Matt D
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Posts: 8907
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 1999 6:00 am

This Bittersweet Time Of Year

Sat Dec 15, 2001 7:26 am

This topic will not mean much to any of you that are under 25. You just don't have the time, nor experience behind you for it to mean anything. But be pateint. As you get on in years and plod your way through life and experience the ups, downs, joys and sorrows, then it will make more sense.

This is that time of year that I always take as a bittersweet thing. It's the holidays and you look forward to time spent with loved ones and a time to celebrate.

But it is also that time of year where you sometimes need to stop and take a look around you and assess how your life is at the moment, and where you've gone through this last year. You feel excitement at the prospect of a "new" year and a "blank slate" and you wonder what it will bring.

And at the same time, you feel a certain sadness. Another year has come and gone. It is a year you will never get back. And you are only that much older.

Do you ever find yourself thinking about these things? Do you-like I do-during the Christmas or New Years celebrations-spend a few minutes alone hiding outside or in the corner just deep in thought? Maybe you'll let out a little chuckle...or a tear....or both...while talking to God, or The Spirit, or your alter ego-or whatever Higher Power you believe in.

Well, here we are, at the end of another year. And this is what is on my mind.

The sweet:

It's a fresh new year. What will 2002 bring?

I have paid off my car and am saving up for the new one that I plan to buy in the springtime.

I moved into a cool place with two friends.

I am secure in my job and I love it. All of the people I work with are really great and I hope to be with them for a long time to come.

I am content with my "new look" and have no regrets.

The bitter:

2001 is over. I will never see it again.

I am 28 years old and still have no prospects for achieving the one thing I want more than anything, the one thing I've never had:

a family of my own. All around me, my friends and relatives already are, or are getting married and starting families of their own. I still deep down feel a lot of resentment towards my parents for splitting up when I was so young. I was "cheated" out of so many things that have a direct impact on how I am today.

Even though I might be a tight fisted cheapskate, there is still that side of me that says there is nothing that I wouldn't do for the person(s) I truly care about. The only thing worse than knowing that I'm not going to be broke this Christmas is the fact that I have no one to buy anything for. And I also know that I will not be getting anything from anyone. This is why I volunteered to work a double shift on Christmas day. If I wasn't, I'd be out roaming around aimlessly on the freeways all depressed, with nowhere to go. I'd end up eating my Christmas dinner at a Dennys in Hemet-assuming that A) there is a Dennys in Hemet and B) it was open.

There is one, and only one woman in this world that I love: Michelle.

Even though her and I have been broken up for over a year, I still find that my thoughts keep coming back to her. And the thought of her being with someone else is something that sends the biggest chill down my spine and makes my stomach turn as though it was in a washing machine. I don't know what she's up to, and I'd rather not know.

Sept 11 stole a lifelong hobby away from me. I'm still having a hard time getting used to the notion of not travelling, hanging out at the airport, taking pictures, and spending obscene amounts of money on Gemini jets.

So how about you?

RE: This Bittersweet Time Of Year

Sat Dec 15, 2001 7:36 am

I have been thinking so much since 9/11, and have been real stressed out...the whole idea of terrirism is knawing me on the inside...I hate it...I have been depressed, and am still sad...
I try to figure out where the hell I'm going, why I do this work and not that, how should I act towrds this person...I just can't figure anything out right now...
Plus the world in general seems so fucked up... it seems so hoplessly wrong, that I can't see any purpose in life...
Whats the point in trying if tomorrow I could get blown up by some Islamic lunatics after Allah?

I cant even express my true self through this dang keyboard...

Good post MattD
Posts: 2047
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 1999 12:32 am

RE: This Bittersweet Time Of Year

Sat Dec 15, 2001 8:03 am

Matt D. and Leftseat...

Really good post. This semester at college has been really different. I went abroad last year, which plays somewhat of a role (and I don't have any regrets), but being back at school has just been different; everything since September has been different.

A friend and I share this theory that everyone in the world is f!@ed up in some sort of way. Even if you think you know those who are closest to you, you don't. I'm not really down with disclosing too much of my personal life here, but let's just say family issues have played a big part in how this semester has played out. I've had to re-evaluate friends, who I want to remain close to and who I don't care to be around/not be around anymore. I

'm at the end of my first semester of my senior year and I'm not anxious to be going home. I'd rather stay here at school with my friends, even if it means having the work to juggle things around. Since September, I've had very little to look forward to. I visited my buddies from my abroad program at another college, which was a blast. Then, I saw one of them again for a few days over Turkey break, and then I'll see 2 of them again for New Year's. Then the next big thing I'm looking forwrad to (besides being back at school w/ friends) is heading down to my Uncle's place in S.Florida for 10 days for spring break with all my best friends!!!

Anyway, back to has been a difficult time of year. I have my ups and downs and I seriously think the planets are misaligned. I saw a sign one day and it said "The world is not happy right now". True that.

Life is full of challenging hills. We have to take them one at a time and try not to dwell on the negative. I just hope 2002 is a better year.
Bonjour Chef!

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