It's very sad to hear that your going through this. I knew you were having a few problems, but I had no idea just how bad they were.
I've read a few responses but not all, I apologize if what I'm about to say has already been pointed out by others.
EGGD, you've been my friend since I first joined the forums. In fact I think you were one of the first people to respect me, me trying out a new username and a fresh start on the forum in which I happily reside now.
In fact, my friends on this forum are very special to me, as I am able to communicate and express feelings to forum members, who I consider friends, more than I ever could to my parents, to which most problems fall on deaf ears.
In my family, my father has alot of power and demands respect. He lives in his own mode, "The Williams Way" discipline and hard work, no emotional sidetracks and no wild dreams.
My mother is a wonderful person, my guiding light, my support when things go utterly wrong. But she leads a busy life. She has a demanding job, she has packaging, sorting, and arranging to do at home....she has little time for herself.
And my sister...God I love her dearly, but she's gropwing up, and she's getting more distant every day. She's nearly a teen now and it won't be long befor Big Brother, the one who taught her to read, soon fades into the background as she grows interested in boys and the people of Junior High.
This is a time of turmoil, you would think, and yet I'm still smiling.
Perhaps its in my nature, but I'm able to take all these hits at once and remain very happy, take a care-free approach to life.
I consider myself a "Social sponge", a term I think I might have coined. the meaning I have defined for it mean that I can take a hit, and soak it in, forgetting it ever happened.
I can wear my emotions on a sleeve, I can have the biggest heart, and yet, sometimes, and unfortunately, be a jerk, though rare, it happens...sometimes.
This is my life, and I see alot of parallels to yours.
Your parents give you quite a hard time. I have known for God-knows-how-long that your parents do not approve of nor support your hobbies. You don't have alot of enouragement, and you hurt, profusely, inside.
But look at who you are on the forum. You've always been the happy-go-lucky guy, the cool dude. Inside you know that's who you want to be in real life, but there's so many things that prevent it from happening. There's peer pressure and there's your parents. that in itself is the weight of the world. But then you have the knowledge that there's tons of work to do, and know it or not, your angry at yourself for not being able to concentrate.
Your lack of concentration is a direct result of your relationship with your parents. And your relationship with your peers stems from the EXACT SAME SOURCE.
First, your self-esteem is loweed by your parents, whether they intent to or not. They may not even realise that they are doing it. By weakening your confidence and drive, you are more open to insults and harsh treatment by your peers. It's a subconscious thing that they can pick up. they know a weak person when they see one, and most people don't even realise that we, as human beings, have this ablility, to see, vaguely, into someone else's emotions without even talking to them.
Now, weakened in two places, the mind will tend to blame itself for all that has happened. You think, whether you realise it or not, that you are the cause of all this trouble. As a result, you lash out against yourself. This "cutting" is merely one form of release that you have found yourself comfortable with. And yes, you are right, one hates loneliness and the "hate" music you describe reminds you of others wha are in pain. You have, in fact, become comfortable with pain.
You've entered a cycle you must break before you self-destruct.
Am I a psychologist? No, not at all, I think it's boring. I only read people the way I do for FRIENDS, as I think it helps them sort things out.
So why is it I know the things I do?
Cause I've been there. That's right. When I was younger, from about 3rd grade all the way through 7th grade, I was in nearly the same situation, though I was exposed to quite harsh conditions.
I had dreams which were shattered, and I had no social life. It seemed no one liked me. For four long years I had not one single friend. I was friendly enough, but I wasn't "popular" I didn't do things or talk like other people. I didn't "hang out".
I walked in my own world because I knew I didn't belong within the herd of cattle. I knew I had a different life to lead and I did. And I survived.
But I did get to the point where I was so depressed that I began killing myself. I attempted, in very childish ways, and fortunately never succeeded. In 8th grade, I dropped out of school, I couldn't take it anymore. I was on the verge of mental collapse for the loneliness and rejection which had become a constant part of my everyday existance.
And in that year, with just me and my parents...something changed....I found myself. Without the insults, the inferiority, and class system and cliques of Junior High, I began to realise who I really was inside, began to believe in myself again. My shattered dream was to become an astronaught. A cliche in itslef, but that is what I REALLY wanted to do. I had it planned, and I was alot smarter then than I am now. I could baffle my teachers with all that I KNEW. I won the PRESIDENTIAL AWARD FOR ACADEMIC ACHIVEMENT in my 6th grade year. I was two years ahead of my grade, according to my academic reports, but in the end it was peer pressure that destroyed me, and my dream along with it.
That year, 8th grade, I began building a new dream, a dream of flying. I always wanted to be above the earth, I felt that flying was the next best thing to space travel, and I went for it.
I re-entered school in 9th grade, and a stange thing happened. I had friends. I had a girlfriend. I was no more attractive than I had been in the years before what I call my "recovery period", or was I.
I was and you know why? Because the life was back, I was who I was supposed to be. Now that I had people I knew I could trust, I began looking at further ways to improve myself. I cut my hair, got contacts instead of glasses, and began working out. Now I wasn't a fat slob looking like something out of the 60s, I was a PERSON.
And I was happy, and I've been happy ever since. I now know and am friends with perhaps 200 people at my high school. I'm asked my opinions all the time by the school newspaper, people I've never met come to me for advise. I help friends out of trouble, repair relationships, and generally just am a nice guy. Not to put myself up, but that is what has happened.
At work, I am the most social person there, and the youngest. there isn't aperson who comes throuhg my line at Kmart and doesn't leave without a smile. It just comes naturally.....and all because I found myself.
So, here is what I suggest you do, EGGD. Step back for a moment. Look at you life from an outside perspective. Imagine you are someone else.
go to school with as much confidence as you can muster. If you recive insults, ignore them. When you can't do that, ricochet the comment. That means if they shoot an insult at you, let it bite them in the ass. Pause for a moment, then say something clever that makes them look like an idiot for calling you one, or whatever you cna think of.
It ain't gonna happen overnight, it might take a year, but the more confidence and drive you have, the less apt they are to pick on you.
Also, smile. Smiling is the best medicine for anything. IF someone says "Here's the dork from Holland!" You say "That's right!" and give them the biggest smile you can, and don't let it look cheesy. You'll find, that even though the smile is fake, it makes you ahppy. PRetty soon, they won't be serious in their comments, but will soon taper off to just "Playing wiht you", and at that point, you can relax and joke with them. you've all the sudden made a friend. Once you reach that step, it's a free ride.
But, you do have your parents to contend with. Do what I do. Any thing that they say that degrades your passion for aviation and your other interests, take it with a grain of salt. Listen to them, then, once they are gone, remind them of just how little they know about your hobbies, and that, in two or three years, they'll see. when you're flying left seat for an airline and are making money off professional photographs, they'll see. They'll see that you didn't give up, you never gave up, you never gave up.
It is he who tries who makes it in the end. Put all your drive and energy into being who you are. It'll p[ay off in enourmous amounts.
Sorry about writing a book here but this is how I see it.
Don't do something stupid and end your life, because all you need to do is believe in yourself, and the results will be extraordinary.
Feel free to e-mail me if you like,