BMIFlyer From UK - England, joined Feb 2004, 8810 posts, RR: 62 Posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 1535 times:
I don't know where to start, in fact I don't know if it's even a good idea to post this, but I don't know who else I can rely on for advice. I've been feeling down a lot lately, especially today.
Today - May 31st, is exactly a year to the day that myself and my friend Sarah met 'in person' after being penpals for 4 years. Well, a couple of months after we met, we got engaged (I asked her). Of course, I felt like the happiest guy alive back then.
Sarah had a bad past (family issues, during which time helped her out alot) and although we thought everything was sorted, it appeared not to be and sure enough, things started to go bad, as those old issues returned to haunt us. We eventually broke up at the end of 2004 as we couldn't cope with the problems, but since then, i've not been able to forget about her.
It was not long before the wedding that we broke up. So, naturally everything was planned and even the dress was made up for her. I've never forgotten the last day we spent together, and the pain I felt in those days after we split up.
I still have the engagement and wedding rings at home. I have on a few occasions, just sat at home alone and stared at them for hours on end. I also have a huge collection of our pictures from our times we spent together and I just can't tear myself away from them. I just find it too hard to do it.
Anyway, a while ago I sent an email asking how she was doing but got no reply. I thought nothing of it because I knew she didn't get chance to see her emails much any more.
Today (Tuesday 31st May) out of the blue, I got an email from her saying "Hey".
Well, I opened it (as you do) and heres what she had to tell.....
Sarah is now engaged, to a guy called Ryan, who strangely enough, I have met. Well, to make me feel even better, she also adds that she is pregnant (18 weeks) as well and that she has never been happier.
They got engaged on Feb 13th this year, but Sarah says she was scared to tell me because she didn't know how I would react. She then goes on to remind me that it was my fault that we broke up anyway and that "the things I said to her ruined the love she had for me".
All I ever did was try to help her with her troubles, but now it seems shes throwing it all back in my face.
Personally, I feel like crap. Since we split i've never been able to properly interact with other women.
I find myself refusing to go out on a date, simply because don't know how it may turn out.
What should I do? Have any of you ever been in the same situation?
Myt332 From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 9112 posts, RR: 74 Reply 1, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 1522 times:
That really sucks although I'm guessing in one way or another, everyone can sympathise with you. However, I doubt everyone will have had to put up with what you are. I can't give you much advice on what to do now, all I seem to be able to do is think about if I was in your shoes substituting Sarah for someone else. It makes you feel like utter crap.
Obviously this just wasn't meant to be. There are others out there, others that can make you feel how she made you feel.
Remember the good times you had with her, try be happy for her now and look forward to what you're going to have I guess.
Aerobalance From United States of America, joined Sep 2000, 4634 posts, RR: 51 Reply 2, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1501 times:
Consider it a learning experience, living a life means you'll learn lessons - life lessons.
I've had a few of them myself. I've learned good things from horrible situations, such as the one you have mentioned. It's easy to take the actions from a 'significant other' and twist them into a perception that it was meant to do you harm - don't do that. Consider it her loss. The best advice I can give is to be yourself - and learn to be happy with yourself.
Go out, date, be yourself, don't overdo your presentation - yet don't over do it.
Man, I really feel for you. My relationship problems don't seem nearly so bad anymore...
I think it's hard for people to give you advice in these sort of scenarios as its your life and its hard for anyone else to know exactly how you feel. I'll try and make some suggestions but do what you think is right, not what someone tells you.
I would recommend getting some sort of closure. It appears to be so complex that "getting her back" looks to be out of the question. If you try to ignore it and let it go away, it will eat you alive. You need to do something to make sure your brain is over it so you can go on with life. If you think you could make it through her wedding without making a scene, maybe that would help? Being happy for her, and wishing her well at the wedding could be what you need.
I'd recommend going on a date with someone after that. Not a pooty call, but ask someone you are completly comfortable with and know well (maybe someone from work) out on a simple date. Just dinner and just a movie or something. If it's a person you know, your probably won't be stressed or anxious and it'd help you beat your date phobia.
TheCoz From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 5, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1488 times:
Ouch, that's gotta hurt. I've been there, and aside from the "A.net 99.5% of us are virgins" claim around here, I think many other A.net members have been there too. I'm sure they'll have some good advice. It's a good idea you have posted this.
The best thing to do now is break-off contact and move on. Realize you are better off for knowing her, and you were very lucky to have found her.
Quoting BMIFlyer (Thread starter): Sarah is now engaged, to a guy called Ryan, who strangely enough, I have met. Well, to make me feel even better, she also adds that she is pregnant (18 weeks) as well and that she has never been happier.
Forget about that. She's a pregnant chick. She's all whacked out on hormones. She doesn't know what the hell she thinks.
Quoting BMIFlyer (Thread starter): All I ever did was try to help her with her troubles, but now it seems shes throwing it all back in my face.
You're a better person than she is, obviously. Would you want to spend the rest of your life around someone who acts this way toward other people? I know I wouldn't.
Get out and get some exercise. Buy a pet; get a cat or a dog. Take up a hobby where you'll be around people. Do whatever it takes to distract yourself. Just keep busy.
Orion737 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 7, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 3 days 7 hours ago) and read 1470 times:
Forgetting and moving on is easier said than done, especially when you were in love with someone and you know they are sleeping with someone else and doing all the things you did with them as a couple.
My advice, try not to compare other girls to 'her' and give other relationships a proper chance. She has moved on, she was selfish and used you as an emotional crutch.
Find a nice guy and settle down my number is ******
Sure have. I was engaged about 3 yrs ago and my fiancee called it off. Hard at the time, but with hindsight it was for the best.
It's time to move on. Get rid of all the photos, maybe keep one or two but bear in mind that if you bring someone else back to your place there may be questions and they may think that you're still obsessed with someone else.
Good luck and enjoy the single life for a bit. It's all part of life's rich tapestry. Don't start feeling you're hard done by, don't wallow in remorse. You're only on earth for short while so enjoy it while you can. And be grateful it happened before the wedding so no lawyers had to get involved with divorces.
PS If you find somewhere to sell those rings let me know, I've still got my ex's!
ZKSUJ From New Zealand, joined May 2004, 6933 posts, RR: 10 Reply 11, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 20 hours ago) and read 1379 times:
Unfortunately, time is the only thing that can cure this sort of thing. I agrre with Orion737 about NOT replacing her, that would be unfair to you and to whoever is replacing her.
Give it time and things will get better. I would imagine you feel a bit jelous, angry, sad etc... right now, but life has it's ups and downs. This is just a big down by the sounds of it.
I am luck to have never been in that exact situation before but I have experienced similar occurences, I can imagine how stink it would be fore you now.
Don't try to get her back, she has said she is happy and if she means that much to you, why would you want to wreck that? I guess a good way to get closure (although it may sound horrible and maybe unbearable) is to go to the wedding (if invited). This would give the situation a better chance to 'sink in' and it MAY help speed up the recovery process.
As for now, TIME will be your friend. That would be the only thing (unless something drastic happens) that can cure this type of hurt.
VC10BOAC From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 389 posts, RR: 0 Reply 12, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 1347 times:
ZKSUJ hit the nail on the head. Time is the ONLY thing that can resolve what you are feeling now. I know you will get a lot of advice on what to do, but much of that will not help you because whatever you do will not change the way you feel.
So (and I will tell you the way it is) all you have left is hope and faith that things will get easier with the passing of time. In the meantime, feel sad (that's normal), just keep living your normal life, don't do anything stupid (like trying to get even or hurt yourself).
One day (trust me this WILL happen) you will look back at this whole situation and wonder why you got so bent out of shape.
Skidmarks From UK - England, joined Dec 2004, 7121 posts, RR: 60 Reply 13, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 1342 times:
Get out and enjoy yourself. Sorry if it sounds blunt, but move on. She obviously hurt you, but time will heal and you don't have the time to wallow in self pity.
Life is for living and while you had some good times with her, she's gone. Believe me, someone else will turn up when you least expect it. It happened for me, and now I've been married for 17 years (second time around).
Babybus From United Kingdom, joined Dec 2003, 3512 posts, RR: 6 Reply 14, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 1334 times:
This is an awful story and I feel really bad for you.
My suggestion is 1) feel bad for a week or so then 2) write down all the things that you didn't like about her (comic stuff works best) then 3) start getting socially active again and then 4) start looking around casually for your next mate. This plan should take about a month.
People who have suffered emotional trauma in their family often try to relieve that immense pressure by passing on their hurt to someone they love, the way that the person in the family they loved did it to them. It helps her to understand her pain by watching you in yours.
If you want to trump it tell her how happy you are and about your new love. But best to cut off all communication as this is a route for her to dig at you. Her agony will always be with her even in this new relationship.
Chin up, it will soon pass over. Keep us posted as to how you feel.
and with that..cabin crew, seats for landing please.
Boeing4ever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 15, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 1331 times:
I feel for you man. One thing I can tell you for certain...it WILL get better. In the long run it always does. Sure, it seems hopeless now, but you still have your future. Talking about this is the first step. I suggest you seek the advice of those closer to you. You can move on, it's not the end. I know right now this all sounds like crap and that you're going through hell. But we've all been there. Trust me, don't lose focus, and most importantly don't lose the will to live. I promise you this, the dark clouds will eventually clear up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. You know, it took me two years to get over somebody...and one year I fell into that easy trap of twisting her actions as hostile and intentionally hurtful, when it was all my fault. The second year was guilt and regret. Why did it take so long? I never opened up about it. Don't try to carry it all inside, it'll consume you and eat you up from the inside. Trust me though, the pain will leave.
They say in order to know happiness, one must know pain...well, there's a flip side, you can't be in pain forever, for in order to know pain, one must know happiness.
Things will look up, you'll have a new girl, and you will be happier. You just have to get back on that bike, and ride on. We all go through it. Best of lucky to you. Remember, everything happens for a reason...cliche or not, it does.
Chance of that happening is virtually nil. I doubt, going by her record, that there will even be one.
Quoting Babybus (Reply 14): People who have suffered emotional trauma in their family often try to relieve that immense pressure by passing on their hurt to someone they love, the way that the person in the family they loved did it to them. It helps her to understand her pain by watching you in yours
Thats exactly what she was doing in the end, taking out her hurt on me. As you can see, it really screwed me over too.
Well, I'm still thinking about stuff guys, thanks for the replies so far. It's good to see i'm not alone in all this. More discussion on this is welcome, of course.
Bezoar From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 805 posts, RR: 9 Reply 20, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1262 times:
It sounds like the kindest thing she ever did for you was to break off the relationship. She is troubled and lost, and would have continued to pull you down with her.
No relationship is perfect. I think a lot of people go into marriage thinking they have a perfect relationship, and find out later that it is not so. Everyone continues to grow and change, and there must be flexibility in the relationship to allow that to happen. Otherwise, the relationship becomes tarnished with resentment, lack of forgiveness, poor communication, and ultimately it all fails.
This is my take on why the divorce rate is so high. I've been married for 23 years, and I'll admit that there have been a few rather challenging times. Our partnership, however, has been anchored by our commitment (the vows), and furthered by our tolerance (loving each other despite our flaws), our willingness to forgive (knowing we both have faults), and the realization that we cannot 'own' the other (suspending the idea of 'possession'). Our lives can be complimentary, but no so enmeshed that we suffocate each other.
Too often the foundations of a relationship are built upon hormones, which we all know are not particularly stable.
I would recommend that you not waste too much time beyond the rediscovery of what attracted you to her in the first place, remembering the joy you had in helping someone else, and forgiving her (and yourself) as the case may be.
If you have a particular faith, it is certainly something I'd suggest praying about.
Sometimes the most important lessons are the most painful.
"There are none so blind as those who will not see."
Orion737 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 21, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1232 times:
Getting angry and mad as hell with them also works BMIFlyer. I have just had a blazing row. My ex sent an email asking if I fancied taking a holiday with him in the next few weeks. Despite everything that has passed between us, I still love him very much and I could feel myself weakening and being talked into it even though in my heart I knew it would be a recipe for disaster.
I then said. 'You wouldnt be asking me to go just because you dont have anyone else to go with at the moment'? long pause then he said, 'well yes'
Can you believe it? He didnt want to go because he would enjoy my company or even as friends, he just wanted me to go because his other 'men friends' dont have the money or time available to go' I am still shaking with anger!!
Get angry with her in your heart BMIFlyer, Think how she possibly usedyou as an emotional crutch, as a shoulder to cry on and then went off with somoene else. Get mad and then forget her!
JGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 22, posted (7 years 11 months 3 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1226 times:
Quoting Orion737 (Reply 21): I then said. 'You wouldnt be asking me to go just because you dont have anyone else to go with at the moment'? long pause then he said, 'well yes'
Helloooo - wrong answer ! What a knob - you're well rid.
BMI - sounds tough to take, but clearly this woman has moved on (and how !), maybe that will give you some "closure" (horrid Oprah-word). But being miserable because of other people is pointless, gets you nowhere and there's no answer to it, because you can't change other people. The only person who can make you happy is you - any happiness derived from other people is coincidental, it's very nice and all, but don't depend on it for your own happiness.