God... anyone here ever realize how many times you can listen to one song - just one - for six or seven hours strait? I don't know what you guys do at your computers, but I've been up all night (it's 6 am here) just listening... who cares what to, but just one song.
And it was a bad day for me yesterday. It's hard being the only 18 year old you've ever met who doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. But, y'know, it feels good. It feels good because all that peer pressure is there, and you can see it, and point to it, and show yourself your friends who were all opposed to smoking and swore they'd never do drugs and thought wildly drunken parties were stupid... and now are no stranger to any. And none in their own right will destroy a person, but I sort of decided that maybe I would see if it was even possible to go it alone, because you know when you take that road that there aren't gonna' be many other cars.
But man - on a road with no cars, its amazing how you don't have to worry about getting run over or stressed out or pushed along when you don't really want to go.
Yeah - yesterday was a really hard day, 'cause people were bitching about everything and when they bitch they smoke, and when they smoke they talk, and I love to talk. I love to sit with people and let out thoughts and just vent and vent and dream and get it all out and have a good, wholesome conversation. And I stand there in the restaurant where I work making big dollars because they're all back in the break room in their cloud, and I'm, well... alone.
And people have to have some reason to hate other people, and if they don't, they're not cool. This is all teenage stuff, I guess. It's very mature, they think, to be totally opposed to another human being, to look at someone and in a totally adult voice say, "That hoe is such a f_cking b_tch." And the others nod and say, "Yeah, she's such a tramp." And they laugh and they know they're right.
So yesterday kinda' sucked 'cause it gets to a point sometimes where you just can't really stand it, knowing that they're all going to get laid with people they don't even know 'cause they're so drunk, knowing that they've been hi in their way, knowing that I'm going home to spend six hours at my computer talking to you guys (thanks
), knowing that I pretty much have chosen not to go down that road whether it's hard or not.
And yesterday I got a call from a modeling agency. They want me to go and try out for IMTA, the International Modeling and Talent Association. They have a big "thing" every six months and while auditions are pretty much open to anyone, I went to this agency a while ago and auditioned for them and they loved me and - yes, self, that's right, they loved you - and in two weeks I'm gonna' go have myself a singin', acting, cold-readin', runway-walkin' ball of a time.
And I have this wild dream, this weird dream, that someday - someday, I will be able to reach people and let them know that you don't have to smoke and drink and do drugs and get laid with people you don't even know... just to be cool.
Yesterday was hard, but the sun has just come up and I've spent six hours writing poems and songs and even designing my bloody airport a little bit.
I dunno' how much of this rambling makes sense, but I'm just glad I survived...
one more day.