ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 10:20 pm

DIVORCE

Ok, here's the deal, my dad and mom have been fighting for over a month, and my mom has a problem with a gland in her throat. If it doesn't get better in 2 weeks, she's doing surgery. My mom approached me today saying this:

"Your dad and i have been fighting now, and he said to me earlier 'you are air to me"

As if that's not bad enough, they started fighting when my mom asked my dad what he did today.

I need help, we just bought a house together, and I know that they love each other, and I really don't want them to get a divorce.

1) What can i do to help?

2) Anyone here have divorced parents? What's it like?

ANY HELP WOULD BE NICE, thanks!
 
KROC
Posts: 18919
Joined: Mon May 08, 2000 11:19 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 10:43 pm

I have one kajor theory as to why they might be divorcing, but I shall keep it to myself.
 
skyhawk
Posts: 1011
Joined: Sat May 19, 2001 12:23 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 10:46 pm

I truly wish that I had some words of wisdom for you. Do you think that your mom is on edge(nervous) because she is thinking about the possibility of surgery? Surgery is a scary thing, if it were me, I know I would be very nervous. Your dad probably doesn't know how to handle it all either. You say you know he loves her right? Then if he's thinking about her surgery, then he's probably afraid of losing her, even though we both know that is non-existant. Do you know what I mean? My husband had an emergency appendectomy a few years ago and even though I knew the surgery was no big deal, I still got very upset over the whole thing. Maybe that is what your father is going through. I hope things work out for you, your mom, and of course your dad. Please let me know. God bless.
 
ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 10:54 pm

Skyhawk: Thanks
KROC: Any help would be hot.
 
American_4275
Posts: 1001
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 1999 1:11 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 10:56 pm

Oh man, I feel your pain. My parents fought a couple years back and they almost divorced, too. The fighting will stop after a while you just have to convince them to stay together. However, if it doesn't stop, it may be in your, and their, best interest to get a divorce. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. I hope to God you don't have to go through your parents getting a divorce. Good luck, man.

American_4275
 
KROC
Posts: 18919
Joined: Mon May 08, 2000 11:19 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 11:04 pm

Let me take a different approach. Sometimes divorce is neccessary change. I know. I am divorcing. I met the woman of my dreams at 18. By 24, she was nothing like the person I knew, and was doing me wrong every single day. In your case, your parents may be or have grown apart. It sucks that things like that happen, but when they do, divorce can become the only option for not only the parents, but the kids to maintain some type of semblance of a real normal life. I see you are in the 16-20 age group, so I would suggest you sit down with your mom, since she already mentioned something to you, and ask her to fill you in, so you know what really is going on. If you feel like you can, from there, once you are in the know, maybe talk to both your parents. If your parents do love each other and want to make it work, they should be open to suggestions that would help, like councling and such.
 
Aussiemite
Posts: 846
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2000 12:04 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 11:19 pm

my parents got divorced about 10 years ago and I am a perfectly adjusted person *twitch twitch*
actually it sucks bigtime.

about 2 years ago the talked about what happend and it turned out what actually happend was a complete and utter load of bullshit orchestrated by one of my aunties, they never had any major problems but the lies she told the family were quite incredible.

blame can also be placed on my parents for not talking it through although after what I heard I woudnt expect either to want to see each other.

the whole deal brought alot of uneccessary shit to our lives and although nothing will change whats happend I dont wish it upon anbody.

im going to bed, when i think about the past 10 years I don't enjoy my state of mind.
 
SQ325
Posts: 1274
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2001 7:54 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Sun Nov 25, 2001 11:39 pm

My parents are divorced since, what do I know.
For you as a Kid there are not a lot of possibilities.
the best but hardest, try to be as neutral as you can be.
It is a fight between your parents and you should try to avoid any involvement in that conflict.
I don't know what kind pf conflict your parents have, but if there is the decission made that they will get divorced, don't try to hold them together.
if they split it is better for them and for you.

regards SQ
 
ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 12:57 am

Well my mom just told me that the only reason they aren't divorcing is because I am young, and they want me to have a whole family or some shit. Anything I can do to help them?
 
Starship
Posts: 1038
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 1999 3:26 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 1:00 am

My parents fought solidly for 17 years and eventually split up when I was 19. Dinner time was often a traumatic affair with plates being flung across the diningroom like frisbies. Anyway divorce sucks, as does marriage - why do you think I'm still single? But then being single sucks too. Oh well - perhaps there is truth in the adage "life's a bitch - and then you die".
Behind every "no" is a "yes"
 
ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 1:07 am

Look guys, I need help, not your stories. Sorry, but this is a tough time for me.
 
CcrlR
Posts: 2187
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2001 9:24 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 1:22 am

I know how it is though. My parents divorced when I was little and I seen my father just a little and later on he called and sent me some stuff and I went with him too to different places. Divorce can be a tough time but stay cool and don't get in with them when they argue. If it needs to stop talk to your parents, someone, or a family counseler.
"He was right, it is a screaming metal deathtrap!"-Cosmo (from the Fairly Oddparents)
 
KROC
Posts: 18919
Joined: Mon May 08, 2000 11:19 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 3:43 am

2 people staying together for the sake of there kid causes more problems than if they were divorced. If this is a true case, then they need to go ahead and quit playing gamers and divorce, or put some effort into there marriage, get some councling, something!
 
Aeromexico495
Posts: 170
Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2001 11:51 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 5:59 am

1. Look just let this fight take its course. I learned not to get in parents' fights from lots of experience. And surely, God forbid, if your mom were to be doing surgery, your dad would at least care 12%. And later on things might get back to normal. And then thing get MORE than back to normal. If this does not work ask for like a conference between mom, dad, and you. See what is causing the problem and ways to prevent this.

2. If they are sleeping in the same room, DO NOT BUT IN!!!!!!!! This might be the only time in which both can see what damage they are doing to you.

3. If you get awards, show them to your parents while they are together in a room. Then they'll see what a (kid, child, teenager, adult) they have.

4. Put a pic of yourself in their room that is close to view. This way they will ahead of you.

5. Ask other relatives for help. This always helps n my parents' fight. Otherwise, call them.

Aeromexico495
 
seb146
Posts: 14050
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 6:23 am

My parents separated 7 years ago and the divorce was finalized this past February. They were miserable together but stayed in it for the kids. I hated growing up with all that tention and knowing that they would have been happier apart. They got married in the first place because that was what was expected of her and his first wife abandond him. For the past 7 years and up until his death in April, they would meet every Thursday for dinner, then go back to their respective apartments. This arrangement was best for them.
I think they are both a little stressed over the possibility of surgery. It's a scary thing. Maybe things have changed at his job and he's stressed about that but not telling her or she to him. It could be any number of things. What I would do is just remind them both that you are a human and it hurts you to hear them fighting. Let them know that if anything happens that you will be there for both of them but if either wants to spy on the other to count you out and stick to it. It will be rocky for a while, but no matter what happens, keep your head and just be there for both of them equaly.
Patriotic and Proud Liberal
 
deltaflyertoo
Posts: 1479
Joined: Tue Nov 14, 2000 3:18 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 7:40 am

Have they been fighting since you can ever remember? Or, is this relatively new with some more heated moments in the past couple of weeks? If it is the latter, I'm sure things will be fine. But, if they have been fighting since you were young, divorce may be best. Also, any marriage that stays together for the sake of the kids will always do more damage in the long run than if it is terminated now.
 
EIPremier
Posts: 1462
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2000 8:17 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Mon Nov 26, 2001 9:43 am

2 people staying together for the sake of there kid causes more problems than if they were divorced

Well, I have frequently pondered that question, because I believe this is exactly what my parents have chosen to do.

My parents have been married for nearly nearly thirty years, and apparently, their relationship was good for quite some time. However, to put it bluntly, my mother basically got sick of letting my father control her life. That occurred roughly ten years ago, and since then, their relationship has been very marginal. They now have separate beds, and no longer travel together or go out together. Just about every evening they get into some kind of argument, usually over some very trivial matter...even something as simple as the dinner menu. The two biggest factors at play here, IMHO, are arrogance and resentment. But yet, its the very pettiness of their grievances that I feel is responsible for their decision to stick it out.

I'd like to say it doesn't get to me, but it does in inconspicuous ways. The most obvious manifestation is in how I have a very difficult time focusing on almost anything when they are nearby. In order to study, I really have to cloister myself off in my room, far away from them. Also, the situation makes me reluctant to bring friends over to the house.

I do know one couple where the situation was even worse...ironically, it was my father's father and his wife. They actually got to the point where they would pass by each other within their house without even speaking. They got so that they lived totally separate lives. Once, my grandfather brought some friends from Mexico come to stay for two weeks and never even gave fore mention to his wife. There's a lot more I could say here, but I should probably just leave it at this.
 
ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Tue Nov 27, 2001 1:42 am

They started fighting about 2 weeeks ago.
 
Olympic A-340
Posts: 738
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2000 3:28 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Tue Nov 27, 2001 12:16 pm

Hey man,
I know exactly what you are going through. My parents seperated a year ago, and now my mom and I are in a new house. During the whole "escapades" (that is what I call the nights of constant screaming and verbal abuse), I found it best to leave myself out of the situation. If it gets REALLY bad, go and take a run or something to get your energy out. Usually this will help, if you get involved, you might say stupid things and just cause more trouble. One piece of advice, NEVER NEVER think it is your fault. It NEVER is-sometimes it is best for people to love each other, but not to live with each other. Ever since my parents seperated and started living different lives, they have developed a much better friendly relationship, and I have become closer to my father (who I loathed for quite a long while).
*Just be strong, and when it gets too rough never be embarrassed to call a friend or come on the forum and chat.
If you ever want to email me about anything just contact me at
Peace out dude  Smile
 
TWA902fly
Posts: 2869
Joined: Fri Dec 31, 1999 5:47 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Tue Nov 27, 2001 1:12 pm

Well I can't really say much to this. A lot of my friend's parents are divorced. They are normal people, and do not seem too upset about it. I know they are, but they have all learned to control it. I guess all I can tell you is Do Not Take Sides. it seems your mom has talked to you, i would not be on her side. or your dad's side. that might just make things worse. If you become attached to your mom your dad might think that no one needs him anyways.

hope that helps but i dont know too much.

twa902 chicago
life wasn't worth the balance, or the crumpled paper it was written on
 
Guest

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Tue Nov 27, 2001 1:38 pm

My parents recently celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary.... I'm afraid as soon as I'm out of the house the last bastion of their togetherness will deteriorate and they will get a divorce... scary times.
 
hkgspotter1
Posts: 5750
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 12:43 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Tue Nov 27, 2001 2:28 pm

My parents have. It sucks but you will get over it. Providing they can still talk to each other its not so bad.

I'm in Hong Kong and so is my Dad (By chance) My Mum is in the UK !.
 
QantasAirways
Posts: 1242
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 2:55 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Wed Nov 28, 2001 5:32 pm

My deepest sympathies go to you in this tough period.
I have experienced this (but my parents are still married), though I will not describe.
What I suggest, is that you just sit back and let it blow over. There will be a result, and I know you may think that it is stupid to just sit there, but I think its the best thing.

DO NOT BUT IN (as mentioned)
This makes things worse because e.g. your dad might think that you are siding with your mum, and she has turned you against him or vice versa.
I've heard a lot about this from friends and relatives, so please just take the advice.

If you have a school counsellor, I would advise you to go see them - you will feel much better after seeing them, but if you dont, I would really consider talking about it with someone you trust.
I know that it is hard to talk to people about your personal problems, but I think its best to calm yourself down.

Don't forget that posting on Airliners.net is not the best thing to do. We are just people, and we may only have the capacity to give you stories and/or useful advice that may not work in situations.
As you don't want to go into detail on the Internet (I suppose), I suggest you talk to someone that you feel comfortable revealing full details with.

My mother is a Guidance Counsellor if your wondering where I'm getting this, and if you like, you can email me at: Johannsflyingmachine@Hotmail.com as I would be happy to help in best ways I can.

Best of luck
Regards
QantasAirways
Spirit of Australia
 
hoons90
Posts: 3134
Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:15 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Wed Nov 28, 2001 7:35 pm

My parents are divorced and I can't stand it! Aargh!  Pissed
The biggest mistake made by most human beings: Listening to only half, understanding just a quarter and telling double.
 
ly772
Posts: 1269
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2001 9:33 pm

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Wed Nov 28, 2001 8:54 pm

They started talking, so maybe that's start?
 
KROC
Posts: 18919
Joined: Mon May 08, 2000 11:19 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Wed Nov 28, 2001 9:09 pm

Dude. You say your parents have been fighting or like 2 weeks or so. WHAT!? And that is causing them to automatically want a divorce? How irresponsible are these people? If they decide to part ways after at least trying outside things to resolve there differences, then thats one thing, but to fight for 2 weeks and call fo rdivorce. Come on. You outta go slap them around.

I really hope they work everything out, because a family is very important, for all members.
 
pba_durst
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2001 1:58 am

RE: I Think My Parents Are Going To

Thu Nov 29, 2001 1:18 am

Dude,

I feel for you. As a non-divorced father, I can't fully appreciate your pain.
Here is what I'd want my children to do/say if this were happening in my family:

(As mention before) Don't get into the fights. Your parents will have to work this out. Give them private time and space to hash out their problems. (Unless you've been playing one off the other, this is not your fault!)

Be honest, truthful, and openly communicative with them. Tell them how you feel about their fighting. Tell them that you're afraid of them splitting up. And so on. Be honest and direct. Don't close off your communications with them, even though you might feel like it.

Remind them of what your family has invested in itself! (Huh?) Yes, your family has probably invested 60 to over 100 man years of time in itself. You don't want to loose that, and in the middle of the fights, your parents might loose track that they have a lot invested in the family, including a future generation (YOU.)

Finally, pray for family healing. If you're involved in a church or synagogue, go together as a family. If you're not, consider that or family counseling or something similar to resolve the mental and emotional stress that is probably building in your family.

I know you care about your family and are smart. You've already taken the first step in resolving your family's problem by asking trusted(?) friends for help. Continue to do that privately with others who can help you, seeking only wise counsel. If you want to talk to me about it, feel free to email me.

All the best.
Mr. Durst

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