The Osama bin Laden Tape Transcripts
The U.S. Government has been poring over the recently found tape of Osama bin Laden talking to Jimmy Shaykh and some of his cohorts about the attack on the World Trade Center. U.S. translators have been struggling with the poor quality of the audio to ensure that there is no misunderstanding of these basic facts: Osama knew about and planned the attack, he underestimated the damage, and he laughed at the fact that his martyrs had no idea what they were getting into. Over the past three months I've managed, from my twelve-hour-a-day exposure to the news networks, to pick up fluent knowledge of the Arabic language, so I thought I'd cross-check to make sure our boys didn't miss anything. They didn't--Osama's a guilty bastard who deserves less than a military tribunal; he deserves to be run face first through a food processor. Nonetheless, you may find my translation has certain nuances that are different than the one being presented on TV. Therefore, for the sake of history, I present my translation of the bin Laden tape.
Shaykh: (...inaudible...) You have given us weapons, you have given us hope and we thank Allah for you. May Allah bless you both at home and the camp. We asked the driver to take us, it was a night with a full moon, thanks be to Allah. The elderly... everybody praises what you did, the great action you did, which was first and foremost by the grace of Allah. This is the guidance of Allah and the blessed fruit of jihad.
Shaykh: May Allah bless you!
UBL: May Allah bless my sneeze, for bringing such a pious response!
Shaykh: May Allah bless you for your blessing of my blessing! May Allah bless the mucus of your sneeze, which I now see dribbling from your nose!
UBL: All praise be to Allah! [He wipes his nose with some loose cloth from Shaykh's turban] Did I get it all?
Shaykh: Allah be praised, there is still some on your beard!
UBL: All praise be to Allah! How about now?
Shaykh: You're good.
UBL: By the way, did I mention that I planned the attacks on the World Trade Center?
Shaykh: Yeah, it was a big hit with the fanatics!
UBL: What is the stand of the Mosques there (in Saudi Arabia)?
Shaykh: Honestly, they are very positive. Shaykh Al-Bahrani gave a good sermon in his class after the sunset prayers. It was videotaped and I was supposed to carry it with me, but I forgot to bring it.
UBL: You want to be careful with those videotapes.
Shaykh: What's the worst that can happen? Anyhoo…
UBL: Do not say anyhoo. I have issued a fatwa against anyone who says anyhoo.
Shaykh: (Describing the trip to the meeting) Anyway, they smuggled us and then I thought that we would be in different caves inside the mountains so I was surprised at the guest house and that it is very clean and comfortable. The place is clean and we are very comfortable.
UBL: (...Inaudible...) when people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse. But when they come into a house with a strong horse and a weak horse inside it, well, the horseshit becomes a little unbearable. That's why we keep the horses in the other room. Glad you like the place. I did the drapes myself.
Shaykh: Allah be praised and whatnot.
UBL: Did I tell you I know this guy who had a dream there was a soccer match between us and the Americans? And our team was all pilots? He wondered whether we were playing a soccer game or a pilot game.
Shaykh: What the hell is a pilot game?
UBL: That's what I was thinking. I had a dream the other night and you were in it and you were naked.
Unidentified Man Off Camera: Abd Al Rahman Al-(Ghamri) said he saw a vision, before the operation, a plane crashed into a tall building. He knew nothing about it.
Shaykh: Yeah, right. Everyone's a psychic, now.
UBL: I certainly knew something about it. I planned it. I had prior knowledge.
Shaykh: And the stupid Americans will never know!
[There follows about an hour of home movies, including footage of the visit to the helicopter site, children playing, and one unidentified man singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" at a karaoke Bar. Eventually, footage of the bin Laden meeting resumes.]
UBL: I totally underestimated the damage we would do. I also underestimated how angry it would make the Americans.
Shaykh: Yeah, they seem really pissed off!
UBL: You know who else was pissed off? The "martyrs" we had get on those planes. They thought it was a regular hijacking! Suckers! Wuh huh
huh huh! WUH HUH HUH HUH!! Screw those guys!
Shaykh: May Allah praise those screwed martyrs!
UBL: (reciting a poem) I witness that against the sharp blade They always faced difficulties and stood together... When the darkness comes upon us and we are bit by a Sharp tooth, I say..."Ouch! What's with the sharp tooth, you jerks!… and the tyrant Is freely wandering in our homes"...And from the battlefield vanished the brightness of swords and the horses, even the strong and the weak horse I was talking about before... And homes are flooded with blood…"
Shaykh: That's a real pretty poem. Um, you know, you've still got some snot in your beard. I thought you got it all, but damned if there isn't a big string left.
UBL: Praise Allah!
So there you have it. OBL never said half the stuff which we, the public, were lead to believe. I think those professional translators need to hang their heads in shame