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It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Wed Apr 18, 2001 6:23 pm

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND--World Health Organization officials expressed disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.

Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the condition has no cure.

"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments, rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive failure on the part of the planet's health care workers.

"The inability of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total decomposition of the corpse is the result."

"What about the children?" the visibly moved Gretto added.

"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is beginning to seem possible that birth--as well as the subsequent life cycle that follows it--may be a serious safety risk for all those involved."

Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the non-dead as well.

Death (above) has long been considered humanity's number one health concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the condition has no cure.

"Those who suffer from death can be highly traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the emotional needs of their loved ones."

In the most serious cases of death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the 'vicious cycle' of death trauma continues indefinitely."

"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but nobody seems to actually be doing anything about it. I propose we stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits from it."

Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking down on death."

Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader agreed with Domenici.

"Why should we continue to spend billions of dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?" Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians. "That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough. I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"
The only thing you should feel when shooting a terrorist: Recoil.
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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Wed Apr 18, 2001 6:54 pm

LOL!  Laugh out loud

Just on a sidenote: a death rate of 100% would mean that 100% of all people die each year - having a life expectancy of 1 year sounds a bit too pessimistic to me...

Fun to read - thanks! I was half-expecting some ultra-right-wing gibberish with that topic.... On the other hand, considering what lawyers and politicians are like, maybe this IS serious ? Smile/happy/getting dizzy


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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Wed Apr 18, 2001 7:00 pm

Good one Cfalk  Smile/happy/getting dizzy
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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Wed Apr 18, 2001 10:29 pm

I was wondering what was so good about this topic that it has 5 stars. Know i see why the rating system is such a good idea Big grin

Nice one, EGGD
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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Thu Apr 19, 2001 2:44 am


Good one, man!

"Shaddap you!"

RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Fri Apr 20, 2001 10:36 am

LMAO2!  Big thumbs up

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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Fri Apr 20, 2001 12:18 pm

When I started reading, I knew it couldn't be serious, partiularly as it came from The Onion. The other giveaway is that the Director General of WHO is former Norwegan Prime Minister Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland.

However, as with all good satire, there is a certain element of truth. We Americans fear death. We try to do everything possible to recapture youth, increase life expectancy, and often times insist on extrordinary measures when someone is seriously ill, no matter what the burdens caused by treatment may be. Yet the end result is going to be the same. We are still going to die.

Does this mean we should halt medical research and scale back healthcare in such a fatalistic way? Of course not. Where the benefits of treatment outweight its burdens, treatment for illness should definately be undertaken. Yet at the same time it is unrealistic to assume we can cure everything all the time, and that more should be done to care for people with chronic or terminal illnesses. Admitting we cannot cure everything is not a sign of weakness on the part of medicine. It is a fact of life.

All good things to think about...

Charles, SJ
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
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RE: It's Time To Put A Stop To Health Care

Sat Apr 21, 2001 12:47 am

Don't forget there are whole industries based on illness and death. Ultimately there are too many vested interests to ever allow this to happen.  Big grin

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