Topic Author
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Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 7:34 am


If you know me, you will probably have heard that i haven't been going through a particularly good time over the past couple of years. So much stuff has happened that really made me feel down.

I thought the worst was over by the time my dad came home, but i didn't do anything over the summer holidays, and quite often slept in until 4pm and went to bed at 5am. By the time i got back to school, things were going ok. It was nearly my birthday, and i felt quite happy. But then, everything started up again.

Firstly, i got a chance to go to Heathrow, but everything went wrong. I ended up with a load of hazy pictures, we had a great time but the whole reasons for going out and wasting money was so that i could get some decent pictures.

Meanwhile, back at school, everything had started to go pear shaped. Teachers started clogging us with homework, and the teasing i used to recieve, although i coped with it, started again on a much larger scale. Now its got to a point where i can't walk into a classroom without someone shouting some abuse at me. Not because they hate me, but just because i was born in Holland and a certain friend of mine decided to turn it into an insult. But now its all blown out of proportion.

I recieved my pictures back a couple of weeks ago, ones from Bristol and from LHR too. Some weren't bad, but just 5 days after i could've gotten a Minolta Dual Scan II but didn't, i found out that my scanner had an unfixable problem. Also, the film that i was using (and spent £200 on) wasn't any good accept in Perfect conditions. So, i was back to step 1, a vicous cycle. I had loads of film, not many trips to the airport, and all of the time in the wrong conditions.

So, you know what i thought, this hobby is the only thing that really keeps me going, so i started looking at Digital Cameras. I was taking my mind off homework to find ways of raising money, which also kept my mind off school and work i could not do, and the people who made school so hard. I found a way, to use monthly payments.

So, i still needed alot of money, i looked at Pyramid schemes, second paper rounds, selling stuff etc etc.

Still i was short, now, since we have had so many family grievements, my Parents had over £159,000 to spend. They were looking at a house to buy near a university that me and my brother could use while we attended, along with renting it out to 2 or 3 more people, but we both declined saying it was a bad idea.

My Dad had been talking about the Olympus E10 with me, and i was looking at the D30, so i thought he was quite interested in a camera, so if he bought it and then i payed all my money per month towards it it would be ok.

Back at school, we started on some work that i knew i'd chosen to do yet it wasn't for me, what i really needed was buisness and Media Studies instead of stupid History, Geography and Systems+Control. The work was alot harder, and most was pointless. Also, because i have very bad choice of words and offend alot of people with what i come out with, others started to either leave me out of things and tell it to my face, or just go behind me with my friends who had stood by me, (although they were the ones who brought half it on).

Meanwhile, i asked about the camera, and we ended in one huge argument. Which included my Mom coming out with some complete crap about the internet, because she is grossly mis-informed about it, and uses generalizations and accusations when she has never experienced it for herself. My Dad, while still not agreeing was alot better about it, and i think he half knew where i was coming from, still rejected it because he didn't know half the story. But it didn't make me feel any better because of my moms dominance of the situation, and just made me a whole lot worse with the crap she came out with.

Schoolwork had started to piss me off, with the vicous( i should learn to spell that word) cycle that was appearing, staying up late to try and forget about things and be happy, not getting enough sleep from late nights, going to school half asleep and not concentration, not listening how to do the work and then not being able to do the work, then worrying about it and staying up late worrying about it and then it goes round again.

Over the past week or so i have come very close to completely blowing it and going physco on somebody, i did once after someone through a conker which hit me in the face, i didn't particularly like the arrogant little twat so i ran over and hit him in the face. Normally, i would go to hit someone and then not, but this time i was so angry i couldn't really stop myself, i've nearly come up to that point a couple of times over the recent weeks, but luckily i never did.

So tonight i was really feeling down, also knowing that i might not be able to spot at my local airport ever again, which would make it almost impossible to ever carry on my hobby. Knowing that we might have to go without my Dad on holiday in December, not being able to take any pictures anywhere else without perfect conditions and not being able to go to school without having constant teasing and work that half of it that just goes in one side of my head and out the other.

So, i had to channel all the hate, rage and pain into one thing, there wasn't much i could think of to do, so lying there invitingly was my pen knife, i had cut myself alot of times with a pencil sharpner blade at school, just for fun. Because its not very sharp, it was ok, i didn't cut myself deep, or so that it would bleed any ammount, but i know if school and home gets any worse i might, and if i am in a rage i might. But at the moment i have no clue what to do.

It felt good, It didn't hurt, except for the burning afterwards, and i felt emotionally so much better after that. But cutting my arms and my wrists is not the way i want to carry on, especially not knowing what i could do with a sharper blade. I'd rather do something else but i am not entirely sure what.

I guess, i am one of these people who can get pretty darned depressed, at not really that much, i don't know what name is given to people with this problem, but half the time it makes me feel terrible.

Has anyone gone through the same sort of thing, but found a better solution? I know there will be an end if i hold out, but how rewarding would it be?

For the meantime, hurting myself is the easy solution, and i would do it again, i probably will do it again. I just want to stop.

And then there is drugs....
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 7:43 am

you seriously need to talk to someone DON'T HURT YOURSELF!
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:02 am


STOP. Some day, the sun will come out again. I am having a particularly hard few weeks too, the many dead in America, the shooting in my home country Switzerland, my favourite airlines going bankrupt, losing my non rev flights, a personal loss which I prefer not to discuss here, school is getting worse since most of my friends left etc..... the list is long but I am confident, that this can't last.

EGDD, please email me.

Goodbye SR-LX MD-11 / 6th of March 1991 to the 31st of October 2004
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:09 am


Sorry to hear things are not going so great lately... don't think you’re out of the ordinary, it just sounds like a lot of F*ed up things are happening at once and are manifesting themselves in this depression. I went through a similar period about 4 years ago when I was around your age, albeit for different reasons. It sounds cliché, but the only thing that makes it get better is time. And yes, it will be rewarding once you can look back at it and say I f*cking got through all that sh*t. Please don't hurt yourself, you are obviously a smart guy, and lots of people care about you! Feel free to email.


P.S. Iain, not everyone has things as easy as you, to recommend that a depressed person go to a bar is stupid... Lost my respect for you dude.

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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:14 am

I went through much the same stuff. I just wanted to be left alone, but I was a target and was made fun of relentlessly by kids at my school. What worked for me?
I moved, started over in a new school with new people. A fresh start stopped the idea of me being a target. I also started Wrestling, freestyle, like the olympics. You can inflict pain and recieve pain without concequences; It also gives you the confidence of knowing you could really beat the hell out of your antagonizers if need be. Wrestling's not the easiest sport, nor the most interesting, but It stopped me from cutting myself throughout my highschool years. I did cut myself before I moved, cut myself pretty deep on my arm, leaving a nasty scar, and once on my head. The scalp bleeds profusely.
I wish you the best of luck. One or two fights in a school year will not ruin your life, no matter what your teachers say.

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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:15 am


that is the wost advice I have ever heard. "Go to the Pub..."

That is just strupid.

Now, EGGD GO AND GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! At school, at a doctors office, anything!
Don't listen to anyone else. If you are that depressed, then go het some professional help.
Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten, Uptown, what now? Lets make it happen.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:23 am

I agree with 174thfwff ..
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:26 am

Ok. Stop what ever you're doing. And go. Get. Help. I'm not the best advice giver, and I don't know how it feels to be desperate enough to cut myself, but if HS Health has taught me (Like in the USA special "Cutting Secrets"), you need to get help.

Right now is a tough time for us all. I live 30 minutes away from NYC, and that one black day in September changed everything so quickly. Luckily, none of my family or direct friends were killed, but some people from my school have been effected... the funerals held for the firefighters and policemen are right in my town.
In that one day, all my teenage junior year things were completely turned around. Italy and Greece, the one trip I've been looking forward to, my mom pulled me out. I doubt I'll go on a plane in the next few years. I was asked to attended a Journalism seminar in the city, my mom won't let me go, she's afraid of the city. My grandma was going to come visit, she won't come down, she's afraid. I've been having nightmares here and there, I just had one last night, how I watched on the news: "Something Bigger has Collapsed" and I saw whatever building it was go down. It's been rough. I know these last few lines sounded like "pity me!", but I just wanted to let them out so you know that everyone's going through rough times, even if yours aren't related to the WTC.
You are given the best gift when you're born: your life. Make the most of it, times may seem crappy, but the light is there, everything will turn around. And please: Get Help.

RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:40 am

Maybe my pub suggestion was typically British! The pub over here is not jst a place to drink, but to hang out with friends and relax! I can see why you guys thought my comments where innapropiate, I too strongly suggest EGGD to seek help! Hurting yourself will not solve anything, speak to some one you trust!!!
PS I have been to that place tonight.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:49 am

No Iain,
That suggestion wasn't British, but however I think it's you trying to cover up a stupid post.I am British, and that is pretty offensive. how about say that you made a mistake.
Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten, Uptown, what now? Lets make it happen.
Topic Author
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 8:55 am

Please don't speak of Iain so harshly, after all he was only making a suggestion.

Seeking help for me would be a last resort, most of the time i think coping with it myself was the best way to deal with it, but i am at a stage where i don't really know what could happen.

If anyone else has done this, no matter how much or little could they PLEASE CONTACT ME. If i would be capable of slitting my wrists in a rage, i would seek help IMMEDIATLY. But i don't see myself in any danger at the moment, i will ride it out over the next few weeks, if things deteriorate it might be time for serious action  Sad

Hope i don't end up in a loony bin, that'd be terrible

btw. You guys might not believe this, but listening to hate music helps SO MUCH, its quite hard to explain, but the lyrics and the music and the words show that other people feel pain too, these guys are not out to make music that people will buy, they are just making it to express their rage and depression in the most creative way they can. I was listening to some outtakes from Korn and Slipknot, you could TELL these guys weren't in it just for the music, there was so much underneath, and they all seemed to be hurting in some way. I couldn't say what, you could just here it in there voices.

RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 9:17 am

I stand by my pub comment, your profile says you live in NY, so I highly doubt you know about the village way of life. The pub is one of the most relaxing places over here, everyone seems so friendly. I know when I go back to Cali the closest thing I saw was a coffee shop, where people sit down and chill, talk, and enjoy! Pubs are not only about drinking, they are about friendship!
I Like To Fly
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 9:42 am

That is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Crying Dan, you are one of the most respected people here, so you are obviously a great person. There should be no reason to feel that bad about yourself. Everyone gets ridiculed somewhat in school, some more than others. It means nothing, people don't really hate you. If the name isn't too bad, turn it into a nickname & laugh it off. There was a group of people at my old school who thought it would be funny to make up a nickname for me that was "embarrassing" & called me it all the time. I went with it, even making a name tag one day. Everyone thought it was hilarious and it shows you aren't affected by that stuff. Now if it is truly something degrading, then tell them to stop or make something up for them. Don't just let your emotions bottle up & take it out on yourself. Fuck them, if someone is treating you that horribly then take it out on them. Call them names or just get revenge in some other way. I would much rather you take your anger out on them then on yourself, you don't deserve it. Maybe just explaining how much it bothers you will help, they might not realize you hate it so much. The bottom line is do something about it! Things may only get worse in you continue this cycle. About the camera and your hobby... is it really that bad? I understand sometimes things seem much worse than they are, and I think that is what is happening. Tell your parents how important it is to you & request it as a Christmas present. I can't really comfort you about some of the other issues you mentioned, but surely things will get better. Smile/happy/getting dizzy Don't ponder all the bad things, you will just get more depressed. Give it all time & don't do anything stupid, you have to live with the bad times just as you enjoy the good times. Things might not get better for a long while, maybe years. But you are still young & have so much ahead of you. Don't screw it all up because at the moment things aren't going well. I didn't mean to ramble on this long, but I really feel bad for you & I wanted to let you know everyone hits times like this. Just ride out the storm and wait for the sunny times to return. Big thumbs up

About the "pub" argument. Honestly, if I feel bad I like to go party with friends, meet a girl, get wasted, and forget everything from that day. I know for me I no longer care about anything that is getting me down and it is just a night of good times. That's how I see it, but for some people that might make things worse, who knows. There are abviously better solitions, but it isn't necessarily a "bad" idea.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 10:15 am

Dan, don't get into drugs, but it is better than inflicting pain on yourself. My parents are exactly like yours. I thought about suicide many times as well and was not brave enough. So...just sift through it and things will get better.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 10:41 am

iain- You are making it sound as though us British are drinkers 24/7. There are many more places we go to to talk then just pubs. Resturants, soccer matches, the airport...

Getting help should be your first resort. Not your last.
Please, by the time you think you need help, it's going to be too late, and you will seem even more depressed.
Trust me, from a fellow teen. Get help now. It will make you feel alot better.

Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten, Uptown, what now? Lets make it happen.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 11:08 am

Dan, I would seek professional help as soon as possible. Don't end up resorting to injury to keep yourself calm. I, myself, have been going through problems like work (which stresses me out so much that I want to quit), school (homework in general), and my love life (I've given up looking for a girl). Only time will tell what will happen.

My freshman year in high school was difficult for me to find where I would be, so to speak, among the crowd. I fit in nicely sophomore year but in my junior, I started to show how really nice I am to everyone, especially to girls (and super complimentive). I am a senior right now and who knows what could happen in the coming weeks. Hopefully it'll be something good. As far as aviation goes, I've had no real problems with that except I've had to get rid of my plans to go to four airshows since May (four good ones!). Oh well.

Zinger Aviation Delta Oscar Tango Charlie Oscar Mike
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 11:41 am


You should try to break yourself out of your vicious cycle. The cycle seems to be what's bothering you right now. My general concept when things start to get too hectic is to take 15 minutes and prioritize my schedule for the next week. I make up a routine and stick to it, come hell or high water. Sticking to your routine gives you something to hold on to. As you check off items that get done each day, you'll feel a lot better.

Force yourself to sleep at 11:00 each evening and wake up early and eat breakfast. That'll help quite a lot with the schoolwork. Also, you can mend bridges with your parents if you just touch base with them every morning. Find something to talk about in the newspaper.

As for the school stuff, just grit your teeth and bear it. These assholes are not your equals and you should always remember that after you graduate you will hold the advantage over those SOBs. If you're in a better state of mind due to eating breakfast in the morning you'll be better able to take it.

You should also try to schedule your life so that you have something constructive to do. Find a charity or a newspaper or some sort of business venture where you get paid. You'll get to know people and you get paid. It's better than sulking, I can tell you.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 12:26 pm

Here's another suggestion - Volunteer work of some kind. It can be just a few hours a week.

For one thing, it often puts you in touch with people who are worse off than you and sometimes, that helps you to put things in perspective. Your life may not seem so bad after you learn of the hardships that others go through.

Also, you'd be helping out those in your community who are less fortunate than you and that should make you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself things don't seem so bad.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 12:29 pm

EGGD, just sometimes relax and take a deep breath. Just clear your mind. Just think what am I worrying about? Just do that and it will make you feel better.

RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 1:07 pm

Aloha, EGGD.

It's very sad to hear that your going through this. I knew you were having a few problems, but I had no idea just how bad they were.

I've read a few responses but not all, I apologize if what I'm about to say has already been pointed out by others.

EGGD, you've been my friend since I first joined the forums. In fact I think you were one of the first people to respect me, me trying out a new username and a fresh start on the forum in which I happily reside now.

In fact, my friends on this forum are very special to me, as I am able to communicate and express feelings to forum members, who I consider friends, more than I ever could to my parents, to which most problems fall on deaf ears.

In my family, my father has alot of power and demands respect. He lives in his own mode, "The Williams Way" discipline and hard work, no emotional sidetracks and no wild dreams.

My mother is a wonderful person, my guiding light, my support when things go utterly wrong. But she leads a busy life. She has a demanding job, she has packaging, sorting, and arranging to do at home....she has little time for herself.

And my sister...God I love her dearly, but she's gropwing up, and she's getting more distant every day. She's nearly a teen now and it won't be long befor Big Brother, the one who taught her to read, soon fades into the background as she grows interested in boys and the people of Junior High.

This is a time of turmoil, you would think, and yet I'm still smiling.

Perhaps its in my nature, but I'm able to take all these hits at once and remain very happy, take a care-free approach to life.

I consider myself a "Social sponge", a term I think I might have coined. the meaning I have defined for it mean that I can take a hit, and soak it in, forgetting it ever happened.

I can wear my emotions on a sleeve, I can have the biggest heart, and yet, sometimes, and unfortunately, be a jerk, though rare, it happens...sometimes.

This is my life, and I see alot of parallels to yours.

Your parents give you quite a hard time. I have known for God-knows-how-long that your parents do not approve of nor support your hobbies. You don't have alot of enouragement, and you hurt, profusely, inside.

But look at who you are on the forum. You've always been the happy-go-lucky guy, the cool dude. Inside you know that's who you want to be in real life, but there's so many things that prevent it from happening. There's peer pressure and there's your parents. that in itself is the weight of the world. But then you have the knowledge that there's tons of work to do, and know it or not, your angry at yourself for not being able to concentrate.

Your lack of concentration is a direct result of your relationship with your parents. And your relationship with your peers stems from the EXACT SAME SOURCE.

First, your self-esteem is loweed by your parents, whether they intent to or not. They may not even realise that they are doing it. By weakening your confidence and drive, you are more open to insults and harsh treatment by your peers. It's a subconscious thing that they can pick up. they know a weak person when they see one, and most people don't even realise that we, as human beings, have this ablility, to see, vaguely, into someone else's emotions without even talking to them.

Now, weakened in two places, the mind will tend to blame itself for all that has happened. You think, whether you realise it or not, that you are the cause of all this trouble. As a result, you lash out against yourself. This "cutting" is merely one form of release that you have found yourself comfortable with. And yes, you are right, one hates loneliness and the "hate" music you describe reminds you of others wha are in pain. You have, in fact, become comfortable with pain.

You've entered a cycle you must break before you self-destruct.

Am I a psychologist? No, not at all, I think it's boring. I only read people the way I do for FRIENDS, as I think it helps them sort things out.

So why is it I know the things I do?

Cause I've been there. That's right. When I was younger, from about 3rd grade all the way through 7th grade, I was in nearly the same situation, though I was exposed to quite harsh conditions.

I had dreams which were shattered, and I had no social life. It seemed no one liked me. For four long years I had not one single friend. I was friendly enough, but I wasn't "popular" I didn't do things or talk like other people. I didn't "hang out".

I walked in my own world because I knew I didn't belong within the herd of cattle. I knew I had a different life to lead and I did. And I survived.

But I did get to the point where I was so depressed that I began killing myself. I attempted, in very childish ways, and fortunately never succeeded. In 8th grade, I dropped out of school, I couldn't take it anymore. I was on the verge of mental collapse for the loneliness and rejection which had become a constant part of my everyday existance.

And in that year, with just me and my parents...something changed....I found myself. Without the insults, the inferiority, and class system and cliques of Junior High, I began to realise who I really was inside, began to believe in myself again. My shattered dream was to become an astronaught. A cliche in itslef, but that is what I REALLY wanted to do. I had it planned, and I was alot smarter then than I am now. I could baffle my teachers with all that I KNEW. I won the PRESIDENTIAL AWARD FOR ACADEMIC ACHIVEMENT in my 6th grade year. I was two years ahead of my grade, according to my academic reports, but in the end it was peer pressure that destroyed me, and my dream along with it.

That year, 8th grade, I began building a new dream, a dream of flying. I always wanted to be above the earth, I felt that flying was the next best thing to space travel, and I went for it.

I re-entered school in 9th grade, and a stange thing happened. I had friends. I had a girlfriend. I was no more attractive than I had been in the years before what I call my "recovery period", or was I.

I was and you know why? Because the life was back, I was who I was supposed to be. Now that I had people I knew I could trust, I began looking at further ways to improve myself. I cut my hair, got contacts instead of glasses, and began working out. Now I wasn't a fat slob looking like something out of the 60s, I was a PERSON.

And I was happy, and I've been happy ever since. I now know and am friends with perhaps 200 people at my high school. I'm asked my opinions all the time by the school newspaper, people I've never met come to me for advise. I help friends out of trouble, repair relationships, and generally just am a nice guy. Not to put myself up, but that is what has happened.

At work, I am the most social person there, and the youngest. there isn't aperson who comes throuhg my line at Kmart and doesn't leave without a smile. It just comes naturally.....and all because I found myself.

So, here is what I suggest you do, EGGD. Step back for a moment. Look at you life from an outside perspective. Imagine you are someone else.

go to school with as much confidence as you can muster. If you recive insults, ignore them. When you can't do that, ricochet the comment. That means if they shoot an insult at you, let it bite them in the ass. Pause for a moment, then say something clever that makes them look like an idiot for calling you one, or whatever you cna think of.

It ain't gonna happen overnight, it might take a year, but the more confidence and drive you have, the less apt they are to pick on you.

Also, smile. Smiling is the best medicine for anything. IF someone says "Here's the dork from Holland!" You say "That's right!" and give them the biggest smile you can, and don't let it look cheesy. You'll find, that even though the smile is fake, it makes you ahppy. PRetty soon, they won't be serious in their comments, but will soon taper off to just "Playing wiht you", and at that point, you can relax and joke with them. you've all the sudden made a friend. Once you reach that step, it's a free ride.

But, you do have your parents to contend with. Do what I do. Any thing that they say that degrades your passion for aviation and your other interests, take it with a grain of salt. Listen to them, then, once they are gone, remind them of just how little they know about your hobbies, and that, in two or three years, they'll see. when you're flying left seat for an airline and are making money off professional photographs, they'll see. They'll see that you didn't give up, you never gave up, you never gave up.

It is he who tries who makes it in the end. Put all your drive and energy into being who you are. It'll p[ay off in enourmous amounts.

Sorry about writing a book here but this is how I see it.

Don't do something stupid and end your life, because all you need to do is believe in yourself, and the results will be extraordinary.

Feel free to e-mail me if you like,

Aloha 737-200!!  Wink/being sarcastic

 Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love  Love


RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 1:08 pm

Also.....  Big grin

Forgive me for not throwing a few humorous lines into that post...I'm tired!!! Big grin

Aloha 737-200!!  Wink/being sarcastic
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 1:13 pm

Advice from mls515

About the teasing at school, if I could do it all over again I'd definately hit more people in the face. I mean, some people are just assholes and there isn't any other way to get through to them. Sure you'll get in trouble but you've got to do it at school for the humiliation effect. Just two things with this, don't use a weapon of any kind because that's a big time red flag and don't kick 'em in the balls, that's just a no-no.

About the digital camera and money thing....I guarantee you'll think in a few months that it was silly to stress over this. Material things just aren't worthy of your mental health. Try to live without it.

OK, school work does suck. It still sucks for me. I'm pondering whether or not I should graduate in May or continue with my studies longer to get my second degree. One suggestion, kinda off the track a little, but I'd definately look into going to uni in the USA if at all possible. I think the pace and intensity is so much more relaxed here. But anyway, in the short term, just try to stay after it. Make a weekly calender of what has to get done and when and try to stick to it. Procrastination is my biggest enemy. I don't know how the

And holy shit, I don't see why cutting yourself makes you feel better. I can only say that if it continues and goes on and on secretly, it will build up into something worse. Try to stop doing this! Maybe seeking help is the answer.

Drugs? I've never done any drugs so I don't know what they do for you, but I have seen what they do to other people, and as you probably know it isn't good. If you want to turn to drugs, go for the one drug that is legal and socially acceptable....alcohol. Be careful though. Some people can handle their booze, and some can't. And you can get into a lot of trouble so be careful.

You'll get through this,


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 1:50 pm

I see you have lots of friends here, so, not everything is bad. And all these friends gave good advices and also Iainhol is right when he tells you to smile! Smiling can change the world and our view from it.
My advice is one that I read already: talk to a doctor! He can lead you throught the right assistence.
And like others here, let me tell you a bit of me. I felt the same you are feeling for many years. One day I decided to go to a doctor and she told the name of a psychiatric. I went there and I can assure it was my best move. Don't be afraid! I suppose you have a doctor in school, so talk to him (her) and cry "HELP"!
I can assure you that hurting yourself or drugs, not only is the wrong way, but also there is a nice live ahead that deserves to be enjoyed!
All my best
We're Nuts
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 2:01 pm

Dan, if you turn to drugs I swear I will fly out to the UK just to kick your butt. Why f*ck up your life for 5 minutes of happiness (not giving much credit to the married folks here, am I...)? That's like digging your way out a hole, IT WILL ONLY GET YOU IN DEEPER.

I'm sure most people here will be on that plane with me.
Dear moderators: No.
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RE: Check Your E-mail

Tue Oct 09, 2001 3:06 pm

EGGD, check your e-mail. I sent you a message about this topic.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:06 pm

Stop going to school if the teasing is bad and tell your parents that the kids are insulting you. Putting up with it is not an option and chances are, nothing will stop the bullys even if they are warned by the school.

Second thing, tell your parents you want to move back to Holland. I too often encountered individuals who insulted my nationality(polish), even the few friends that I have. Sometimes its in fun(too them, but it still hurts) and when you know its abusive its even worse. So now our brand spankin' new house is complete in poland and we are moving back soon....and I couldn't be happier.

Remember, desperate times call for desperete measures.....its not worth killing yourself or the bully(it would result in going to jail for many, many years) for something that can be stopped quite easily.


RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:22 pm

YOU are important. call me 314-426-6424. ask for Chuck
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:36 pm

Dan, hurting yourself is NOT the answer to ANY PROBLEM.. Find someone to talk to, like a counselor or friend or even one of us.. Although we all don't always agree, I think most of us would be MORE than willing to help if you needed it.. (Anyone can correct me if I'm wrong..)

Lets do some sexy math. We add you, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 5:11 pm

Sorry I can't tell you much now, but in our student newspaper there was an article about the entire condition of cutting oneself - apparently, it is a pretty widespread problem. (somewhere around 0.4% of the population are affected) You should really seek advice about it, as should anyone affected, but if I remember correctly, it is usually not suicidal - it is an unusual way of stress and depression relief. Talking about it and reading about it might help you to understand it - and even stop it, to replace it with something less dangerous.

As for the pub thing: I think you're 16, right? So maybe you're a bit young for that. Alcohol never solves any problems anyway, right? And I doubt England is a culture of drunkards where the only site of social interaction is the fountain of drugs. Finding friends (flesh and blood ones as opposed to virtual ones) is a hard thing - I am not too successful at it, usually having no more than 1 or 2 or 3 at a time, sometimes even 0. But it can be done anywhere. All you need is effort and patience.

I know I have been depressed many times. The one thing that usually helped me is a fresh start: changing school or even only changing the class (e.g. by skipping a year). Often people you grow up with remember all the childish things and years of bullying you and it makes it easier for them to continue to bully you. If you go into a brand new class, there is hope that people are mature enough never to even START with it.

There is one thing you should not do, however: Do not become too bitter. In real life, I am way too cynical and sometimes sarcastic, mainly because I feel bitter about the world. It annoys people and has become a serious obstacle to friendships - and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to change yourself....

And about the hobbies: I love aviation. But I have no talent in taking pics. Since February, none of them have been accepted by this site. I still go spotting and take more pics, but mainly for myself. is just no longer accessible to anyone without much experience, a good and steady eye and hand, and high-quality equipment. You said you enjoyed the spotting trip: That's great. If the pics haven't come out too well, that does not render the trip useless. Sometimes it is too easy to try and understand the incredible sight of a plane landing by looking at it through a lens. Try looking at the plane without the camera - it can be even more impressive.

And you can always try to find other things that interest you. I love reading, and a few years ago I started reading Terry Pratchett books - I read all of them within a year and a half, and it was one of the best times of my life hobbywise, even if I neglected aviation for a while. The world is too diverse and interesting to concentrate on one small aspect of it.

I hope your life will improve soon - sometimes you can do something about it, sometimes you can only wait until the bad times run out in one or two years - and I hope you will have less problems with depression. It's a rather unpleasant and unproductive way to waste your time. Believe me, I know.


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Tue Oct 09, 2001 11:13 pm

EGGD, I'm so sorry that you are going through a tough time. Think there are thousands of users to help you. E-mail me if you want. Just take 3 deep breaths. You are not alone, there are other people going to or went through this stuff, like when I was in grade 5, everyone made fun of me because.. I don't know but some people are like that. Email me at Hope you will have some happy days soon!

BEST regards
hoons90 Big grin
The biggest mistake made by most human beings: Listening to only half, understanding just a quarter and telling double.
Topic Author
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 1:39 am

Ikarus - that is some interesting stuff. I could imagine 0.4% doing this sort of thing, i remember seeing someone on TV (a program about Depression) and he had so many scars on his arms. I hope that never happens to me, and all i want to achieve here is when i think there are other people out there feeling the same thing, as i said in another thread its NOT REAL unless you actually see these people. Thats why i came, and seeing people who have, or had the same problems makes me feel so much better, especially seeing how well they can cope with it.

As for putting a smile on my face, i do, and i can make it look like i don't have a care in the world when really i can be bitter and hateful.

Skychuck - I appreciate that, but unfortunetely i don't want to call, and that is the reason i posted this on the internet because it is the furthest away from my life i can get, and people i see and people who i am around every day don't know.

Another thing, changing school, facing up to everyone, taking my anger out on the people who do it to me, i think it will make me a bigger target, and now it is just playful that gets out of hand and unbearable, next it might be hurtful and violent. I don't want a 100% solution, just a way to cope.

Thanks for all the replies,


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 2:47 am

Being a senior in my high school I can understand what you're going through. Everyone gets abuse, you're not the only one. It happened to me in my junior year (which was last year). The best thing to do is to ignore the remarks and to be confident about yourself. High school is like this, that's why all of us wait for university where we can do our own thing and live life like we want to!
Proud to be an Assyrian!
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 3:17 am

EGGD, everybody here thought (including myself) how mature you are, but cutting yourself is very immature (or whatever you spell this hehehe) It wont make any problems disapear (sp again hehehe)
Remember, you cant always get what you want!

Take care,
One woman man
Lindy hehehe  Big grin
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 3:56 am

I am seriously surprised that some idiots in here (you know who Im talking about) dont tell you to go through with it, just as in the post about the lady wanting to commit suicide in Seattle.

I seriously dissagree with that, and hope that you get help. Dont sweat the small stuff. Life is to short. Enjoy it to the fullest.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 3:58 am

I'm being teased at school for being Russian because my dad has a travel agency that specializes in trips to Russia. Also some boys from another class sometimes come very close to me and say "Hey do you wan't to fuck me" or "Do you wan't to suck my dick" and things like that, i've coped with it and showed them the Finger and told them to Fuck Off. Also i've been to the headmaster's office telling what they have done and they have been punished. My parents are OK to me, they let me spend a lot of time on the Computer including Internet also my dad pays my film (although it usually is crappy Konica slide film).

Anyway here are my suggestions, feel free to contact me if you need any more help.

If someone calls you names tell them to shut up!
If that doesn't help maybe you can go and tell a teacher or the school headmaster and get punishments to these idiots. Or maybe tell your parents but i know that's hard, i haven't told about anything above to my parents.



Try to cope with it, if you can't switch school, i suppose it's going to be hard convincing your parents.

Try to tell your mom that there are so many good things on Internet and maybe show her it, maybe she'd understand then. Maybe you could show her

Try REALLY HARD to get your dad buy you the camera equipment you wan't try to get him buy you a reasonably priced SLR and a slide scanner, try to show him that you REALLY wan't them. Also showing could be helpful here. For film you could try maybe Fuji Sensia 2 100 which is cheaper and you get a better price/value (Processing included in the price, at least here in Finland), i've got many great pics with it but my dad's company's slide scanner has some kind of problem so i haven't been able to get them to

Zulu Alpha

RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 5:04 am

Hello Dan,

I've had it rough too my friend. I just moved from Los Angeles California to Toulouse France. Big change... My family's financial situation is pretty rough, we are all living in a tiny apartment. Since September 11th, I have felt terrible everyday. It is difficult for me to imagine people laughing now, like "how could you ever smile after something so horrible...". The event deeply affected me psychologically, I did some serious thinking about the world we live in, and if it was even worth living in at all. It just seems so horrible and terribly negative. I am going to a new school, I don't know anybody, and am constanty getting anti-american crap. I've been getting into fights with the perpetrators, and have been sinking like a brick with my grades. But you know what? When I walk home from school I listen to some piano(i like Phil Glass), (or any other music) and do some personal reflection, gather my thoughts and just say "Fuck it". I don't care about anyone else, because they don't matter right now. I'm just with myself. I think it's great that we are all (mostly) friends here, and we get to express ourselves with others who can relate to us. This site is wonderful.
Have a great day!  Smile
Have a great life...
-your friend Clovis
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 5:52 am

Geez, what is with people these days?

Aren't there ANY happy people out there? Man oh man.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 5:57 am

How supportive Transactoid  Yeah sure
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RE: Transactoid

Wed Oct 10, 2001 6:03 am

Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier?  Angry
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 6:08 am

EGGD stop it now!  Sad

Trust me, cutting yourself and taking drugs is not the easy way out, talking to someone is. Even simply thinking can do the trick, but don't do anything to yourself!

Try this weblink I found a few days ago when I was feeling down and out, please read through it:

After you read it come back here and tells us how you feel, okay?
The meaning of life is curiosity; we were put on this planet to explore opportunities.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 7:06 am

I think there are alot of people who would give alot to live your life. Take a while and think about it...
Think about all the positive things, not the negative. If there is some things you don't like about yourself, change them, after all, YOU are the only one who can change them.


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 7:22 am

I had a similar (although no self-mutilation) episode when I was your age. I was bullied at school and hated life. I threw myself into my books and studied like a madman to keep my mind off things. What actually happened was as a result I got good marks and got self esteem from my academic achievements. At that time some kids still teased me this time for being a swot, but what you will find is that as you get older people mature and you get a lot of kudos for academic achievements. Plus, my hard work got me good A levels and a good degree, and subsequently a good job. This is a hell of a lot more than I can say for those bullies who currently flit from menial job to menial job.

Dan, you are far too young to let this sh*t take over your life. Just remember, no matter how bad you feel now things do change rapidly in the future in ways you would never forsee. This episode, which gets you down now is something you WILL get over and you WILL get stronger for it so that when something similar in the future hits you will overcome it with ease.

Also, although I hate to say it - I have realised that parents and teachers are in the majority of cases absolutely right about what they say and the advice they give.

Please leave the razors alone mate. The feeling of 'detachment' from your angst it may give you short term will only make you feel bad in the long run (otherwise why would you post it on here).

Just try and do things you enjoy, just to make you feel a bit better. If you like films - go see a movie. If you have close friends, spend time with them. Once you do little things that start to make you feel better about yourself and the world you live in, your subconscious will realise that life isn't actually all that bad and you are capable of feeling happy. And from that point on you will learn to take control of how you feel.

I remember a post you wrote a while back (I think it was you). You said you were terrified of flying originally and were dreading a holiday flight you were going to take. And then the fateful day came and you loved the experience. Your fear was only a 'paper tiger' - no substance whatsoever. Once you had to face up to it you realised it was totally toothless and you actually enjoyed it! Bet you didn't think that was possible when you were spending all that time worrying about the flight! Think of your lack of self esteem and depression like this also mate. You will beat this and enjoy life, with the occasional sh*t bits intertwined just like everybody else has to go through.

Good luck mate - go get 'em!
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 7:52 am


There are a lot of people out there who you can talk to about your feelings.

Cutting (and other forms of self-mutilation) may get through the numbness to cause you to "feel again" but those ways are not the right answer. Depression steals your feelings from you but you will get them back. While I don't advocate hurting yourself, if you must do something, try pinching instead. You might bruise, but there's a lot less chance for serious harm. Some particularly sensitive places are your thigh and your chest above and below your collarbone.

Try going for a walk and consciously thinking about the wind on your face. Or go watch planes and consciously smell the fuel. Concentrate on using your senses.

If you've read any of my previous posts you know that I am a Christian. Depression is a state in which I often grow the most in my faith because it's all I've got to hold on to. If you believe in God at all, call on Him to help you in this moment. And it doesn't matter how many moments you call on Him, even if it's continuous I promise you He is there. I am praying for you and I pray most earnestly that you would feel the comforting Presence right now.

If you are sincere in your cry for help, God always answers. Perhaps your answer will come in the form of noticing something with one of your senses that delights your soul rather than hurts your body. Perhaps it will be noticing a bird flitting around a bush nearby, or the warm sun on your face. Whatever it is, allow God to show His love in even small ways. Because He does love you.

E-mail me if you want. I am praying for you.
Up, up and away!
Topic Author
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 8:14 am

Ryan - about doing things that i enjoy, over the last few weeks i seem to have been trying more and more to do that without realising, just to take my mind off work and school and people. I think that was half the problem when just about everything that i was invovled with in aviation went up the crapper. So when i tried to rectify that and it failed, i felt doubly crap.

Redngold - i am by far not religous, but i am wishing i was now even if i don't believe in God, just that knowledge that there is someone there that you can talk to is a great feeling, and thats why i think so many people believe in Christianity. In their minds they do not believe, but mentally knowing there is someone there makes life bearable.

Maybe i should open up to my parents, if they understand they might help me make my life outside of school happy enough to make my life inside school bearable.

At the moment, i come back from school tired, and just slump in front of the computer for 10 hours.

Yes that was me about dreading a holiday, back when i was 8, and i did absolutely love it!!!! Man, i would love to do that all over again Big grin

People generally helped me SO much today, and brought my self-esteem back up from a real low from yesterday.

I'd also like to say that last night was an EXTREME, it was like a complete one off situation where every single thing that could go wrong did, and collected together into one big rage, i counted how many insults were made towards me, by the end of the day it totalled over 225, and nearly 63 of them in one lesson. Today wasn't so bad but i sincerely think that i shouldn't have to go through this!! but then again, changing it may turn everyone against me for the worst, then i would be stuck in a terrible situation.

Lephron - that website is totally right, unfortunetely i found out quite alot of that the hard way, and some of the advice been given i have either done of my own accord or have been told to by others.

I do still get pissed off, i am still angry today. But some people have helped alot, everyone who has responded in a positive mannor, thats exactly what i needed, and i realize that now, whether it was advice or just someone to cheer me up or tell me that they have been through the same thing.

4 years ago, i was talking to an English teacher about my behaviour, i told her that i was easily led along by others, but she said that i was strong, and i chose to go with others. You know what, she was right. I don't know why this is significant at this time, i just feel it is. Maybe just like saying to myself that i can cope with this, is wrong, because no matter how strong, this needs to be sorted out by talking to others!!!


Topic Author
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 9:24 am

hhmmm, vicous cycle appearing again.

Keeping myself happy =

1.Air Travel

2.Airliner Photography

Air Travel should be ok, but the Photography is different altogether. Right, i have a few options, i could either save up for the D30, which when i recieved it would solve all my problems in that area, but until i recieved it i would not be able to do ANY planespotting with a camera, because buying films would just be using up all the money, and not doing this would mean it would not help my depression at all. OR i could carry on with the equipment i have, not ever get perfection, and if i keep the equipment then i will never get satisfactory results. Or i buy a new camera and new scanner, which i would still have to save for and would still only be temporary as i wouldn't be able to buy very much and still not be able to planespot in the worst of my depression.

So i am in a very bad position!


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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 9:49 am

OK- DON'T HURT YOURSELF! The places you're cutting have a lot of tendens, especially your fingers that I just happened to cut with an exacto knife accidentally. It cost me close to $4,000 dollars for all the medical bills, just for one cut, one finger, one accident. TALK TO SOMEONE! I had hard times too, just when I was younger- a phsychologist really can make you feel better! And don't be embarrassed to express your feelings. At times when I was 12, I went home and cried for hours thinking of all that had happened to me over the past week- it feels real good to get it out.

Do you have any hobbies? Wait, I shouldn't have even been dumb enough to ask that- AVIATION! DUH! Silly me. Anyways, when I'm feeling down I usually go back to planes, work on some models, read books, have some tea, and just sit and think. I socialize with my friends a lot more than I ever have, and it's a lot of fun when you find someone just right for you. My girlfriend is also a pilot...sort of... if you considder almost crashing a pilot, but we both email everyday. I met her on a pier in San Diego, and it turns out she was staying at the same resort as me! When we got back home to Arizona, it turns out she lives just a few streets down from me! She's totally hot and a complete babe- fun to be around, same interests. We talk so much the phonebills sky-rocketed. When we were in San Diego after we were done surfing we would go out, over the waves and play cards and just discuss our favorite authors and stuff. Ah, I'm getting in too much about me. Anyways, my point is if you have someone to talk to it helps a lot. I didn't talk a lot to people until now and it is so much more fun! You make a lot of friends if you talk to a lot of people, and the UK is a great place to take chicks out. Anyways, you know my email if you wanna chat-gotta go, my girlfriend's calling.... Bye!
BMW - The Ultimate Driving Machine
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 9:52 am

I know how it is though. I sometimes get made fun at too and it bothered me but I have other things to channel it out besides what you did. I liked your site too and it's nice. I might make one too when I get a chance.
I have a lot of friends in a lot of places( in school, online, outside near my house) and they help me a lot sometimes. When I get home sometimes I have a lot of homework to do and it's hard and tiring and I sometimes get depressed too when I get home later on. I had a lot of death in my family from next door neighbors to relatives and grandparents and I still think about it sometimes and it amkes me sad. When my grandmother died I was in 8th grade and it really touched me when those times when we went to visit her before she died and it was really painful too. And later on I usually think about it sometimes but I can go on. And when these terrorist attacks happened here in New York and Washington D.C. I was really saddened cause I never seen those things up close and it was really horrifying and sad to see the news channels have that on for almost a week playing the same thing over and over. I saw the whole thing when the second plane hit the other tower till they fell down on tv and it got kinda boring and sad to see it over and over and to hear them say that they found another dead body in the rubble. After all that I have to say through those tough times and some other ones I had people to talk to and I really like avaition too. I took lots of pictures and some are really good. I sometimes get rejection e mails from and it makes me mad too but I can still keep them too and make my own site. I also have Flight simulator 98 and I download lots of planes and it helps me a lot when i'm down or depressed I fly them to a lot of places on the game and it seems to relax me too. I also like to read avaition books and magazines too and look outside and see plane after plane go over my house cause I live near 2 airport flight paths and it gets really crowded. I have a lot of other hobbies that help me( including typing articles and stuff for when I'm depressed and it seems to help. I think that the avaition helps a lot cause that it leaves me away from my problems and concerns, it sorts of flys me away from my problems and I really like to travel too and go to the airport too. I also like to do trains too(train sets buildings, etc.) and it does the same thing like the avaitoin too. What I'm trying to say is do a hobby like avaition and something else that you like to do. It might drift you away from your problems. If you want to talk just E mail me ok?
"He was right, it is a screaming metal deathtrap!"-Cosmo (from the Fairly Oddparents)
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 10:49 am

You need to do something to get your problems off your mind!! It always works 4 me! Go on a trip! Have fun! Smile

RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 10:50 am

This may sound weird, but watch "Schindler's List" - whenever I'm down I watch that or something like it. It always puts MY problems into perspective. Of course, don't drink while you're watching it.....good luck.
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RE: Started Cutting Myself...

Wed Oct 10, 2001 11:12 am

Hey EGGD, the toughest years of my life were 13-15...where you are now. You're not a kid anymore but not an adult either. I would never want to relive those years. But 16-18 were vastly different and much better!

Chin up!

I dumped at the gybe mark in strong winds when I looked up at a Porter Q400 on finals. Can't stop spotting.

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