On the 21st of February at one twenty seven in the afternoon, a special event was to occur. It would be a sacred event, an event that would leave imprints on everyone whom I was to come into contact with – I was to call Singapore Airlines Limited to book a flight to Singapore for a jolly good oinking of Merlion.

As I picked up the phone, naturally the tension arose. I relaxed into my rejected Ultimo telephone chair and strummed by magnificently ardent red nail polish and listened to the most melodious sound in the world – “Welcome to Singapore Airlines. You call is important to us. Please hold the line”. My call was answered twenty six seconds later. Naturally, this was not because of the fact that I was put on hold, but rather that the reservations staff had to run to fetch the General Manager of UK operations, so as to ensure my incredibly important reservation was to be executed as quickly, efficiently and professionally as possible.

My heart literally turned to butter as the GM picked up the phone – the smoothness of his fabulously broad Singaporean accent was orgasmic and I stuttered at the thought of this great man occupying British territory so close to my KrisHouse. Today the GM was unfortunately very busy because his corporate golf day had been postponed and his lunch at Gordon Ramsey cancelled because SIA couldn’t afford to pay for his taxi., meaning he had to stay in the office to entertain the secretaries. For shame.

But the GM was full of his usual marvellous wisdom and he had specially hatched a cunning plan that only Singapore Airlines Limited – A member of star alliance could possibly hatch, given their considerably superior intellect over everyone else in the community.

The GM stated that he thought it would be best for me not to travel on SIA to Singapore, but instead travel on Cathay Pacific – yes THAT horrid de facto carrier – but only for intelligence purposes. But I knew there was a hidden meaning. It was a code: SABOTAGE.

That evening I of course went to church as I am a deeply religious soul and I carried out my usual daily prayers for Singapore Airlines – a Member of Star Alliance following closely the SIA prayer:

Our Cheong in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Our Spacebed on earth as it is at Airline House
Give us this day our daily Krisworld
Don’t’ Forgive us for we have no sinns
Save us from a time of recession and SARS
And deliver us from Silk Air
For thine is the power of the world forever and ever
Amen.

Church is a wonderful occasion, my children. It is a time to reflect on the brilliance of Singapore Airlines and importantly, provides a time for those who have been forced to carry out espionage by travelling on another airlines to confess their sins to the heavenly lord, our father, Cheong Choong Kong who reigns above like no ruler.

After returning home to my KrisHouse, as soon as I alighted from my car I could smell the most putrid smell I have ever smelt – alike excrement. Given my superior nasal ability from practicing Singapore Girl cabin announcements in the shower, I was soon able to decipher that this stench hailed from the letterbox. As I opened the letterbox my heart sunk and I almost fainted – for I had seen the most disgusting thing ever in my whole life, apart from seeing my father waltz around in a Singapore Airlines kebaya and then carry out the Full Monty atop the table. In my KrisLetterBox was a package from Cathay Pacific – a ticket – a vile realisation I care never ever to recite ever to my future children: Kris and Wise. At once I went to sleep, shaken, and awoke the next morning at dawn for prayers and offerings to Cheong.

I felt it best to ensure my packing was done as efficiently as possible prior to my evening departure. Usually, a Chief Stewardess is dispatched but this year, upon the apparent direction of the GM, two whole crews of stewards arrived at my house dressed in overalls in a very large truck. Interestingly, I heard two of these stewards snigger to each other that I would have a lovely time living in Hong Kong after they had moved every possession out of my house into sacred SIA containers. Oh what a sense of humour! I of course oinked them left right and centre and being stewards, they didn’t object either.

With my house empty, only a few priceless mementoes remained including my framed portrait of Dr Cheong atop the mantelpiece and my blow-up Singapore Girl which has been invaluable in refining my sexual technique. The Singapore Girl concept has been based on the ethos of the utmost customer service and remains a symbol of grace worldwide and I decided that I would carry these two special items with me personally so as to gloat to the Cathay “persons” of their gross inferiority or perhaps for some jiggery pokery along the way.

Later in the afternoon, a large truck arrived to transport me to the airport as SIA had decided that this form of large transport would be better than a little Rolls Royce or similar. Upon entering, I made myself at home and covered the floor with batik material which Cheong knitted for me after our last intense communiqué following his retirement. It was a long drive to the airport and unfortunately trucks of this size don’t come equipped with windows. Luckily though, I was able to hear the enormous cheers as we headed down the motorway. It is ever so heartening to me reminded of just how popular I really am and what respect I hold in the community.

Today I was to be taken directly to the aircraft instead of having to walk through the terminal amongst the effluence of Cathay passengers. Only one hitch whilst still under the holy stewardship of SIA employees arose: They parked next to the rear cargo door. I suspect that is because the stupid Cathay ground staff got disorientated and directed by driver to the wrong location. It was then that I wondered if this rubbishy aircraft would make it to horrid Hong Kong (HHH).

Alighting from my truck, I was disgusted at the appearance of the aircraft. Indeed, it looked as though it had emerged from Sewage Square in Kowloon. Climbing up the stairs to the aircraft was to produce more alarming realisations. Suddenly, the aircraft door slammed shut, smashing the portrait of Cheong. I was incensed at the mechanical failure of this aircraft before even stepping aboard and wept on the tarmac for five minutes.

Upon entering the tube that is called a cabin on Singapore Airlines Limited, that hideous stench returned and I could smell the body odour being emitted from the flight attendants. Dressed in a frightful mishmash of colours, the crew looked as though they had emerged from a kennel.

There and then I remembered my duty to Singapore Airlines and smartly dropped by pants to expel a large 7.65239 centimetre crap that I measured personally. Further, I analysed the composition of this excrement and found it to be worthy of distribution on a Cathay seat due to poor quality. But remember, this quality was not induced by myself, but rather the bad vibes experienced on this aircraft that had permeated by body. For those who are the ignorant fellows of our community, be warned that SIA is completely incapable of wrongdoing as it is a perfect company.

Trampling down the cabin I could see a path of gold and wondered how on earth such a sight could be seen on a CX aircraft. As I got closer I became terrified – a CX flight attendant had the audacity to use a holy SIA pen onboard. I snatched it from her and hit her across the head for acting so improperly and asked whether she knew how sacred this contrivance was. Obviously humbled by my presence, she bowed down and licked my toes, apologising profusely. I told her that she was scum and would never ever be able to find a husband.

As more and more excrement trundled aboard, the atmosphere worsened. My seat neighbour arrived: a thirty-something merchant banker from Hong Kong. Unfortunately the poor fellow was as thick as mud and he immediately regretted boarding Cathay Pacific after I greeted him. I suspect that it was my holy words that led him to believe that his airline choice was wrong. I continued talking to the chap but he didn’t show any enthusiasm. He seemed to be gritting his teeth and closing his eyes, obviously very nervous about flying on such a terrible airline. His dismay worsened further when I started a financial presentation on Singapore Airlines. It was cruel of me to continue, especially as he was too late to board SQ 321 for a holy SIA flight and would be stuck on terrible Cathay. I am sure he won’t make the mistake again.

We eventually took off and the cabin rattled like buggery, again demonstrating the poor maintenance of Cathay Pacific aircraft. Being a good neighbour, I tried to comfort my seat mate through the torment and fortunately for him, he swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills and drank from his flask of whiskey which he had carried aboard. Immediately he fell asleep and I sang the SIA lullaby to the poor child so that he would be out of his misery. Such a comforting melody no doubt improved the situation.

It was then that I decided that I should inform more sinners of their mistakes. I found a very little old Irish woman occupying 54B and shouted “Greetings from the SIA group!”. The old lady was shocked. I’m sure she had never seen such a celebrity in her whole life and she reached for her headphones, I suspect to demonstrate the rubbish being shown on the in-flight entertainment system. I continued with yet another financial presentation and she was deeply enthralled. Believe it or not, this demure little old woman was feisty though and I think I again touched a raw nerve by asking why she was travelling on Cathay Pacific. Unfortunately for the poor dear I think she was a woman from poverty and unable to afford to fly SIA. I felt sorry for this lady and I left her with a copy of my business card which she promptly tore up – probably to save herself depression from lamenting the great times on Singapore Airlines flights.

It was then that I raced of to the lavatory. I could barely fit through the door which was most inconvenient and of course not atypical of a Cathay aircraft. I scurried through the drawer looking desperately for sanitary napkins – yet there were none. I was panic stricken and wondered how I would be able to get through a 12-hour flight without them. Instead, I had to improvise with the sickeningly thin lavatory paper which thenceforth lined my underpants, an example of superlative contingency planning that only blessed SIA people would think of.

Whilst working hard in the lavatory, I missed the meal service of sordid Cathay food for which I was most thankful. I continued my meet and greet service and I am sure everyone was convinced of SIA’s superiority as they created little signs from their napkins that said ‘We know. Bugger off you twat.’ It was great to see that these people had gotten into the spirit of things and had a sense of humour despite understanding the seriousness their mistakes. This makes for great marketing. It was then that I realised what a good preacher I really am.

As the end of the flight loomed, I returned to my horrid seat and braced for impact. The landing was very smooth and so the stupid passengers thought that this was because of the skill of the pilots. On the contrary, this was because SIA had landed hard before my arrival so that a layer of cement would be removed, allowing my large buttocks not to be massaged by a hard landing.

I hope you understand the pain and agony I had to endure to inform you of the terrible nature of Hong Kong’s de facto airline. Should you need any tips on sanitary napkins, the avant-garde religion of SIA or on sexual tips for Dr Cheong, please have no hesitation in contacting me. You can also join my fan club.