For all those of you with satellite TV you might like to tune in ....
05.30 "Rise and Shine - Exercising with Osama" Those of you with AK47s bring them to add weight to your arm extensions. We'll also be working on the lower body so you might like to bring your ammo boxes for the Step session.
06.00 Morning Prayers
08.30 Talitubbies. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. La-La & Po show how to grow Anthrax.
09.00 "Shouts of Praise" More prayers.
11.00 "Jihad's Army" The Kandahar-on-Sea home guard repel another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. Fraser has his hand hacked off for stealing some of Corporal Jones's sausages. Corporal Jones executived for possessing food of the devil.
12.00 "Ready, Steady, Shoot!" Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 "Panoramadan" The programme reports on America's plans to take over the world.
13.30 "Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife" Xena stays at home in a mask and does some cooking.
14.00 "Only Fools and Camels" Dhal-Boy offloads some dodgy Chinese rocket launchers to a bloke from Hizbollah.
14.30 "Green Peter" The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed. Also; three ways to burn a flag, and how to make a President Bush effigy.
15.00 "Madrasah Challenge" Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambar Gaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 "The Rock n Roll Years 629 AD" A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 "Question Time" Members of the public face awkward questions from religious leaders.
17.00 "Koranation Street" Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. Bennie has a wall pushed on top of him for being a homosexual.
17.30 "Middle-East Enders" The entire cast is beheaded for un-Islamic behaviour.
18.00 "Holiday" The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 "Top of the Prophets" Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 "Who wants to be a Mujahadin?" Mahmoud Tarrant asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, commit suicide, or ask the Islamic Council?
20.00 FILM: "Shariah's Angels" The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate and emancipate women.
21.30 "Big Brother" Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 "Shahs in their Eyes" More hopefuls imitate famous Muslim lunatics.
23.30 "They think it's Allah over" Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.
00.00 "When Imams attack" Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The film-makers were also secretly shot.
00.30 "The West Bank Show" Arts programme looking at anti-Israeli graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30 "Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer"
02.00 "A Book at Bedtime" The Koran. Again.
02.30 "The Sky At Night" What to see in the night sky during October. Includes B2 bombers, stealth fighters and Tomahawk missiles.
03.30 "Cell Block Infidel" Lifers (formerly Western journalists) compare notes on the pros and cons of dressing as a woman in Afghanistan.
04.30 "The Learning Zone" How to say the Koran forwards and backwards.