UAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (9 years 8 months 5 hours ago) and read 823 times:
Capitalism and Cows
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at
the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.
ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that
Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows,
and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
L.1011 From United States of America, joined Aug 2001, 2209 posts, RR: 9
Reply 3, posted (9 years 7 months 4 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 760 times:
I have a very similar list in my AIM profile. However, I'd like to add a bunch not in the thread starter.
The list I found was titled xxxxx Capitalism instead of xxxxx Country.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Conservative Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
Liberal capitalism (an oxymoron) - You have two cows. . . . Hey wait! Why do you have two cows? That's not fair. You either stole the cows or inherited them from your billionaire parents (after they paid estate tax at rates up to 55%). We should take those cows and give them to the farmer down the road that didn't study to make sure everyone is equal.Then when this farmer kills them, we should create a program that first studies why he killed them. We should resist any testing of farmers before we give him the cow to raise in the first place. God forbid the farmer actually be successful and raise the cows maybe they even have an offspring by the time the farmer dies, we should then take 55% of the cows (since you can only take whole cows, that means we should take 2 of the 3 cows) and give them back to the government. Therefore the descendants of the hard working farmer are left with only one cow.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Taliban Capitalism: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
Homer Simpson Capitalism: You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.
Animals Rights Capitalism: You have two cows. You decide to sell them to a meat packing plant and retire from farming. The plant is blown up and all the cows are "liberated". Three days later, the cows are euthanized and kept in a freezer for months before being buried. The irony goes unnoticed until the next exposé, which is largely ignored.
Catholic Capitalism:You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.
NUair From Malaysia, joined Jun 2000, 1181 posts, RR: 0
Reply 6, posted (9 years 7 months 4 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 727 times:
Quoting B757300 (Reply 5): Quoting UAL747 (Thread starter):
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
Shouldn't it be more like:
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You sell your pasture to save thousands of dollars in taxes and to keep the cows alive you butcher one and feed it to the other. When the remaining cow gets some disease related to eating its own species the UK gov't tells you to burn it and the EU reimburses you for the full cost of both cows. With the money you now have you buy a neighboring sheep farm which for some reason is being sold at a deep discount...
Start process over again...
"How Many Assholes we got on this ship?" - Lord Helmet