After careful analysis by top research scientists, and consultation of the National Farmers Union, a new, "more humane" plan of action has been determined to rid the United Kingdom of mad cow disease and Foot and Mouth disease.
"We must still make ever effort to remove the infected cattle and sanitize affected areas. However, we will not be forced to destroy as many cattle as we originally thought. As it is, there are so many stupid cows in this country...we could not possibly destroy them all," Tony Blair said Thursday, in a press conference from 10 Downing Street.
Calling the plan a "triumph of diplomatic relations," Blair has reached an agreement with Ireland for the immediate sale of some of the contaminated cattle. This decision came after England's Health Secretary declared the beef fit for Irish Consumption. "Our top scientists did some tests on stray moggies in London's East End. The scientists are unsure as to whether Foot and Mouth will spread throughout Ireland, but they are almost 60% certain that Irish people who consume British beef will not die of fatal brain diseases."
Irish leaders were rather confused as to why Britain was offering the beef at such low prices, and were reluctant to accept, citing the current lack of a potato famine. "We aren't all gullible Kerrymen, like you Brits like to think. I detect some serious blarney here, and I suspect we won't be getting the best quality, but we'll take it all the same," Bertie Ahern said Friday.
Margaret Thatcher protested the decision, asking, "Has he (Blair) gone off his rocker? Someone needs to stick a foot in his mouth."
Tony Blair countered, "What else would you expect from that mad cow? Why won't she kick the bucket already??"
According to the plan, more than four million pounds of British beef will hit Irish grocery-store shelves later this week. "The British cattle is high in many essential nutrients, such as protein, iron and Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy," said Tony Blair during negotiations with Irish leaders. "Eat some ever day, micks!"
Blair will also be sending some of the cattle to Australia. "We will be using Qantas as the airline of transport. Giving their recent record in transporting animals, we feel the Aussies have nothing to worry about."
People in the United States have taken note of the England's plan. President Bush was quoted as saying, "Anything that keeps other countries from wantin' that fine Texan beefsteak is fine by me." President Bush also hopes that Odwalla Juices Inc. will consider exporting their goods to Ireland.
In other news, pop group N Sync issued a written statement Friday denying allegations that they have arranged for a "Lorena Bobbit-esque" fate for the members of Irish band U2. "We may be a little jealous that they got Record of the Year, but we certainly we wouldn't wish to inflict any of our afflictions on another group."