Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Thu Feb 15, 2001 8:59 pm

I am posting this in response to something that Charles (ctbarnes) mentioned on another thread.......that is....quotes of Paul Keating, the former Australian Prime Minister.

Paul really was the master of putdown, and wasn't afraid to use language to get his point across.

What other politician was able to raise the ire of the world-wide press like I am referring to him putting his arm around Queen Lizzie.

Anyway, read on ya scumbags.

On former Liberal and Opposition Leader (now Prime Minister), John Howard:

"What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him."

"...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition..."

(Of his 1986 leadership) "From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I'll do everything to crucify him."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'." (for those of you who don't know, John Howard was famous for years only for his eyebrows which looks like one)

"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."

"He has more hide than a team of elephants."

"The principle saboteur, the man with the cheap fistful of dollars."

"Come in sucker."

On former Labor Prime Minister, Bob Hawke:

"Now listen mate," [to John Browne, Minister of Sport, who was proposing a 110 per cent tax deduction for contributions to a Sports Foundation] "you're not getting 110 per cent. You can forget it. This is a fucking Boulevard Hotel special, this is. The trouble is we are dealing with a sports junkie here [gesturing towards Bob Hawke]. I go out for a piss and they pull this one on me. Well that's the last time I leave you two alone. From now on, I'm sticking to you two like shit to a blanket.

On Wilson "Iron Bar" Tuckey (Liberal politician):

"...You stupid foul-mouthed grub."

"Shut up! Sit down and shut up, you pig!"

"You boxhead you wouldn't know. You are flat out counting past ten."

On Former Leader of the Opposition, John Hewson:

(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce.

He always turns around when I drop one on him. He can't psychologically handle it.

I was implying that the Honorable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock - alive, but looking dead.

Yesterday, on a personal matter against me, we had old dozy over there, the Honourable Member for Wentworth.

I have a psychological hold over Hewson...He's like a stone statue in the cemetery.

I'm not going to be fairy flossed away as my opposite number, John Hewson, is prepared to be fairy flossed away by some spaced out, vacous ad agency.

I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity.

This is the sort of little-boy, stamp your foot stuff which comes from a financial yuppie when you shoe him into parliament.

Hewson's only made the grade on paid advertisements. He's put me under no pressure at all. The only one who's put us under pressure on any issue is Peacock. He's an old cynic and he goes for the issues. Hewson's on television a lot but he hasn't put me under any pressure.

On former Liberal Party Leader and Shadow Treasurer, Andrew Peacock:

"...what we have here is an intellectual rust bucket."

"He, as Foreign Minister, was swanning around the United States of America with Shirley MacLaine or trying to crash one of Ted Kennedy's parties...and he was trying to play statesman...while he swanned around, and then he made a cowardly attack upon the former Prime Minister before slinking back into his cabinet."

"...if this gutless spiv, and I refer to him as a gutless spiv..."

"...the Leader of the Opposition's inane stupidities."

"He could not rise above his own opportunism or his incapacity to lead."

"I suppose tha the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into th darkness."

"He represents nothing and nobody."

"You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew."

"The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing." "The Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation."

"We're not interested in the views of painted, perfumed gigolos."

"It is the first time the Honourable Gentleman has got out from under the sunlamp."

"Bib and Bub. The Leader of the Opposition and his Deputy."

"...a fop such as the present Leader of the Opposition."

On Former Shadow Treasurer, Jim Carlton:

Jim Carlton: "Madame Speaker I ask that the offensive term used by the Treasurer be withdrawn."

Keating: "I withdraw it. I wouldn't hurt his feelings for quids. The fact is that the farmer..."

Allen Rocher: "On a point of order Madame Speaker; Can you please inform the house whether the Treasurer withdrew his comment?"

Keating: "Of course I did. I wouldn't offend Old Rosie over there."

On Former Labor Prime Minister, Gough Whitlam:

"In terms of the Labor agenda this government has left every other Labor government bare arsed. No other government even gets within cooee of it. We have a cabinet which has a degree of economic sophistication which puts the Whitlam government into the cavemen class in economic terms."

On Former National Party Leader, Ian Sinclair:

"...this piece of vermin, the leader of the National Party."

"What we have as a leader of the National Party is a political carcass with a coat and tie on."

On Liberal, Ken Aldred:

"... the brain-damaged Honorable Member for Bruce made his first parliamentary contribution since being elected, by calling a quorum to silence me for three minutes."

On the National Party:

"...their existense is putrid. It is absolutely putrid."

"...the cowards of the National Party, the hillbillies of the National Party."

"...that vile constituency, the National Party, did nothing else but get its hands on the public purse."

On the Press:

"...Fucking animals."

"Laurie Oakes [is] a cane toad."

"Anyone who is impressed with himself because he has made Page One is sort of a shingle short."

"You (Richard Carleton) had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star...with a big cheque...and now you're on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that's for sure"

In conversation with a journalist:

Reporter: You don't talk to ordinary people!

Keating: "Who says I don't ? Who says I don't ? I mean I see as many people as perhaps anyone in public life could..."

Reporter: How long is it since you've been to Fyshwick Markets ?

Keating: "Not long, not long. In fact if you get down to woollies at Manuka on Saturday I'd probably run over you with a trolley as I did a journo recently."

On the Queen:

"I like the Queen... and I think she liked me"

On Graham Richardson:

"I like little Richo... but I don't want him anywhere near Kim Beazley"

On Independant, Steele Hall:

"The Honorable Member has been in so many parties he is a complete political harlot."

On NSW Liberal, Rosemary Foot:

"I will be ripping her into shreds...she can go and shoot her big mouth off in the Supreme Court. We'll see how she goes there."

On Former Labour politician, Jim McClelland (over the phone):

"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us."

On Mike Codd:

"Codd will be lucky to get a job cleaning shithouses if I ever become Prime Minister."

On Fund Managers:

"...these donkeys..."

"It must get right up their nose, quaffing down the red wine at these fashionable eateries in Bent Street and Collins Street, with the Prime Minister calling them donkeys - but donkeys they are."

On NSW Minister for Housing, Frank Walker:

"I'm always being attacked by delegate Walker. He's been attacking me ever since I used to touch him up in the [ALP] Youth Council 20 years ago."

To a Uni student protesting about fees:

"Go and get a job!"

On the Liberal Party:

"The Leader of the Opposition hurls all sorts of abuse at me, and all through question time those pansies over there want retractions of the things we've said about them. They are a bunch of nobodies going nowhere."
"Mr Speaker can I have some protection from the clowns on the front bench ?"

"...for the dullard on the front bench opposite"

"Mr Deputy Speaker, am I to be continually abused by the Honorable Member for Mitchell and the drone beside him, the Honorable Member for Braddon ?"

"Where you all come aguster is, over here we think we're born to rule you. And let me tell you this, it's been ingrained in me from childhood, I think my mission in life is to run you."

"You were heard in silence, so some of you SCUMBAGS on the front bench should wait a minute until you hear the responses from me."

"What really amuses me and almost makes me spew..."

"They have no ideas, no integrity and no ability."

"Damn them for being the cheats they are."

"You are frauds."

"...votes for coalition members who have always been cheats, cheats, cheats and will always be cheats, cheats, cheats and will always defend cheats, cheats, cheats."

"Honorable Members opposite are a joke."

"They are irrelevant, useless and immoral."

"...they insist on being mugs, Mr Speaker, absolute mugs."

"I'm not running a seminar for dullards on the other side."

"Those opposite could not operate a tart shop"

"These intellectual hoboes"

"This rabble opposite"

"...for the benefit of the blockheads opposite"

"If the dummies opposite will just shut up"

"Shut up for a moment. If you ask questions and want to hear answers, shut up."

"How thick these people are"

"These dummies and dimwits"

"Talk about desperadoes"

"These are the absolute gutter tactics of a mindless, useless, idealistic, unprincipled Opposition."

"The Opposition is such a motley, dishonest crew"

"...the cowboys on this front bench"

"It is just a slight of hand by a dingy party"

"The Opposition crowd could not raffle a chook in a pub"

"We will be rejecting the opportunist claptrap coming from the Opposition."

"Honorable Members opposite squeal like stuck pigs"

"...small time punk stuff coming from a punk Opposition."

"The animals on the other side"

My favourite Paul Keating quote is one which not only describes backbenchers, but ALL politicians. He said this in 1985 after backbenchers had complained about having to substantiate, for tax purposes, their electoral allowances (at this time he was the Australian treasurer):

If there was a university degree for greed, you cunts would all get first-class honours

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RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Thu Feb 15, 2001 9:13 pm

And you think our politicans are bad!?!

This guy makes Ted Kennedy look like Bozo the Clown.
My views as expressed above are my views alone and do not constitute the views of my employer.
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RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Thu Feb 15, 2001 11:38 pm


Knowing nought about the man or his party, I nonetheless like his forthright approach. No euphemistic ramblings here. What you hear, is what you get.
...three miles from BRONS, clear for the ILS one five approach...
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RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 12:41 am

LOL!!! I absolutely loved that!

BTW, when Keating touched the royal person, the British tabloids labelled him "The Lizard of Oz."

Keep smiling!

Charles, SJ
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy

RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 11:10 am

Thanks for brightening my day!

I'd forgotten what hoot parliament used to be when Keating was there. It used to be so funny, the libs hated him more than any other Labor leader I think. Coz he made all look like freaks.

Cheers scumbag! (One of his fav words I re-call.)


RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 12:51 pm


Ted Kennedy IS Bozo the Clown. George Bush is Krusty. And Clinton is Ronald McDonald. THEY ARE ALL CLOWNS.

None of them can come close to Keating, when it came to getting on the wrong side of him.

Watching the news use to be hilarious when he was about, because you would want to see who he had had a go at that day, and how smart arse his comments were.

But politicians are politicians and they ALL suck anyway.


You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Not only did he use to take the piss out of opposition politicians, but as you can see, he also used to take the piss out of his own party, lawyers, media, etc. Especially the media, used to lap it up, because it pretty much made them have to be on their toes.


It wasn't just any royal family member. IT WAS THE QUEEN. The one person who you don't touch like he did, and Aussie does it. Hail! Hail! to the Lizard! Hail!


Keating made the Libs looks like freaks? Geeze man, the Libs did a good enough job of that on their own.

Do you remember "The Late Show" on Channel 2 (The D Gen) when they used to really take the piss out of John Hewson... "I challenge the Prime Minister.....I challenge the Prime a wet newspaper beating contest".....use to love that show.

Charles....I don't know if you saw my follow-up on that other thread (you know the one with all the kiddies arguing about god knows what today)....well anyway, the following joke pretty much sums up Paul Keating:

Paul Keating rings up the Queen at Buckingham Palace. The Queen answers the phone and Paul says "Hey Lizzie, it's Paul, I am ringing to tell you I want to turn Australia into a Kingdom". The Queen replies (in her most regal accent), "I am sorry Paul, you cannot do that, for you are not a King". Paul stops and thinks for a moment, and thens says, "Hey Queenie, I think I will then turn Australia into an Empire." The Queen comes straight back and says, "But Paul, you cannot do that, because you are not an Emperor.....................why don't you just leave it what it is......a country"

:D Big grin Big grin
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RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 1:08 pm

 Big grin  Big grin  Big grin

Michael Foot said this of Disraeli, but I think a paraprase applies:

He is without any rival whatsoever the first comic genius who ever installed himself in ... (er, what's the Australian equivielent of 10 Downing street?).

Charles, SJ
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy

RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 1:43 pm

Yes Scotty, I do remember that TV program.

I also used to tape "Question Time" when they aired it on the ABC years ago to watch Paul. You wouldn't by any chance have any copies? It's too funny really!

My ex has mine, I don't feel like looking him up just at the moment.

Ha Ha.

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RE: Greatest Political Quotes (Australian)

Fri Feb 16, 2001 9:06 pm

I idolised keating

anyhow we have Queensland election tommorow Democrats arnt in my area so looks like its labour and Mr Beattie, Labour and Liberal are basiclly the same these days but personally I find Borbidge a whinging sissy

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