David_itl
Topic Author
Posts: 5961
Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2001 7:39 am

Friday Jokes...

Fri May 03, 2002 9:32 pm

With nothing better to do in work, the weekend starts here! Just been sent these "jokes":

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.......he was pulled in by a strong currant.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."

Answer phone message: "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

David/MAN
 
ryanb741
Posts: 5058
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2002 6:36 pm

RE: Friday Jokes...

Fri May 03, 2002 9:35 pm

Wow! Somebody must have had a load of Xmas crackers left over and decided to open them today! Big grin
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
 
9V-SVE
Posts: 1953
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2001 7:51 pm

RE: Friday Jokes...

Fri May 03, 2002 9:35 pm

An old lady on a Sunday keeps walking in and out her house every couple minutes to check her mailbox. When her neighbors told her that there is no mail on Sundays, she answered, "But my computer says, I've got mail!"
 
saintsman
Posts: 2037
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2002 12:34 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Fri May 03, 2002 9:41 pm

Did you hear about the man who put a condom on backwards...... and went?
 
viveAF
Posts: 187
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2001 3:06 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sat May 04, 2002 6:26 pm

OK...

What`s the difference between a Camera and a Sock ?

A camera takes fotos - a sock takes fivetoes !

Got that one from Century 105.4FM - they`re running a GBP10,000 joke competition... and that one won`t win !

Cheers.
 
User avatar
BNE
Posts: 2921
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2000 9:37 pm

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sat May 04, 2002 9:27 pm

Heres one I read about a few days ago,

Someone waiting for a flight heard a name being called over the loud speaker with the announcement, "We have found your hearing aid you can pick it up from the customer service centre."


Why fly non stop when you can connect
 
Arsenal@LHR
Posts: 7510
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2001 2:55 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sat May 04, 2002 10:14 pm

LOL! They were funny, here's mine:

Why did Captain Picard go into the ladies toilets?


Answer: Because he wanted to go where no man has been before! Big grin

Arsenal@LHR
In Arsene we trust!!
 
VonRichtofen
Posts: 4260
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 3:10 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sat May 04, 2002 11:07 pm

"All passengers requiring wheelchairs, please remain in your seats"
 
vickybiccy
Posts: 205
Joined: Fri Apr 05, 2002 7:14 pm

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sun May 05, 2002 2:56 am

very funny!

I ama HUGE fan of bad jokes... here are a few of mine!

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla!

A polo sweet is having a drink in a pub with a jelly baby. The jelly baby had to buy all the polo's drinks as the polo said he was the hardest sweet. Suddenly the swing doors to the pub were flung open and in walked a Tune. The polo made a quick exit to the loo and hid while the Tune looked around the bar and then walked out. Once he had gone the polo returned to the bar. 'Why did you hide?' asked the jelly baby 'I thought you were the hardest sweet?' 'I am the hardest' said the polo,' but he's menthol

What's pink and hard? A: A pig with a flick knife.

What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler
 
ryanb741
Posts: 5058
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2002 6:36 pm

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sun May 05, 2002 3:43 am

LOL! Big grin Those are so bad they're hilarious!
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
 
janne
Posts: 367
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2001 4:37 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Sun May 05, 2002 3:58 am

Q: If, when the man sits down in front of a sporting event on TV with a can of beer, his wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging at him, WHAT has the man done wrong.

A: He has used too long a chain.

(I'm not a male chauvinist pig, I just think this is a funny joke)
 
VonRichtofen
Posts: 4260
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 3:10 am

RE: Friday Jokes...

Tue May 07, 2002 1:33 am

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull?



A dog that bites your arm off and then runs for help.

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