Matt, I sent this to you 18 months ago, but for the others on the list that haven't seen it, it might present some light hearted humour.
Subject: HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
Material Safety Data Sheet
"Woman" - A Chemical Analysis
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6kg but may vary from 40kg -200kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
1. Surface usually covered in thin painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning and no apparent cause.
4. Insoluble in liquids but becomes malleable with saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
1. Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Others turn green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations providing they do not come into direct contact with any of the others.