well i tried doing this a couple of days ago but i didnt get very far.
It is quite personal and i dont know what i aim to achieve, and you dont have to read it. Here goes.
Well i am 19, ive dropped out from school twice, and i just cants see a future or a way out of it.
It all started when i was young i think, always being different and not really fitting in with people. Maybe it was the way i was baught up, it was a very violent and chaotic household. There was my dad, mum, older brother, me, my little brother and my little sister. We used to live in the north of england. It was quite a bad area, we were always harrassed by the local comunity simply because we were indian...... and they were pakistani. I have nothing against pakistanis though. It was maybe the way they were baught up, and knew nothing better than what they had been taught... that islam was everything, a way of life e.t.c and everything else was wrong. But im sure there were some missunderstandings on their part. Anyway, it was a constant struggle, trying to live day by day, but not to the point where we were confined to the compounds of our homes, just little things like we couldnt go out and play comfortably, or we were treated differently.
During this, there were domestic troubles within the family. Mum and Dad always used to fight, and argue.It was like the whole of my childhood went by with only the memories of just the bad incidents. Obviously it wasnt all bad.
Mum had taken us to hostels many times, or thrown my dad out of the house. This was due to many things, drinking and coming home violent e.t.c or dissagreements, arguements. Everything and anything. We went to hostels about 3 times, from the ages of about 3-9, between the years of say 1985 to 1990/91. And between 1982-1996 my dad was thrown out from home about 5-10 times. So there was never a steady period of calm in the house for more than say a couple of months. i was born in 1982, and mum tells me that it was hard for her, getting beaten up by dad and not having money to bring us up. She wanted the relationship to work, more than anything. For the sake of the children. By the age of 14 in 1996 , we moved south. To start over, to make a new beginning. But this was not to be, in 1997, my mum left my dad, had him kicked out. It was a very hard time for me, and im sure my brothers and sister. We were in the middle of important years in education, and i can definately say now that my grades suffered, i have not said this to my mum who i now live with but im sure she knows, i dont blame her though. Anyway they split up in 1997 and to this day they have not been back together. They are now divorced.
I dont know how i feel. I havnt seen my father since, i decided not to speak to him or have any contact. And i dont know what effect this has had, or if it has influenced the way the relationship turned out in the end. My sister had done the same, and eventually my big brother. However my little brother stayed with my dad.
In 1997-1999, i attended a school, i made a lot of friends, but was always quite a reserved person, shy, and also quite introverted. I found it hard psychologically to communicate with people, i had very low self esteem and confidence and was very self conscience. I did in the 2 years make several good frineds. I would sayabout 3 of them my best friends, and many more. But there was somethign that i was beginning to understand, it was the fact that i was gay. I had known this ever since i was little, i had never had feelings for girls, women. I was 16 at this time. I didnt know how to deal with it, i knew my family would never accept me, or my friends. In 1999 after doing my exams and passing with good results, i had decided i wanted to move schools. I dont know why, maybe i needed a change. A lot was happening at home, and i think it came through at school, and i felt bad. I always wondered what the teachers thaught of when they looked at me, what went through their minds. It came to a point where i had just left, i could not carry on. I was missing a lot of days off school, and my grades began to detereorate. I went abroad to india for some time out and to discover my roots in a way.
I did feel a lot better. And i came back and enrolled in school again, but i had some time off before the new term. In this time i began to discover what i really was. I had found out i was gay and had even experimented. I have to admit i had never had a girlfriend,a ndhad never done anythign with a girl but i did not feel as if i was missing out.
After discovering what i was and who i was i began to think how i would be treated if i was found out by my brothers and sister, or mum. It was scary, i went into depression, i used to lock myself in the room, and cry for hours and hours on end. I didnt understand anything, the meaning of life, or how i was gonna get by, or why i was like i was. It went on for about 2 months, i stayed in my room, ate a lot, cried for hours on end, just feeling sorry for myself basically- which was a bad thing. I couldnt talk to anyone, i was not very close to my brothers or my sister and even my mum. I had no contact with my dad. I just did not know how to deal with it. Everything was getting me down, the fact that i was gay, had left school, the fact that my parents were split, the fact that i was fat and ugly and also the fact that i had little or no friends. No one who understood me or i could talk to.
Anyway i did get over this, to the point at least where i could get on with myself. I had told a mate of mine from my previous school that iw as gay and he was ok with it..... or thats what he told me, and eventually i told another- this time my best friend. After my best friend had found out or i had told him, he did not want to know me. He was disgusted by the idea, and had said to my other mate, its either him or me. And well, i walked away, I said to him, you can be mates and ill go. It was my fault, its not easy i think for someone to handle a thing like this. Anyway i was alone once again, not having no one to talk to. Not my family, no friends, after losing the ones i cared for most.
It was time for me to start my new school. The summer of 2000. It was excellent. I made many friends, and life at hoem at this point was good. I really wanted to give this my all, and do well. It was after all my last chance from how i saw it. I made a good start to the year, and had earned teh respect of many people and teachers. I was never a problem child at school, i got on with what had to be done and always tried to set a good example to those around me. It didnt last long though.
During the end of the school year, our exams had been done and i had felt that it was time for me to tell a mate of mine about me. My best friend from teh lasts chool ahd said to me that he was glad i told him at the point he did, because if it had gone any longer he would have 'kicked the shit out of me'. Basicallly he would have been embarassed to have been seen with me. So i felt that i must tell people as soon as i can,so that they canmake the decision of whether to continue the frinedship or not. This was very hard, because at school it can be hard to hate someone, and much easier to get along. Anyway i told a mate and he was ok. Prior to this we were great friends. Always out having good times. Eventualy i told another riend, who was also ok. We were all good mates.
Life seemed to be going ok, i had found a couple of good mates who accepted me for who i was. But there was the problem of the people at home. My depression was kicking in again, This time it was worse than before, and i didnt know why. It got to a point where i was not going to school again, i had lost all motivation, i didnt want to see people, and i was very mean to those i loved. I had mood swings, i would not go out anywhere, and when i did, always managed to spoil everyone elses fun. I was getting more and more down. My mum had gone through a lot, and so had the rest of my family, i started blaming it on me. I had gone to india a couple of months prior to this and my grandfather had died while i was there. I blamed myself for it. I started blaming everyhting on me, the splitting up of the family, anything and everything. I could no longer carry on, i had distanced myself from the few friend i had, i didnt talk to anyone at home, i was always snappy and arguementative. I considered myself to be bad luck to the family. My school work went down hill. My attendance was terrible, and had phonecalls saying i would be removed if i did not attend. So i went for registration and then attended lessons, not feeling 100% not wanting to do well, just letting time pass by.
I didnt know who to talk to or who to turn. It was hard, i had a few gay friends but they had problems of their own, and i found it hard for me to communicate to my friends from school. It came to a point one day when i had had enough, i could no longer carry on. I attempted to commit suicide, during the course of a wekk, i had stayed in my room, with lights off and curtains closed, just trapped, not knowing what to do. During this time i took countless number of medicines, not knowing what they were, anythign i could get my hands on. Then 1 night, while listening to some sad songs, it was time i felt to let go, i took a large quantity of stuff which i knew would kill me, and some alcohol. I was in a state, and my family had no idea. They noticed i ahd distanced myself from everything. I was lying in my bed, on my way to death, crying, knowing that it would soon be over. I was 18. I called a mate of mine, the one from my first school, who wanted nothing mroe to do with me. I talked to him, and said what i felt, i said its your choice what u do, and that i wouldnt bother him, and some other stuff. I alos told him that i would always be there for him as a friend,a nd that if he ever needed me i would always help him. I dont know why i said that, maybe because i loved him as a good friend.
I also called another friend, a gay friend of mine who had done so much for me. he had been there for me when no oone else was. He had gathered that there was soemthing wrong, although i did not tell him. He calledfor an abulance. I then went to hospital and stayed there for a night, with none of my family knowing. And to this day they dont fully know what happened. I went to see a doctor and was helped.
Now it is 3 and a half months down the line, and i dont know where to go. What to do. How to sort myself out. I feel as if the same could happen at any point, that i may go into this deep depression and do something silly. I am scared, i dont go out very often now, i try looking for jobs or going to college, but i find it so so hard to face up to people, to communicate, my palms get sweaty, i can never look somoene in the eye and talk to them. I stay at home, not knowing what to do. I feel like scum. I am going to let my mum down, because she is going to find out i am gay soon. My big brother has moved out with someone twice his age with 2 kids. My little brother has now moved back home. Both my sister and my brother are doing well at school, and i would give anything for them to do well. My mum has been let down by her husband, her eldest son, and me. But she does not know i am gay, and i feel this will destroy her. I want her to be proud of what she has, her 2 youngest children. I can never live up to her expectations. I am and feel like a complete failure. I dont know why i am telling you this. I dont know what i hope to achieve.
I know many people go through a lot in their lives, there are so many people worse off, and i dont even begin to compare. Ive seen the starving people in the streets of india, and the famine and war that devastates so many people accross teh world. The loved ones people lose and the trauma that they must go through. I dont know what life is any more.
What i want to do is follow my dream to move to asia and work in the civil aviation industry, but with the education i have i think that is no highly unlikely. I want to go back to college and university and do well. But i dont know where to begin. I am still suffering from depression i think, but not as bad as before. And i cant see myself doing anything silly.
I just feel stuck, in a problem i have created for myself. In a big maze, not knowing the way out, going in circles back and forth.
I want to move out, but dont know how to. I dont have a job, but have been looking. I would love to work in the aviation industry, so college and uni is an option.
Im not looking for sympathy, but i dont know what i am looking for. I am 19 now and dont know what to do, i feel like a waste of time, space, a waste of my mothers time.
Saint Augustine- 'The world is a book and those who do not travel, read only 1 page'