UAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2222 times:
It's all starting to make sense now. A few weeks ago I went into my Dad's office to say hi. He wouldn't speak or even look at me. Then, I went to my grandparents house afterward to visit them. He called to their house telling them that he was coming over to pick something. He saw my car and me standing out in front, and he turned around in the driveway and left. I've called about 5 times over the course of 3 weeks, he wouldn't return my phone calls.
Turns out, he found out I'm gay. I'm at a loss as of what to do. He won't talk to me. I have been feeling that something funny was going on, but after my mom confirmed it, it makes sense. My mom has known for 3 years. My dad is a typical conservative Oklahoman. He's honestly brilliant, but I've heard him make many jokes about homosexuals, in front of me. Well, he used the term faggots. And he always talked about how he hated them. He found out that a restaurant was run by two gay men, and he now refuses to eat there, even though the food is outstanding.
My dad and I have never been close, but it still feels like shit.
TheCoz From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 1, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2197 times:
He's obviously torn between his love for you, and his hatred for the homosexual lifestyle. That's got to be very difficult emotionally. If he know's what's right, he'll choose the love of his son over the hatred of homosexuality.
Ted747 From Australia, joined Jul 2003, 195 posts, RR: 2 Reply 2, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2196 times:
A best mate of mine told his parents whilst he was living with us that he was gay. His father in particular was devastated. The whole silent treatment thing and he even lived in another state. It took time but all is good now.
Mate - your dad needs time. Like the saying time heals everything. At least your have your Mum and I am sure you have a whole bunch of friends about to support you.
AC_A340 From Canada, joined Sep 1999, 2251 posts, RR: 2 Reply 3, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2192 times:
I'm sorry to hear that. It is really alarming how family members can't be more supportive and caring. While I don't have any advice for you since I've never been in your situation, all I can say is, I hope your dad comes around because you're still the same person and his son. I hope you can find a good support network..
TedTAce From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 4, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2188 times:
While I wish I knew what your situation was like first hand so I could properly empathize, the fact is I don't. I hope your dad 'wakes up'. Maybe a family function like Thanksgiving will 'force the issue'.
If your dad is as analytical as you say, stick with the facts, and keep your emotions as far away from it as possible. Tell him your sorry if he's dissapointed in you because you decieved him about being gay all this time, but let him know that your life is not something you choose. No son WANTS to let their parents down/dissapoint them; but this is life, not fairytale land..
Jean Leloup From Canada, joined Apr 2001, 2106 posts, RR: 23 Reply 5, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2187 times:
Indeed. I'm sure he really loves you, or else this wouldn't be so hard for him. If he has a good head on his shoulders, as you say, and if your mom is on your side, hopefully he'll come to his senses soon enough. Hang in there.
By the way, he didn't find out by perusing the latest a.net picture threads, did he?
AA777 From United States of America, joined May 1999, 2471 posts, RR: 31 Reply 9, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2154 times:
I'm really sorry to hear about all this. Remember that it is hard for him, but I'm sure he needs time and hopefully things will work themselves out. He needs to learn that people dont choose to be the way they are, and that it doesnt mean you are a bad person. I guess the only thing you should do is somehow apologise for not telling him sooner, because in my eyes thats the only thing he could have the right to be upset about. Although, even the anger / sadness that he may feel about that should be short-lived. He will gradually come to terms with it... but remember that he probably thought 'this could never happen to me' and that is what he must be grappling with. If he is as smart as you say he will come around over time. If you are closer with your mom then try to speak with her...she may be the best conduit between you and your dad for the moment. (obviously I dont know the dynamics of all of your relations with ur parents, but thats my guess at this point). I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. If ya need any advice feel free to ask,
UAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 11, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 2127 times:
Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.
It's been a secret I've kept to myself from time immemorial. But yes, I came out about 3 years ago, on A.net of all places, and gradually I've been more honest with other people and friends about it, and my mother. But my dad is one of those football luvin', beer drinkin', hunting and fishing chaps. Not really religious though, but a conservative thinker all the way.
TedTAce From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 15, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2104 times:
Quoting Springbok747 (Reply 10): but isn't being gay got to do with genetics? Or is it a choice? How does it work..?
Quoting UAL747 (Reply 11): Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.
Springbok, no one knows for "SURE". As UAL747 said, gay people don't choose it. I'm of that school of thought as I have yet to meet someone who has 'chosen' to be gay. Playing devils' advocate; the only 'problem' is we haven't scientifically proven it as an 'at birth' characteristic just yet.
Avek00 From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 4092 posts, RR: 18 Reply 18, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2077 times:
With respect, I'm actually siding *with* your Dad here. Conservative beliefs on homosexuality aside, he's probably extremely pissed that you weren't man enough to actually tell him face to face - instead, he had to find out that his son was gay through a third-party relative (or non-relative, perhaps). He thought he raised you better than that - good, bad, or ugly, you tell those who ought to know something major like that in person or even over the phone, and don't wait to have them hear it as gossip on the street.
That said, I wish you the best in finding rapproachment and understanding with your father.
UAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 19, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2065 times:
Quoting TedTAce (Reply 15): Playing devils' advocate; the only 'problem' is we haven't scientifically proven it as an 'at birth' characteristic just yet.
True, but it used to be in the DSM-IV book which is the diagnosis book for psychiatric disorders, but it has since been taken out and is not considered a psychiatric disorder.
I think that if you talk with gay people, many of them will reflect on their pre-pubescent years and realize that something was different, but usually it takes puberty and a cognitive growing "if you will" to come to the realization that you are gay. Most children are not congnitively capable of understanding if they are gay or not, and gender violations pre-puberty If that makes any sense. But as they become more cognitively aware of their sexuality, be it gay or straight, they can then look back on their childhood and see how some of the things, or perhaps all of the things they did were gender violations. (Note: Gender Violation is a term used is psychology. It neither has a negative or derogatory meaning).
TUNisia From United States of America, joined Aug 2004, 1834 posts, RR: 5 Reply 20, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2061 times:
Quoting UAL747 (Reply 11): Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.
I actually liked girls until 8th grade or so. I was in love with girls, a lot of them actually. But I think my first crush on a guy was in 5th grade. I never even kissed a guy (seriously) until I was 17.
I'd get a lot of flack for my views on being gay and why I think I am, but this isn't the place for that.
Someday the sun will shine down on me in some faraway place - Mahalia Jackson
Searpqx From Netherlands, joined Jun 2000, 4343 posts, RR: 12 Reply 21, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2043 times:
UAL747 - My sympathy bud. I've been through this with my father twice. He is also very conservative (makes MD-90 and B757300 look liberal), plus he 'found religion' about twenty years ago. We didn't speak for a couple of years, faked being friends for a couple of years, then didn't speak for almost ten years. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about my dad, missing him terribly, then I'd instantly get furious that he could treat me like this.
Finally after a lot of soul searching I realized that I was as much to blame for the silence as he was. I was angry that he'd cut me off, so to punish him I wasn't going to make any attempt to bridge the gap. I finally decided that I'd reach out, and even if he didn't respond, I'd know that I'd left the door open. We have a relationship now, not as close as it was, and probably never will be again, but at least he knows I love him and I know he loves me, even if he can't come to grips with me being gay.
My point in telling you all this is - hang in there and don't burn any bridges. It hurts and its hard to deal with that, don't let the hurt turn into anger and no matter what, let him know that the door is open when he is ready. I really regret the years I lost with my dad.
Hang in there and good luck
"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity"
Wunala From Australia, joined Mar 2005, 939 posts, RR: 0 Reply 22, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 1972 times:
Sorry to hear that, but just give him time. He needs to work through it in his mind, and sort out what questions and answers he wants. There is no checklist, it would be easier if there was, but they all take it differently.
He may have temporarily cut you out of his life, but it doesnt meant that you have to. Contnue to see the rest of the familly as normal, and he will come around, and accept you for you. Maybe he is more upset about your mum knowing for 3 years, and other people knowing, and him felling he is the last to know.
There is no easy way for this, but given time, he will accept you, as you will accept him.
Senorcarnival From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 24, posted (7 years 11 months 2 weeks 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 1954 times:
Sorry to hear that your dad isn't more tolerant, after all, even if he does not agree with your lifestyle, you're still his son, regardless. Anyway, here's how my brother broke the news to us:
We always knew he was gay, from when he was very young, he'd rather hang out with girls and play with dolls than GI Joes. One day, he was about 19 or 20, he brought a "friend" over and we got the hint. So maybe you should talk to your mom to arrange a dinner and have you bring that "friend" (if you have one.)
25 QANTASforever: I don't think that's fair at all. It's unfortunate that his dad found out through a third party, but if he is as accepting and straightforward as you
26 September11: My dad is not a father to me anymore. He was married 3 times. Currently, he is married to a young lady just 5 years older than me.
27 Braybuddy: And he reacts by ignoring his son? He should have the courage to ask his son out straight (no pun intended). He's more than likely angry, not at his
28 Erikwilliam: well man, it´s not easy to accept this thing called sexuality, even worse when you like the same sex. As said above, it must be very frustrating to y
29 ZRH: It is sad to here this, I am sorry. But I am really asking myself if your dad still lives in the last century? It is known in our times that to be gay
30 ZRH: It is scientifically proven that to be gay is not chosen but be it since birth! The only organization which does not want to believe it is the Cathol
31 TWFirst: My thoughts... 1) Your dad is probably wondering if he did something "wrong" to make you gay. 2) Your dad might have deeply repressed gay inclinations
32 FlyAUA: UAL, I havent had time to read the entire thread cus I have my cousin visiting and I didn't want to be rude. Anyways, I've tucked her into bed and let
33 DucatiRacer: I went through a similar situation with my family, although it only took them about 3 days to get over not wanting to talk to me. The best advice I ca
34 UAL747: My mom sent me this email. (changed some of the stuff to take out names) She's so sweet! Philip, When I get loud with you I want you to realize what y
35 Jean Leloup: That's really nice, UAL747 - you're lucky to have your mom on your side so much! Try to take her advice! Jean Leloup
36 Yanksn4: It is scientifically proven that to be gay is not chosen but be it since birth! The only organization which does not want to believe it is the Catholi
37 Erikwilliam: ok, but then u have to say to the church to let the homos alone, and don´t say that they are going to hell or whatever ok?! Your mom seem to be a gr
38 Luv2fly: Worth repeating as very good advice! One day when sitting around comparing coming out stories, trust me you will even come to laugh about this. Trust
39 DL021: Possibility exists that he is both mad that you have deceived him and that he let you feel that you could not approach him with your life. From everyt
40 Diamond: UAL747, There are a couple of other real possibilities behind your father's attitude toward you. 1. He may be hurt that you've kept this a secret from
41 Luv2fly: I have to also agree with what Diamond said!
42 CurtisMan: UAL747, There may be many reasons why your father reacted the way he did. I don't know if you are asking for advice or not but here is my humble sugge
43 NUair: Talk about timing!! I had a somewhat similar experience when I was 18 and in my senior year of high school. When my father found out I was engaged to
44 Braybuddy: Says it all. Your mom is a strong woman and will no doubt bring everyone round to her way of thinking. Your dad probably needs a bit of time. He has
45 Ozvirginuk: UAL747, I really do feel for you. Although I never had the problem with my dad, that's because he pissed off when I was 10, never to be seen again (go
46 Avek00: Some more blunt, honest, politically incorrect, but truly well-intentioned advice: 1. Your role and ability in helping him cope and hopefully adjust t
47 N1120A: I think a dose of honesty is what is needed here. I know that as a straight man I will never know just how hard it is to come out but having helped se
48 ReguPilot: For UAL747: I really feel sorry for this (and I wonder why) but you knowing that your dad is as conservative as you said he is, you whould have expect
49 KLM685: UAL747, I know you'll probably won't read this what I am saying you. But anyway, here it goes: I think it's quite admirable what you are passing throu
50 UAL747: I am the only son ReguPilot. My dad and I have never gotten along. I've always been extremely scared of him. Even today the sound of his voice makes m
51 TedTAce: I kind of understand where you are comming from on this one. My Dad is a lawyer, and to say he's technologically incompetent is pretty fair,while I a
52 ReguPilot: Talk about good relationships! Seems your dad has carried along the problems with his dad.. and to top it all, he has also relied on Alcohol!! I had
53 AirxLiban: All I can say is that I wish you the best of luck in making the best of the situation.
54 AA777: Even today the sound of his voice makes me shudder. It's a hard thing to understand. My dad was never violent, well, I did see him throw a glass at my
55 AirxLiban: AA777 I have a similar situation with my father as you do with your dad, basically when I was young he spent 2 months in total of the year at home and
56 UAL747: AA777, my father and yours sound exactly alike as well as our situation. Very good advice and post. UAL
57 TWFirst: What utter bullshit. You're actually suggesting that UAL "respect" his father for treating UAL like shit because UAL "shattered his father's dreams"