Gkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24627 posts, RR: 58 Posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 1122 times:
Be very proud to be British Because:
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!!
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
Pbb152 From United States of America, joined Feb 2000, 595 posts, RR: 1 Reply 1, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 1106 times:
So stupidity, ignorance, and incompetence aren't solely American traits, huh?
Seriously, 3 Brits each year die testing a 9 volt battery on their tongue? That is a new one on me.
Pe@rson From United Kingdom, joined Jan 2001, 18883 posts, RR: 54 Reply 7, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 1049 times:
Quoting DIJKKIJK (Reply 6): Gkirk is not Serbian-Montenegroian, he is British
As an Englishman, I insist that we state his nationality correctly - he is SCOTTISH. The problem with Scotland, you see, is that it's full of Scots - those uneducated, foul-mouthed, lower class people!
[Edited 2005-04-26 14:26:09]
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
JGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 14, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 1024 times:
Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 11): for the association with GKirk is unbearable.
Be ashamed. Be very ashamed !
Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 12): DOH! I was sitting on my hands trying desparately NOT to get involved with this!!!!!!!!!
But slagging Kirkie is an a.net tradition - it is excellent therapy, and releases endorphins into the blood stream, thus providing proven therapeutic benefits.
Banco From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2001, 14752 posts, RR: 55 Reply 18, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 999 times:
It is worth pointing out that although these examples of criminal stupidity may seem remarkable, Kirkie is hiding under the cover of "Britain". In fact, all of them took place in Scotland, and, as I'm sure you agree, it is now rather more understandable that they happened in the first place.
For example:
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
They've never seen electricity before. Can you really blame them for experimenting?
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
Most of their supplies come from Oxfam. Imagine the shock when they get a new one?
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
This is why we try to keep sharp implements away from them. The trouble is, they haven't mastered forks yet, so they keep their knives. Not an ideal solution, I'm sure you agree.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
Electricity. See above.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Their primary sense is taste. You only have to look at the stuff they DO eat to know that. Once again, if you understand, it seems reasonable.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
This is because they're so damn mean neither will ever let go. The same happens when two of them fight over a penny, which of course is how copper wire came to be invented.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
Toys keep them occupied, and stops them bothering us. Accidents will happen.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
That's just stupid. But then, as above, they don't get new clothes very often.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
This doesn't require any further explanation does it?
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
Yes, well they happened when the Scots decided to try to get in the cars.
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
Personally, I'm surprised it's so few. Aren't you?
She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
Braybuddy From Ireland, joined Aug 2004, 5306 posts, RR: 35 Reply 20, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 968 times:
Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter): Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Happens everywhere! My company organised a "Happy Heart" day, which was part of a government health campaign. It consisted of a two hour walk, and everybody ended-up in the the chipper and pub afterwards.
QANTASforever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 23, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 946 times:
Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 4): Naturally Australia is perfect and its citizens all completely sane and logical, eh?
Oh FFS, if Australia gave you a visa to discover that information then the Minister for Immigration needs to be sent to an instution for the criminally insane.
Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 4): If you don't like Britain, move somewhere else. 'Nuff said.
...or not move there in the first place.
Quoting Yukimizake (Reply 15): Sounds dubious, these sound more like urban myths. What is the source of these statistics?
I agree. You call the United Nations, and I'll ring the police. Let's invesitgate, Nancy Drew.
Willo From United Kingdom, joined Dec 2003, 1352 posts, RR: 13 Reply 24, posted (8 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 929 times:
Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 7): is that it's full of Scots - those uneducated, foul-mouthed, lower class people!
......that is no way to talk about the outgoing Labour Cabinet
25 Mhodgson: Actually last time I read those sentences they were referring to Americans. Hell, if I order a bacon double cheeseburger and fries from Burger King I
27 RJ111: English are actuall normal it's those damn Scots letting the country down. We should kick them out of Britain. Remember, this is the country that inve
28 LTBEWR: The items mentioned in the first half of the inital post are also all the same in the USA too. One item that is truly 'only in Britian' is that the nu
29 WhiteHatter: You girly wimp. You should finish it off with another burger. At McDonalds. And then ten pints and a curry. Anyway Burger King are bloody awful. alon
30 Bhill: Only in the US do DRIVE UP ATM's have Braille on them!!! Cheers
31 ZRH: I don't believe that all these deaths which Kirkie mentioned really happened. Brits are very tough, they even survive their own food.
32 Aerlingus330: Look at Micheal Howard, Charles Kennedy, Tony Blair and the assholes in the Royal Family...They define how tough the British Are. AerLingus330
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The problem with Scotland, you see, is that it's full of Scots - those uneducated, foul-mouthed, lower class people! 
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