you want to admit it or not. Deep down, becau
32 Vimanav: Levent... If you believe in God.. believe me he's testing you. If your current GF is as wonderful as you say and you have no complaints whatsoever, yo
33 Dreamer: Levent, Do nothing at all, just live with it. Over the next 50 years you will keep noticing new women who you will find attractive. If you avoid falli
34 DC9: If you truly love your current GF, stick with her. Do not to the misstake I almost did and leave her for someone else. I am glad I relaized this in ti
35 Bigphilnyc: Take your girlfriend and kill her with a knife. Then, pretend to go fishing and dump her body in the bay, and help out the "missing" effort with her f
36 Airxliban: Levent, I have read what you wrote carefully and here is what I think. It is my 27,350 Turkish Lira (equivalent of 2 cents). I think that such things
37 Bigphilnyc: After 6.5 years, your girl has probably already cheated on you anway. Keep your girl, but use the other girl for your ass on the side.
38 Alberchico: Love is like a flame .A flame that can be quickly extinguished over time if the partner is careless or not giving a sincere 100% effort. The secret to
39 Xpat: Levent, you definitely have a good head on your shoulders from what I read of your above post(s). The fact that this is a conflict for you speaks volu
40 Levent: Well guys, here I am again. First of all a happy new year to all of you and all the best for 2005. Some of you asked me to keep you updated on what´s
41 Dreamer: Happy New Year to you too! Wow, is all I can say, things really moved quickly. I guess if we all had know how far you actually had gotten with the new
42 Iakobos: So, all along, you were looking for excuses and justifications to a move you basically had (mentally at least) prepared some long time ago. Some would
43 Kay: It's the first post for me on this forum for around 8 months. But what better topic than this to dive in. Levent, my advice to you is this: it might n
44 Aerobalance: Levent, Smart move, really, it is the best for you - and to let go of your previous love, and not waste her time, is the best for her - maybe now she
45 RJ111: Wow, didnt see that one coming. Good luck with your new bird. It's great that you'll keep in touch with your old girl too. I hope the change pays off.