Background to all this: Dartmouth College's Parking Operations staff gives out tickets for parking without a permit in permit parking. Students(like me) get charged $50 with the fine doubling after each offense. Faculty get charged $10. Visitors get charged $20.

I wish I had some Command Presence. Imagine if in my dealings with Dartmouth Parking Operations I got sound clips from Full Metal Jacket and had Gunnery Sergeant Hartman be my voice. I bet I could get a lot done. Here's the way such a call would go.

HS = Hapless Secretary
DP = Director of Parking Operations
GH = Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

HS: "Hello, Parking Operations. Elizabeth speaking, how may I direct your call?"

GH: (Click to play the sound clip)

HS: "Well, no, sir, actually, my parents just thought that Elizabeth was a pretty name."

GH:

Dead silence on the line as the secretary tries to compose herself.

GH:

HS: "Sir, how can I help you? Has your car been immobilized? Would you like to contest a ticket?"

GH:

HS: "Please hold for the Director of Parking Operations."

DP: "Good morning, sir, my name is Lawrence, the Director of Parking Operations. How can I help you?"

GH:

DP: "umm... OK. Now, my secretary tells me about a 'jelly donut'. Did one of our officers squash a jelly donut? How can we resolve this problem?"

GH: (Click the two sound clips in succession)

DP: "If you're referring to our policy of doubling fines on student cars parked illegally, there is no negotiation on that issue. You're just going to have to pay the fine."

GH:

DP: "I'm sorry sir. The Trustees make the rules. I just enforce them."

GH:

DP: "Oooh, I didn't know you were an underprivileged minority. I'm sorry, sir. If our parking officers were in any way discriminatory..."

GH:

DP: "Just send me your ticket and all the records of your violation and I'll have them all cancelled."

GH:



Sounds are courtesy of Mark Getty's Full Metal Jacket Page