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Friday Funny - More Viz Top Tips  
User currently offlineCornish From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2005, 8187 posts, RR: 54
Posted (9 years 2 months 3 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 6754 times:

Its a British thing.......

Love the one about Murderers and DHL Big grin


NEW VIZ TOP TIPS

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on
you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last :

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.


Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
2 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineAtco2b From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2005, 1114 posts, RR: 7
Reply 1, posted (9 years 2 months 3 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 6746 times:

LOL Very good... Big grin  Smile


Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
User currently offlineBMIFlyer From UK - England, joined Feb 2004, 8810 posts, RR: 58
Reply 2, posted (9 years 2 months 3 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 6759 times:

Ah lovely Big grin

Why the hell do you read Viz tho? lol



Lee



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