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Australian Tourism Q&A  
User currently offlineMsl747 From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 412 posts, RR: 1
Posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 16 hours ago) and read 1466 times:

A friend e-mailed this to me. Quite funny:

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humor.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in K! ings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


-Msl747


Commercial Pilot Certificate: Single and Multi-Engine Land; Instrument Airplane
28 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineMonteycarlos From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 2107 posts, RR: 28
Reply 1, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 16 hours ago) and read 1455 times:

That is extremely funny! I needed that today! Thank you!


It's a beautiful night to fly like a phoenix...
User currently offlineSpringbok747 From Australia, joined Nov 2004, 4387 posts, RR: 10
Reply 2, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 16 hours ago) and read 1449 times:

HAHAAA...LOL..that's so funny! Thanks for that  Smile


אני תומך בישראל
User currently offlineWunala From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 950 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1441 times:

Its an old one, but still make you laugh.

User currently offlineQANTASFOREVER From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 1421 times:

Okay guys, do your worst - it's not like I haven't been expecting it.

QFF


User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 1408 times:

Quoting QANTASFOREVER (Reply 4):
Okay guys, do your worst - it's not like I haven't been expecting it.

Eh ?! Paranoia Alert In Effect WHOOPPPP WHOOOPPP !!

Breeeaatthheee deeeeppplyyyy ! It's not a dig at Australia at all, it's a dig at gormless tourists, and is very funny.


User currently offlineQANTASforever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1406 times:

JGHP1A - you know full well that it's not the tourists I'm talking to, but certain people on this board - the filthy creatures..

QFF


User currently offlineN801NW From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 744 posts, RR: 1
Reply 7, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1406 times:

I have a friend that wants to go to Australia some time next year. Now, how do I get him to show up for the hippo-racing at Kings Cross naked?  Wink

User currently offlineWunala From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 950 posts, RR: 0
Reply 8, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1404 times:

Quoting N801NW (Reply 7):
I have a friend that wants to go to Australia some time next year. Now, how do I get him to show up for the hippo-racing at Kings Cross naked?

Send me $10,000 in unmarked notes to my PO box and something can be 'arranged'.


User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1402 times:

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 6):
JGHP1A - you know full well that it's not the tourists I'm talking to, but certain people on this board - the filthy creatures..

Yes, I know the ones you mean...

(purses lips and directs narrowed beam-like Taiwanese death-glare at miscreants)


User currently offlineQANTASforever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1401 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 9):
(purses lips and directs narrowed beam-like Taiwanese death-glare at miscreants)

Oi - that's identity theft!

QFF


User currently offlineBanco From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2001, 14752 posts, RR: 53
Reply 11, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1397 times:

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 10):
Oi - that's identity theft!

Really? Were you unaware of JGPH1A's predilection for dressing up as Miss Creant?



She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Reply 12, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1388 times:

Quoting Banco (Reply 11):
Really? Were you unaware of JGPH1A's predilection for dressing up as Miss Creant?

Yes I believe that's the name all his high class businessmen clients know him as down on the Cote D'Azur. You'll also find his card in many a phonebox in Central London too 

[Edited 2005-06-07 15:35:50]


Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
User currently offlineWunala From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 950 posts, RR: 0
Reply 13, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1383 times:

Quoting Cornish (Reply 12):
You'll also find his card in many a phonebox in Central Lonodon too

I didnt think there were any phone boxes left?


User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1380 times:

Quoting Cornish (Reply 12):
Yes I believe that's the name all his high class businessmen clients know him as down on the Cote D'Azur. You'll also find his card in many a phonebox in Central London too

Phone boxes ? Oh please - don't compare your tacky lamp-post leaning to my personalised intercontinental "service". My clientele is very discreet, based entirely on personal recommendation and thorough screening, including full financial disclosure. Big grin


User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Reply 15, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1377 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 14):
Phone boxes ? Oh please - don't compare your tacky lamp-post leaning to my personalised intercontinental "service". My clientele is very discreet, based entirely on personal recommendation and thorough screening, including full financial disclosure.

Yeah right. you're nothing but a cheap tart JGP Big grin



Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 16, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1376 times:

Quoting Cornish (Reply 15):
Yeah right. you're nothing but a cheap tart JGP

Well YOU couldn't afford me ! :P


User currently offlineBanco From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2001, 14752 posts, RR: 53
Reply 17, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1375 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 14):
My clientele is very discreet

I'll bet they are.  Wow!

Terrified of being found out is probably nearer the mark.



She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Reply 18, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1373 times:

Quoting Banco (Reply 17):
I'll bet they are.

Terrified of being found out is probably nearer the mark.

They'd never be able to handle the embarassment and public humiliation.
(Especially the revelation that they pay him in Big Macs Big grin)



Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 19, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1368 times:

Quoting Cornish (Reply 18):
They'd never be able to handle the embarassment and public humiliation.
(Especially the revelation that they pay him in Big Macs )

No. They fear the world's envy, for having been privileged to experience something so extraordinary. Plus the inevitable embezzlement scandal (I'm VERY expensive).


User currently offlineQANTASforever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1361 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 19):
Plus the inevitable embezzlement scandal (I'm VERY expensive).

It wont take much for the police to follow the trail of herpes that goes from Menton to Marseille. Word on the street is you're about to have Prince Albert's baby - either that or you are about to get a Prince Albert.

QFF


User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1357 times:

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 20):
Word on the street is you're about to have Prince Albert's baby - either that or you are about to get a Prince Albert.

Oh please I do have standards, you know. Some second-string Euro-royal nobody ? I think not.

As for the second thing, EUWUWUWW !!! Not for anything in the world.


User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Reply 22, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1355 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 21):
Oh please I do have standards, you know. Some second-string Euro-royal nobody ? I think not.

Far above JGP's standards of course.

A sailor from the docks down at Marseilles more like Big grin



Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
User currently offlineJGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 23, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1353 times:

Quoting Cornish (Reply 22):
A sailor from the docks down at Marseilles more like

This is not the OUT! Letters Page - spare us your deviant fantasy life !


User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Reply 24, posted (9 years 1 month 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1351 times:

Quoting JGPH1A (Reply 23):
This is not the OUT! Letters Page - spare us your deviant fantasy life !

Actually it was the photos in the mag of Saturday Night Cabaret in the 'Allo 'Allo Sailor bar in downtown Marseilles that highlighted you in your altar ego role as Miss Creant in your sequined outfit bellowing out a Shirley Bassey number that started the revelation of your "other" life after dark Big grin



Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
25 JGPH1A : Oh dear - did "La Cage Aux Folles" get stuck on repeat-play in your DVD player again ? Moi - in sequins ? With my boyish figure ? You silly mare ! It
26 Cornish : You mean you charge 2 big macs for that ??
27 JGPH1A : 2 small Pacific Islands.
28 QANTASforever : I heard it was Lacroix neo-baroque, tartan leather, high neck, frilled garter number with high gloss neo green enamel stilettos and a Vivian Westwood
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