Guest

2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 8:42 am

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to
sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
 
KROC
Posts: 18919
Joined: Mon May 08, 2000 11:19 am

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 9:11 am

CLASSIC!
 
777236ER
Posts: 12213
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2001 7:10 am

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 9:15 am

A UK CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Labour culls them due to foot & mouth.
Your bone's got a little machine
 
delta-flyer
Posts: 2631
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2001 9:47 am

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 11:29 am

A SWEDISH CORPORATION:
You have no cows, but the government delivers milk to you every day.
"In God we trust, everyone else bring data"
 
EGGD
Posts: 11880
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2001 12:01 am

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 11:42 am

CUBAN CORPORATION:

You have 2 cows, but you deny their existence
 
ctbarnes
Posts: 3269
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2000 2:20 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 1:00 pm

Here are some more:

Hong Kong Corporation:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by a majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option for one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Jesuit apistolic work:

Your community has two cows. The superior, after agreement with his consulters, agrees to ask permission from Rome to donate the cows to an environmentally-friendly farm cooperative in Kansas on the grounds that keeping cattle is not an effective use of Jesuit manpower. Those who keep the cows can be assigned to more effective apostolates. The transaction is carried out and the community ends up buying milk at twice what it would have cost if they kept the cows in the first place. Big grin

Nothing like a little satire to keep finals week sane...

Charles, SJ
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
 
trickijedi
Posts: 3201
Joined: Sun May 13, 2001 4:35 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Sun Dec 09, 2001 2:09 pm

I've heard this before and it's still funny everytime I hear it!  Big thumbs up
Its better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than be in the air wishing you were on the ground. Fly safe!
 
EGGD
Posts: 11880
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2001 12:01 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 9:58 am

Cmon guys, got any more?
 
cba
Posts: 4228
Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2000 2:02 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 12:25 pm

IN THE FORMER USSR:
You have two cows. The government starts collecting some milk, then they take all the milk, then the cows too. When you ask why they took the cows, they say that it's for the good of the country, then claim the cows never existed and send you to Siberia.

 
Aussiemite
Posts: 846
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2000 12:04 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 12:37 pm

Australian cow:
The cow lives off the dole spends all day at the beach surfing and rooting young teenage calfs. It drinks excessive amounts of VB and smokes dope.
 
McRingRing
Posts: 1028
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2001 2:59 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 12:52 pm

Bill Clinton's Cows
One cow is constantly trying to bang the other cow.
B==============) ~~~~
 
cba
Posts: 4228
Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2000 2:02 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 12:56 pm

MAFIA COW:
Starts selling it's milk to make some money, then kills all the other cows in the area, then triples the price of its milk. It uses the extra money to go into the drug smuggling business, then buys a few casinos in Vegas.
 
We're Nuts
Posts: 4723
Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2000 6:12 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 1:15 pm

Mormons:
You have no cows, but they should be coming back real soon....
Dear moderators: No.
 
redngold
Posts: 6673
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2000 12:26 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 2:17 pm

I just read these to my friends and we're all practically ROTFL!

But I don't get the Mormon one... Unless it refers to missionaries?

Contemporary Artist:
You have two cows. You milk one cow and complain about how hard it is to milk the cow for so little, even though you have enough milk to drink. You kill the second cow, slice it finely, suspend the slices in formaldehyde, and call it your latest groundbreaking work.
(Apologies to Damien Hirst)

redngold
Up, up and away!
 
User avatar
OzarkD9S
Posts: 4763
Joined: Tue Oct 23, 2001 2:31 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 2:26 pm

Arkansas cows

You have two cows, you sell one cow and get a bull. the bull won't breed with the cow because they're not close "kin".
Coast to Coast and Border to Border, Ozark Flies YOUR Way!
 
We're Nuts
Posts: 4723
Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2000 6:12 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 3:49 pm

Oh come on Redn'Gold! Mormons believe that Jesus is on his way back. Maybe you had to live there. Oh well. Let me try again:

Conservative:
You have two cows. One eats less food, so you milk that one exclusively while the other gets fatter and fatter.
Dear moderators: No.
 
Guest

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 8:44 pm

Microsoft:
You steal Steve Job's two cows. release them as CowsXp! Soon you have mononoply on all cows.
AOL:
You stick a cow in the back of all known magazines.
HipHop:
You change the cows names to Sean "puffy" cow and the Notorious C.O.W. start rivalry between East coast cows and West coast cows.
Country Western:
Write sad song about how you lost your job , your wife and how your cows ran away.
L Ron Hubbard:
If you can visualise the cow you can be the cow. We are all one with the cow. Cows are all, all are cows.
Just a few I came up with.
 
Aussiemite
Posts: 846
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2000 12:04 am

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 9:25 pm

Gateway:
You have black and white cows but go bankrupt releasing yet more experienced and qualified people into an already overpopulates industry.
 
Guest

RE: 2 Cows

Mon Dec 10, 2001 9:26 pm

Here is a related anecdote from Ravi Zacharias:

The story was of a roving reporter conducting a survey from country to country. In America, the first stop, he asked a person on the street. " What is your opinion on the shortage of meat in the World?" The bemused American replied, "What is Shortage?"
Continuing in his single-minded survey, his next stop was in a deprived nation weighed down by the pain of famine. The reporter inquired, "What is your opinion on the shortage of meat in the World?" and the famished individual predictably responded, "What is meat?"
His third location was a country strangled by a dictatorial regime and there the reporter asked a person standing in a long line for food, " What is your opinion on the shortage of meat in the World?" Having been stripped of all individuality, the puzzled person intoned, " What is opinion?"
Finally the person ended up in the Middle East and quizzed a harried individual on his way to work, "What is your opinion on the shortage of meat in the World?" Wildly gesturing the Middle Easterner countered, "What is, what is?"
 
777236ER
Posts: 12213
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2001 7:10 am

RE: 2 Cows

Tue Dec 11, 2001 3:58 am

UK Coorperation part 2: [read my other post]

After susviving the foot and mouth farce, you get two more cows again. There's another BSE scare and those cows are slaughtered. Labour gives you billions. The Tories say it's all the EU's fault. The Lib Dems say taxes should be increased so everyone can have cows. Cows petition to EU court of human rites to stop the culling. EU agrees with the cows.
Your bone's got a little machine
 
JetService
Posts: 4611
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2000 1:12 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Tue Dec 11, 2001 5:18 am

UNION COWS:
Both cows refuse to give milk after 3 hours because they hit their quota. Then they play cards for 5 hours. Since the milk revenue is weak, farmer decides to go into the beef business.
"Shaddap you!"
 
EGGD
Posts: 11880
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2001 12:01 am

Wood

Tue Dec 11, 2001 8:04 am

hahahaha, did you make that up?

Regards

Dan (too 15 to say something funny(
 
JetService
Posts: 4611
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2000 1:12 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Tue Dec 11, 2001 10:06 am

EGGD, yep, inspired by friends that are union!  Big thumbs up
"Shaddap you!"
 
ctbarnes
Posts: 3269
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2000 2:20 pm

RE: 2 Cows

Tue Dec 11, 2001 1:14 pm

Slightly off topic, but hey, it's got cows in it:

"The public buys its opinions as it buys its meat or takes its milk, on the principle that it is cheaper to do this than to keep a cow."

-Samuel Butler

Charles, SJ
The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: sf260 and 14 guests