AerLingus
Topic Author
Posts: 2280
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2000 9:22 am

Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 11:34 am

1. 'So, the psychiatrist says I'm a narcoleptic! What's that got to do with it!'
2.'Wow! I'm still hung over from last night's bender.'
3.'I think I'm colourblind.'
4.'There's a flock of seagulls on the runway...10 points for each one we can ingest!'
5.'Newark approach: What say we play Simon Says, eh?'
6.'Ladies and gentlemen, as this is a rather long flight, we will be flying into as much thermal turbulence as possible to keep things exciting.'
7.'My God, there's a monster on the wing! Oh, wait. That's just the first officer doing the walkaround.'
8.'La Guardia approach, we're low on fuel and we have zero visibility. I'll betcha twenty bucks I can make this approach!'
9.'Hey! Get off of the runway!'(Bangs on cockpit glass.)
10.'...and so I said, "How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to tailgate that DC-10?" '
Now it's your turn.
Get your patchouli stink outta my store!
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 11:53 am

11. Screw checklists! Lets wing it this time and see if we actually remember everything!
Chicks dig winglets.
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 11:56 am

True story here. A while ago I was taking a tour of UA ops at LAX, as I know one of there capts. We (The Capt, FO, an intern and I) where walking through the terminal to the airplane, talking about aerobatics. The Capt. was talking about inverted spins, the FO was telling us a story about when one of his students stalled the aircraft at the top of the enimemem and got them in a inverted spin! I can just imagen if any nervous passengers heard us talk about this, thinking they where going to do that in the airliner!
Iain
 
blink182
Posts: 5278
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 1999 3:09 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 12:05 pm

12.what does this instrument do?
13. oops, I didn't mean to push that!
14.(while on approach) lets race that other plane on approach that is ahead of us to our runway, loser buys lunch!
15.tower, we have a problem
16. cool! lets try that out man!
I will think of more!
rgds,
blink182
Give me a break, I created this username when I was a kid...
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 12:12 pm



'Nuff said 
 
N312RC
Posts: 2584
Joined: Mon Aug 28, 2000 10:58 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 12:34 pm

"I'm going to take a dump, then nail that new cute Flight Attendant"

LOL LOL!  )
N/A
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 1:28 pm

"Pressurization? We don't need that, I'm under enough pressure."
Mechanic: "Yep, just put on the new Firestones."  
"Wanna see what happens when I push the fuel-levers to 'off' at 35,000 feet?"

   
Corey777
 
ctbarnes
Posts: 3269
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2000 2:20 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 1:31 pm

17. "Mayday, Mayday"

18. God, how I miss flying an F-16

19. Here son, why don't you take the controls.

Charles
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
 
CPDC10-30
Posts: 4681
Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2000 4:30 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 2:34 pm

19. Here son, why don't you take the controls.

I wouldn't joke about that one, considering the Aeroflot A310 crash a number of years back...

My additions:

"Its too warm to worry about icing"
"Pass me the screwdriver and wrench, would you?"
"Why does this stupid thing keep telling me to pull up?"
"Man, its drafty in here"
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 3:08 pm

19. Here son, why don't you take the controls
It is my understanding Qantas has got in some trouble over pilots letting passengers fly. I think on etook teh controls of a 767 for 20 minutes+.
Iain
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 3:21 pm

24. What is that haze?

25. Damn, I thought I turned that light off!

26. "Gear"... now what do you think that means?

27. It's just like a computer game!

28. Wheeeeeeeeeee!
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 6:00 pm

29. "Oh Shit! I'm on the wrong plane!"

30. "What do you mean: There is no autoland on this plane?"

31. "System Error: Windows has to shut down the plane? The computer's kidding, right?"

32. "Engine one on fire. Engine two failed. How many engines do we actually have?"

33."Wow! So many runways! I can't decide which one to land on!"

34. "Tower, what do you mean
35. "My head aches. Better turn that stupid noise off."

36. "So, which of the buttons is the self-destruction mechanism?"

37. "Are those fuel calculations pounds or litres. Oh never mind."
 
Danny
Posts: 3714
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 8:59 pm

38. "Hey, let's make it more challenging - let's land without the landing gear."

39. "Say, what's that stick in front of me?"

40. "Where do I get my granades at?"

41. "Where's the button that makes this thing fly?"

42. "I don't care if were on finals! I have to go to the can NOW!!!"

43. "Okay, let's see how many loops this Jumbo can make..."

44. "Hey, what goes up, must come down somehow..."

45. "LAX tower, this is fligh 666 requesting a tower buzz."

46. "Dammit, all I hear on the radio is these guys saying a lot of numbers...what frequency is K-ROCK at?"

47. "I don't care if the passengers haven't finished boarding! Close the door so we can get outta this dump!"

48. "In-flight entertainment? Sure, I can make a barrel-roll or two."

49. "Hey! Who called me a pilot? Take it back!"

50. "MTOWhat?"

Danny
 
Sonic
Posts: 1505
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2000 3:10 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 11:00 pm

51.We will crash!
52.AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
53.The plane will crash. Thanks for flying with our airlines. You should do it in your second life too.
54.(on runway) Where is the brakes?
55.I'm don't controling the situation!
56.(In 747) It is like an Avro!
57.Let's sleep. It's very boring job
58.(Paranoic Russian war pilot) I will turn off nav-lights. I want to fly unseen by USA!!!
59.Hey! There are jet engines! I thought we are in Beechcraft!
60.Bad plane! I will never flght with it! There are no any working system on-board!
61.It seems that the weight is too big to land. Let's drop some passengers.
62.Hey! I forgot turn-on Autopilot!
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Thu Nov 23, 2000 11:54 pm

Capt: Hey look when we reached a 1000Lbs fuel imbalance the plane tend to drop a wing.
FO: Errr... Manual limits fuel imbalance to 500Lbs.

Capt: Damn! That autoland thingy does very rough landing.
FO: Errr Capt'n ...This plane is not equipped with autoland.

Chinese captain after having problems with this aircraft: "That plane ill, we take other plane"
After getting on board the second aircraft: "That plane even more ill, we go back first plane!"

Nicolas
 
chris28_17
Posts: 1372
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2000 4:26 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 12:58 am

How come when i push the gas pedal the brake petal comes up?

Should these frayed wires that are hanging down be sparking like that?

EHh. thats only a slow fuel leak, its only a 2 hour flight we probably wont run out.
 
ctbarnes
Posts: 3269
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2000 2:20 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 1:56 am

19. Here son, why don't you take the controls.

Apologies for any nerves I struck on that one...

Charles
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
 
Thom@s
Posts: 11674
Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2000 2:03 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 2:00 am

63. Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the middle of some heavy turbulence, but I can assure you that everything is under control. Thank you. Right, I think they bought it John, hand me my parachute will you. Woops. Forgot to turn the intercom off.

64. (On final.) No way, a full house beats a flush.

65. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

66. Boy I shouldn't have had that 10'th Bloody Mary

67. Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, is there a doctor onboard?
5 minutes later: Ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, is there a doctor onboard? Oh very well, is there a pilot onboard then?

Thom@s
"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
 
ILUV767
Posts: 3035
Joined: Mon May 29, 2000 2:21 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 2:21 am

68. "Folks, this is your captain, we are going to play a game of geography trivia, if you can tell where we are, tell a flight attendant and recieve an extra packet of peanuts."

69. "Uh-oh"

70. "So thats what that button does."

 
sn330
Posts: 606
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:01 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 3:15 am

Hey Pedro, what does this thing do?

When talking to the control tower "Is this dominoes?, I need a large....."

When the pilot talks to ATC, he refers to them as "Mommy"

Gee, I knew I should have taken my Ritalin (or any other medicine) this morning.

Whoa, whiskey and cough syrup don't go together; then he starts hiccupping and snoring.
 
AerLingus
Topic Author
Posts: 2280
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2000 9:22 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 3:46 am

71.'Cincinnati approach, yer really startin' to get on my nerves! "Delta 1200, turn right, Delta 1200 turn right!" I'll tell you where you can stick that headset after I land!'
72.'Tower, we're bored! Can you send a follow me car to chase around the ramp?'
73.'What's that "E" on the fuel indicator?'
74.(On approach in a foreign country)'I can't understand a word he's saying!' (I know, it's actually happened.)
75.'DCA approach, request permission to buzz the White House.'
76.'What do you mean we left before the head F/A closed the door!?'
77.'I know I'm flying too low. I'm trying to see if I remembered to close the door to my garage when I left this morning!'
78.'I used to be a wing-walker. Wanna see?'
79.'It's awfully hot in here. Can you open the window?'
80.'ETOPS?! We don't need no stinking ETOPS!'

Get your patchouli stink outta my store!
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 7:43 am

81. Me Nombre es United 1556
 
Pacific
Posts: 1043
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2000 2:46 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 9:46 am

82. (over the intercom)The good news is that we're landing in 5 minutes, the bad news is that the airport is 10 minutes away, guess I should have let them top off the tank.

Pacific
 
ILUV767
Posts: 3035
Joined: Mon May 29, 2000 2:21 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 10:58 am

83. oops!
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Fri Nov 24, 2000 2:31 pm

This one actually happened.... a pilot on a smaller turboprop (like a SAAB 340 or brazilia) was informed that some of his passengers were nervous about flying on a smaller plane like that. So he goes over the intercom on the taxi out to the runway and says: "Ladies and gentlemen- this is your captain, I have been informed that there are a few of you on board that are nervous about flying on a small plane like this....i assure you there is nothing to be worried about. now if you will all lean over and look out the left side windows...we will tip over. Hahaha just kidding... thats just a joke among us pilots..... "
Chicks dig winglets.
 
AerLingus
Topic Author
Posts: 2280
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2000 9:22 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Sat Nov 25, 2000 2:53 am

True story: My mom was boarding a small aeroplane, a Brasalia or something. Then, the pilot asks my mom how much she weighs.
Get your patchouli stink outta my store!
 
jonnyboy
Posts: 211
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2000 1:19 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Sun Nov 26, 2000 9:39 am

84.
FO: Captain, thats it I'm taking over!
Cap.: Oh come on, everyone lies on their resume!

85.
(Thud of landing gear is heard)
'Two out of three ain't bad!'
 
AM
Posts: 598
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 1999 8:49 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Sun Nov 26, 2000 11:20 am

Not something you don't want to hear your pilot say. Just a true intercom pilot joke:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the passengers seated on the right side can now see the city of San Francisco... Passengers seated on the left side can see the passengers seated on the right side watching the city of San Francisco"
"... for there you have been and there you will long to return."
 
Guest

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Sun Nov 26, 2000 1:34 pm

I'm in a mood to test this ac's nose dive ability!

TurboTristar
 
AerLingus
Topic Author
Posts: 2280
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2000 9:22 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Sun Nov 26, 2000 1:38 pm

87. 'Have you ever seen those NASA videos where the plane drops and everyone is weightless? Well, I've always wanted to try that, so...'
Get your patchouli stink outta my store!
 
9A-CRO
Crew
Posts: 1529
Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2000 3:53 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Mon Nov 27, 2000 1:44 am

88. Now, where did I put taht fire extinguisher?
89. If that guy in 405 movie can land on higway, so can I.
90. It's hot, I am just going to open window. Oh no, it won't budge, I have to break it.
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward...
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Mon Nov 27, 2000 4:18 am

I'm going to put on this oxygen mask and smoke goggles and go to the coach bathroom. Lets see if anyone notices.....



Last but not least: "Who let the dogs out?"
Chicks dig winglets.
 
Ady
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2000 10:30 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Mon Nov 27, 2000 4:27 am

Did I mention our plane's tires are made by Firestone.
If u ever feel depressed about urself, just remember that at one time you were the most vicious sperm in ur group.
 
Pilot1113
Posts: 2276
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 1999 1:42 pm

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Mon Nov 27, 2000 7:01 am

"Welcome aboard flight 292 with service to Tampa.." when you're supposed to be on the flight to Chicago.

- Neil Harrison
 
N960AS
Posts: 435
Joined: Mon May 01, 2000 3:46 am

RE: Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say.

Mon Nov 27, 2000 9:50 am

Ha, ha, ha...
Ok this is true, one time I was on an AS flight from BUR to PDX on a MD-80 but it was Thanksgiving (I think '96) anyway it was windy and the plane was full so we'd be to heavy with full fuel so we were going to have to stop at OAK. Anyway on descent to OAK we heard over the loud speaker "Uh oh". I hadn't talked to the guy next to me but we both looked at eachother the second he said that. What an ice breaker I talked to him the whole rest of the way. He flew a lot so he knew the differences between types of 737s, very impressive.

One time I was flying from JFK-LAX and during the safety video it switched to salsa music for a few seconds and then started playing the same music the second we landed at LAX and all the way to the gate. Love those old AA 762s!

~N960AS

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