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A Message To All Americans From John Cleese  
User currently offlinePe@rson From United Kingdom, joined Jan 2001, 19097 posts, RR: 53
Posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1867 times:

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah,
which she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect :

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee')
and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "inter!
spersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't
have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a
US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understa!
ndable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last
1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of
confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.


"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
23 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineGkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24815 posts, RR: 56
Reply 1, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1847 times:

 rotfl 
You better be prepared to get  flamed  though  Wink



When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
User currently offlineSlamClick From United States of America, joined Nov 2003, 10062 posts, RR: 68
Reply 2, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1848 times:

Been tried twice already. Bring it!

He might not be "competent" but he does have a large standing military split in two major convenient locations, like bookends for your little islands.

(Your thread-starter has also been posted here at least twice)



Happiness is not seeing another trite Ste. Maarten photo all week long.
User currently offlineAndreas From Germany, joined Oct 2001, 6104 posts, RR: 32
Reply 3, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1829 times:

LOLOL....great...life can be so easy!  rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 


I know it's only VfB but I like it!
User currently offlineGkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24815 posts, RR: 56
Reply 4, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1816 times:

Quoting SlamClick (Reply 2):
Been tried twice already. Bring it!

He might not be "competent" but he does have a large standing military split in two major convenient locations, like bookends for your little islands.

(Your thread-starter has also been posted here at least twice)

Yes, but no doubt the American troops will end up attacking themselves if Iraq is anything to go by  Wink  duck 



When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
User currently offlineMatt27 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1817 times:

Always look at the bright side of life...... rotf 

User currently offlineNewark777 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 9348 posts, RR: 30
Reply 6, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1814 times:

If only the British were as strong as their words.  Wink

Harry



Why grab a Heine when you can grab a Busch?
User currently offlineCfalk From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1806 times:

I think I saw this after the 2000 election. Pretty funny.

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

I really agree with that part.

Charles

[Edited 2005-09-09 17:01:01]

User currently offlineAirbuzz From Canada, joined Jan 2009, 0 posts, RR: 0
Reply 8, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1782 times:

LOL  rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 

User currently offlineStall From Switzerland, joined Apr 2004, 257 posts, RR: 0
Reply 9, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1747 times:

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
You should stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like nancies).

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 



Flying is fun
User currently offlinePe@rson From United Kingdom, joined Jan 2001, 19097 posts, RR: 53
Reply 10, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1746 times:

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
6. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

LMAO.



"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
User currently offlineMoPac From United States of America, joined Sep 2003, 215 posts, RR: 0
Reply 11, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1745 times:

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
6. You should stop playing American "football".

Revolt!

Signed,

97.85% of America

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean

We already buy overpriced, arrogantly serviced, crap, unreliable, ingnorantly engineered (fuse box under condensation prone console cup holder) German cars.

Signed,

97.85% of Mercedes-Benz owners in America


User currently offlineNewark777 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 9348 posts, RR: 30
Reply 12, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1738 times:

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like nancies).


Sorry, beat you guys to the punch, I've been playing for quite some time now, at the college level.  Smile

And if you "take us over," at least allow us to show you how to brush your teeth.

Harry



Why grab a Heine when you can grab a Busch?
User currently offlineCfalk From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1727 times:

Quoting MoPac (Reply 11):
We already buy overpriced, arrogantly serviced, crap, unreliable, ingnorantly engineered (fuse box under condensation prone console cup holder) German cars.

Signed,

97.85% of Mercedes-Benz owners in America

Buy a BMW!


User currently offlineAndreas From Germany, joined Oct 2001, 6104 posts, RR: 32
Reply 14, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1722 times:

Quoting MoPac (Reply 11):
Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean

We already buy overpriced, arrogantly serviced, crap, unreliable, ingnorantly engineered (fuse box under condensation prone console cup holder) German cars.

See, I knew it..even then they won't understand!  Wink Big grin



I know it's only VfB but I like it!
User currently offlineFalcon84 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1709 times:

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football.

You cross the line there, partner!

Viva la Revilucion!  Big grin


User currently offlineJaysit From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 16, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1691 times:

Great.

Our rednecks will become chavis.

That's just what we need: Brittany Spears turning into Posh Spice.


User currently offlineTexan From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 4264 posts, RR: 52
Reply 17, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1686 times:

lol! Pretty funny list!

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
You should stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America.

There are a few other nations who play baseball; it's just that Europe can't figure out how to do it  Smile You can take away the professional football teams, just leave the college teams alone! Hook 'em Horns!

Texan



"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
User currently offlineMoPac From United States of America, joined Sep 2003, 215 posts, RR: 0
Reply 18, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1675 times:

Quoting Andreas (Reply 14):
See, I knew it..even then they won't understand!

Oh, yeah. Sorry...

We appreciate and savor the European cultural experience that is having a breakdown 155 miles from a dealership in the middle of the night because some nice man in Munich decided to over engineer an alternator.

 white 

Signed,

A very submissive American car buying public.


User currently offlineVSFullThrottle From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 280 posts, RR: 4
Reply 19, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1660 times:

Hey guys

That was absolutely bloody hilarious.

As a Brit living in the US, I usually get bagged on by my co-workers for my accent etc... I copied and E Mailed this to a lot of people in the office, they didnt find it too funny but I am still cracking up.........

Cheers for posting it....

VSFT



WOO WOO!!!
User currently offlineNUair From Malaysia, joined Jun 2000, 1181 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1649 times:

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
It is a difficult game

It's only a difficult game for the English  Smile

Sorry but I love bringing this up everytime someone has something to say about American SOCCER!

FIFA World Men's ranking (current as of August, in September we will be 5!)

1 Brazil 837
2 Argentina 782
3 Netherlands 780
4 Czech Republic 777
5 Mexico 770
6 USA 768
7 England 743

8 Spain 739
9 France 737
9 Portugal 737

FIFA World Women's ranking (current as of August)

1 Germany 2231
2 USA 2190
3 Norway 2092
4 Brazil 2053
5 France 2028
6 Sweden 2021
7 Korea DPR 1991
8 China PR 1985
9 Denmark 1973
10 Italy 1925




14 England 1865

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

What kind of taxes are you going to collect on this!

The Outstanding Public Debt as of 09 Sep 2005 at 03:56:58 PM GMT is:




"How Many Assholes we got on this ship?" - Lord Helmet
User currently offlineFalcon84 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 16 hours ago) and read 1646 times:

Quoting VSFullThrottle (Reply 19):
they didnt find it too funny

If they didn't find it funny, they haven't been lubed enough in a certain area, if you get the drift.  Silly


User currently offlineBMIFlyer From UK - England, joined Feb 2004, 8810 posts, RR: 60
Reply 22, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 1530 times:

Quoting Falcon84 (Reply 21):
If they didn't find it funny, they haven't been lubed enough in a certain area, if you get the drift.

 rotfl 


Lee



Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
User currently offlineKanebear From United States of America, joined May 2002, 953 posts, RR: 2
Reply 23, posted (8 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 1525 times:

Quoting Andreas (Reply 14):
See, I knew it..even then they won't understand!

Most of my fellow countrymen haven't figured out that cupholders HAVE NO PLACE in a proper driver's car. When in the car you're supposed to drive. You can listen to the radio... you can even make a brief handsfree phonecall. You can't : shave, read, have sex (while moving anyway, traffic jams are fine), eat, drink, watch a movie, do your nails, write, type, check your Email (unless the car reads it to you), go to the restroom, etc etc etc.


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